Memory is a mean tricky beast, and I hate it.
I spent hours, days, weeks, trying to come up with the main timeframe for my As. They were all over the course of 2 years, 2012 and 2013. When we went for disclosure with our counselor I gave the information I had. I gave the disclaimer that I wasn't sure it was correct, but that it was what I had found.
Since then BH has continued the information collection. He has recovered all of the data he can from my phone, facebook, I assume e-mail and god knows what else. Apparently I am wrong. I don't have a freaking clue what the timeline was, what I said, or when I did what. Yesterday in MC I found myself crying and yelling that what he was telling me just isn't possible. Our counselor interjected at that point, but I still don't see how it's possible.
I feel like I'm going crazy. How can I not know? How is it possible that my memory is SO wrong? Is it there just buried? How do I remember it?
Don't get me wrong. I remember a lot. What I do remember I have shared. The truth is, I told so many lies. Everything about cheating goes against my values, and my core beliefs. I know that I lied to myself the most. And what I do remember is so awful, so terrible, so bad. I get physically ill when I think about it.
What do I do? Where do I go from here? How can I help my husband heal if I can't remember and can't tell him what happened?
Is there any hope?