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I.will.survive posted 1/19/2014 16:38 PM

I am so unbelievably sad and feeling like I did two years ago after Dday. Except this is just the sad and empty part, thankfully not the shock of my life part.

I fell in love with the sweetest, most caring man that I trusted immediately. I'm happy the ex didn't ruin me forever on that account.

But something was missing for me. I don't know what "it" is, but I do know that if I would have married him in a couple of years, something would feel like I was settling. I married ex thinking "this man loves me SO much, he can carry me through the spots where I don't feel it as much." BIG mistake. Ex was hard to love with his drug habits, excessive spending and going out though. Duh.

The man that has been in my life for the last 9 months just ended it with me because I told him the truth. That I can't see getting married and I know he wants ME to be his wife.

So now here I sit, devastated again. Not hungry, head pounding, tears flowing. I just let the perfect man walk away.

What is wrong with me?

nowiknow23 posted 1/19/2014 16:44 PM

((((i.will.survive)))) There's nothing wrong with you, honey. I'm so sorry you are hurting.

better4me posted 1/19/2014 16:52 PM


Doing the right thing hurts sometimes.

velveteer posted 1/19/2014 17:01 PM

I hear you. I'm in a similar situation myself. Sometimes for whatever reason it just doesn't work. It hurts, but know that there is nothing wrong with you. Be good to yourself.

finallymefirst posted 1/19/2014 17:01 PM

((((I.will.survive))) sorry..

mixedemotions posted 1/19/2014 17:28 PM

I just let the perfect man walk away

Not perfect for you, and that's what's important. There are tons of men and women out there who are wonderful people. That doesn't mean we want to marry all of them.

What is wrong with me

You mean what is right with you? You were patient enough to give love a chance when you knew there was a good man in front of you, you honored yourself enough to listen to your truth, and you were kind and respectful enough to let him make an informed decision about his future. There should be more people in the dating world like you.

I know you're hurting, but it's because you have a heart! And a soul! So you feel bad for him but you know you did the right thing, even when it was uncomfortable. I think I'd be more concerned about you if you weren't hurting over this. It will get better...for both of you. Believe it!

jo2love posted 1/19/2014 17:35 PM


ladythump posted 1/19/2014 19:17 PM

There is nothing wrong with you. He just wasn't the one. I know it's hard when everything seems perfect about him, but it's your heart that is the best judge and your heart wasn't going to get to that point with him. There is nothing wrong with that. Just life.

I'm sorry as I know this doesn't make the hurt go away ....
I know exactly how you feel.

AgainandAgain posted 1/19/2014 19:28 PM

Nothing is wrong with you. Do not beat yourself up.

You did the right thing and don't question it. You can love someone but not be in love with them. Does that make sense? You did the honest thing and told him the truth. I wish I would have had that in some of the past relationships instead of being lead on to think I was loved. Yes it will hurt you both but you had to do the right thing and you did.

You are a good person and that's why you are so upset. You have feelings and emotions. I think if I had been in that situation, I'd be the same as you and crying.


Brandon808 posted 1/20/2014 01:30 AM


But something was missing for me. I don''t know what "it" is, but I do know that if I would have married him in a couple of years, something would feel like I was settling.
...and this...
I just let the perfect man walk away. not match up.

How can he be "perfect" and you settle at the same time. I think you should examine what you mean for yourself when you say "perfect". What exactly is missing that you feel you would have been settling for with him?

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 2:09 AM, January 20th, 2014 (Monday)]

absolut posted 1/20/2014 01:40 AM

^^^kinda curious about that too

I.will.survive posted 1/20/2014 05:37 AM

Thank you all so much for taking the time to write to me with such kind words. It means a lot.

The first time I woke up last night I thought "something's wrong" and then I remembered my heart ache. It was like deja vu from 2 years ago.

I say he's the perfect man because there isn't anything big he needs to change in order for me to be completely sure. No huge character flaw. Just enough of a little something here and there that over time might make me crazy. Who knows. I just know I'm hypersensitive to not wanting to change anyone because I've learned you get what you see.

People show you who they are and you need to believe them. He showed me he is kind hearted soul that is no doubt the best partner I have ever had. He knows how to share the load and make a woman feel loved and cherished.

My ex did that a tiny bit 14 years ago and I fell for it despite the red flags of his addiction, etc.

So in my heart I know this is the right thing for him to walk away and search for the woman who is sure she wants him for eternity. She's one damn lucky woman when he finds her.

Today I go to work with swollen eyes, still crying and a very heavy heart. I hope love comes your way and you aren't afraid to experience it. My heart is broken again, but I'm a better person for falling in love with him.

I.will.survive posted 1/20/2014 17:17 PM

I feel like I need to clarify some more on the "perfect man" walking away and the "something missing."

He's perfect....for someone else, apparently. Because I can't put my finger on WHY he doesn't feel like he's the one for me, I practically forced him to break up with me.

I've been honest all along about my feelings. He finally got it and put his guard up,naturally. We couldn't stay on that roller coaster so he found the courage to walk away, although deeply in love.

I wish I knew what was missing for me. That's why I describe him as perfect. I can't put my finger on "change this" or "be this way" and I'll have that ahhhh, THIS is the one for me forever feeling.

Does that make sense? Maybe it does to people who are happily married. They just "knew."

SBB posted 1/20/2014 18:21 PM

I've been in similar situations - except rather than the kicker being marriage the kicker is just being in a committed relationship. They've ticked all of the boxes - aside from time I'm guessing there's also a 'me' box I can't tick. I may never.

I've wondered if something is wrong with me. Easy to dismiss right now because it is too soon for me but I honestly can't see this changing - ever. TBH I have fretted about it a bit. Why am I throwing these great guys away? Am I waiting for WH#2 arsehole to come around and sweep me off my feet again?

No - I won't allow that to happen. There won't be THE GUY who will change this for me. If change does come it can't be external - it needs to be within me and by me.

I settled for the sad clown because on paper he was perfect. He treated me amazingly well. I now know it was love-bombing. He wanted a committed relationship, he wanted a family - desperately.

Something in his actions didn't match up but everyone has their negatives, right? My expectations were too high - better lower them.

I married and had children with him because he was not bad enough to leave, not because he was good enough to stay. It is one of my deepest regrets.

If it feels like settling then it is settling. He can still be a great guy and not be right for you. You can be a great woman and not be right for him.

Its hard to say whether it is the timing or the individual but IMO continuing if you feel this way would be settling for less. 'Less' doesn't always mean the other person isn't enough - sometimes it is because the timing isn't right our our paths aren't on the same road.

Plus - I don't trust that what I think I want is what I need, what will enhance my happiness in the long run, what will allow me to live the life I want to lead.

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