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Newest Member: BSisRight (61549)

User Topic: Did he love her?
♀ 41901
Member # 41901
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS affair was on and off for over 2 and 1/2 years. He says he did not love her but talked to her weekly and considered her a friend who he would have sex with. I feel like he is lying to me about the extent of his feelings for her. How is it possible to sleep with someone for that long and not have feelings? They both told me it was just sex but my WS did admit she told him she was starting to have feelings and he told her look you know what this is and she never brought it up again.

Me-33 WS-34
Pregnant & 2 year old sweet baby girl
Together 15 years Married 5 years
D-day #1 - 12/25/13 TT D-day #2 - 1/3/13 admitted to 3 year affair with co worker

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ 42120
Member # 42120
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how you feel. My husband had an affair with my bestfriend who he was friends with too. During the affair she told him she was falling in love with him and according to him he told her not to, that she knows that he will never leave me. Eventually, she asked again and she asked him if this was just sex to which he replied eehhh, but told her no and when she said so do you love me he said yes. I asked him why would he do that if its not true and his reply was I didnt want her to get mad and tell you and I didnt want her to go sleeping around and bring back an STD. I know him well enough to know hes telling me the truth but I am mad that he did that. First of you dont say something like that to someone if you dont mean it and second of all I know it just made her more crazy and obsessed. However, I do believe that it was just about sex and maybe that was the case for yours too.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems easier for men to do that then women. From what I've seen women can sometimes embark on an A with a "no strings attached" understanding but eventually want more. Not always, but it seems not uncommon. Men can fall in love, of course, but they can apparently have sex for years with someone with no emotional attachment.

My H claims the same thing, and I believe him. He says she did get demanding eventually as he pulled away, but he thinks it was mainly because she was lonely and desperate, not because she was in love. She did apparently yell now and then that "you're never going to leave your wife" to which he says he always replied, true. (He passed a polygraph).

Sex does tend to make people closer. But a dysfunctional relationship that includes guilt inducing sex, not so much.

Dday -9/23/2012

Posts: 2309 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
♀ 11176
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It all depends on what your WS uses as a definition of "love".

Did he have some type of feelings for her? Sure he did. He cared for her on some level. They were friends, they talked a lot. He enjoyed spending time with her. He obviously enjoyed having sex with her. They fed each other's need for attention.

He probably compartmentalized their sexual relationship apart from his "friend" relationship with her. And he probably thought is was really cool and hip that he had a FWB relationship with her.

Would he want to divorce you and marry her? Ask him. Chances are no, he liked his life with you.

She was just the "strange on the side".


BS: 58
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 7526 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Topic Posts: 4

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