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Who should I tell?

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LostnHurt posted 1/18/2014 12:00 PM

I found out about my partner's "friendship" on December 15th. We have been together for 10 years. Initially, our relationship was very passionate, but over the years our sex life ebbed and flowed. We sometimes went a month or two without sexual contact, but we have always been very close. We have so much in common and I thought we would be spending the rest of our lives together.

When I confronted him about his texting friendship, he said he would end it because he wanted to save our relationship. However, I found out several days later that they were still talking. I fear it may be a full affair now. He told me he loves me and the OP. He said he is confused and can't decide. He said he felt our relationship lacked the intimacy he needed.

I know their relationship has intensified. He is very cold and distant with me now and texts with the OP constantly. I have caught him in several lies, but have not confronted him. BTW, he is 34 and the OP is 21.

I have only told my close friend at work and she has been very helpful. I feel that I need to tell my family for support, but fear that they might not ever be able to forgive him if we do eventually reconcile.

I think he may be planning to move in with the OP soon. I can't seem to focus on my job, sleep, or eat. My heart is constantly pounding in my chest. I need help.

UpInTheAirNow posted 1/18/2014 12:22 PM

Hi and welcome.
Things can be slow over the weekend but you are in the right place. You are probably in shock. That's normal. Remember to stay hydrated and keep alcohol to a minimum. You need a support group. It helps. Who you tell is up to you. Yes they may never view your SO the same. As you will never view him the same.
He is gas lighting you and being abusive. He wants his cake and eat it too. FTS. You need to 180 him now. You can't nice him back.
Please read all the treads in JFO with bullseyes. You should go back a few pages to find them. This info is very very important. Then you should go to the healing library and check out the FAQ from BS and from WS. You will find the 180 in FAQ. Do it now. Start today.
Your going to be on a rollercoster of emotions. But your not alone. We are always here.

neverwillhapn2me posted 1/18/2014 12:36 PM

I have only told my close friend at work and she has been very helpful. I feel that I need to tell my family for support, but fear that they might not ever be able to forgive him if we do eventually reconcile.

I struggle with this too, my DD was Dec,18th,2013 I finally told my brother last weekend and just this past week told a close friend. I don't think I will reconcile but I do not want sympathy and do not want to talk about it much.

I could not tell my mom or sisters they would just be calling all day everyday to check up on me, which would not help me 180 or continue down the path of filing for D. Which is where I believe im headed.

I just worry about my kids I do not want people to be making horrible comments around them about their mother.

[This message edited by neverwillhapn2me at 12:36 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

BAB61 posted 1/18/2014 12:48 PM

I only told a few close friends about the first D-day .. because I thought it was an aberration .. found out on the 2nd D-day I was wrong. Posted on fb about his cheating. I was very factual, not inflammatory and stated that I didn't want it to become a discussion .. info only.

I'm not sure who all you should tell, but definitely your closest friends and your family. Regardless of how it all shakes out you will be ok. F&F will help with that.

I'm sorry you are here, but you are in good company. ((LostnHurt))

I think I can posted 1/18/2014 15:06 PM

Does the OW have a boyfriend or husband? Tell HIM.

[This message edited by I think I can at 3:06 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

Daddo posted 1/18/2014 15:16 PM

Affairs are devastating - and in truth, only someone who has survived infidelity can relate. If you have friends or family who have been through this, they are the first people you should tell.

The reasons for telling people are:

1. To get support
2. So that the people who know and love you understand what is happening in your life. Whatever happens to your relationship, the next year will be terrible - you will go through all kinds of emotional crap - and they won't understand why you are a mess unless you tell them.
3. Revenge is a bad reason to tell people
4. Husbands/wives/lovers of the other person in the affair deserve to know.

Your first goal is to get support. You have nothing to be ashamed of and no reason not to tell people.

As for your BF. You need to take a hard line with him. You cannot tolerate one day of continuing contact. He needs to move out. I know it is messy - but you need to be strong - not angry, just strong.

Look up the 180 Rules in the FAQ section of this site.

Good luck

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