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How do I know my H still loves me?

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BrokenheartedD posted 1/17/2014 07:30 AM

We are married for 17 years. My H had an EA in June of 2012. I found out by reading his FB messages to a girl about how much he is in love with her, he wrote her love poems, ( he never wrote me poems) stated over over and over how crazy he is about her and complaining about our marriage. Since then it has been an emotional roller coaster for me. He says that he wants to work on our marriage and move on. But how do I know that he loves me ? In my mind I still see "I love you" to her. When he says he loves me, it is just like that , short and mostly during sex. I want to hear him saying to me passionately about how much he loves me and cares for me. I constantly compare how he expressed to and how he does it to me. He doesnt compliment me on my looks, he doesnt write or call me during daytime when he is at work. He doesnt want me to go back and talk about the past . But I still feel lonely and depressed. So Iam I expecting too much of him? Should I just be happy that he stays with me and says I love you? Then why does it still hurt?

tushnurse posted 1/17/2014 07:55 AM

No you shouldn't just be happy and allow him to rugsweep the whole thing.

He doesn't say those things to you, or do those grand sweeping gestures because he doesn't have to. He doesn't see the need, because you are his wife. He also wasn't in love with her, he was inlove with the way she made him feel. He was hungry for ego boosting, attention, and she was able to provide that.

I would strongly suggest that if he is not in IC that he needs to do that, because he isn't dealing with his why, and wants to just pretend it didn't happen and go on with his mediocre life that he had with you pre A. He is broken, and needs to do some hard work on himself. Until he does that, you are vulnerable for a repeat performance, another EA, or even a PA is some woman gives him the ego stroking attention he craves.

It still hurts because he isn't putting forth the effort he needs to. When we attempt to R, it takes both spouses working their asses off for a long time, years, to get to a place where they feel strong, happy and confident in their relationship again.

If you are telling him specifically what you need to feel safe, and he isn't following through what consequences is he dealing with as a result? If there aren't any, then perhaps there should be.

((((and strength))))

cbrum84 posted 1/17/2014 08:03 AM

I know how you feel. I too feel almost worthless. Like I am not good enough. Coming here really helps me to realize it is not my fault. My H is putting in some kind of effort, but when he does it just feels like he does it to make me forget. He rubs my feet and I look at him (for a second) the way I use to, but then the emotion comes flooding back. Me Dday was only 5 days ago, so maybe I am not the right person to post, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Your feelings are validated. My H too wants to "move on" but it is hard too do that. My H has never been romantic or really given me much PDA, but I can see he is trying, sometimes it isnt enough. Be honest with him and he has to go through this with you. I dont think it will ever not hurt.

william posted 1/17/2014 08:05 AM

i strongly suspect that almost all WS wish that it could all be rugswept away and everything go back to normal. the last thing they want to focus on is what a selfish, greedy, jerk they were.

BrokenheartedD posted 1/17/2014 08:14 AM

Thank you all for the support. So it is not just me. He thinks I should be positive and be happy, but instead I chose to dwell on the past. We had a baby 6 months ago, and for some time I was busy with a baby, his new position and relocation, but all of a sudden the pain comes back. 2 days ago I reread his conversation from FB between two if them, and made me sad that I am not getting the same attention from him. He will try to give me attention, buy flowers and text message me only when I express my feelings, but then it goes back to the same untill the next episode. So Im not sure if he stays with for kids and obligation or does he truly love me?

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/17/2014 08:21 AM

BrokenheartedD, was this one of those imbecilic long distance 'loooove' things? Or did they actually live close enough so that they got to have face time together?

I ask because 99.9% of the time, an "EA" is actually a PA and the BS eventually finds out about it down the road - and it feels like a D-Day all over again. And if these two were able to get together in the flesh, it's very doubtful it was 'just' an EA. Men don't proclaim their undying love to women they sit and have coffee with.

But if it WAS one of those silly long distance "love affairs," what the hell was he "in love" with? A freakin' Skype video image of her? Her texts? Her emails? Her Facebook messages? Oh boy, such still my beating heart.

What a joke. While he's at it, he might as well write to Angelina Jolie and claim his never-ending love to HER, too. As long as we're in Fantasy Land, why not dream big? Pfffft.

Your first mistake is trying to compare the silliness of an online 'romance' to real life. Ain't no comparison.

cbrum84 posted 1/17/2014 08:29 AM

Again, everythig you say is what I am saying in my head too. We have 2 children and I pray he isnt just in it for them.
I cant tell you if he loves you or not. Sometimes we get on here in a rage and post things about our H or how we feel they arent doing what they should and it makes them look bad...then others will post negative about your H, and that everything is doomed and it makes you feel worse. But someone told me that posting here is safe and I believe that, but they said you have to understand that others are going through the same things and they might not be in a good place yet.
I, by far, am not in a good place, but I am just trying to take it one step at a time.
So breathe and keep posting, but follow your heart.

BrokenheartedD posted 1/17/2014 08:34 AM

She came for a week business trip from Mexico and gave him a lot of attention. H admitted that he felt chemistry with her. She asked him if he was married and showed a lot of interest in him. After she went home, in 2 weeks he wrote her a long letter about his feelings which Ive never seen, and contacted her via FB waiting a response from her. He looked like he was obssessed with her , there were 500 emails within a week. He kept asking her if he could call her and talk to her instead of writing, cause he has a lot more to say. It was painful to see every line he wrote. He says the reason he chose her, that she was far away and would never be seriuos.
I belive if I didnt find out, it would grow more and we would feel more isolated. What if she came back again and it would turn into physical.
And how did I sense that something was wrong? I saw his post on FB something about how life is too short and we should say "i love to people we love" , i thought it was strange since he is not acting that way to me at all ((

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/17/2014 08:49 AM

Awww ((((Broken))))

Unfortunately, face time shared by adults who are attracted to each other (and who know they only have a very short time together) is never a good thing. I just want to warn you to guard your heart because the chances are extremely high that he's given you a watered down version of how 'innocent' it was.

Something happened with these two that caused him to lose control of his senses, and I honestly think he's still lying to you. Read around here a bit and you'll see tons of posts from betrayed spouses about getting 'trickle truth" (called 'TT') weeks or months after they learned of the affair, or posts about how their spouse had lied and it was actually a PA and not an Ea. It happens an awful lot.

Wishing you strength.

BrokenheartedD posted 1/17/2014 08:49 AM

Is it a good idea or not? In order for me to get closure and get better, I asked my H to write a letter to OW about that whatever he wrote her is not true, that he loves his wife and he made a mistake by contacting her. Its been over 1,5 year since the DD. But I never got the closure and left with the pain. i asked from the very beginning to write that ketter to her, he said that he doesnt want to make her feel uncomfortable at work .

BrokenheartedD posted 1/17/2014 09:15 AM


Do you think there is more to it? Cause from the letters it seems like it was only EA. Yes, I was surprised that he was in love and said over and over to her. If they were flirty emails or one night stand, it would have been easier to deal. So how do I find if it was just EA and nit physical?

tushnurse posted 1/17/2014 09:33 AM

I'm going to answer your question you directed to neveragain.

Yes I would bet my lunch that this thing was a PA, and you only got a small portion of the truth. You haven't had closure and peace because he isn't remorseful He is regretful there is a huge difference.
Remorseful is a WS doing anything and everything they can to heal themselves, and the M. Regretful, is "Oh hell here we go again, she is bringing it up again, she is never gonna get over it. Guess I need to buy flowers, and take her out to dinner to shut her up." See the difference?

You deserve much more than this half assed effort on his part. Starting with the full truth. If he can't give it to you, then he needs consequences.
Healing begins in the BS when they accept what happened, and decide that they need to put themselves first in everything they do. For a lot of us it gets stalled out, lost in the muck of the WS's half truths, and weak efforts to heal themselves and put in the effort to heal the M.

PRNDL posted 1/17/2014 10:35 AM

They had sex. Guaranteed. My wife pulled the whole "we never had sex" bull shit. One month later she confessed to having protected sex with him 3 times. 5 months later during false R because she was still seeing him, I called the OM and learned they had been having tons of uprotected sex for a year. She confirmed it. At first she said she never went down on him. Months later I found out she sucked him off just about every other time they saw each other. Even swallowed!!

Believe absolutely nothing. He is a cheat and a liar. To not tolerate TT and/or rugsweeping.

Please dont let him manipulate you into him having his cake and eating it too.

People that are able to compartmentalize like that are sociopaths in my book.

I hope his fog lifts and you can R. However, based on what I experienced, it is of my opinion that your marriage is over.

Dont torture yourself like I did for 7 months.
Dont torture yourself watching his every move like a hawk.
Dont torture yourself having to look at him after wasted years later and still wonder if they screwed. Wondering if he could do it again or is.

Concider moving on. 180D his ass and get your affairs in order. Consult with a lawyer at least.

Good luck. We are here for you.

k94ever posted 1/17/2014 12:32 PM

Am I reading this right that she lives in Mexico and they met at some work related event?

Do you know if she's been back since that event?

Has your WS had to take any trips for work since then?

Did she answer any of his FB messages? What was the tone of her responses?

I'm asking because it sounds to me like she had a fling while away from home and isn't thinking much more about it. It sounds more like your WS is pursuing her and was more invested in the relationship.


BrokenheartedD posted 1/17/2014 14:46 PM

She came for a business trip and never after. He never went to Mexico on business trips. Her replies were interesting. She kept saying that she is religious and told he deserved more when he complained about me. She said God will guide him through in his difficult situation. I guess she liked the attention. So much BS. If she is so religiuous why didnt she stop talking to a married man. She kept saying she wants to be his friend and never mentioned what he was doing was wrong. They talked till 3 in the morning on FB. He told her he hasnt felt like that for 16 years .But when I found out I immediately wrote her if she knew he was married. She blocked me and my husband from FB. And I guess thats the end of their communication.

[This message edited by BrokenheartedD at 2:17 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

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