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anyone have good strategies for difusing our own anger?

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TheAgonyOfIt posted 1/17/2014 20:37 PM

Hi everyone,


My rollercoaster ride is much more tame than it used to be but I still have flare ups of big emotion.

Today it's been anger. Anger all day. Anger in my stomach, in my throat. Anger in my eyeballs.

I read a suggestion to practice patience, to feel the "energy of anger".. it kind of makes sense, it's from pema chrodron..

Developing patience and fearlessness means learning to sit still with the edginess of the energy. It’s like sitting on a wild horse, or on a wild tiger that could eat you up. There’s a limerick to that effect: “There was a young lady of Niger, who smiled as she rode on a tiger. They came back from the ride with the lady inside and the smile on the face of the tiger.” Sitting with your discomfort feels like riding on that tiger, because it’s so frightening.

I suppose that's why they call it practicing. Because it's hard, and cannot be learned at once. Because not everything can be resolved. That sometimes it just is and if we fight it, we create more suffering.

I get it, but I'm still angry and very uncomfortable. I suppose that's the point, getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Anyone have anything to add to enlighten or help with anger? It's not volcanic as it once was, but it's simmering pretty well and, well, i just want to feel better.


sadone29 posted 1/17/2014 21:06 PM

I love Pema Chodron, and before I read your post, I was coming here to say "mindfullness". When I get angry, I try to just be aware of it. It usually doesn't take long to see through the anger to the deep hurt underneath. So the last time I triggered, I had fantasies of asking H if he was chatting with his girlfriend (when I saw that he was on the computer). Instead, I sat with it and by the time he entered the room, I was honest about my anger and what I had wanted to say. We ended up having a really good talk.

ButterflyGirl posted 1/17/2014 22:55 PM

I bought a punching bag "for my kids," but I certainly use it too. I also like to take a piece of paper and rip it and keep ripping it into tiny little pieces. I would just suggest some type of slow release of the anger. Like you said, "diffuse" it. Meaning you can't magically make it disappear instantly, but you can calm yourself down slowly, like count to 10 or whatever.

Not my proudest moment, but I also took some old cheap glasses I had in the cabinet from a garage sale and threw them into the garbage can one by one. Now that felt really good, and no mess to clean up afterwards.

Uhtred posted 1/18/2014 08:41 AM

I've participated in Mixed Martial Arts for the past 10 years and more specifically Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I'm a grappling coach and competitor and I find when I'm angry this helps blow off steam. When you are engaged in "combat" with someone all your thoughts disappear and you only focus on the here and the now.

If you get a chance to try it you will most likely love it. It is a good sport and a good way to stay sharp and in shape. I have to admit the affair has taken me to a new place in my life. The odds are all against me but if I keep fighting I may win. Win or lose though I know I've fought a good fight. I've been battling alcohol and prescription drug addiction since this has all happened. I've had an awakening so to speak to get clean and focus on what I love the most. That being my family and grappling.

I think that every man that is physically able to train should. It is good for the mind and soul.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 1/18/2014 09:53 AM

Hi Sadone,

it usually doesn't take long to see through the anger to the deep hurt underneath

I wish that was true more often for me. I want to connect with my softness more as pema c talks about.

Yesterday I was super pissed off and astounded by the insensitivy of XWS

Several months ago all he would sing for a week in a journey voice is....."fooled around and fell in love." He has a knack for singing just the sadistic thing.

Before that it was - "There ain't no good guy, there ain't no bad guy, There's only you and me and we just disagree. Ooh-ooh-ooh, oh-oh-ohas"

All this at the top of his lungs. Over and over again.

I guess it's the little things but I was still extremely emotionally raw. So I'm hurt that he's an asshole? I want to be. Im just so angry.

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 9:53 AM, January 18th (Saturday)]

sadone29 posted 1/20/2014 09:24 AM

Sorry I didn't come back sooner! I just had a ridiculously busy weekend and couldn't make it back here.

Anyway, I have to wonder if I could heal as quickly if my H had been as unremorseful as your spouse was.

H has been working his ass off and has never been defensive or jerky since the day after DDay. He seems to get it.

If he didn't and was a jerk, that would cause more pain and anger and would take more time to deal with. So I would suggest just letting yourself be angry for as long as you need to. It doesn't mean you have to act on it. But emotions are good to have. Anger protects us.

Even Pema Chodron said it took her 5 years to get over infidelity. Let me know if you would like the video where she talks about it!

TheAgonyOfIt posted 1/20/2014 11:46 AM

Sure would love video!

((Pema was a BS?))

sadone29 posted 1/20/2014 12:22 PM

Yes she was a BS. It was the beginning of her journey to becoming a nun.

She speaks about it at around the 4:50 mark:

TheAgonyOfIt posted 1/20/2014 17:16 PM

Wow! I'm not sure how I feel about her having been a BS. Astounded for some reason and then wow, that pain so great led her to vast personal growth/understanding and teaching. I guess I wish she would address healing from that more specifically, although she kinda does in this clip, the groundlessness of life. In any case, people go through all kinds of trials so best that she casts a wider net.

She did talk of a sort of absolute pain....I'm probably misquoting...some pain is just unavoidable, even if we don't resist.

I would do well to really study her works. So fast just dabbling but I can already see so many goals there

Thanks for sending link!!!!

sadone29 posted 1/21/2014 08:13 AM

You're welcome! She does go into it in her book When Things Fall Apart as well, though I don't remember to what extent. I haven't read any of her other books yet.

I tend to listen to many different Buddhist monks and nuns, but I do gravitate toward Pema because she knows this specific pain. Before I met H, I was seriously considering becoming a Buddhist nun. She reminds me of what used to be important to me and is helping me to regain that part of myself. I know that I can't run off to become a nun right now (she has also said that her timing to becoming a nun was way off and I think it caused a lot of problems for her children), but I can implement some of my practice back into my life.

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