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A thought for fWS from a BS

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flayed posted 1/16/2014 23:56 PM

For those fWS that have said to their BS "I always loved you and never thought of leaving you".

My WH has said this numerous times since DDay and I have tried to reframe his thinking on this. The fact is that while he did not Divorce me during the Affair, he DID leave me. Emotionally, physically, sexually, etc he left. So when he says "I would never leave you", I reply "but you did".

Jrazz posted 1/17/2014 00:09 AM

I think that this is a big example of the compartmentalization that can take place for many WS's.

My FWH was considering leaving me. As hard as that was to hear, it seemed a little more grounded than cheating on me while professing to love and want a life with me.

For master compartmentalizers, the A was a fantasy. Keeping the worlds "separate" in their minds meant they never had to consider the ramifications of their selfishness.

Learning how to see what love and marriage and family really is, and not what they painted it to be for their convenience, it a big step on the FWS path to healing.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:13 AM, January 17th (Friday)]

silverhopes posted 1/17/2014 02:54 AM

The fact is that while he did not Divorce me during the Affair, he DID leave me. Emotionally, physically, sexually, etc he left.

Absolutely right. It doesn't take being physically alone to be truly alone. Someone can be in the same room and a million miles away. He wasn't being your husband. He did leave you all alone. Hope he can own that.

I think that this is a big example of the compartmentalization that can take place for many WS's.

Exactly. He could believe in his mind he was being your husband, but he had disconnected himself in reality. The A was a fantasy, and everything outside of it was a fantasy at that point as well.

sisoon posted 1/17/2014 07:07 AM

3 years out, my W still says she meant she loved me and would never leave. She still thinks she loved me during her A, even though neither our C nor I see it that way.

Since my W is doing the work she needs to do to R, I chalk it up to different worldviews that we can't explain to each other.

It does seem galling, though.

cl131716 posted 1/17/2014 07:38 AM

Love is not a feeling, it is an action. I would say that there is no way any wayward really "loved" their spouse while they were cheating and doing all the things involved with cheating.

ReunitePangea posted 1/17/2014 07:47 AM

I think for some WS when they say "I always loved you and never thought of leaving you", that is very true for them. For some their thinking does not need to be reframed.

My WW has said it to me and I 100% believe her. My WW had a LTA, I tend to think that statement may more frequently be stated and might be true in LTA situations. LTA are a different type of affair where often the WS really had no intention of leaving. Major compartmentalization is involved but some of the WS in LTA's that make that statement very much loved their BS even though they continued their affair.

I know my WW could have easily left me if that was what she wanted. She could have not even married me if that is what she wanted as well as the affair started before we were even married.

LivinginLimbo posted 1/17/2014 09:05 AM

My FWH has said the same thing. While it's convenient to say I was compartmentalized, the truth is I was marginalized. My role in this fantasy world was to continue being the devoted wife who took care of everything so he could cheat.

I 100% agree with your assessment that they did figuratively leave us while enmeshed in cheating.

bionicgal posted 1/17/2014 09:13 AM

I have joked with H that I just became part of the scenery on the stage of his affair, or like the Greek chorus -- stuck in suspended animation. While it was of course not loving on his part to do what he did -- did he still "love" me? Of course, just like I love people even when I am not thinking about them. I have friends I don't see for years, and don't think of often, who I still love. While I think love is a verb as others have said, I don't think it is correct to act as if it can be shut on and off like a faucet.

I think it is hard to overstate how not present we BSes were during the affair. Because an affair is not truly about love anyway, I would go so far to say it is not even a real relationship. It is a user-type situation, like someone abusing alcohol. Does a drunk think about his/her family before they binge drink? No. It is use, or don't use. I think it is the same for many waywards. Can an alcoholic "love" their family, while running them into the ground financially or psychologically? Sure. I think the confusion with affairs comes when we try to make them look like "real" relationships. They are, by their nature, a highly addictive fantasy.

Those are just my thoughts.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:15 AM, January 17th (Friday)]

Jovie posted 1/17/2014 09:19 AM

I agree with you. For my situation at least. It's hard to understand how that statement could be true.

I thought I wanted to leave BH during my A, but I didn't have the courage to D, and I was constantly changing my mind.

JustDesserts posted 1/17/2014 09:56 AM

A good thread to read for this WH. One of the things my BW mentioned allowed her to see a future for us, after extensive time spent with my xAP's BH just after dday, was that in all the affair correspondence he shared (huge amount he found after hacking xAP's laptop) I never once said an unkind word about my spouse, or leaving her. He was thrown under the bus regularly. I was baited but never bit.

Guess that's one thing I "did right" while I was so busy doing wrong. I was ALL wrong. Despite not throwing my BW under the bus to my xAP, I was throwing her under the bus EVERY second I was cheating on her. Every...single...second...


myeverafter posted 1/17/2014 10:07 AM

For those fWS that have said to their BS "I always loved you and never thought of leaving you".

My fWH said those words to me too.

The fact is that while he did not Divorce me during the Affair, he DID leave me. Emotionally, physically, sexually, etc he left. So when he says "I would never leave you", I reply "but you did".

I think my fWH is finally starting to get that.

My other comments to him is if that was how you love someone, I can't deal with that kind of love in my life. I am worth more than that.

inthedark14 posted 1/19/2014 12:27 PM

Bionicgal u said it so perfect I Agree with u 100%

heforgotme posted 1/19/2014 13:13 PM

For those fWS that have said to their BS "I always loved you and never thought of leaving you".

And the thing that makes me the craziest about this is that they say it like it was a GOOD thing. Like an ameliorating factor or something. When in fact to me it is insulting and just the opposite.

I think somehow we are supposed to feel grateful that we weren't going to be left, when in fact it would have been a kindness compared to what happened. Not to mention the fact that if he would have divorced me I would have been free to possibly find someone who could truly love me properly, instead of being in a marriage that was being actively sabotaged behind my back.

Yeah, I really don't like this one. And I agree, we had already been "left" for all intents and purposes. Marriage is more than a piece of paper and living in the same house.

dmg35 posted 1/19/2014 13:34 PM

My WW said the exact words to me even though she told her AP that she loved him......

painfulpast posted 1/19/2014 13:45 PM

IMO, you cannot, in any way, love someone and look at them in the face day in and day out and lie to them. You cannot love someone and fawn all over someone else and sent gifts and love songs and poems. You cannot love someone and send sexy messages to another.

To do these things, you almost have to think the BS a fool. You have to be mocking them on some level in your head. You absolutely do NOT love them.

You may not want harm to come to them, and you may care about them on a base level because you've known them for so long, but love? No fucking way.

I think any WS that says they loved their BS during the A is lying to themselves because its just one more 'Wow am I a shit" thought.

And btw - saying "I never once was going to leave you" is another slap in the face. Thanks for that lack of respect. You can lie, disrespect and cheat. You can make a fool of me and our relationship, but you weren't going to leave. Do you want a prize?

Fucking arrogant statement. Sorry - but it is. Can you tell I heard it one too many times? My WH said so many times "I used to laugh when I'd hang up the phone and she'd be talking about me leaving for her. Out loud laugh!"

But you kept calling anyway right? Because I meant jack shit. So why were you staying?

JustWow posted 1/19/2014 13:45 PM

To me, that line is a pile of garbage from start to finish. It is designed to make the speaker of said trash feel less culpable. Doesn't work for me.

Love is an action. An A is the the most unloving action you can commit toward your spouse. WS do not love - the verb - their BS while they are betraying them. Period.

Staying while in an A is further self-serving behavior that allows the cheater to cake eat, to try their A on while not having to risk leaving. It is crap.

The stuff a WS can spew while minimizing their actions defies logic almost every time. No shocker, really.

rachelc posted 1/19/2014 13:51 PM

Having an affair is leaving a person behind their back. It would be more honorable to divorce the spouse first.
Brene brown had great article in O magazine about how love is "acting" in a loving way, not simply saying you love someone...,

refuz2bavictim posted 1/19/2014 13:54 PM

Remember that you have the option of not accepting that kind of love.

My Fwh also said that he loved me and didn't intend to leave. I am unable to accept that standard. He also said he was ILYBNILWY, and then said that it was possible to "love" two people.
If that is the kind of "love" he intends to give, I prefer not to take it. He stopped pressing the issue a couple of years ago.

I made it clear that I will not accept that brand of love. He can return the love I give and give me the love I deserve. No more, no less.

LA44 posted 1/19/2014 14:51 PM

I called my H on this from the get-go. He essentially said the exact same thing..

There was never a doubt it my mind that I would ever leave. I never wanted that!

But you did leave! I replied. You didn't pack your bags and walk out the door. But in your head - which I couldn't see into too - you left time and time again.

[This message edited by LA44 at 2:52 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]

disillusioned12 posted 1/19/2014 15:09 PM

Uhg, I hated these statements. My FWH actually believed he was doing all he could to "save" our marriage and be supportive during my pregnancy and postpartum. He never intended on leaving me, and seemed hurt and floored when I retained a L. He now understands that he abandoned me and our son to pursue an empty relationship with a MOW co-worker. He still insists he never stopped loving me and never wanted us to D. I still call him out on this.

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