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He's friends with an X and I can't handle it

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ladythump posted 1/17/2014 18:40 PM

Basic question:

How many people would be comfortable having their boyfriend be friends with his XGF?? I don't mean they are just friendly to each other, I mean they go out for breakfast, text but not very often, do favors for each other etc. They actually have a friend relationship.

I'm in this situation and even though he's always been upfront and told me they were friends, I just can't seem to be comfortable with it. Every time his phone goes off, I think it's her. Every time he has free time, I think he's hanging with her. I've been going out with this man for two years and it still drives me nuts.

I don't think in any way he's going to cheat on me with her or go back to her, but the thought of him giving her any of his time bothers me.

Just wondering if others would feel the same way......
I'm also scheduled back for counseling next week.

Girlietoo posted 1/17/2014 19:40 PM

Nope. Not ok.

Edited to add

Oops, realized I shouldn't have posted here based on the description. Deepest apologies.

[This message edited by Girlietoo at 7:42 PM, January 17th (Friday)]

absolut posted 1/17/2014 19:42 PM


Catwoman posted 1/17/2014 19:47 PM

There are those who are friends with an ex and there are those who are still enmeshed with an ex. The former I can deal with; the latter I cannot.

Why did they part ways romantically? Are they both in new relationships? Why is this friendship important to them? I think if you understand their motivations, you can make a more informed decision.


cryingdaily posted 1/17/2014 20:04 PM

I can understand being friends with an X because I am friends with my XH, no infidelity in that relationship, we were just not compatible as a M couple.

However, I can also understand you not being comfortable with it. I think all of our situations are different. This is about you and what you are willing to accept in your relationship. If his friendship bothers you, you have every right to voice your feelings and decide if this is something you can accept. If not, you need to do what is healthy for you.

ladythump posted 1/17/2014 20:18 PM

They parted ways because she wanted kids and he did not.

He has been in a new relationship with me for two years now. She has just started a new relationship in the last six months. She was single up until then.

The friendship is important because they both moved to Canada together from Ireland and other than a few other people who live an hour away, they are the only ones from Ireland in their social circle.

Harriet posted 1/17/2014 21:12 PM

My ex boyfriend from college is one of my best friends. I have absolutely no romantic feelings for him. None at all. He's a fantastic person, but he's not for me. When I was married, his wife had no problems with our friendship. It's different now, so I try to respect her feelings and I make an effort to visit him when she is there, too.

I think the important thing is that you communicate with your boyfriend and he respects your feelings and your fears. I am bummed that I can't be as free with my friend like before I was single, but I also don't want to be the source of any problems for his marriage.

ladythump posted 1/17/2014 22:05 PM

Harriet - I find you post interesting. I like that you respect his relationship with his wife to recognize that because you are no longer married, things are different and you shouldn't be the friends you were before. I guess I'm not getting that.

littlefoggy posted 1/17/2014 22:12 PM

I am with Cat. She put it very nicely.

There are those who are friends with an ex and there are those who are still enmeshed with an ex.

I have been friends with an ex. He found out that he KU his XGF and I was young to be playing step mom.

We broke up but stayed friends for a time.

If you bring up your concerns and he is respectful, it is a good thing. If not, maybe you should re-evaluate.

persevere posted 1/17/2014 22:31 PM

He found out that he KU his XGF
I'm sorry, but what is KU? ETA - oh wait, I'm slow - got it up....

As for the original post ladythump, I'm with Cat on this - do you feel they are enmeshed?

[This message edited by persevere at 10:31 PM, January 17th (Friday)]

littlefoggy posted 1/17/2014 22:32 PM

KU: knocked up

absolut posted 1/17/2014 23:29 PM

I've been dating a wonderful man for about 8 months now. We've exchanged the "i love u's" -
At the beginning of our relationship, he told me he was still friends/friendly with his ex girlfriend. They had been broken up for two years when we met and had been going out for about four years prior. She is also a friend of his on Facebook.

Yesterday he posted a photo album of him biking and her comment on the album was --

" Nice to see you riding your cross country bike again. Cross country is sexy."

The comment really bothered me. Am I crazy?

LT, I'm taking the liberty of pasting a quote of yours from a thread of yours from when you had only been dating this man for a much shorter time.

Why are you putting yourself through this? He doesn't respect your boundaries and probably has less in the way of boundaries than you know about. He has already broken up with you once for not "trusting" him over this friendship and you are in therapy over it.

Please be wary of men who think that trust is something to be freely handed out unwarranted. You do not have to trust him or anybody. You get to choose.

To me he sounds extremely self absorbed, he wants to spend time alone with his exgf and have a gf too, and if you don't like it then he breaks up with you. Sounds to me like he's not really ready for a committment.

gotmylifeback posted 1/18/2014 00:47 AM

When I was dating ex wife, she went out to dinner with one of her ex's. Didnt tell me before the "date." To me it was a date but she said that it was just a friendly time to catch up with one another. This was our first huge fight. Yet, somehow there was no real resolve. The fight just ended with me feeling like an over jealous man.

I was so close to breaking up over that incident but didnt. Here I am, 10 years later and wishing I had listened to my gut; that it just didnt feel/seem right. In retrospect I can see that it was just a preview of what I would see in the marriage: someone who has poor boundaries, no concern for my feelings, and who would go on to cheat on me at least gwo times.

It is one thing to be friends with an ex. But, if I am in a new relationship, my new partner is my top priority. If my friendship with my ex makes my SO uncomfortable then I need to choose. Its about being proactively considerate of my partners feelings. Because of my ex's affairs I will always have some lingering trust issues. I am already sensitive about my SO having male friends let alone being friends with her ex. If your gut or feelings are screaming out then I would discuss the matter with your SO. If he downplays it or doesnt show any concern for your feelings then I would turn and run away without looking back.

sparkysable posted 1/18/2014 08:14 AM

My brother is still friends with his ex-gf, as are myself and my parents. He now has a girlfriend.

However, the extent of their friendship consists of the occasional contact. A funny text, Christmas cards sent, him fixing her brakes on her car for her with parts she bought. I invited her to a Tupperware party I had. They do not hang out or text all the time. My brother has a gf and she has a bf. No boundaries are crossed. To me, their friendship is a safe one....and I normally say that no way can men and women be "just friends". But in this case, I believe it.

When there is a problem with "just friends" is when they text all the time, hang out all the time, etc. To me, that is just inviting trouble and that is someone stomping on boundaries, pissing on their territory if you know what I mean.

Can you give us some more insight into this "friendship"?

ladythump posted 1/18/2014 09:16 AM

I think the first year of our relationship they were still pretty close. I know a month after we started dating, she had a little birthday party for him, they went to lunch a month later, three months later he took her parents to breakfast as they came to visit from out of town, same month he invited them over for a bbq (I was there also).

they shared a same address because they were in the middle of getting Residency, so when he was back home in Ireland, his paycheck was sent to her house and she deposited it for him while he was back home. An email was also exchanged at this time.

After Sept I think the relationship quieted down a bit, though I don't really know as by now he knew their relationship was a problem for me so he stopped telling about any correspondence.

I learned this past April that she did her taxes for him. That was te last time we talked about her until Jan when I asked if he's seen or heard from her and he said said that they went to breakfast (with her new bf) before xmas. I was upset he never told me about the breakfast. We talked about it and three days later he broke up with me citing I will trust him with her and he's not giving her up as a friend as he's done that before for a past relationshiop and he's not goind to do it again.

finallymefirst posted 1/18/2014 09:24 AM

(((Ladythump))),,,,so sorry. This would bother me too. I know that we are all weary of starting over AGAIN, but at what price do u pay for having this kind of relationship..

Harriet posted 1/18/2014 09:50 AM

It shouldn't be a seceret. He shouldn't see her secretly. If my friend met up with me and told me he was hiding it from his wife, I would be really upset.

InnerLight posted 1/18/2014 15:31 PM

A secret meeting with an X and he wonders why you would be upset about it? The fact that he broke up with you over it tells me he values his relationship with her over his relationship with you. Ouch!

Trust your feelings on this one. You are justified being upset about it. There is no way you should 'handle' it. This is not your 'defect' to improve on. This is his head stuck half way up his ass. Sorry! This must really hurt.

I am angry on your behalf!

I get that he is attached because they have shared cultural history. It's hard to be an immigrant in a new land. It does make you crave the company of someone from your old country. However, it would need to be carefully negotiated to take care of your needs and your relationship first. Secret meetings were the absolutely wrong way to handle this.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 3:34 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

Softcentre posted 1/18/2014 16:31 PM


OK, my Wh has always tried to be friends with his exes. IMO, it shows a lack of boundaries. It would be different if they had children together, but even then...he sounds emeshed, not healthy.

BAB61 posted 1/18/2014 22:53 PM

I get the whole "we're from the same country" thing, however they are both in a country that speaks the same language and it appears they have lives here, and those lives appear twined. Big Red Flag for me is that he would hide a meeting with her. His priority is not you or your feelings, I'm sorry to say.

Read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, ask him to read it as well. Great boundary definitions and ways to ensure they stay that way.

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