He doesn't say those things to you, or do those grand sweeping gestures because he doesn't have to. He doesn't see the need, because you are his wife. He also wasn't in love with her, he was inlove with the way she made him feel. He was hungry for ego boosting, attention, and she was able to provide that.
I would strongly suggest that if he is not in IC that he needs to do that, because he isn't dealing with his why, and wants to just pretend it didn't happen and go on with his mediocre life that he had with you pre A. He is broken, and needs to do some hard work on himself. Until he does that, you are vulnerable for a repeat performance, another EA, or even a PA is some woman gives him the ego stroking attention he craves.
It still hurts because he isn't putting forth the effort he needs to. When we attempt to R, it takes both spouses working their asses off for a long time, years, to get to a place where they feel strong, happy and confident in their relationship again.
If you are telling him specifically what you need to feel safe, and he isn't following through what consequences is he dealing with as a result? If there aren't any, then perhaps there should be.
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
I ask because 99.9% of the time, an "EA" is actually a PA and the BS eventually finds out about it down the road - and it feels like a D-Day all over again. And if these two were able to get together in the flesh, it's very doubtful it was 'just' an EA. Men don't proclaim their undying love to women they sit and have coffee with.
But if it WAS one of those silly long distance "love affairs," what the hell was he "in love" with? A freakin' Skype video image of her? Her texts? Her emails? Her Facebook messages? Oh boy, such romance...be still my beating heart.
What a joke. While he's at it, he might as well write to Angelina Jolie and claim his never-ending love to HER, too. As long as we're in Fantasy Land, why not dream big? Pfffft.
Your first mistake is trying to compare the silliness of an online 'romance' to real life. Ain't no comparison.
Unfortunately, face time shared by adults who are attracted to each other (and who know they only have a very short time together) is never a good thing. I just want to warn you to guard your heart because the chances are extremely high that he's given you a watered down version of how 'innocent' it was.
Something happened with these two that caused him to lose control of his senses, and I honestly think he's still lying to you. Read around here a bit and you'll see tons of posts from betrayed spouses about getting 'trickle truth" (called 'TT') weeks or months after they learned of the affair, or posts about how their spouse had lied and it was actually a PA and not an Ea. It happens an awful lot.
Wishing you strength.
Do you think there is more to it? Cause from the letters it seems like it was only EA. Yes, I was surprised that he was in love and said over and over to her. If they were flirty emails or one night stand, it would have been easier to deal. So how do I find if it was just EA and nit physical?
Yes I would bet my lunch that this thing was a PA, and you only got a small portion of the truth. You haven't had closure and peace because he isn't remorseful He is regretful there is a huge difference.
Remorseful is a WS doing anything and everything they can to heal themselves, and the M. Regretful, is "Oh hell here we go again, she is bringing it up again, she is never gonna get over it. Guess I need to buy flowers, and take her out to dinner to shut her up." See the difference?
You deserve much more than this half assed effort on his part. Starting with the full truth. If he can't give it to you, then he needs consequences.
Healing begins in the BS when they accept what happened, and decide that they need to put themselves first in everything they do. For a lot of us it gets stalled out, lost in the muck of the WS's half truths, and weak efforts to heal themselves and put in the effort to heal the M.
Believe absolutely nothing. He is a cheat and a liar. To not tolerate TT and/or rugsweeping.
Please dont let him manipulate you into him having his cake and eating it too.
People that are able to compartmentalize like that are sociopaths in my book.
I hope his fog lifts and you can R. However, based on what I experienced, it is of my opinion that your marriage is over.
Dont torture yourself like I did for 7 months.
Dont torture yourself watching his every move like a hawk.
Dont torture yourself having to look at him after wasted years later and still wonder if they screwed. Wondering if he could do it again or is.
Concider moving on. 180D his ass and get your affairs in order. Consult with a lawyer at least.
Good luck. We are here for you.
Do you know if she's been back since that event?
Has your WS had to take any trips for work since then?
Did she answer any of his FB messages? What was the tone of her responses?
I'm asking because it sounds to me like she had a fling while away from home and isn't thinking much more about it. It sounds more like your WS is pursuing her and was more invested in the relationship.
[This message edited by BrokenheartedD at 2:17 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]