I have so much anger and resentment towards you, I don't even know where to begin. This is long so sit down, shut up, and listen.
Why are you so hard on people? Why have you always been so hard on me? Always. It's progressed thru the years, but there was never a time where you weren't pushing me, yelling at me, unleashing your anger on me.
One of my earliest memories of your anger was in second grade. We'd received our report cards. Till this point, I'd gotten straight As. However, on this report card, I got a B in math. You were livid. Told me that when we got finished going to dinner (cause that's what we did on Fridays) I was getting a spanking.
I didn't understand your rage. It was a B. Not an F. You read my card, ranted, and announced I was getting spanked. You let me agonize for HOURS before dishing out the punishment. Did the thought ever occur to you that I was not comprehending my work? Which was completely backed up by Mother. She had to take my homework and re-teach it to me. I just struggled in math. But you insisted I wasn't applying myself and you were angry that you were forking out ever-so-much money for private school and I had the nerve to bring home a B.
Daddy dearest, didn't you cheat your way thru school? You in fact, bragged many times that you cheated your way thru. So tell me, would you rather me try my hardest and make a B, or cheat and get an A? Tell me which is worst? Tell me which one deserved the spanking I got.
You got a wild hair one day when I was about 8 years old and decided to purchase two baby goats. We lived in the heart of the city. You brought those baby goats home, and handed me all the equipment and expected me to bottle feed the babies. I struggled and struggled. I was only 8. I was little. Knew nothing of farm life. Was no expert on goats. When I would go out, I would sob as I tried to force the babies to eat. they would squirm out of my grip and run all over the giant pen they called home. I was terrified to go in the house and tell you because I knew the inevitable would happen.
Somehow, I would accept my defeat and trudge into the house and tell you I couldn't do it. You would throw down your newspaper, yell at me, and go outside, making me follow you. You would grab one of the babies. lock it between your legs, and give it the bottle. I wasn't near your size. I didn't have near your strength. And you know what? In the end, the babies went back to the farm you bought them from. Why? Because they wouldn't latch onto the bottles right and they missed their mommies. And I suspect that the poor goats living in the middle of the city had a part in it.Somehow you never failed to mention my inadequacy in taken care of the goats. It was always mentioned.
You would brag all the time how you could take me to a fancy five star restaurant as a child and I would behave myself. You know why I did? Because I feared your anger if I misbehaved. You had no hesitation to jerking me out of my chair and spanking me. I didn't like spankings. No child does. But I feared the anger you had when you did the spanking. We didn't speak above a quiet voice around you. Ever. We got the Look of Death or a spanking if we did. Children are to be seen, to make you look good, and to not be heard.
I loved you. Adored you. And I feared you. I did what I could to stay on your good side.
The real trouble with you and I began when I was 13 Dad. When I got my period. It was like I was suddenly diseased. Wasn't allowed to hug you anymore. From that point on, you never touched me. I couldn't sit close to you on the couch. You were never affectionate. I have tried and tried, but I cannot remember the last time you kissed my cheek. How sad is that. I'm really not sure what rock you grew up under but I'm quite sure it's ok for children to give and receive kisses and hugs from their parent, no matter their age.
The really sad thing? When I needed you the most, when I needed your support and love, is the very time you withdrew it. I craved your attention and affection. But there was none there. So I replaced you. With many.
Lets discuss RC shall we? His family was wealthy, established, and in my age range. You loved that I liked him because if we were to marry, you would have that connection to power and money. Because you're superficial like that. His parents had a beautiful home, sports cars, and boats. We had "family dates" in the bay. Boating, followed by dinner on the pier. It was a life you would kill to have. You ate the attention up. However, I dumped him. Why? because I was a child. Because he was long distance. And because of DE, who was not only local, but turning his attention to me. He was the guy that all the girls wanted. And he was giving ME attention.
He was also from a wealthy, established family. You somehow became BFF with DE's Dad too. We were together all the time, several times a week. DE started making the moves. And I accepted and reciprocated. He started very slow. I let my guard down more and more. You found out there was "something more" in our relationship and flipped your lid. Absolutely lost your mind. The nightly fights and arguments started. You would insist that I wasn't supposed to be with "that boy". Then you would plan dinner or an outing for the next day. You dangled me under DE's nose, you kept us together, but expected us to NOT act upon the impulses that come natural. You know what's really sad? QS can back that up. He watched it happen over and over and over and over. You set me up for failure. And refused to take responsibility when the inevitable happened.
I got my first kiss behind Peebles when a group of my friends went out. I was so scared. But if felt incredible. And it awakened something within me. This boy that you hated so much (maybe because you two were so alike) was giving me affection and attention. You gave me anger and fights. Wonder which one I'll stick with Dad...
DE started pushing me for more. It is a natural progression of a relationship is it not? I was scared to go further. 14 years old and already putting two and two together. Physical acts = affection. I didn't though because I didn't want to get pregnant. I still didn't know prevention. Maybe that was Mother's plan. Ignorance = fear. DE started working me in other areas. Attempting to isolate me from friends and family. I started keeping more and more secrets from you and Mother. And with our nightly fights, the logical thing to do was hide more and withdraw more. You became the enemy. I was learning to hate you.
You got me a job and I started working full time. It opened me up to a whole new, very adult world. You thrust me into this world. Telling me I was an adult and should act like one. Only I wasn't. Dad, I was a child. I was 15 and couldn't possibly have the knowledge nor the life skills to navigate this world successfully. How did you and your friend get around the child labor laws Dad? I wasn't even graduated from high school. And yet I worked a full 8 hours and commuted 3 hours each day. You pushed me, and pushed me. Told me I was making a good choice to work. And you never, ever failed to mention that I rise and fall by my own merits. Funny thing is, as long as I was rising, we were cool. Cause I was a reflection of you and my rising made you look good. The moment I started falling, you would fly off the handle about how I was making you look bad. You contradicted your statement with your actions. I resented you. I still craved your love. But I resented you.
There was a co-worker, a man, that was closer to my age than anyone else. JD was in his mid-20's compared to my 15. He was kind and friendly. We hung out alot. He had flowers sent to my desk randomly as well as special occasions. He brought me gifts from his tennis matches. He would pick up coconut shakes during his lunch cause he knew I liked them. He treated me the way you should have. He showed me more care than you did. He knew the passcode into my heart. And he gained entrance.
You didn't care about me. You dominated. And as a child, walking toward adulthood, the thought of me slipping from your control, and your inability to stop me from making choices that would make you look bad infuriated you even further. It was always about you.
I looked older. I had a full grown woman's body. The curves, the breasts. I could have passed for my early 20's. People told me this all the time. You knew this. You weren't blind. Did you not stop to think that every other man on the planet would see that too? Did you not know from your own life experience that men would see me, notice my gaping hole of a soul, and attempt to exploit that? JD did. Our "relationship" took a not so innocent turn. I ate the attention up. I didn't think about the age difference. Not till recently. After all, you beat it into my head, "You're an adult". But I wasn't. JD could have gotten into serious trouble. Jail trouble Dad.
The only man you ever, ever, ever warned me about was Ed. And everyone in town knew he was a pervert. It oozed from his every pore. Not like you shared any earth-shattering advice there. But yeah, thanks for the heads up.
I had complications with my body. The doctor put me on birth control to attempt to regulate me. She said we would keep me on the pill and we'd cross our fingers when it came time to have children. You didn't sit down with me and ask how I felt about it. You pretended that it wasn't happening. All the infertility on both sides of the family and you couldn't open your mouth and tell me everything would be ok? That we would figure this out? Not a peep Dad. Mother either. Like if you ignore it, it will all go away.
One night while commuting home, you asked what I really felt about DE. You promised to not yell or get angry. You promised. I was scared, but trusted you to keep your word. I was honest. I said I loved DE. And you lost. your. mind. We fought the rest of the night. Then you didn't speak to me for three days. Three days Dad. And it was then I vowed to never tell you anything ever again. You couldn't possibly love me. You pushed me away, you didn't show me your affection. You showed me your displeasure and anger unless it was something that benefited you. You got mad when I exercised my own wants and desires. When I attempted to think for myself. You said my ideas and beliefs were stupid. That I didn't know anything. How is that Dad? How exactly am I an adult, yet I'm stupid and don't know anything? Which is it? You didn't know what to do with me. So you lashed out in anger. Props. That'll win me over.
My experiences moved to men online in chat rooms. That adult world was getting bigger and bigger to me. Spoke to all kinds of men. 33, 40, 29, whatever. I didn't think one thing about their age. All I looked at was the attention. They're the kind of guys that end up on Dateline's To Catch a Predator. You called me an "adult" and expected me to act like an adult. But I was a child. A naive, semi-innocent child. With just enough sexual knowledge to be dangerous. It was also at this time I met HV. He became my EA#1 in my marriage. I talked to him many years. He was a friend and someone I could count on to support and accept me. And thankfully he was long distance. Because I was jail bait to him as well. JD was putting more moves on me. We talked more and more about my moving out. A man in his mid-20s wanted me to move in with him. Doesn't that seem more than a little disturbing to you Dad?
You were angry with me when I quit my job at 17 to go to school. I was ruining your life by making you look bad with your friend that gave me the job in the first place. Funny thing is, my boss encouraged me. His son was in college, he knew the importance of it, he wanted me to succeed in my life. He wanted more for me than you did Dad.
I started community college much to your dismay. Why were you so against it? Didn't you want me to thrive? How can I thrive unless I further my education? I can't get that dentist job without a degree. I fought you and fought you over that stupid dentist thing. I was content with being a hygienist. That's what I wanted. But you made comment after comment that if I was going to school, I may as well go further and be the dentist that owns the office. This was not a competition Dad. You were mentally comparing your kids against my cousins. My female cousin is a physician's assistant? Oh, well YOUR child is a dentist, so nah! Again, all about you and how people saw you. I also can't help but wonder, were you jealous that I was going to college? Cause ya know, you didn't. Things progressed with DE and the fights with you escalated. I went off the pill. In my childish, ignorant mind, if I went off the pill, I wouldn't have sex for fear of pregnancy. I still didn't know anything about any other birth control method. And I knew it was a religious no-no.
At school I met Z. He was 28. We emailed several times and saw each other in passing. It was then I learned of eye witness reports from trusted sources that DE was legit cheating on me. I felt something snap inside me. Life, and the most important male figures in my life hated me. I emailed Z and set up a date. Only it wasn't a real date. We met up at the rear entrance of the mall and after hanging out just 10-15 minutes, I ended up in the back of a car with him. I was 17.
At this point in time Dad, you and I weren't talking. And if we did talk, I was fabricating so many lies just to shut you up, you didn't know which end was up. I got into a car with a stranger I knew exactly nothing about. I didn't see the danger in it. I craved affection, attention, validation so badly. Mother had led the way with her crappy self-conscious laced comments about my body and severe lack of real knowledge. You followed up by stripping away any feelings towards me of real substance, besides anger. This man could have killed me and left me dumped behind the mall. You would have had NO clue where I was or who did it.
All I wanted was love Dad. Was that so much to ask? Were your own experiences and hang ups so much that you had to deny me this very basic of affections? I am your daughter. It should be natural to love a child. It was for me. The moment I realized I was pregnant with each of my children, I loved them. The moment I held them in my arms, I knew I would die to save them. That I would do whatever it took to let them thrive.
What happened in your past that has molded you into the monster I see before me today? What is with the blinding jealousy? You despise anyone who has nicer things than you. You talk down on QS and BIL. They aren't "man enough". They are stupid because they don't do things your way. Who freaking died and made you God!?
QS got a gun for Christmas and you were so jealous. How do I know? Because you talked down on it. All the negative features you could think of. You were trying to make QS feel bad about his gift and make yourself feel better in the process. You know what? Yes, it was a "cheap" gun. It's a n-o-v-e-l-t-y. It's for fun, not home defense! I saw it and I reminded me of QS and the western novels he likes. That is why I bought it. Not to impress you or make you jealous. But to see the smile on my husband's face. The gun had nothing to do with you. But you managed to make it allllll about you. That is what you always do.
Poetic justice of sorts? Because of your crappy, crappy financial choices, you were in danger of losing your home and the utilities being shut off. You had to sell some of your precious gun collection to pay the bills. QS had plenty of play money sitting around. (The fact he has money sitting around just kills you. I know that for a fact. Make some better choices Dad. You might spare cash too.) He bought one of your guns off you. You will never see it again. You lost a piece of your prized collection because of your crappy choices. QS added to his collection. At your expense. That is one less gun for you to brag about. Sucker. Of course I'm sure the story is that you "gave" QS a handgun. When you lay in bed at night and see a ceiling over your head, you can thank QS that you're seeing ceiling and not stars.
I have replaced you Dad so many times over in my life, it hurts to look back and name them all. Some of them, I can't even name. There were that many. They were temporary replacements for what should have been a permanent position for you. Why couldn't you love me? Was I that terrible of a child? Was I that much trouble? What did I do that was so evil that you couldn't love me? Why couldn't you take time out of your special Unicorn Land and attempt to connect with me? You tried to buy me off so many times when things reached a near breaking point. You tried to plug the holes in the dam with dinners, or ice cream. You couldn't see the real issue. You STILL can't see the real issue. And that is why you are not a part of my life right now.
You know what else Dad? I have outgrown you. Unlike you, I face the consequences of my actions. When I do something wrong, I don't rugsweep it and pretend it didn't happen. I apologize and work thru it. Ask QS. He knows. He can tell you things that will blow your mind. You have spent a lifetime running from your problems or pretending there isn't any. You refuse to talk about anything. You refuse to do the hard work. I'm like you in alot of ways. I inherited your sarcasm, your sense of humor. I've inherited your looks. I have not however, inherited your heartlessness. I have a heart. And I have feelings. And I acknowledge them both. Even when it hurts beyond all comprehension. You wouldn't know the first thing about that. Know why we can't co-exist semi-peacefully anymore? Cause in the two years I've been working on myself, I've outgrown you. I cannot breathe in your stagnant environment anymore.
You're right about one thing though. QS is NOTHING like you. And I thank God 100 times a day that he isn't. You are a cruel, closed-minded bully. He is gentle, he is kind. You are a selfish financial nightmare. QS is not. He makes plans, and then follows thru. You are emotionally void. QS has learned to show me the emotions he possesses. It took time, but he has them, they're there. And I see them more and more each day. He loves with his whole heart. You love like an addict loves heroin. Not caring who gets hurt, or the path of destruction that's left in your wake.
My children do not have a father like mine. They have a father that allows them to run thru the house, play hide and go seek in the house, do all the things a kid does. They are allowed to be noisy. They can make messes and not be yelled at. They are not held to an impossible standard. They are not pushed to grow up faster than they should. They are not discounted in their feelings and beliefs. They are allowed to be babies. Even more importantly, they hear, see, and feel every day that their Daddy loves them. And most importantly, they do not fear their Daddy.
You should take note. The very man you talk down on? You could learn more than a thing or two from him.
Aubrie
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
Because that stupid dog hung the freaking sun, moon, and dang stars. He sits on the couch with you every single day, you shower him with hugs and kisses and treats. Your 8 year old DOG gets more affection than I have gotten in a freaking lifetime Dad. There is something BAD wrong with that picture.
I have taken care of that stupid dog when you've gone out of town. I am kind to him, I do not ever mistreat him. I will not take my anger out on an poor, innocent creature. The real issue is with you, after all.
But yes. Here in the safety of this unsent letter I will admit. I HATE YOUR DOG. I HATE that you love him and show him more love than you EVER showed me. You go out of your way to take care of him. You put life plans on hold to take care of him. That stupid dogs wants and needs are paramount to anything else in life.
You know, if you didn't want the responsibility of taking care of little humans and funny things like feelings and emotions, you should have just bred dogs your whole life. You would have saved three kids and four grandchildren some serious issues.
Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to be reduced to being shown up by a dog????
I hate your dog. And I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate that you love him more than you love me.
I hate you today.
****** And another thing. I hate you for ruining my first year of marriage. I hate you for hurting Mother.
All she ever did was bend over backwards for you and your delusions. She never stood up to you. Ever. And after I got married, she doubted a church move YOU wanted to make. You fought and fought and fought with her. She wanted church A, (which is where y'all had been for flipping ever) you wanted church B. You attempted to poison everyone she knew against her. You attempted to poison my little sister and brother against her. You would attempt to buy their affection like a typical Disney Dad.
Mother would call me sobbing and out of her mind because you had just walked out after screaming at her or called her telling her all kinds of horrible things. I would have to go over between the two jobs that I worked, and try to keep her from ending her life. You made Mother suicidal. She felt the only way out of the hell she was living was by dying. YOU DID THAT TO HER.
You robbed me of what should have been the most magical year of my life. I spent it working two jobs, sitting at your house picking up your wife out of the floor, and coming home to fall into bed exhausted beside my new husband.
Our honeymoon was over three days after the wedding. Thank you for that. And THEN as if that isn't bad enough, you have given me the freaking guilt trip on the handful of weekend trips that I have made in the 10 years I've been married. Which ties into your stupid jealousy. You can't take trips. So you look down on anyone else who does.
You lied to everyone back then. All because you wanted your way. You used people because you wanted to have your way. Over a church Dad. A church. You risked everything, you hurt everyone, you hurt everyone, for your own personal gain.
Do you have a soul? I think not.
[This message edited by Aubrie at 11:36 AM, January 17th (Friday)]
It's so sad when our parents need help but won't get it, for some stupid reason....but....they are adults and that's on them.
You're a very strong woman Aubrie. This stuff is difficult but getting all this poison out of your system will help you in the long run.
I think you're very brave to face this and sort it all out. I know it isn't easy.
I wish I could go back in time and hug little Aubrie.
At some point over the weekend QS said, "I read your letters." We started discussing it. I don't know why I can't deal with little me. Maybe it's because I was shown me zero compassion, zero grace. We were always dealt with swiftly and strongly. There was no grace. There was only dominance and anger.
If my sister and I did not respond on their first request, be it taking something to the trash, cleaning our rooms, or answering their call, we were punished. If I heard, "AUBRIE!" yelled from the living room, I better RUN to find out what Dad needed/wanted. If I didn't, punishment was dished.
That is an impossible standard to hold a child to! Seriously! You put a child in a social setting, circus, fair, crowded mall on a weekend, even at home in their little Barbie world playing with dolls, playing dress-up with old bridesmaid dresses, whatever. You put a child in that kind of situation and expect them to be completely in tune with their parent and their parent's wants at alllllll times? Hello!? Our minds are flying. Didn't matter. I better reply if Dad addresses me and it better be instant. Even now. And I'm 29 with two children of my own. Dad rules, I bow. That's just the way the universe works.
Look, I don't like telling my kids things two and three times. But if you put them in the middle of a crowd and they see a circus clown, with a jaguar on a leash, juggling peanut butter pies while riding a unicycle backwards, my kids are not going to be focused on me. and I'm not going to punish them for being preoccupied.
I cannot extend myself the same kindness and/or consideration I do for my own children. I did not know what compassion and grace looked like till QS became a part of my life. And even when he did, Dad was in my other ear telling me QS was weak and less than a man and wrong with how he handled everything. Thus keeping his power over me. I didn't trust QS completely to handle life how he "should".
Argh! He's a monster!
More ranting and purging now so go about your life and ignore.
Dad, You couldn't bother with feelings and emotions. You hated when Little Sister and I showed interest in boys, yet when we wanted to get married, you fought us tooth and nail on it. You wanted us both to elope. Why? So you didn't have to spend the money. My wedding was $3,000 and QS and I paid for ALOT of stuff ourselves just so we wouldn't have to deal with you. I would consider $3,000 a screamin' deal to get my troublesome self off your hands. Don't you? Little Sister's wedding was cheaper than that. And she and BIL forked out alot of money for her wedding. You still griped the whole time.
Let's face it Dad. If we had eloped, you would never have forgiven us. While you would have saved a mere couple thousand dollars, you would have been stuck with the whispers, rumors, and people wondering what was up with your daughters. The pregnancy rumors would have been rampant. They would have been criticizing us for months after the elopements. That would all have been a reflection on you Dad. So really, while we "spent your money", we did you a favor. We married "honorably" and neither of us had children till several years into marriage. Your welcome.
Oh, and since I'm supposed to get everything out of my system...
The April Fools Day prank two years ago? I totally got you. And it pissed you off. You always crack jokes and prank other people. You love seeing people being the fool. I dished you an epic prank, in front of the entire church. There were people who refused to leave the parking lot because they wanted to see you fooled. They hung around in the blazing heat of the day, just to see you pranked. Know what? I got you. I saw the look in your eyes. I saw it. Disbelief. Shock. I will never, EVER forget that look. I won.
Later, you changed your story. You and Mom were all, "We weren't even worried about it. There were other things on our minds. We had meetings and things to think about. Your prank was nothing." But it was Dad. You would hardly talk to me for a week. When the prank was mentioned, you would bristle. Mom was testy there for a couple weeks too. Shoot, both of you still get an attitude if it's mentioned and it's been 2 years. Your anger/testiness give it away. And the look on your face that only I saw? That was a dead give away.
You can always dish it Dad. But you can never take it. On camping trips and adventures, you would be the one to throw people in the lake while they were in their sleeping bags and sleeping. You would collapse their tents on them. You would be the one to do mean, pranky things. But because of your "dominance" (AKA: BULLYING) people were scared of you. They wouldn't reciprocate. I wasn't. I got you. And you darn well know it.
Call me childish, I really don't care. Not the worst insult you've thrown my way. Thing is, it's only "childish" cause it's me. If you had been the one doing the pranking, it would be "genius". See the double standard? Probably not. And here's the other thing Dad. Mine was a legit prank. It affected one person. You. It was not a humiliation. Your "pranks" leave people feeling terrible and humiliated. There's a difference.
I'm so ashamed of you. I'm ashamed to have to admit that you are my Dad. I used to be proud of you. Even with all the hurt you have given. Even after all the anger and rage. I would stand up for you and fight for you. Not anymore. You are a sad, sick excuse of a man.
I feel so humiliated. There are no telling the things you have done to people throughout your life. There have been more and more stories and memories that bring things to my mind. I'm humiliated to have to admit that I am your daughter. I hate being tied to you. I don't want anything to do with you.
Dad this letter was started in anger and rage. I wrote it on a public forum, not for pats on the heads and praise of my "hard work", but for the accountability. I will push myself thru this and write you as memories come. And I will fight the shame and embarrassment. The story goes, I'll be better if I deal with this. I'm not seeing it yet. I'm a bleeding, broken mess on the floor. I'm nowhere near as healthy as I would like to think.
I hate what you have done to me. I'm allowing myself to feel ugly feelings that I've always pushed down. I don't know how long the hate will stay. Today is a mixture of hate, extreme sadness, and and almost overwhelming shame.
