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Am I crazy?

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whattobelieve2 posted 1/19/2014 14:38 PM

This may get long, I apologize in advance.

Background, we were married very young, I was 18, he was 19. We had a baby soon after. We were living in poverty, so I started school, he started finding better jobs. Fast forward almost 8 years, I have my nursing degree, he has a great paying job allowing me to stay home and raise our 3 kids. I am also 5 months pregnant. We dug our way out of poverty, own our own home, nice cars, etc. We have had, what I thought a great marriage.

Then he started talking about a woman at work a lot, almost daily. Small things like she got a new car, she lost 70 pounds, she is redoing her floor. Then she went on maternity leave, and while on maternity leave she called work and told him that right after she had her baby, she had a miscarriage. *He says she told him after she came back from work* But I remember it being while she off. This was in May or June. I thought it was strange that a married woman would tell my husband she lost a child.

During this time, they also spent a lot of time texting and liking and commenting to each other on facebook. I think I have seen most of the texts and they were not sexual or really inappropriate, mainly jokes about co workers or talking about work. It still made me uncomfortable, so he said he would stop.

In July, he got a promotion and would be leaving his current job to a different facility. At the end of July, his co workers had a party for him at a bar.

As we got to this party, he started ignoring me almost from the start, choosing instead to talk with co workers that I didn't know, or had only met once, a while ago. I went and sat with the only person I did know so I wouldn't be alone. (I should note, I do have a hard time making small talk and don't like being put in these situations) During the early part of the party, I noticed that his coworker always found her way to sit next to him.

As the evening went on, he and co worker became more and more drunk. People started leaving until it was only co-worker, DH, myself, co-woker's DH, and another co-worker. Then DH and co-worker started flirting. They would go into the bar area for 20-30 minutes at a time together. *he says other co-workers were in there and that's why they went* She would grab his arm and pull him toward her, they were sharing inappropriate, IMO, inside jokes (he would put his hand toward her crotch and hold his fingers up and wiggle them, I guess someone else did that to her at work, and it was a hilarious joke between them). Her husband asked her to leave and she refused. I asked my husband to leave 2 times and he refused. They didn't leave each other's side after this.

Also, I had asked him what he wanted me to wear and he chose a long skirt and shirt and said he thought I looked good in them. So that's what I wore. Then throughout the night he made jokes about my skirt.

Finally he decided he was ready to go home. On the ride home he passed out, then passed out in the yard, he was really drunk.

*His version: They are just friends, like brother and sister and nothing was going on between them. He says he did not flirt with her that night, and they only went to the bar together to talk to other people that were in the bar room. I am very much overreacting about all of this.*

He was set to leave 3 days after the party for a few weeks for training, those 3 days were awful. Full of crying and fighting. He never would admit he did anything wrong.

I was crushed. Heartbroken. I didn't know what to do. We had been trying for a baby for almost 9 months at that point, which was heartbreaking enough. My confidence went to zero. I never ever thought my husband was capable of being that way toward another woman. I know I am insecure, I know I am very overweight, and I know I am not that pretty, but I never doubted his love for me until that night.

So he went away, coming home for the weekends. The last weekend before he was set to come home for good, I got pregnant. (Yes, I know we are stupid to have not used protection during this time, but the baby is on its way, regardless) I tried to forget.

Then I found out him and ex co-worker were texting again. I flipped out, and he blocked her number.

Fast forward to Dec 2013, he has a lump in his testicle. Freaking out, we rushed to the dr, who diagnosed him with epididymitis. Further, he told us it was caused by an STD most of the time. So without running any tests, he started DH on chlamydia protocol. I freaked out and went to get a test ran at urgent care. My results took forever because of the holidays and during the wait, all those feelings came back. My test came back negative. DH wasn't getting any better, so the dr had him get an ultrasound, which didn't show epididymitis at all, but a cyst instead.

Even through that relief, those feelings came back, along with new feelings. Feelings that he isn't attracted to me anymore. I feel like that because he never compliments me, never initiates sex, and just seemed uninterested in me. We talked, he said he didn't know I felt that way and wanted compliments and for him to initiate sex. So he has been trying to do more. This past month, I have tried to have sex with him more, it happens about 4 times a week lately.

So then last night, our daughter was up crying, and I decided to go through his facebook messages. And I found a message that he sent around the same time the co-worker thing was happening to another girl, a girl he went to high school with, but was a year or two younger, telling her he got a promotion and how much more he would be making. She responded with congrats, and how she was glad he would have more time for his family. So he responded with a me too. He also messaged another girl, who was an ex-coworker telling her he got the job and would be leaving. She responded with she would miss him and miss picking on him. Crazily enough, I had never heard him talk about her at all. Which set off little alarms, he usually talked about all his friends at work.

So now he is at his new job, and he told me he didn't work with any girls, but I found out through his facebook that he did. Which he says he kept from me because I am jealous.

I get that the messages to the other girls were for the most part, friendly and not anything wrong. But when I pair that to the flirting and texting, I can't help but think he was fishing. It doesn't help that the flirting and these messages were all within days of each other.

Oh, sometime in Dec, he finally admitted that his flirting was wrong and apologized.

I firmly believe he was having an EA with ex co-worker. He firmly denies and says he never had any feelings for her aside from friendship. Would you consider this an EA or just friends?

Am I crazy? Am I wrong? How do I get over this hurt?

absolut posted 1/19/2014 14:58 PM

No you are not crazy at all. I wish I knew what to say.
I agree he is fishing around for any crumbs of anything offered, he will probably sleep with any woman willing if he hasn't already, from the way you describe his behavior.

You call yourself "insecure" but I see nothing in his actions that would make you feel secure, in fact I think you would have to be crazy not to feel insecure in a relationship like yours. There's no security there.

And don't feel bad about your looks! If your husband thought for a second he could do better than you he would just leave instead of staying while sending out feelers. Plus your husband and this coworker sound incredibly gross and skanky with all their dumb inside jokes and jumping up and down on other peoples' feelings. How repulsive is that?

Is this your first baby? Congrats on your baby no matter what. Look, after your baby is born you can lose weight, get in shape, etc. But do it for you, believe me, it won't keep a man. Pregnancy is hard on a woman and you might want to take some time for yourself. You do not have to tolerate being lied to or manipulated.

Best wishes.

Skan posted 1/19/2014 14:59 PM

Oh, definite EA. You're not crazy you see the truth of it only too well. Frankly, that "party" night, I would have left him on the lawn and then turned the sprinklers on. He acted like a dog sniffing around a bitch in heat should'a been treated like one.

He' setting himself up at his new job too. This time, instead of mentioning his EA partner(s) to you, he's trying to keep them a secret so he can pretend that it's all innocent. If it were innocent, he would tell you the truth. If he was truly invested whole heartedly in his marriage, he wouldn't be going outside of it for emotional gratification. This may be still in the friendship arena, but it's heading towards EA in a very straight line.

I would suggest that both of you, he especially, read Not "Just" Friends. This is a clear and precise description of exactly what he is doing and how he's justifying it to himself. And a clear and precise foretelling of exactly what is likely to happen if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass real soon.

I'm glad that you found us for support. We're all here for you. Please look in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and read The Healing Library. Very good information for you there.

whattobelieve2 posted 1/19/2014 15:07 PM

Thanks for the quick replies.

This is actually our 4th baby. And I should say, he is an excellent father, a great provider, and a great friend.

And he does say that he loves me and is attracted to me and would never cheat.

He also wants to me to facebook message some of the people that I did know from his previous job and ask them if I thought he was being inappropriate at work with anyone. I'm not sure if I want to do that, mainly because I don't want to look like a crazy person to them, I don't want our business all over town, and because wouldn't their loyalty lie with him?

staystrong25 posted 1/19/2014 15:20 PM

Crazy? No not at all, just very observant. And as well you should be. Sometimes when we get to comfortable with our DH things like that slip in between the cracks and in some cases, like mine, escalate to more then an EA. Don't ever stop dating and flirting with one another, we all need affection and attention.

absolut posted 1/19/2014 15:46 PM

He also wants to me to facebook message some of the people that I did know from his previous job and ask them if I thought he was being inappropriate at work with anyone. I'm not sure if I want to do that, mainly because I don't want to look like a crazy person to them, I don't want our business all over town, and because wouldn't their loyalty lie with him?

ugh I actually laughed at this even though what he's doing is not even a little bit funny. This is "crazymaking" behavior. Your instincts are correct. Of course they're all either going to say that everything's great, or if they do think he's a gross type of guy, they're going to just try to stay out of it and not even reply. I mean no normal person is going to want to get in the middle of that, and you're right you would wind up feeling embarrassed, is the only thing that would come of it. What a fake show of phony concern on his part!

whattobelieve2 posted 1/19/2014 15:49 PM

I wanted to add, he says he wants friends and that he relates better to females than males. Because females talk about other stuff than hunting. He does have a few male friends but the only time he sees them is if I invite them over or he sees them at the store. He has the opportunity to see his friends, he just chooses not too.

And I think what hurts me the most, is that all of the girls are waaaaayyyy better looking than me and have waaaaaayyyy better bodies. In fact, the one girl he was messaging could be a model. :'( How does one compare to that?

whattobelieve2 posted 1/20/2014 12:39 PM

I just told him I felt lime a loser and that if I were skinnier or prettier it wouldn't have happened.

His response? Silence. Completely silence. I guess I have my answer.

kiki1 posted 1/20/2014 12:55 PM


You know what? I'm not ugly, not gorgeous either, but i've always been a skinny one and that didnt stop my husband from cheating on me!

It isnt you that's causing him to cheat, its him. Its in himself.

Dont you believe its you for 1 minute!! I do understand your feelings, we've mostly probably all felt at one time or another it had something to do with our desirability, but that's just not true. His silence? He'd rather you think unfairly of yourself than he should admit he's doing you wrong. He's being a coward, letting you feel pain he isnt ready to face.

And your not crazy, he's fishing and acting inappropriately. For sure. While your home being the good wife. Correct? BTDT.

I'm sorry your in this situation. Go to the yellow box at the top left of your screen and start to read and educate yourself. Save your sanity. As you read and absorb, you'll start to recognize some of the traits in your husband and how to deal with them.

And start telling yourself what a wonderful person you are instead of how unattractive you are. Turn that right around for your good!!

We're here for you, wtb2. Keep posting.

sending you hugs and strength,,,,,

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