I am going to do my best not to be all over the place with this post. Dday one was about a year and four months ago. Much trickle truth to follow. I have always been of the mind that infidelity was an absolute deal breaker so it feels very strange and surreal to say that we have survived this far. I reacted quickly, got in therapy set boundaries including treatment plans for his very clear cut sexual addiction and had a post nup completed as a condition of R. Then I decided to give it one year to see what happened and how he would handle the chance to R. The first six months gave me no hope. Then he shifted. It seemed that he truly began to grasp at recovery. He became very active in his SA television step meetings and regularly attended IC and MC. R began to pick up steam.
At that point, I had set aside many of my hard questions surrounding the whys of the acting out and the ways that he was able to devalue me and our family in order to pursue his addiction. I was waiting for him to get healthy enough and get a handle on simply getting out of his addiction which had lasted the entirety of his life time first. I was also working on getting centered myself again after the huge blow that all of this had struck me with. It had hooked all of my trauma of being a sexual abuse survivor and I needed to stabilize to.
Around the one year mark, I truly felt that it was time we pushed forward to answer some of the hard questions. And right then, the bottom fell out for my husband. His mother died very suddenly and unexpectedly. This was compounded as he was just waking up to the fact that he had isolated from his family for YEARS in order to continue in his addiction without scrutiny or interference. He hadn't seen her in person for over four years and had minimum phone contact. Just before she had died, he began talking to her more and she expressed her pride in his recovery work as his father had been a serial adulterer and suspected sex addict and she carried those scars with her for her entire life. It was heartbreaking to witness his pain.
I supported him through the funeral and going through her things. I supported him while he sifted through his child hood home that was falling to he ground. I supported him while our baby was running around his mom's house and he was grieving that she never got to meet him in person. I did my best to help him shoulder the grief.
At the same time, his 22 year old son who has lived with us and suffers from mental illness really took a turn for the worse. He had been hospitalized three times in the two months before his grandmother's passing and his aggressive and frightening behavior at home ws reaching a breaking point. When we returned from grandmother's funeral, step son was hospitalized again for self injury. When released he had daily outpatient treatment at our home but still got worse. December 18 he took all of his psychiatric meds at the same time. He went into a seizure and my WH and I were trying to keep him alive until the paramedics got there. All four of our younger children, 11,9,6 and 18 months. Witnessed all of this. Step son had blood and foam coming out of his mouth and grand mal seizure for 5 minutes straight. He was on a ventilator for 2 days but survived. He was in a psych ward for 10 days and during that time, he said many unsettling things including that he fantasizes about stabbing his dad in the throat and said " we were afraid he would slit the kids throats in their sleep" and then do the same to us.
We had to make the decision that it was unsafe for him to come home. We got him in a shelter that manages mental illness. I was on the phone supporting step son every day all day. January 9 I went to visit him and bring him paperwork he needed. I talked to him 45 minutes before I got there and he was fine. When I arrived, he had overdosed again. I called 911. He was once again on a ventilator in ICU and very nearly died. He is now back in the psych ward. Step son has made it very clear that he blames his father's acting out, addiction and ultimate abandonment of his mother who died four years later as the reason that he "is the way he is". My WH is suffering under an enormous amount of guilt and regret and torn between keeping younger children safe and trying to meet the needs of his adult son.
I have been working my ass off trying to help him accomplish this goal. I feel great empathy for my WH. I can't imagine what it must be like to wake up and realize the devastation you have caused so many. I imagine that it all feels entirely overwhelming. I can feel the enormity of the loss he is trying to cope with. I said vows for better or for worse and I am now here during the worst.
Still, I am struggling with my own wounds. January 1 and January 17 are the antiversaries of him cheating on me with women he met on Craigslist. The pain is overwhelming. The mind movies are almost intolerable. I have been in crisis mode trying to help him for 3 months and I haven't thought much on my own reality. Now I find myself having trouble believing that we can really overcome such betrayal again. I keep trying to tell myself that it is only because of the proximity of the antiversaries.
Our forward progress in R has been all but halted due to the immediate crisis. He has taken the step to jump start it by booking retrouvaille for next month. I guess I am reaching out now for some support of my own in the meantime. If you have read this far I deeply appreciate it!!! If anyone has experience to share with supporting a WH in crisis during the midst of R, I would truly love to draw on your wisdom as well!
[This message edited by bytheboard at 9:22 AM, January 19th (Sunday)]
BW: sparrow 34
WH: 45 SA(regretswhatidid)
DDays: 9/3/12 ,9/10/12 ,9/12/12 ,10/01/12 ,12/03/12, 2/24/12... quit counting most recent 4/19/17 all pre DDay but no end to TT
3x ONS= 2CL hook-ups,1 on TDY
46 Craigslist Ads, AFF, chatrooms,
4EA w/pas