SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

dogg posted 1/19/2014 11:16 AM

Last night my BS started asking me questions about my AP. She asked me what her name was. What she looked like. How old she was. I'm not sure but if my W had a A, I don't think I'd want to know his name or what he looked like. To me it seems like torture to want to know these details. Has anyone else run into this situation? If so how did you handle it?

SurprisinglyOkay posted 1/19/2014 11:20 AM

My Bs knew who my Ap was.

That being said, answer her questions honestly.
She is not you, so don't project what you would want onto her.

PrideFallen posted 1/19/2014 12:27 PM

My BS discovered AP's name before confronting me, but if I have understood her feelings correctly it's really just about knowing. The unknown, filled in by a tortured imagination, is always worse than the known. Once you know, you can process and begin to work through it.

It's tough because I, at least, just wanted to forget details. I didn't want AP in my head at all, let alone at the level of recounting (and thus having to remember) blow-by-blow details of physical acts. Nonetheless, providing whatever information BS needs to heal is critical.

authenticnow posted 1/19/2014 12:40 PM

Agree with the others. You answer whatever she needs to know honestly and kindly. It's not for you to decide what she gets to know.

Prayingforhope posted 1/19/2014 14:14 PM

A lot of BS healing is known to come from the details. Often a LOT of details. My BS started with the name, but by the time we were done with the questioning she knew her shoe size, bra size, cell number, parents hometown, on and on it goes...

The questions and answer session may go on and on and it may flare up as she rides her emotions. Our job (if we want any chance at R) is to answer them honestly and in detail.

Good luck!

authenticnow posted 1/19/2014 14:20 PM

Just a warning...only go into as much detail that she asks for. I remember my BH asking something and I went into detail and he said, "I didn't need to know that much!" and it really hurt him.

It's hard to measure, but do it cautiously (and kindly, like I said before). You don't have to say enthusiastically, "The sex was friggin' awesome!" (if it was), but gently tell her what she asks.

HUFI-PUFI posted 1/19/2014 14:32 PM

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=520091

Slayer posted 1/20/2014 12:38 PM

My BS wants to know everything, but I only admit to what he found out. I know it delays healing but I can't bring myself to do it. I've stopped all contact and am working toward a happy marriage. I am pretty sure karma is about to bite me in the butt though and I also want to know all the details so I understand why he asks

kmom2662 posted 1/20/2014 12:55 PM

Slayer--
Tell him everything. It's a terrible thing to have to do, but he needs to know. I did the same thing; there were things that were so humiliating that I was trying to protect H, and protect myself, but it did terrible damage. I think my H feels that the TT was almost as bad as the A itself. It mad it even harder for him to ever trust me again. Take a deep breath, and tell him.

longroadhome posted 1/20/2014 13:21 PM

Answer the questions she asks. Don't try to tell her she doesn't need to know. This hesitation could cost you. I would go to her asap and ask her if she has any more questions and answer what she asks.