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First weekend truly alone in 18+ years

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GotPlayed posted 1/18/2014 10:22 AM

I don't have the kids this weekend, my new house is essentially set up (and temporary orders mean I can't further improve it I guess) and it's the weekend. Divorce papers received on Friday (see my thread in D/S) didn't help my mood.

I went to the movies yesterday. Today I'm going hiking nearby.

Other than a supermarket run I have no idea what else to do. After 18+ years of making these decisions as a family (which usually meant going with whatever WW dictated), it's my first weekend of leisure alone without the kids or the wife ever (that's how "bad" of a husband I was).

I get the kids Sunday night. I only haven't seen them since Thursday morning but I miss them.

Hiking will help. Maybe. I need to make a list of the kind of things I like. I don't even know that anymore.

nowiknow23 posted 1/18/2014 10:30 AM

It gets easier, GotPlayed. A hike sounds great - something to get you out and moving is just what the doctor ordered.

I think a self-inventory is a great idea! Do you have any hobbies that you've let go of over the years? Any areas of interest you've not had the time to pursue?

GotPlayed posted 1/18/2014 10:40 AM

Thanks, nowiknow23

Not sure. Will find out during the hike I guess.

I told a friend I feel a bit like an agoraphobic indoor cat. First time out, frozen. Not knowing what to do.

It will pass. 18 years is a bit overwhelming. Another problem WW (who needed sooo much "alone" time to "find herself" ) doesn't have and never had.

And I'm a silver lining kind of person. I know I'll end up liking it and looking forward to it. Just overwhelmed right now.

cmego posted 1/18/2014 10:55 AM

Books saved me the first few months….I could get lost in them.

PhoenixRisen posted 1/18/2014 11:08 AM

books are great! heading to library today to get more :)

Williesmom posted 1/18/2014 11:12 AM

It does get better. Stay busy. Read, hike, walk the dog, clean, go to the movies.

tryingagain74 posted 1/18/2014 12:01 PM

The first weekend was really hard for me as well. My kids are all pretty little, and I was a SAHM for six years, so my identity was pretty tied up in them. I did a fair amount of crying when I dropped them at his place that first Friday night.

Anyway, now that I have EOW open, I can't believe how many things I've been doing and how much fun I've been having. I'm a fairly introverted person, so it's easy for me to just stay home since I like the peace and quiet and enjoy reading. However, most weekends I've been going out with friends and family, and I also started volunteering once per month with a local organization during my weekends off, and I've really enjoyed it. So, some quick and easy suggestions:

1. Volunteer-- it's a great way to get out, do something good for the community, and to meet people.

2. Reconnect with folks that you might have pulled away from during your M-- I hang out much more with family members and GFs; it's been so nice to cultivate those relationships again.

3. Road trip! Find a place either nearby to go to for the day or maybe to hang out at over the weekend. I have been thinking about a road trip during the time my kids will be gone for spring break or over the summer.

4. Save the chores-- other than basic cleanliness (dishes, laundry, clean up a spill), I leave the heavier cleaning to the weekends when my kids aren't around.

5. Hobbies-- I joined a choir and have started doing some writing again. I also have a couple of knitting/sewing projects I'd like to get back to again. The hiking you mentioned is a great place to start. I haven't read the other posts, but there might even be a meetup group in your area that goes hiking; that would be a great way to meet people with a similar interest.

Hang in there. It does get easier. Now, as the single parent and primary custodian, I look at the weekends as being a big help. I can get work done and enjoy some "me" time so that I'm not too overwhelmed during the week.

BAB61 posted 1/18/2014 13:12 PM

((GotPlayed)) I hope you have a great time hiking! I'm looking forward to choosing my activities too! My STBX usually would ask what I wanted to do, them promptly ignore my suggestions, I get that part of doing what YOU WANT!

How are the kids doing?

absolut posted 1/18/2014 13:57 PM

I'm so sorry. I don't have children (yet) but I've known a number of newly separated and divorcing dads and it seems like it's such a bewildering time for a man.
Not much to add here, except try to fill your time with hobbies, and if you have plans to/ are allowed to phone your kids (I know these things are often regulated by courts) have it planned out with them in advance.
A house with no kids can be extremely quiet. If you don't already have a pet, this might be a good time to consider one. Know that it is ok to cry.
And whatever you do, don't go out to bars or clubs or in any way use alcohol to soothe your sadness.

If you're not used to planning family outings on your own, maybe use your spare time this weekend to plan next weekend. Google activities for children in your area. Seeing all there is to do that you haven't done yet might just cheer you up a little and give you something to look forward to.

Best wishes.

GotPlayed posted 1/19/2014 00:16 AM

Went hiking, then shopping for the week, then forced myself to go to a movie again. Only back now. Tomorrow I'll probably mostly clean and get the house ready for my kidlets who come in tomorrow night.

@BAB61 yes, I was the opposite. Whatever she wanted to do went. Sometimes she'd ask my opinion and shut it down. Not all the time, sometimes we did do what I wanted, but mostly if it was a choice of place to eat, not for something important, like doing something for the weekend.

The kids are doing awesome. I pick them up tomorrow night for Mon/Tue with daddy. We've been doing great together. Even my DS w/A is adapting amazingly well, he loves his new room (I got him Superman sheets for his bed) and the few toys he has here, he's sleeping surprisingly well in there - maybe because it's so peaceful at my house (I'm a mellow guy). My DD says she wants to move with me permanently.

@absolut, thank you. I do drink but always avoid getting drunk. So that's not going to be an issue, it's a good thing to watch out for though. I got my guitar back recently from the house I left and I'm starting to practice again. That's currently the only hobby I can support. I want to avoid working - would be too easy for me to lose myself in workaholism and have her have a weapon to use against me on custody time (she already put that in the D papers).

IrishLass518 posted 1/19/2014 09:49 AM

You have done very well for the first weekend alone. I think mine was spent in bed alternately sobbing and sleeping so that the time would go by faster. Wow, 2 1/2 years later things have changed. I do my housework, clean my car, I spend tons of time with my Dad, watch movies and shows I want to see and read. I catch up with friends and other family members. I have my dreams and goals for my future firmly in focus and still I take time to be grateful for where I am on the journey. Don't mean to t/j just letting you know that it won't always be the first weekend alone. It will just be the weekend in no time.

GotPlayed posted 1/20/2014 08:43 AM

Thank you IrishLass!

Overall I not only survived but did ok. The morning of Sunday was difficult. But by the afternoon I was ok again. Then later I picked up my kids. I missed them so much! They provided the happiness I needed just as I was running out of steam myself.

I indeed did better than I had a right to expect. I can't wait to tell my IC. I have an appointment with him tomorrow I think.

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