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Is this a red flag?

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hurtbs posted 1/18/2014 18:24 PM

I'm going on date number two with a guy on Sunday. We met on Match. Hard to gauge him. We text a couple of times, but nothing excessive (maybe 2 or 3 times over the course of a few days). First date was last Tuesday, next date is Sunday. He's an attorney, 39 years old. He told me that he has never had a relationship longer than five months - and that the five month relationship was really hard (as he said, he gave it the ol' "college try"). He says that he has very high standards. When he says what those are, they don't sound unreasonable - being treated with respect, not lying, etc. So all reasonable sounding stuff. But I mean... 39 years old without any semblance of a long term relationship?

[This message edited by hurtbs at 6:24 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

Nature_Girl posted 1/18/2014 18:37 PM

Giant f-ing red flag.

Lilypad posted 1/18/2014 18:37 PM

He says that he has very high standards. When he says what those are, they don't sound unreasonable - being treated with respect, not lying, etc. So all reasonable sounding stuff.

Whenever anyone says high standards to me it always seems reasonable then all of sudden they start adding things that are impossible for anyone to attain. It could be why he can't stay in a long term relationship. In a way it is his out. He ends up having standards that no one can live up to and he knows it.

[This message edited by Lilypad at 6:37 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

hurtbs posted 1/18/2014 18:40 PM

@Lily - yeah, that's what I'm thinking as well. It's easy to say things like "I won't tolerate being lied to." turns into "You said that car was a 2010, it's a 2009! It's over!!!" He's not love-bombing or doing other weird stuff... I'll just proceed with caution.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 6:41 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

phmh posted 1/18/2014 18:47 PM

I'd say it's more yellow flag (proceed with caution) than red flag.

Lilypad posted 1/18/2014 18:48 PM

I think it is good to go ahead with caution.

I can relate to the trying to find an out. I have never had really long term relationship and I am 48. I have only had one that lasted 3 years and I only stayed cause it was easier to stay than to leave.

Most of my previous ones never lasted more than 7 months. And I could find reasons to get out of it and they weren't my fault. It was always their fault or some flaw they had.

I give kudos to everyone getting back out there, for me, I just can't be bothered at this time. Too much baggage I still need to deal with and even dating is the last thing on my mind!

absolut posted 1/18/2014 18:57 PM

oh yikes.... just be cautious, but I suppose that goes for anybody.
I find 5 months to be an incredibly short span of time for the longest relationship. That's basically just a fling!!!

I also see a lack of introspection as being a bad thing. Personally, I know I've made several errors, even if the men in my life have too. So when I meet a man who thinks he just hasn't met the one, or a bunch of bad stuff happened to him... not so good.

justabrokendream posted 1/18/2014 18:59 PM

to me not a yellow but a flaming big red flag - no relationship > 5 months in his life? Holy Cow.....

[This message edited by justabrokendream at 7:00 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

Williesmom posted 1/18/2014 19:01 PM

He reminds me of Jerry Seinfled. He found something wrong with every person - that issue became his deal breaker.

I have a friend that's like this. 43 years old, never married. He says that he has "commitment issues". I'll say.

risingfromashes posted 1/18/2014 19:05 PM

Sorry to be negative but to answer your question.. YES!
Do you really want to work really hard only to have him say he is just not ready to commit?

hurtbs posted 1/18/2014 19:06 PM

See here's the thing, we had a drink for about an hour... hour and a half tops. We touched on this, but no details or anything. I don't know if he has done any introspection, gone to therapy, or whatever any of these other reasons are yet... I guess that's the point of date number 2?

I don't feel a huge spark for this guy, so I think if after tomorrow nothing jibes, I'm just gonna pass.

@rising - Umm.... I'm going on date #2. Why do you conisder that working really hard?

[This message edited by hurtbs at 7:09 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

risingfromashes posted 1/18/2014 19:09 PM

Just do not settle!! You are worth so much more!

risingfromashes posted 1/18/2014 19:10 PM

Trying hard to make him into someone worth your time

hurtbs posted 1/18/2014 19:12 PM

@rising - I haven't remotely done that. I agreed to meet him for a second drink. He hasn't done or said anything inappropriate, rude, or disrespectful to me.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 7:14 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

Brandon808 posted 1/18/2014 19:15 PM


Nothing over 5 months ever?

No, no, no, no, no.


littlefoggy posted 1/18/2014 19:28 PM

Proceed with caution...

If nothing else, at least you won't waste more than 5 months on the guy.

hurtbs posted 1/18/2014 19:36 PM

You know what else it is? I'm just not feeling it... I'm not really excited about meeting this guy again. I didn't have a bad time with him... My friend (trained therapist/social worker) has been encouraging me to give people multiple chances (a couple of dates here or there before declining) - I've been kind of "flat" when dating since my last breakup. So maybe I'm trying to find *reasons* not to go on a second date with this guy... or maybe I'm genuinely not feeling it... or maybe he's got some serious issues that I'm vibing.

I think I'll sleep on this one. If I'm still not feeling it in the morning, then I'll cancel it.

Amazonia posted 1/18/2014 20:56 PM

I don't see a lack of relationship history as a red flag as much as his reasons behind it. If you choose to see him again, I would focus on the why when it comes up. It he is like Jerry Seinfeld, like WM said, that would be a turn off.

But some people have just focused elsewhere - I know a great guy in his 40s who was military for a while and then when he came home to settle down, just never really clicked with anyone, and now women won't date the poor guy just because he wasn't willing to settle to just be with SOMEONE when he had the chance.

Brandon808 posted 1/18/2014 21:35 PM

Let me be more specific than just "Ruuuuunnnn!" (and I do stand behind that still)

I am an introvert. I stink at breaking the ice and given my reasons for being on SI I clearly do not have a very good picker. I have had relationships that lasted more than 5 months.

Now if he had said that he hasn't any relationship since college or something like that then maybe I'd say that's not a big deal. Dating when you're in college is easier to make it last at least a few months because you've got the whole college experience in common. Even if your majors are different you're still dealing with the same stresses. Life is about what it will become and less about what it is at the moment. Once you're out in the real world things change.

hurtbs posted 1/19/2014 08:00 AM

@brandon - that's interesting, because I didn't have boyfriends in college. It was when I got into the real world...
I don't remember if it was college or law school that he had the 5 month girlfriend. But that was still 15+ years ago.

I'm going to cancel. Not only am I not looking forward to it, I'm kind of dreading it. So I feel like it doesn't matter 1 either my internal alarm is screeching or I'm really not into him. Either way, going to cancel with his guy. I have some other options so I'm not desperate. I have a second date with a real estate developer that seems very nice and a first coffee date with someone else in the future.

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