"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

TryingToReboot posted 1/18/2014 21:53 PM

Hello everybody. I've been on this site for at least a month now, reading every post and searching for answers. I decided to post tonight because I'm looking for some direction. My story is long, but I really don't have the energy. I've read the "healing library" and about every post out here.

My WW has been in an affair since the end of November. She leaves every weekend, drives 175 mile s and stays with the AP. Ww wife and I live in the same house, but are saparated. I'm trying to move on with my life by staying busy and aovoiding her. Going to divorce care classes.

We have been together 7 plus years and married 3-1/2. No kids together, but I do have 4 from a previous marriage.

I'm practicing the 180 as best I can. Currently I stay downstairs and her upstairs. We barely talk and she shows no interest in me. Earily on I took what money was mine and opened a saparate bank account. She has a little dog and leaves it with me when she takes off for the weekends. I plan to start charging her for boarding on weekends. Pretty petty, huh? But there not much else I can do. I keep looking for signs of her breaking up with the AP and coming back to our marriage, but see none. I'd like some advice on how to turn this situation around and repair the marriage. I know it's not up to me, it's all on her. How do I get her to see me again?

ok2014 posted 1/18/2014 23:07 PM

Wish I could help but I am in the same boat with you unfortunatelly I have two teenagers ..... My WH just made it official tonight that he chose the OW... hang in there!

scarednbroken posted 1/18/2014 23:12 PM

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do if she is not interested in R. Take care of you. Get out and do something you want to do and let her see you can be happy without her.

I agree. Either the fur baby goes with her or you charge or she can kennel. Seriously. Not your responsibility. I'd do it. It isn't petty.

Daddo posted 1/18/2014 23:36 PM

There is little more you can do.

You should kick her out - it may help clear the fog. Do you have children?

Is the other dickhead married? Does he have children?

At some point she will realize that a relationship built on lies and on hurting the person who loves her the most can't work. But you can't tell her that - she won't hear you.

I'm so sorry for you.

[This message edited by Daddo at 11:37 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

Brandon808 posted 1/19/2014 01:18 AM

How do I get her to see me again?

You don't.
Sorry, but that's the truth. She isn't showing the slightest sign of being interested in R at all. From what you've described she won't either.

I feel for you. I was there myself. I did the 180 on my gf of 5 years before I knew what the 180 was. We lived together 4 of those years. The 180 didn't do anything to change her mind and it wasn't supposed to. It was to help me detach and heal. I get the sense that you're hoping the 180 will effect her. You need to stop expecting anything from her at all. Focus on you. You have your children and your own life.

I plan to start charging her for boarding on weekends. Pretty petty, huh?

Just let her know she has to board the dog. Period. No discussion. You're not her dogwatcher. You're her husband and if she doesn't want to be in the M anymore then she doesn't get to enjoy your support. I agree with Daddo, get her out of the house. You have kids from a previous M so you're the custodial parent. The courts will side for the kids which means the house stays with them and you. Get her out of there...like yesterday.

TryingToReboot posted 1/19/2014 04:48 AM

From what I've read the affair is like an exit affair where it was flanted in may face when it started. I guess I was suppose to file as a emotional reaction, but I haven't. She keeps saying the marrage is over and that she is going to file but she hasn't either, yet. The other day she said that if I wasn't going to take care of the dog then she'd just have her "friend" visit here for the weekends instead. I'm planning on charging her for weekend boarding of the dog. I have been trying to "move on" by building a support group from past friends who I haven't seen in years and becoming active in "meetup". But I can't get her out of my head. I've asked her to leave the house, she refuses. She considers the home hers eventhought I've lived here since 1995. Note though I did sell her the house just before we got married (long story) and it is in her name. I don't want to and am unwilling to leave! I find myself hoping the affair will end and even find way to think it is ending. But I'm just fooling myself. My problem is that I'm a pleaser and I agree with what ever she says, almost automatically only to later realize what I've done and do the opposite. I need to "grow my balls back". I've been taking my showers and getting dressed in the master bedroom. Today, I'm going to move my cloths downstairs and begin living a completely saparate life from her.

She seems very unhappy during the week and then leaves on the weekends. I don't want to give up, but I know the very best think I can do is give up. I am doing the 180 by staying away as much as I can when she's here and not talking to her when were here together. She is a very stubborn person and in my opinion narcissistic. I'm doing a lot of little things that piss her off and take away her control. But i really don't confront her or argue. Execpt once where it ended in nothing but namecalling and hurtful comments. I can't believe that I even want this marriage to work out she has turned in to such an unbelievable bitch! I don't know what I'm trying to hang on to.

I'm not going to file right now so please don't tell me too. And I'm not going to move out! What I need is a strategy to kick her off the fence and/or out of the fog.

doggiediva posted 1/19/2014 13:49 PM

The best you can do given that you don't want to move out or file is to lead a life separate from hers..

This will help whether or not you have hope for R..

Shore up your support network.. Put yourself in a position where you have stuff to do, people to see on your own, without WW..

Your goal is to thrive living on your own without WW..

Please, please do protect yourself financially and with any custody issues, if you have any..

Your WW may pull more rugs out from under your feet.. She may try to spend all of the marital savings, get you in trouble/kicked out of the house on false DV charges, etc, etc...

At least being forewarned and protected can help..

I am in similar situation ( in house separation)..My WH is un remorseful, no hope of R..

If a time comes when you decide that you are done and R is not possible anymore, I have a few helpful hints below...

Even though I would love to be in a decent position to file for D NOW, if I filed today it would be extremely poor timing and hurt me in the long run..

So living a separate life without taking WH's preferences, schedule, etc, is what is saving my sanity..

I know I risk the possibility of being 1/2 responsible if WH accumulates charges on his credit cards..

Filing for D would stop the bleeding in this respect..But all credit cards are in his name only.....

My WH knows that there is no hope for R but I haven't asked for a divorce to happen within a particular time frame..

I am waiting for my status (financial, employability) to change..I have also been waiting for WH's status to change, which it did this past week..

WH is now employed as of a week ago..This is the first time he has held a job in two years..

We have been married 37 years..

So be mindful of how much time you want to stay in the same house with WW when there is no hope for R..

Be wary of timing and its impact on you if/when you file for divorce.. Keep this timing in mind..

Don't let your WW know of your intention to divorce her until you have finances and living situation figured out and protected..

This has been my way of doing things, because I am anticipating that my WH will go BALLISTIC and off the rails when he finally gets served..

Sending you strength

[This message edited by doggiediva at 2:08 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]

Getting to Happy posted 1/19/2014 14:37 PM

I'm so sorry that you are married to a sociopathic bitch!

The marriage is dead. Let it go. File and soon. Seriously. And please don't leave the master bedroom.

Put her crap downstairs...or better yet when she leaves the next time, change or add a new lock to the house! And throw he crap on the curb.

Time for the 180!!!

Your right, you are going to have to find your balls. There right there where you left them. You will just have to get hot and angry enough to let them drop down!!!

Keep posting, we are here for you.

TryingToReboot posted 1/19/2014 15:07 PM

Thanks for all of the advice. I did some smart moves back in December. I cashed out our joint account taking my money from the home sale and about 40% of our joint checking account. Opened my own accounts and got a credit card in my name only. Actually, I did move out for about a day, but was advised to stay in the home so I moved back. I've been building my support group and have been keeping pretty busy. Like yesterday I went cross-country skiing with a group of people and that was a great time. I've already move into the downstairs and am glad to be out of the master bedroom. I can now come and go as I please without even seeing the bitch.

I'm not going to file just yet, because all it will do is vindicate her in her own mind. I have contacted a lawyer and am prepared to defend myself as necessary (when necessary).

Now, it is time for me to focus on becoming the best I can be, to heal and move ahead. And moving ahead means to wait it out for a little while, while I figure out the next step. Time is on my side right now, the toughest part is getting her out of my head. What I mean by that is to stop thinking about what she's doing or where she might be. Instead I have to focus on making me happy for a change. I read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy and could really relate. I going to use this situation to grow and learn not be be such a sucker. I ging to use my situation to become asertive and determined. I finding that the more I do the smaller WW becomes. Yes, this situation sucks, but there is grow here for me. The growth I talking about I must go through. I will keep posting and keep you informed of WW behavior as time progresses.

Believe me I feel the pain, every moment of everyday. But I've learned my pain is normal, to be embraced and is all part of the healing process.

sisoon posted 1/19/2014 15:23 PM

I'm very sorry for your pain.

What I need is a strategy to kick her off the fence and/or out of the fog.

As gently as possible, if you think that's possible, you haven't understood what you've read here. You can't control her.

The strategy that's most likely to pay off for you is

Don’t
Even
Think
About
Changing
Her

I don't think you've understood where your W's head is. She's trying to force you to file.

As I read this thread, I can't help thinking you're in denial, and I wish you weren't.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:23 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]

TryingToReboot posted 1/19/2014 17:17 PM

@sisoon

Thank you, especially for DETACH (don't even think about changing her). This I must do. Also, you are right, she is trying to force me into filing. My filing would vindicate her behavior which is one of the reasons I am not! I've been doing everything she wanted me to for years. It's cost me tens of thousands of dollars, legal custody of my kids, all of the assets I own and now a broken heart. I tired of doing what she wants! It's time for me to do what's right for me. I'm not ready to file, I'm not strong enough to demand what I want yet. I do have a lawyer lined up for when she files, but for now I must heal. I have nothing to loose by waiting and everything to gain.

You are also right, I am in some kind of denial, but I recongize this marriage is over! I don't want her back the way it was and I can't trust her enough to want her back any other way. She is broken, coming for a long history of infidelity in previous marriages when she has been the WW. And now she's playing the same game with me. Her issues! Her problems!

But I am broken too, e.g. Mr. Nice Guy for far too many years. It's time for me to repair (reboot if you will).

Why do we, all of us BS, have to put up with the crap our WS has to serve us? Why do we have to roll over and die? Or live in pain for years, because our WS delivered us their problems. I don't believe we do, instead we can shove their crap right back in their face. And the only way I can see how to do that is to be strong, be better. If the day should come where my WS wants back because she finally sees the man I've become well, I plan to have moved on with no desire to allow another Pod in my life. The hell with her, she'll feel her misery some day.

sisoon posted 1/19/2014 19:10 PM

My filing would vindicate her behavior which is one of the reasons I am not! ...I tired of doing what she wants!

A suggestion - ignore what you think she does or does not want, and go for what you want and need. If the best thing for you is to prepare for D, that's what you ought to do, even if that's what she wants you to do.

Don't hurt yourself because what she wants you adds up to being good to yourself.

TryingToReboot posted 1/19/2014 20:35 PM

Wise words....... I know that is a major part of what I'm struggling with, deciding what I want and doing what's best for me. My heart is telling me I want my wife back and my head is telling me I don't. She just isn't the kind of person I want or need in my life. I know this but continue to fight it. Which is another reason why I'm not ready to pursue divorce, I don't know for sure what it is that I want.

The best thing for me to do, as you've said, is to prepare for divorce and I think I'm doing that at least financially. Emotionally now, that's a bit different. Because of my confusion and tendency to act first and think later, I'm putting the breaks on. Instead I've set a date, for when I will make some longterm decisions. Until then I have to focus on me and regain my emotional health. Between now and then I am practicing the 180. It's more difficult to have no contact with us both in the same house however and I am been civil in a limited capacity.

On another note WW came home tonight, and it hurts because I know where she's been. I have to laugh however, she no soon got home and settled in for our next long coming week of hell when she had to pack a leave again. She said something came up, I suspect the AP has had some car trouble and she now has to drive the 175 mile to solve his problem. Of course I'm just guessing here, but something unusual has definitely has happen. WW didn't appear to be real happy about leaving..... May the karma bus continue to strike.

gonnabe2016 posted 1/19/2014 21:58 PM

Dude. She's not going to file for divorce, no matter how many times she tells you that she sees the marriage as *over*. You're making it too easy on her -- she's having her cake and eating it too. Why would she upset the apple cart?

Don't charge her a *boarding fee* for the dog. Next time she leaves without the dog, take the dog and drop it off at a boarding place. Text her and tell her that *something came up* and her dog is at <abc boarding> and she needs to pick it up when she returns.

Duskpearl posted 1/20/2014 05:39 AM

I can't believe the similarities in our situation, even the timing of the affair. We were over less than 2 weeks before we celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary in NY! My WH never stood up to me & let me call all the shots, housework, paying bills & decorating the house, where we went on holiday - EVERYTHING! The only thing he had to worry about was what to watch on tv!
My H also left his dog (mothers) & cat for me to take care of while he was out in fantasy land & just assumed I would take care of them! This lasted a month, then I demanded he move all his stuff out, including his Harley as I was over him coming & going to get the bike & show off to the OW/ she bloke.

I've also been holding out hope that he will come back. But in all seriousness I don't think I could get over the betrayal & I know I could never trust him again. There is so much out there on couples who reconcile after affairs & have a much stronger relationship that I think it is giving us false hope.

Ironically, my H never stood up to me & would avoid conflict at all costs "what man doesn't avoid conflict" he says...
Anyway, his mother was very domineering & I think he was used to the woman taking the lead. So you can guess how shocked I was when I found out! He was so level headed & sensible.

Like you my heart is overruling my head! And I know he is not worthy but it does not stop the pain. I find that with each day that passes & I do not see him & focus on his lies & deceit I get stronger. I am not crying as often. And I'm realizing that I am better off without him & it's the rejection & fear of the unknown future that is the most daunting.

The other thing that annoys me is that our partners are out there without a care in the world & enjoying their fantasy lives at the expense of our broken lonely hearts

Clearly, I need to focus more on the 180 myself & less on him.

You seem to be coping much better since your first post! Keep up the strength. As Bob H says "this will pass"

Daddo posted 1/22/2014 12:13 PM

It doesn't matter who files first - if the marriage is over, and it is, just get it over with. The question of who it vindicates is meaningless.

Being in that house while she is off with the WS is harmful for your emotional health. You can't heal while that is happening.

You can't fix her, you have to fix yourself.

That said, it would be sweet if you got a GF and had her visit while your WS was away. Childish perhaps, but....

sisoon posted 1/22/2014 16:42 PM

Absolutely do not get a GF until you D.

1) that constitutes a retreat from the high ground and gives your WS lots of ammunition against you. It brings in another big issue between you tat takes away from the A. In a D action, it puts you on your W's level.

2) I get the desire for a revenge A, but if you want to keep your self-respect, you need tp control your desires, especially the ones that dump you into the same shit your W is in.

3) You're wounded badly, too wounded to be able to keep someone good around. You're lousy relationship material right now, so what you'll get is a lousy relationship.

TryingToReboot posted 1/22/2014 19:38 PM

I agree, I not ready for a GF or another relationship. Regrading staying in the home, the weekends are the best part. She's not here and I have peace. It's during the week that's most difficult! I'm practicing 180 and NC and so is she. The major issue is that she rubbing the AP in my face. For example, tonight I came home after spending the evening with my kids and she in the livingroom talking to AP on the phone. I asked her a question and we had a brief exchange of words, then she tells AP she's talking to idiot. Well that really pissed me off because that's what she use to call her exhusband. So I called her a few names and slammed the door and left. Well I came back and she's still talking t the A-hole. I'm ready to go up there and sit right next to her.......

TryingToReboot posted 1/22/2014 19:57 PM

Well I did it, I went up there and sat down, I said, we need to talk. She said she's on the phone. I said, you need to hang up...... Basically it ended with her going to the bedroom and telling me to FO..... More to come, the B came down stairs while talking the AP. She put him on speakerphone and he's a real ass....... anyway, I'm pissed!!

TryingToReboot posted 1/22/2014 19:57 PM

Well I did it, I went up there and sat down, I said, we need to talk. She said she's on the phone. I said, you need to hang up...... Basically it ended with her going to the bedroom and telling me to FO..... More to come, the B came down stairs while talking the AP. She put him on speakerphone and he's a real ass....... anyway, I'm pissed!!