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User Topic: Could I cheat again?
2B1again
♂ 40703
Member # 40703
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BS and I had a conversation this morning about my affair when the topic of repeated infidelity came up. We have discussed this before and this is one of our topics that we do not agree upon.
I need to know if I am sticking my head in the sand.
My contention: I am "incapable" (her word to describe herself regarding having an affair) of having another affair for these reasons-

1) I was faithful for over 24 years.
2) I did not initially pursue my affair.
3) I will continue to do everything I can to work on myself to ensure that I understand the why's and how's.
4) I am witness to the complete devastation of her world that she is forced to live, and knowing that I am solely responsible for this.
5) I could never put the woman I love more than life through anything like this again.

I feel that largely because of my immense remorse and guilt I will be emotionally unable to engage in any type of infidelity for the rest of my life.

She contends that because I was "unhappy" with our marriage 4+ years ago when I started my affair, that if I am unhappy in the future I could have another affair. She also says that- now that I know how to have an affair it would be easier for me.

Is she really at risk? Am I capable of committing this type of atrocious act again? What I have done is so reprehensible I just can't understand how I could repeat it.

I am not trying to convince her to trust me, I know that if she ever can trust me again it will be many years from now. I am simply trying to understand if a truly remorseful (and changed) spouse can commit a repeat offense. And, "time will tell" is not a fair answer!
Thanks to everyone who posts on SI it has been a wonderful resource for both of us.



me- WH 51
her-BS 49
DS(26) DD(23)
Married 27 years
LTA 4yrs
DD1 1/2010
False R
DD2 8/2013

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NW US
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH and I have had the same conversation many times.

Along with all the reasons you listed, it is my hope that his perspective on this side of DDay that will prevent anything like this from happening again.

As a BS, we can never be 100% certain, but that's the way of life.

As YOU being YOU, you just have to remember that every second of every day, you make choices regarding how you conduct yourself. If you choose for the rest of your life to be faithful... well, then you will. It's technically that simple.


"Sometimes people are mean, and sometimes things will be hard. One of your jobs is to try and make sure that that never makes you mean and hard, too." Cord Jefferson's Mom

Posts: 18278 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
PrideFallen
♂ 42002
Member # 42002
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's probably safe to say that we've all had these conversations, if we're making a legitimate effort at true reconciliation.

I feel the same way that you do, but at the same time I think it's helpful to remind myself that if this was possible for me once it logically follows that it could be possible again - IF I don't actually do anything to address my issues.

Regarding your reasons, I'd get rid of these:

1) I was faithful for over 24 years.
2) I did not initially pursue my affair.

With all respect, to me these don't seem to matter. Whatever the issues were that led you to choose an affair, maybe they didn't arise for many years. Now that they have, though, past history is suspect.

Reason #3 is the key. Keep working on yourself, make sure you're not in the same place that led you to choose the path of an affair. #4 and #5 can help give you the motivation to keep pursuing the work, and hopefully will give you an emergency brake if you do find yourself slipping down the slope at some point in the future.


Me: WH
Her: BW
D-Day June 2013
Working on R

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jan 2014
changedlife
♂ 40394
Member # 40394
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ive often said I would never do it again and made a similar type checklist. I never thought before I cheated that I ever could cheat, I looked down upon people who cheated and thought I was secure and loving enough to not mess up my life.

I was wrong big time. Looking at it now though at least from my perspective your number 3 is the one I need to work on for myself to make sure I find happiness and myself and only my partner. I used to rationalize that I could just love my partner more and the love would sustain us, and I also thought that I could work on my boundaries better to prevent myself from a situation. But those aren't enough.

I need to fix my deep issues, and If I ever slack of or don't keep practicing what I learn and be mindful of it, I could probably be in the same situation again... no matter what boundaries I set, no matter how many times I go to church. I wanted to believe I didn't have issues to work on to find happiness in myself and my partner but I definitely do have some major ones.

[This message edited by changedlife at 8:04 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]


Posts: 42 | Registered: Aug 2013
cdnmommy
♀ 30182
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with PrideFallen that #1 and #2 hold no water whatsoever in terms of being "incapable" of having an affair. Lots of WSs report having been faithful for years and years, and even initially resisting the attention of their AP.

As for the question at hand, could you do it again? I don't want to generalize, but when good people have affairs, it seems to me that it is when they lack skills in coping with certain events or feelings. Some of these issues are deep-rooted, so it is not always a simple matter of learning those skills when you need them. But, once (general) you figure out that you can adapt and change, and stop being afraid of doing so, I think it is totally possible for a former WS to affair-proof themselves. I may never have cheated, but this whole mess has forced me to grow also, and I do believe I am far less likely to have an affair than I ever was in the past, and not just because I know how much it hurts (and, let's face it, in the early stages I questioned whether an A would even hurt my WS, so I didn't have that constraint.)

None of this is likely to seem possible to your BS. Your DDay is very recent. But hopefully with time and effort on both of your parts she will be able to feel that you have made enough headway that she can have reasonable confidence in your ability to deal with things in a healthy way.

I think that, at this point, you are fighting a bit of a losing battle by arguing your point. Just my opinion, but I think a better approach would be, "I don't expect you to trust that I am no longer capable of having an affair, but I promise you that I am working hard to understand how I let myself do this. I want to be absolutely sure that I will never do this to us again." I know initially I was totally incredulous when my FWH said "never again."


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1766 | Registered: Nov 2010
2B1again
♂ 40703
Member # 40703
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I don't expect you to trust that I am no longer capable of having an affair, but I promise you that I am working hard to understand how I let myself do this. I want to be absolutely sure that I will never do this to us again."

These words are nearly verbatim of what I have said. I'm glad to hear that they are appropriate.
1) I was faithful for over 24 years.
2) I did not initially pursue my affair.
I do realize that #'s 1 & 2 are weak points - especially #2 It's really stupid and hurtful to think that. Thanks for pointing this out. I do feel that being faithful for over 20 years should mean something- I know I don't get a gold star for almost being faithful but hopefully is helps show that I can be committed to our marriage again.
I never thought before I cheated that I ever could cheat, I looked down upon people who cheated and thought I was secure and loving enough to not mess up my life.

This so is me -- I've got a lot of work to do, and as my wife told me again this morning, I need to do it for myself, not for her and not because of our marriage. I just never realized how messed up I am.


me- WH 51
her-BS 49
DS(26) DD(23)
Married 27 years
LTA 4yrs
DD1 1/2010
False R
DD2 8/2013

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NW US
refuz2bavictim
♀ 27176
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do feel that being faithful for over 20 years should mean something- I know I don't get a gold star for almost being faithful but hopefully is helps show that I can be committed to our marriage again.

My FWH and I have had many conversations about this....just now in fact.

My FWH expressed this kind of thinking. It feels like dangerous thinking to me, and the kind of thinking that leads a person down this path to begin with. I feel this type of thinking, is a combination of minimization and compartmentalization, I also believe it increases the odds of a repeat.


Why? By wasting time trying to glean credit for past "good behavior", my fwh was neglecting the deep work on himself and avoiding the full weight of his guilt/shame. It also indicated he had not accepted that the result of his actions resulted in the complete destruction of the years spent building our marital trust and commitment.
There are things in life that can't be diluted or partitioned or made safe. Keep in mind that the commitment of 24 years ultimately failed. His old commitment wasn't strong enough to withstand the test of time or temptation. References to it, are hollow consolation.

I understand that it may seem that by illustrating a "time" of commitment from the past should somehow seem comforting to a BS, but I believe Its the opposite. At least it was for me.

I believe that example you view as the ability to commit, is reminder of the failure of that commitment. That commitment has been obliterated by the act of infidelity.

If all roads of the past both good and bad led to the A.
There is no comfort in my FWH's references to his past "good behavior". There is no shining example to grasp, because the end result speaks for itself.

The old ways, the old M, old ideas of being committed, do not feel safe in a post A world. I believe that dragging the past belief system into the future, maintains that one is "capable" of a repeat.

I know that I need/needed something entirely new. A new commitment, a new marriage.

I would recommend focusing on building a new safe place for your BS. it is ok to take the lessons from the past, both good and bad, but what has been destroyed by that one act, must be rebuilt entirely. I believe its best to focus on rebuilding something better and stronger.



BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Flatlined123
♀ 35862
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is along the same lines as "once a cheater, always a cheater".

As a BS here's my take on this:
** H was faithful for 19 years,

though he had poor boundaries. We just didn't know what that meant.

I am witness to the complete devastation of her world that she is forced to live, and knowing that I am solely responsible for this.

**H saw me brought to my knees by the knowledge he had an affair and continued with it underground, so how do I trust that what he sees me living with now means anything? As a BS this is a huge thing we struggle with. So try to understand it.

All in all, I think your #3 speaks volumes. Work on yourself and let the changes in you shine.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 692 | Registered: Jun 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) I was faithful for over 24 years.
2) I did not initially pursue my affair.

Were you faithful for 24 years because of circumstance?. How many times over the 24 years did you have the real opportunity to cheat? How many times in that period of time were you pursued and were able to maintain boundaries? How many times have you passed the test?


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2668 | Registered: Aug 2012
sinsof thefather
♀ 29295
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm curious about how your wife reacted to your first D-Day?
4) I am witness to the complete devastation of her world that she is forced to live, and knowing that I am solely responsible for this.
5) I could nver put the woman I love more than life through anything like this again.
If 4 & 5 were going to work, why did 4 and 5 not work that first time? Are you in personal counseling now? Or did you have any IC counseling since that first D-Day? Ultimately I think the path that would help you the most in preventing this from happening again would be in you working hard now to understand why you did this in the first place and why that first D-Day didn't stop the affair. I definitely do not think 'once a cheater always a cheater' - but I do think you need to do the work to understand - and work to change - (if you are not already) whatever it was within you that allowed you to choose to have an affair in the first place before you can expect to build much trust or try to make guarantees to your wife.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
salty_lt2
♂ 33744
Member # 33744
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3) I will continue to do everything I can to work on myself to ensure that I understand the why's and how's.

As others have stated, this is pretty much the only thing that will make it less likely that you will engage in infidelity again.

You absolutely know what you are capable of now. In fact, we are ALL capable of having an affair, it's just whether or not we choose to listen to/ignore our moral compass.

Words like "always" and "never" shouldn't be in your vocabulary anymore. Indeed, while I was cheating on my own BW, I was telling her that I could "never cheat on you." These days, I tell my BW that I will keep doing the work on myself to make it much less likely that I'll ever cheat on her again. It doesn't help that much for her to hear that, but it's the real truth. Speaking in absolutes is dangerous- always saying "never" will likely make you less sensitive to recognizing the yellow, orange, and red flags that should pop up in your mind regarding your personal boundaries and interaction behaviors with others. You'll be far more willing to engage in questionable behaviors if you keep telling yourself, "Oh, it'll NEVER happen again." IMHO, of course.

Try to use the remorse, but not so much the guilt, to keep bettering yourself. You need to try to become a better person for YOU before becoming a better person for your BW. Arguing about why you will/won't have another affair with your BW isn't going to get you anywhere- you're not going to "win," if that's what you're trying to do. NOTHING you say could ever convince your BW that you couldn't do it again, especially after years of false R. Time to convince your BW (and yourself!) with your actions, not words.

Keep working!


Posts: 33 | Registered: Oct 2011
Yakamishi
♂ 38230
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In regards to #4&5...

Ok, so now that you've seen the devastation, you'd never put her through that, huh?

Well, i gotta ask, what DID you expect the results would be the first time?

My WW had often expressed the same "promise". But i remind her that i told her I'd divorce her should she even "talk" to the other man. Yet she had a PA. So risking divorce and losing your family is worth it, but not the "devastation"?


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
2B1again
♂ 40703
Member # 40703
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand that my affair has caused "complete destruction" to our marriage and it clearly displays that I did not keep my vows to her. I also understand that my marriage of 27 years is hanging by a thread because of my lies and deception during four of those years - yes my commitment ended in failure. I clearly have some of the Wayward thinking that does compartmentalize some of the aspects of my betrayal. I look at what I did for four years and view it in-part as an isolated incident. I know, I absolutely know that my affair was not and never was an entity of it own - it affected, rather infected every part of my life, something that I am finally coming to realize. What I am trying to say is that to understand why and how (and this answer lies within me) you also must look at the big picture, the whole devastating mess that I created. I am not trying to blame-shift or minimize but rather trying to fully understand all of the reasons both internal and external. This does not imply that I am not taking responsibility and it also does not mean that I am assigning accountability to an external reason. To me, I am considering everything that I felt at the time of my affair. Knowing now that my thought process and boundaries were completely warped during my affair. I feel it is important to understand the external reasons (without using them as excuses) as it is to understand the internal reasons- which I believe are the real and true reasons.
Were you faithful for 24 years because of circumstance?. How many times over the 24 years did you have the real opportunity to cheat? How many times in that period of time were you pursued and were able to maintain boundaries? How many times have you passed the test?
Chico, I did have opportunity many times and passed the test many times, but interestingly you used the word "pursued" this was the only time I was pursued and I failed miserably. The COW told me later that she had tried to "get me" a year earlier. I understand now that my boundaries were changing, because as my interest in her grew my satisfaction diminished with my wife. This is truly one of the saddest parts - If only I would have truly understood this and talked to my wife when this was happening....
I'm curious about how your wife reacted to your first D-Day? If 4 & 5 were going to work, why did 4 and 5 not work that first time? Are you in personal counseling now? Or did you have any IC counseling since that first D-Day?

SotF, I lied to her on the first DD - I told her it was a ONS when in fact it had lasted about 5 weeks. My wife left for a few days She believed me, she still trusted me. She told me that I needed to have NC and change my job- both of which I did not do. We went to counseling - I lied there too. I quit going. Still she trusted me and I deceived her. 4 & 5 did not work because (the list is long) I was a liar first and foremost. Secondly I was completely arrogant and self centered, I thought I could be the COW's "friend" and my boundaries were so incredibly messed up that I allowed myself permission to go back to COW over a year later after the first 5 weeks and then a year later after that. We are now doing MC and IC and reading lot, and everyone out there is so helpful. There are so many regrets...
Words like "always" and "never" shouldn't be in your vocabulary anymore

Salty, Yes, I have read this and my wife has said this to me. I use the absolutes as a mantra of sorts. I feel that I believe this to be true for myself. I don't expect anyone to believe anything I say at this point of my life but I personally need to believe in myself and have to try to have the personal integrity to believe that I can be honest.
So risking divorce and losing your family is worth it, but not the "devastation"?

Yakamishi, Like so many stories I have read here on SI, and as untrue or unbelievable as it seems, during the affair the consequences did not factor in - at all. Sure, there was a moment, a very fleeting moment now and then (maybe). It is the lack of thinking about the consequences of these horrendous actions that allowed me to do what I did - this is a "why". And this is yet another example of the real work I need to do to understand the "how". Why-because I didn't really consider the consequences. How- arrogance, self-centeredness, lack of boundries....as I said the list is long and the introspection it will take to discover the true reason behind each attribute(?) will take the rest of my life.


me- WH 51
her-BS 49
DS(26) DD(23)
Married 27 years
LTA 4yrs
DD1 1/2010
False R
DD2 8/2013

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NW US
Shayna71
♀ 42105
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unlike the others who have answered, I DO think that 24 years of being faithful counts for something. My husband said something similar to me about our 20 years together. My trust in him was total. I told him that THIS is what those 20 years were worth - they were worth me giving you another chance after the horrifying thing you just did. He was a wonderful husband all those 20 years. If he had NOT been, I wouldn't be willing to go through this pain. I would have been done. So it DID count for something. I also told him that it took ALL the credit he had built up in that time to get the second chance, so now he has nothing. He has to start from ground zero. I'm glad you are working to discover how YOU can change. I would have bet my life that my husband would never cheat no me. Now I know that that kind of confidence and trust is really not a good idea. It leads to weak boundaries and vulnerability. I will never be 100% confident again, but at some point I hope to be comfortable again, and able to have trust in him.


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ 26157
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is the lack of thinking about the consequences of these horrendous actions

And I think this is why it could happen again. Because when the dust settles, and the threat of your spouse leaving is not "in your face", will this still be a part of your personality? Some people just do not think things through completely before acting and it pervades many of their behaviors. If that is part of your personality, then, in my opinion, yes, it could happen again.

As an aside - as a BS - I would want to see that coping mechanisms for stress and that communication skills were also addressed.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2169 | Registered: Nov 2009
numb&dumb
♂ 28542
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really believe that anyone could cheat under the right circumstances.

That being said, the path to empathy for a BS sometimes leads us there. Understanding (not excusing) how our WS betrayed us.

One word of caution, earlier on the "I will never cheat again," diatribe can backfire. The promise was already made once and by adding "again," to that statement just reminds the BS it wouldn't be "safe," to take those words at face value again.

To survive a lot of BS have to adopt a "hope for the best, plan for the worst," approach. If your BS is doing that you would be best served to support her in that and allow her to make any plans for when the worst comes.


Is she really at risk? Am I capable of committing this type of atrocious act again? What I have done is so reprehensible I just can't understand how I could repeat it.

In my opinion Yes to both of the fist questions. Did you not find cheating on your W reprehensible before ? If you did then your W has a valid point. She is really asking you what has changed ? On some level you knew this was possible outcome and it was wrong. What is different this time ? Work on that and sharing with your BS.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2570 | Registered: May 2010
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my opinion Yes to both of the fist questions. Did you not find cheating on your W reprehensible before ? If you did then your W has a valid point. She is really asking you what has changed ? On some level you knew this was possible outcome and it was wrong. What is different this time ? Work on that and sharing with your BS.

This.

I mean, I can not ever trust my husband 100% again. Why? *BECAUSE* I know what he is capable of. Everyone is capable, it comes down to if you make the right or wrong choices, and if you do the work on yourself to be a better person.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
pointofnoreturn
♀ 41034
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this eats up BBF more than anything. I want to comfort him and say "No! Never again!" But it'd be followed up with, "Yeah, you said that the LAST time."

I'm scared, yet angry at what I was capable of. I'd like to think that if I'm ever in that situation again, I'd be able to handle this so much differently. The first A was rugswept...so my issues haven't been dealt with until now.

In a weird way, I've become numb to this. It is what it is. While I'd love to have my BBF be able to trust as believe me when I say never again, I can't force him. All I can do is stick to strict fidelity from this point on.

This is yet another consequence. Oh well.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
refuz2bavictim
♀ 27176
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knowing now that my thought process and boundaries were completely warped during my affair.

Part of the work is also digging into the time before the A. The warped thinking and poor boundaries exhibited during the A, are often patterns that developed long before.

I completely agree that looking at the big picture is a must.

look at what I did for four years and view it in-part as an isolated incident. I know, I absolutely know that my affair was not and never was an entity of it own - it affected, rather infected every part of my life, something that I am finally coming to realize.

The A doesn't cause the poor boundaries and faulty thinking, that happens first. And those things were happening somewhere along the way, somewhere within the faithful years.


I hope you understand that my previous post was not written to make you "feel" bad about what I referred to an ultimate failure.
I was hoping you might see how what you view as a positive can be viewed as the exact opposite by a BS and why.

As a point of contention it's just not worth it. Is it possible for you to accept her view of the A?

Can you see how even using those as reasons, can cause a BS to feel even less secure, than if you had not referenced them at all?

Part of this process is trying to understand your partner and empathize with where they are, and to push ourselves to look at the ideas that make us uncomfortable.

With that, I wish you well and will leave you in the wise, caring hands of those who have travelled this journey.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
somethingremorse
♂ 42047
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so now that you've seen the devastation, you'd never put her through that, huh?

Well, i gotta ask, what DID you expect the results would be the first time?

This is a subject we have discussed in MC and IC a lot. I might be opening up myself to a beating, but I honestly had no idea what the damage that I caused would look like. I could say that BW would be "devastated" but that was somewhat hypothetical. I had no idea what that would actually look like, and how much it killed me to see her in that much pain. It should have been motivation to keep me from starting my A. After going through it, I am going to remember the pain vividly.

The work on myself is the main idea that I and my Cs point to in answering this question. But the scars of this miserable time are a factor, too.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 741 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
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