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Newest Member: Helpless211 (45755)

User Topic: What do I need to do to prepare my BH for D-Day?
confused43
♀ 41802
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm most likely going to confess my affair shortly to my BH and I'd like input on what I need to do to prepare him and me. Any books I should have on hand, find a therapist for him and book an appt so he can get in right away, articles for him or me.

Anything I should know about how to tell him to lessen the blow? Is there such a thing? I didn't want to come out and tell him all the details if he didnt want to hear them so I was going to let him drive that part but not sure if it's best for me to disclose a lot of it or wait til he asks? I want to be completely honest so he doesn't think I am keeping anything from him but also don't want to overwhelm him right off the back.

My affair was not one that will be easy to forgive. It was very intense and filled with lots of lies to my husband. I dont want to TT over the next several months though.

Any input from WS or BS would be helpful as I navigate this horrible road ahead.

Thanks.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
mike7
♂ 38603
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been following your story in wayward. I couldn't post there because I've been banned there from being too direct to WS's.

You need to be prepared. There is nothing you can do that will prepare your BH for this. No kissing, hugging, sex, nothing will prepare him for the bomb you are about to drop.

I think telling him is the right thing for you, for him, and for him. But to be honest, I didn't think you had enough integrity to tell him. I've been reading your excuses for quite some time. I'm glad I'm wrong.

What you are about to do is very courageous, very moral, very strong. You are about to saddle up when you know you're going into a world of hurt. I'm proud of you.

good luck


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 546 | Registered: Mar 2013
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your BH.

He will likely have a hard time taking care of himself at first. He will forget to eat or drink and be unable to sleep and may even be sick. If he will let you try to offer him things to eat or drink or just bring it and set it down for him.

Don't be defensive. He may scream, cry, yell, and call you names. It is all an expression of unbelievable pain.

Put your pain and discomfort on the back burner and put him first for the foreseeable future. Come to wayward forum for support. This is going to get rough.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1510 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here. I want to thank you for sticking with SI and taking this step. I was cheated on multiple times. I got one confession more than a year after she broke up with me. I never got an apology.

I don''t know your BH but I can tell the things that I would want to know and would ask.

Do you love OM?
Do you love me?
Do you want to be with me?
Why did you do it? (Expect this question a LOT. I advise patience. If you aren''t sure then say so but be clear that you want to give a real answer and that requires help like IC)
Did you ever consider leaving me for OM?
...
Why do you hate me?
What did I do wrong?
How did it start?
When did it start?
Was it physical? (expect possibly more angry/graphic versions of this question)
Was he better (sexually) than me?
Did you tell him you loved him?
Why tell me now?


That''s just for starters. I don''t know what your BH is like. I''m not one to yell myself. However, I am one to disconnect and walk away if I feel like I''m being played. If your BH gets frustrated and yells try to be patient.
Avoid saying things like "You''re not helping by doing x,y,z..."
Avoid saying "I don''t know" and "I can''t remember"
If you can have a timeline ready that might be a good idea. Don''t suggest to him that he doesn''t or won''t want to know things. Ask him as you go along if he wants to know now or later. This will reassure him that you are not trying to protect yourself but are being open and willing to answer questions as he is ready to ask them.

As a BH/BBF it was pure hell but what made it worse was knowing I was second choice. It is an emasculating experience. Be careful about what positive things you say to him. Compliments will feel hollow and insincere. I know I wouldn''t be very accepting of any compliments or positive remarks because you will be revealing actions that say the exact is true of how you feel. Be honest but be very careful that you don''t emphasize (or appear to emphasize) that you think he''s nice, stable, safe, kind, sweet or a good father. Those comments would translate to me as "You''re boring and I don''t want you but you take care of the family and I don''t want to give that up" It essentially feels like the husband has just been friend-zoned.

Don''t be surprised if in the heat of the moment he brings up D. Do NOT just go along with that idea. If you truly want to R then you need to be unwavering in that. If you are unsure...well it will be tough for him to hear but you need to be honest.

There may be moments when you''re going to feel overwhelmed. The guilt. The shame. Seeing...really seeing for the first time the pain in your BH''s eyes. Fight that. If you need breaks to be able to handle it then take them but make him aware of that ("I''m not trying to shut down on you. When I feel overwhelmed with what I''ve done I need just a moment."

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 12:02 AM, January 17th, 2014 (Friday)]


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4105 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
MegM
♀ 34941
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused43

I commend you to your instincts of disclosing your infidelity to your partner.

I had just today posted in Wayward regarding the very difference this can make to the WS and BS' journey in healing.

I do ask you to examine your desire to 'prepare' you BS for the disclosure. Gently there is nothing you can do to 'control' the outcome.

Disclosing and living free of deception is so important to the both of you.

Here is what I wrote in wayward:

"I can attest to anyone who is hanging in indecision. Disclosing your infidelity is tough - but when you offer your partner the truth - it helps healing beyond description. We are a living example of the places the choice to disclose or not disclose can lead you.
We understand his gaslighting and trickle feed of the truth on discovery did even worse damage than the act of infidelity itself, damage to us both individually and to our marriage. "

Telling my husband about my infidelity was very hard. You need to give your partner the facts. Allow him to be the judge of how much or how little information he needs when. Offer to Write a timeline and leave nothing out and give this to him as soon as possible to him confirming he wants that.

Give him room and continue to reassure him that you want to reconcile if that is what you are committed. But ...

Don't make ANY promises you can't keep.
How you respond to him will depend very much on how he reacts. But you can't control that.

There is nothing in the world that prepares you to find out that your partner has been unfaithful. But the gift of the truth is the very best you can give in this situation.

blessings to your BH and you in the days ahead.

Meg


BS / fWS me 41 (@ DDay)
fWS / BS him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 ch(6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulders"

Posts: 669 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
Dare2Trust
♀ 21183
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused,

Betrayed wife here:

Be totally honest - and be 100% ready to end the affair completely.
Otherwise- simply save your Betrayed Husband a lot of grief; and file for a divorce and walk away.

That's my advice.

There's no way to "prepare" your husband for this.

Good luck.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6188 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do I need to do to prepare my BH for D-Day?

There is nothing you can do to prepare him.

For you, wear your thick skin and do not react negatively to anything he says. Take his pain and carry it.

He will be devastated, do not back out and begin to lie to "protect him". Continue with the truth until he is done. And then do it again, and again and again.

Be prepared to have him tell you to leave, respect it if he does. BUT do not go somewhere he will wonder about. Go to a FOM's house.

I dont want to TT over the next several months though.

TT happens when a WS doesn't want to give answers or truths. Let him know you will tell him anything he wants to know, when HE is ready.

Have a timeline ready, a complete timeline. If he asks for it you can have it for him, but don't push it on him if he isn't ready.Let him ask for what he needs, tell him you are open to his needs.

You may need to confess all on day 1, but this isn't about you, your pain during this time, IMO, is secondary. You have been processing and healing on SI for at least a month, you had time during the A to process your feelings. He is going to be hit with a knife to the heart and get his truth all at once.

Good luck, I hope he comes here, you are doing the right thing.



“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
confused43
♀ 41802
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the suggestions so far. I'm worried about the honest answers my husband will get. I did love the OM. and it was mutual. My husband is not one that normally yells and he is not violent at all so that's good but it will be the silence that will be the hardest if he does that. Normally he is one that is good talking about stuff. Me, I'm a blabber and often say more than I should so I really need to watch it and see what he wants to hear. and I don't want him to do the 180 on me.

The hard part is that it was a very intense affair. I became another person pretty much. Both me and AP are pretty respected people, both are smart, make good choices etc so while this is obviously pretty messed up, I can't paint the AP as a bad guy. He's not. He's just like me and got caught up in a situation we shouldn't have been in. He didn't give me STD's or tell me a string a lies. Maybe it would be easier for my husband to handle if the guy was a loser but he wasn't and real emotions were involved. If he asks me if we were in love I would have to be honest and say yes because we were. or thought we were. Everything is becoming a big blur of an emotional mess. It's all in my emails though so no use in lying and then have him doubt me when he reads them.

I really do want my husband. I know he will feel like the back up plan though and that will hurt him also.

I know I did this to our marriage and I wish I alone could undo it. He is worth fighting for as are the kids and I will keep fighting for him because even though I've been wishy washy I know he is the one for me and if we make it to the otherside I think our relationship will in fact be way better. It was always a good marriage but it lacked some excitement. I was so wrong to do what I did but it's part of me now.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
confused43
♀ 41802
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck, I hope he comes here, you are doing the right thing.
Is it selfish for me to not want him to come here? I just want to be able to have someplace to get my feelings and questions out without having him seeing them. Maybe I don't take someone advice and he'll know, maybe I want to say that he's been pissing me off because of A, B or C and I want to vent freely without him knowing.

He is my comfort in any tough spot in my life. It's goign to be so hard to lose that person as my comfort. Yes selfish I get it but I"m being honest. I need someone for comfort too but will have no one. No one knows of my affair. I kept that private as I didn't want to burden a girlfriend with that info and put her in an awkward situation. My friends all like my husband, probably more than me even so telling them seemed selfish even though I really needed someone to talk to while the affair was going on.

and if he tells my family, the shit will hit the fan even harder. I hope that doesn't happen. They adore him. They'd trade me in for him I think in a second.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both me and AP are pretty respected people, both are smart, make good choices etc so while this is obviously pretty messed up, I can't paint the AP as a bad guy. He's not. He's just like me and got caught up in a situation we shouldn't have been in.
What I feel you mean is that the AP did not manipulate you or lie to you. Do not say he is not a "bad guy". I know it will be hard to remember but try to avoid term like "caught up" and "situation". It may not be intended that way but to a BS it tends to come across as not taking ownership of choices.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4105 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it selfish for me to not want him to come here?
BS have asked that same question. It gets complicated and the couples on SI who seem to function the best as members set ground rules between them. I would recommend pinging some of them.

I kept that private as I didn''t want to burden a girlfriend with that info and put her in an awkward situation.
My best friend was a WH. He didn''t tell me either but that was because he knew I would call him on his bs. That''s part of the danger in isolating yourself like that. You make a bad choice and when you cut yourself off from your own support system (often so you don''t have to hear that you''re wrong) it is easier to really go down the rabbit hole.

and if he tells my family, the shit will hit the fan even harder. I hope that doesn''t happen. They adore him. They''d trade me in for him I think in a second.
This definitely sounds like you have some FOO issues going on. My first LTR was about 5 years. We talked marriage. She could have said something similar about her family. I wasn''t dating her family. I was with her. Your husband married you. Their support of him or disagreement with you about the A is all well and good but at the end of the day its your marriage. Don''t be surprised if he chooses to hold off on telling your family in the event you decide to R. That would be to protect you and because he is embarrassed.

They don''t call it a rollercoaster for nothing. We here on SI can assure you of that. What we cannot do is prepare for the first time you see his reaction.

ETA: Good luck. To both of you.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 1:06 AM, January 17th, 2014 (Friday)]


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4105 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
confused43
♀ 41802
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I feel you mean is that the AP did not manipulate you or lie to you. Do not say he is not a "bad guy". I know it will be hard to remember but try to avoid term like "caught up" and "situation". It may not be intended that way but to a BS it tends to come across as not taking ownership of choices.
Good point. I guess part of my problem is I type/say what comes off my brain and don't always think it through but yes I need to think through my word choices better. Thanks for the reminder.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
ItsaClimb
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH only disclosed his A to me 8.5 years after it ended. It was absolutely BRUTAL for me. I feel like the last 8.5 years of my marriage were a complete lie and I was made a total fool of. So please, consider confessing sooner rather than later. I felt that by keeping the truth from me my husband was being utterly disrespectful of me as a human being and that he was removing choices from me that I had a right to.

As to D-Day, my advice would be for you to read "How to Help your spouse Heal" unless you have already done so - that really nails how a WS should react.

BIG mistakes that my WH made:
*He didn't come out and confess everything, he made me ask about a million questions (it was like trying to draw water from a stone! He was a "hostile witness". In fact he hasn't admitted a SINGLE thing that I haven't first had to ask about..) I found it SOOO humiliating to have to ask those questions, to have to badger him for answers, it would have been much kinder to me if he had told me the basics, let me digest that for a little while, comforted me and then said "I don't know how much detail you want? Would you like me to tell you more, or would you prefer to ask me for the specific details you want?"

*Defensiveness. My WH was sooo defensive. Not about the A as such, but everytime we discussed it he would get all prickly and a bit aggro.

*Sugar-coating. My husband tried to minimise everything that he did, make is sound less bad than it actually was.

*Trickle-truth. BIG mistake. My husband started off saying the A was just about sex... then it came out he told her he loved her... then it came out he DID love her. He told me no-one else knew about the A... then he told me they hung out with her brother... then it came out that her sister actually lived with her and was there every single night he slept over.. then I found out he met her mother... then everyone at work knew.... He told me he used a condom... then admitted that he only used one the FIRST time they had sex...Each revelation was yet another knife in the wound.

*Coping with the anger. My WH mirrored my anger. When I yelled at him he would yell back. HORRIBLE!! You have to understand that the BS will get flaming angry (my REAL rage kicked in at about 4 months out, when WH felt I should be "getting over it by now"!) IMHO you have to try with everything in you to quietly accept the anger (not full-on abuse, obviously) as if you mirror the anger, in my experience, it only adds fuel to the fire!

*Remorse. I desperately needed to see genuine remorse. I needed to feel that my WH deeply understood how wrong and destructive his actions had been. I also needed him to respect MY process and allow me to feel and behave the way I needed to at any given time.

Hope this helps. Obviously this is my personal outlook YMMV.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Oct 2012
mike7
♂ 38603
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't say too many great things about your AP. that would be horrible for your BH. And he might just say, "fine! go with him if he's so great!"

don't try to control your BH. If he feels like telling your family, you trying to convince him otherwise in the wake of your enormous betrayal will be just another betrayal on your part.

"I was bad, but let's keep your misery a secret and not tell anyone so I don't actually have to feel bad."

[This message edited by mike7 at 1:12 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 546 | Registered: Mar 2013
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No problem. You toughed out a lot of posts when you came to SI and you're still here. That says a lot. You're taking the next step to confess. Clearly you're not trying to avoid taking responsibility. You came to SI for support and guidance. BS and WS alike have tried to provide support as best we can. We all want to see you and your BH heal. Like I said before I never got that (a confession with remorse), so I am happy to help because I believe ultimately its better and healthier for both of you.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4105 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ItsaClimb,
Confused is confessing in the very near future, hence this thread asking for advice.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4105 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
mike7
♂ 38603
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to add, and I think this is really important, you are confessing because you respect your BH. And you are confessing because you respect yourself and want to be authenticate.

those two points IMO will make you a better partner no matter what happens.

And I think you can tell him, "I'm confessing even though I know I didn't have to because I respect you too much. You needed to know the truth."

In the end, most BS's move on because of the lack of "respect" that their spouses showed them.

You can rightfully claim that you respect him too much to continue to lie.

good luck. really.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 546 | Registered: Mar 2013
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@mike7,
Sorry but I have to disagree with you on this man...
"I'm confessing even though I know I didn't have to because I respect you too much. You needed to know the truth."
...because a BS hearing the confession will not be receptive to that imho. When you say to someone "I'm doing x,y,z even though I didn't have to..." it translates to "I'm doing you a favor"

I can also tell you BS have recounted how their WS talked about respect. Respect is hot button issue on dday. If the subject of respect is mentioned at all by the WS it should be in the context of "I knew I needed to stop disrespecting you, our M and myself with this behavior."


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4105 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't paint the AP as a bad guy. He's not. He's just like me and got caught up in a situation we shouldn't have been in.

Sorry, but during this A you both acted badly. You may not be "bad people" but the Ap treated your family with complete disrespect as well as his own and so did you.

I would not defend him to your BH.

He is my comfort in any tough spot in my life. It's goign to be so hard to lose that person as my comfort. Yes selfish I get it but I"m being honest. I need someone for comfort too but will have no one.

Right now I would really consider putting your discomfort aside. You are about to destroy his world but you are wondering who will comfort YOU?

I know this is hard, but he has to come first through this confession. You need to be strong for him and realize although you are doing what's right, it will be difficult and painful.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 2:07 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Kalliopeia
♀ 35053
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You aren't ready to give him a d-day. Coming over here and asking us? Seriously if you have an iota of worry over your OP, you aren't ready.

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