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New and scared. My story.

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BrokenButTrying posted 1/18/2014 11:09 AM

Hello everyone,

My first post here. I have been reading a lot and plucked up the courage to post. Here I am, just over three weeks out from Dday and trying to make some sense of this horrible, horrible mess I have made.

I am deeply ashamed of what I have done and I am horrified at the person I became, weak and completely selfish. Dday was my wake up, not from the fog as such, that was very shortlived, but a realisation of the damage I had caused.

My H is trying very hard. He is on a roller coaster, we have hysterical bonding days, intimate days with lots of love and laughing, he has lots of triggers - although he has yet to share with me what they are, I try to read his mood and because it's early days I think sometimes I make it worse by reading him wrong! We have angry days, sad days, sometimes we have days with all of those things. But he won't talk to me about the affair. When he does, he lashes out at me calling me names, passing judgment, making crude comments about the physical aspect of the A.

I remain calm through it all, I figure I deserve the lashing out. I want to own my actions, I listen and try to understand the pain he is in.

I am fully committed to him and reconciling our marriage and I am trying to demonstrate this through all my behaviour.

I am being completely open, answering any questions (he isn't asking many) with total honesty, he has access to everything but as yet he is not checking up on me. I am reassuring him that I love him (I do, the affair was not because I didn't love him but because I was broken inside and mistakenly used it as a tool to fix myself by getting what I needed) apologising sincerely, comforting him when he needs it and trying to give him space (allowing space is very hard for me because of my own issues but I'm working on it.)

We started MC last week but have only had one session so far. After the session was possibly our worst day, he said he cannot forgive me and wanted me to move out. He shut down and refused go talk anymore so I wrote him a letter asking him just to give it time and to continue with the MC, then if a way down the road he cannot forgive me and feels no different to how he does now, we can make some more permanent decisions.

Since then we have been very close and had our longest run of consecutive 'good days' but have not actually discussed the A.

He has gone away this weekend to have some space and thinking time. I am really scared but I am trying very hard to put my feelings to the side and fully support him.

I am deeply sorry for what I have done, I take full responsibility for my actions and want to try to reconcile our marriage. I am thinking of doing IC to get to the bottom of my problems and why I allowed myself to do this to my family. Has anyone else found IC helpful?

It's all such a mess. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of self loathing but I am determined to keep my head above water and be there 100% for my husband, no matter what.

So, that's me. Apologies for not being consistent with the abbreviations, they're new to me and I was rambling!

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 6:22 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

floridaredman posted 1/18/2014 11:38 AM


I would say that you are off to a very good start.

It is going to be a long journey, but you have the right mindset and have done good groundwork so far.
You're BH is on the rollercoaster from hell and that rides lasts a pretty long time.
He seemed not very good at expressing his emotions until he sees it's absolutely necessary to. Most men are not good at expressing emotions, some need a catalyst and some of us can express them.
Men are taught to be tough, don't show weakness, Be a man. We forget that our wives or girlfriends need to see that side of us.

That you want us to be strong, yet vulnerable to you.
I believe if you stay the course you are on you could win him back. That's not guaranteed, but it is obvious that he loves you. The more the love..the bigger the hurt.
Don't give up..Don't stop pursuing him. Give him his space, but always let him know you are available.

You made some bad choices, but now you have the chance to keep making good ones.
Your remorse and honesty shows through and it is those things that will be the big factor in pulling him back in.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 11:41 AM, January 18th (Saturday)]

BrokenButTrying posted 1/18/2014 12:00 PM

Hello Floridaredmam,

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. It feels quite weird talking about it, my H, OM and our MC are the only people who know. It's nice not to be judged.

You are right, my H has never expressed his feelings for me. Years of feeling absolutely abandoned by him emotionally are what lead me to the lowest point in my life. I am terrified, after him opening up so wonderfully before he came home, that my actions will cause him to shut down again. But I am hopeful that MC and my reassurance will prevent that from happening long term.

I am here for the long haul, whether we R our marriage or just sort things out enough to separate amicably and take care of the children, I am prepared for any eventuality. Although the latter would break my heart.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 6:23 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

floridaredman posted 1/18/2014 12:07 PM

Years of feeling absolutely abandoned by him emotionally are what lead me to the lowest point in my life

Did you ever speak to him about you feeling this way before your affair?

I mean did you tell him you were vulnerable to having an affair because you felt emotionally abandoned by him?

If you did not..he cannot be responsible for you feeling that way...if you did and he ignored it, then he was wrong for that, but not to the point of you having an affair...I believe you know this right?

BrokenButTrying posted 1/18/2014 12:20 PM

Absolutely. I am not one to hide my feelings away and I cannot count the number of times I communicated how I felt to him. Over the years we must have racked up hundreds of discussions about it, I was always met by the same response; this is the way I am, I am not going to change. If you don't like it, you know where the door is.

He also used to call me crazy, unstable and say I needed professional help for wanting him to show me love and affection. The discussions, unfailingly, ended with me apologising to him and him forgiving me. The MC said this was called 'gaslighting'. I'm not entirely sure what that means, I guess we'll cover it in future sessions.

Before my A, I never felt I was vulnerable to having one. I think the years of emotional abandonment along with the long physical separation because of his work at the time are what made me vulnerable to it.

None of this justifies my actions, I absolutely understand that. I have hurt him deeply and there is no excuse for that.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 12:24 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

floridaredman posted 1/18/2014 12:45 PM

Gaslighting is taken from the movie "Gaslight"

It's an oldie about a man convincing his wife he is not doing exactly what he is doing and calling her crazy. Telling her she is not seeing what she is seeing. It is more like brain washing.

I hope your husband comes around. It definitely appears that you are doing the right things.
You are accountable and remorseful..that is very good.

BrokenButTrying posted 1/18/2014 14:27 PM

Thank you

floridaredman posted 1/18/2014 15:11 PM


A betrayed spouse shared with me that there are a lot of BH's (betrayed husbands) like your spouse.

He says they don't want IC/MC, they don't lash out, etc.

They say the blame you, but they are actually blaming themselves. They feel like they deserved it and have self-loathing. His insistence that you were at fault is him trying to convince himself that you were, when he actually blames himself.
The pain they feel isn't just from what was is that they feel it was warranted, that they deserved it.

Just something that was shared with me by Brandon808..he's a betrayed spouse

BrokenButTrying posted 1/18/2014 15:31 PM

That's interesting, certainly not something I would have thought about myself. My H is willing to attend MC with me, so hopefully when we do eventually discuss the reasons behind the A, we will uncover whether or not he feels he deserved it. I hope not!

I know he gets mind movies (is that the right term?) a lot and they are really hard for him. I think a lot of the lashing out, the name calling, etc come immediately after H has been picturing me with the OM. But his reluctance to talk to me about his triggers and mind movies means I don't know how to help him through it or what he needs from me when it happens.

I try to read his mood, I can generally tell when he's not feeling great and wants me to leave him alone but because it's just guess work, reading his body language, rather than a statement from him that he needs space, I have put my foot in in spectacularly a few times now and tried to offer reassurance and apologies when he doesn't want to hear it, which makes him even angrier with me.

floridaredman posted 1/18/2014 15:45 PM you blame your BH for your you believe he pushed you to do what you did?

Marriages will always have problems at some point, there are instances where your partner can make you feel unloved, unwanted, unimportant, but those do not warrant an affair.
The only way you can truly blame him for your affair is if he said...broken..go out and have an affair.

Not if you don't like leave..that doesn't say have an affair.

Not It's just the way I am

That doesn't say go have an affair either.

If he wanted you to, he wouldn't have been so devastated when you did.

BrokenButTrying posted 1/18/2014 15:56 PM

No, I do not blame him. Not even a tiny bit. I am an adult woman, in control of my own body, my own mind and I make my own choices. I hope very much that my H does not feel he deserved to be cheated on.

I made bad choices, ones that have hurt the person I love most in the world. I am full of self loathing and disgust, I did this. Not my H.

floridaredman posted 1/18/2014 15:58 PM

Ok..good. Then you do have the right mindset

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