WS (26 y/o, I'm 30)) of 7 years and SAHM of our 2 yo daughter went on a cruise with her friends last week. I was ok with her going because its very cold and dark in the winters where we live and she needed to get away and get some sunshine... I had to work and couldn't go so she went with a group mostly comprising of married female friends.
Backstory: we have been having our most issues since last winter when I volunteered for a deployment to Afghanistan against her wishes (I haven't been and its a career move-- I didn't expect her to understand or be supportive, but I thought we'd be fine). FWIW We have since realized we have been living a co-dependent marriage. I can't thank the community here enough for making it possible for us to realize that. This past year I have said some things to drive a wedge into our relationship (biggest one that stands out is when she wanted to buy me something really awesome for my birthday I told her something to the effect of "oh so I'm buying myself something nice..." Our latest fallout was the day before her birthday in December. I came home and a friend of hers that I openly disapprove of (friend is ok with sleeping with other people while her husband is deployed to Cuba... ok in their marriage or not I don't think its appropriate to call someone a close friend who thinks that way) was at our house for the 4th day in a row that week. She left, I unloaded on my WS and basically asked her what she did all day, because the house was a wreck and had been for a while. WS left to go stay with her folks and hour and a half away and said we'll re approach this relationship after the cruise. I couldn't do that and we made what I thought were some amends before Christmas and continued until her cruise last week. Little did I know she had given up on the relationship and trying to make it work. While she was gone I took leave and took care of our daughter. Did a lot of projects around the house we just hadn't had time to work on (mostly for her) and even booked a trip for just us to go to Hawaii later this spring. I legitimately thought things were going better.
One of of her other close friends (who is german-italian - this makes sense later) who went on the cruise got a "hall pass" from her husband. WS hung out with her a lot on the cruise and they ended up meeting some guys from Italy. They hung out and danced and drank etc and she ended up in his bed 2 nights (so she says). Allegedly wore protection but I insisted she get tested anyway.
I found out about it because she was acting very very weird when she got back. It was like she just left someone she loved or really cared about. Adding to that, she mentioned meeting some Italians and seemed all super infatuated with speaking Italian with her friend mentioned above. It was like a school girl learning a language so she could pass notes. The real thing that alerted me was a brand new email account on her computer with Italian in the name, and she was pretty secretive with it. Ended up getting screen shots of the initial conversation that didn't tell me anything more than it being an emotional thing. Waited a day and got confirmation in another one ("I can still feel you..." etc
I didn't have anybody to talk to about it other than her mother (yeah I know...) We are very close and she was devastated and agreed that I needed to end it now.
I confronted her at that point- she had not a clue I had any idea. WS was clearly still in the fog and very defensive and is still attempting to justify it to some degree. I was lost. Angry, sobbing, just lost. I asked her to send an email to him killing the relationship and delete the account and watched while she did it. We had 2 meetings with counselors this week and have 2 more next week.
I sent screen shots to OP's BS on facebook but have no way of knowing if she got them. My BS got upset with me for doing that- I think the fog is making her still feel something for him. I personally hope he ends up homeless doing *things* for crack in some alley... but I digress.
I had posted in a private section of a gun forum I frequent asking for advice. 99% of the responses were kick her to the curb. One person referred me to SI and said how much it helped him, and I'm glad he did. I just found SI last night and things make so much more sense already. I love her still, this doesn't change that. I don't love what she did and its inexcusable.
One of the hardest things about this is that we have these giant issues in our life and talking about them keeps intermingling them. I was her world, and volunteering to deploy crushed her (see codependent above...) and she has not been able to get past that despite going to counseling some.
I know I need to do a 180 but I'm deeply concerned that it will just end in her leaving for good. When we fought in December she basically decided she needed to become a person independent of me (not realizing at that time what co-dependence was) and that she wanted to go back to school. She was looking at an 8 month certificate program 5 1/2 hrs away for massage therapy at a tech school (closest one). And she was wanting to take our daughter with. I realize she needs to become her own person but at this point I don't know how to trust her. There is a college 1 1/2 hrs away that has a great nursing program and she is looking very hard at doing that one. I told her I am not supportive of her moving 5 1/2 hrs away with our daughter (and she wanted to do it AND share an apartment with the german/italian woman mentioned above). I'll do what it takes to make this work but running away (in my eyes) is not the best answer as we have to work through this together.
I can't believe this is happening to me.