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LostnHurt posted 1/19/2014 11:17 AM

My SO and I are still living together even though he is continuing his affair. He texts with the OP most of the time when he is home. He is cold and distant with me. When I try to talk to him about our situation, he says he doesn't want to talk about it or can't think straight. We have been together for 10 years and I want our relationship to succeed. But I don't know how much longer I can live like this. I have only told a close friend at work. I really want to tell my family for support, but am afraid. I feel like I should go stay with my parents or other family members for a while.

I believe his relationship with the OP is intensifying. The OP is 13 years younger than he is.

I have been trying to 180, but find it hard not to talk to him when we live in the same house and still sleep in the same bed. (no sexual contact in 3 weeks).

What do you suggest? I can't deal with this pain on my own. It's so hard watching an A blossom right before your eyes.

naivegirl posted 1/19/2014 11:35 AM

Is this your place or his, Or do you own it together? If it is your place I would kick him out. If it isn't then I would leave and go somewhere else. Do you have children together? I can't tell you how much better I felt once I kicked my husband out. It is too hard living with them when you are being treated like that. I didn't even know for sure there was an other woman when I kicked him out. I can't imagine how you feel when he does that right in front of you. You deserve so much more.

crazynot posted 1/19/2014 11:41 AM

I know how horrible that is. I was there too. But yes, you have to kick him out or leave yourself. You can't let this happen to you.

TryingToReboot posted 1/19/2014 11:44 AM

OMG I am so there with you. I am stuck in the same home too and have been watching my WW's affair blossom. In my case my WW has been leaving every weekend to stay with her AP. She is constantly flaunting him in front of me with texting and now phone conversation. We no longer sleep in the same room and I have recently moved to another bedroom. I am going for NC and practicing the 180. What I've found is that it's easiest to heal when there is little to no contact. Right now you have to 180 and go for NC. It truely is the only way. I've been doing a lot of soul searching. Trying to understand my feelings where they are coming from and how to deal with them. I'm just starting to relearn how to love myself and am focused on getting back to where I was before I ever meet my WW. I too want to R with WW, but she has no interest. Instead she is finding ways to push my buttons and drag me down to her level. I also have found it important to always show that I am happy when around the WW and not let on to how badly I hurt. You have you believe that the WS and AP are feeding off of the drama they have caused, it is a huge ego boost for them. I have no proof yet, but feel their relationship prospers through my saddness and if I don't play their game it will become rather boring for them soon enough. Once that happens then they'll be face with each other and their dysfunction relationship.

Regardless of them, I have to focus on healing myself, the more I push the WW out of my mind the easier it seems.

My recommendation would be to kick him out of the bedroom or leave yourself. Get away, as far away as you can. Then find youself, love yourself! The feeling are mostly unbearable for now, but they do become bearable and eventually start to fade. This is all about you now, and learning how great you are. I know it is tough, but it is doable.....

LostnHurt posted 1/19/2014 11:48 AM

Did you all tell your family members? My entire family thinks my SO is perfect and love him to pieces.

LostnHurt posted 1/19/2014 11:50 AM

It's his home, so I can't technically kick him out. I am so scared of being alone.

Getting to Happy posted 1/19/2014 12:04 PM

My SO and I are still living together even though he is continuing his affair. He texts with the OP most of the time when he is home. He is cold and distant with me.

That is some cold blooded shit! Don't let this guy disrespect you honey! Hefty bag his shit and put it on the curb. Let his younger 'lurrver' take care of him and launder his poop stained underwear!

To blatantly contact his stupid slut in front of you is cruel and heartless.

Part of why he is being so cruel is because he knows he can get away with it...

Your SO is emotionally harming you, there should be consequences for his sadistic behavior. But as long as you roll over and beg him to stop he will continue. He is showing you what he really thinks of you...Believe HIM!

Draw the line in the sand, make some boundaries!
Find your self respect my dear LostnHurt. Its in there, in your soul. You know this is wrong.

Kick him out of you bed and out of the home.

There is a technique called the 180, you can find it in the Healing Library. Do this to help yourself detach from him.

Do this for YOU.

This can be your first line of defense to protect yourself from your SO who has become a creepy douchebag.

DETACH, this will mentally help you deflect his crappy behavior and begin to think clearly about his abuse and betrayal.

We have been together for 10 years and I want our relationship to succeed.

Clearly, only YOU want the union to succeed. There is no relationship. He is shitting on what is left of it right now! If he pulls his head out of his whores ass, then maybe you can revisit a new relationship but this one is dead. Let it go...protect yourself.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing with your 180.

Sending you strength and clarity.

TryingToReboot posted 1/19/2014 12:08 PM

Right or wrong I told most of my family because I needed their support. I also told my MIL because, I wanted her to know the truth, my were close and she was very supportive. No matter what, you're on for a long and difficult road. I plan to wait for a good 4 to 6 months before I make any longterm decisions. Right now I am too emotional to think straight and have to focus on me, accept my current reality and grow from it. Thr goal is to become bigger and stronger than ever before. To become whole again....

LostnHurt posted 1/19/2014 12:09 PM

Thanks for sharing your insight. I really appreciate it.

Getting to Happy posted 1/19/2014 12:17 PM

It's his home, so I can't technically kick him out. I am so scared of being alone.

Then you will have to haste.

Ditch him.

I know that you don't want to change status quo. But you have to go for your own mental health.

He wants you to go but is too chickenshit to ask. Leave him and don't look back. If you don't have any children with him, then you have dodged a bullet!

You deserve so much more out of life!!

Gently now~
I am not saying leaving will not be painful...yes, you will grieve the relationship BUT you will recover...with your self respect intact. But if his behavior continues, you may not recover from such blatant disrespect and cruelty.

LET HIM GO! He is not worth your time and love.

Duskpearl posted 1/20/2014 04:40 AM

I told my H of 10 years to leave our home after I discovered emails indicating the beginning of a EA with a work colleague. She is also close to 13 years younger than my H & that's all she's got going for her. She is butch looking & has the legs of a footballer & in fact is the female equivalent of my H (i told him so). Funny thing is "they were just friends & it just happened" within days of him leaving & he shacked up with her ever since. He continued to deny the affair until last week when he drove past my sister in law & i as we just discovered where the sloth (OW) lived (facebook photo of her cat on the balcony). He was supposed to be moving in to his mum's property that he inherited but exited our door & entered hers.

Unfortunately for me the NC is not an option at the moment as I demanded he move out the rest of his stuff & not just his clothes as he was coming & going as he pleased to pick up his beloved Harley that I think he purchased at the beginning of his mid life crisis. Poor guy was exhausted as he had to take 3 days of work & has been moving all his crap by himself one car load at a time! Let's see how much spare time & energy he has for the sloth now. He is 43 not 23 like he would like to believe.

I feel I have the upper hand by living in our home as I have all the assets & have pretty much let him know that I will be taking most of it. His mother's place is fully furnished so tough for him. He knows not to mess with me as financially I have him over a barrel - I can go half of his mum's place if I want to get greedy but I don't. I want to go with my dignity & head held high & let karma deal his fate. After losing a parent it really hits home that you leave this world with nothing. I am an accountant who just happens to work in a law firm & I've told him that I am getting free advice so I can take this as far as he wants (I've told no one at work).

Like you my family loved him & could not believe what has happened. They are in total shock & want nothing more to do with him. His mother who passed away 2 years ago would be disgusted in him as his father cheated on the mother. She loved me & my family & I'm sure this would not have happened if she were still alive. Oh & H ex of 6 years cheated on him & he clearly has forgotten the pain of betrayal.

Like you I wanted our 12 year relationship to work but he didn't & he chose the easy option of an affair. What I've learnt on these forums is that you cant change your partner, you can only change yourself. I need to focus on the 180 myself & stop holding out hope that my H will wake up to himself & come back. Even if he did why would I take him back knowing that I could never trust him again. 5 weeks of pining for a coward is enough. It's gotten to the point where my family have banned me from talking about him as he is a drain on everyone's energy.

Stay strong & focus on YOU - as I must do as well

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