"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

LostnHurt posted 1/19/2014 22:57 PM

My SO suggested we spend a month apart so that we can figure out what we're going to do. I am so uneasy about this bc I feel he will be spending time with the OP. He says he will get a short-term apartment on his own. It seems as if he really wanted to leave me, he would have done so already. DDay was Dec. 15th.

He said he needs the time apart because he is confused and hopes the time will bring him some clarity.

He also mentioned that we should tell our family what is going on, so that seems like a good sign to me.

He said that he couldn't imagine leaving the OP at the moment, cold turkey. I don't know what he will learn in a month that will help him make his decision to stay in our 10 year relationship or pursue this new one with someone 13 years younger? I fear that this is going to be a trial living together for them. I don't know. I'm so confused.

Brandon808 posted 1/19/2014 23:04 PM

This...

He said that he couldn't imagine leaving the OP at the moment, cold turkey.

...coupled with the request to live separately does not sound like a plan to reconnect at all. This would have me concerned.

Skan posted 1/20/2014 11:57 AM

I think that since he''s still in contact with the AP, you need to proceed as if you are headed for a divorce. He''s sitting real pretty on the fence with you on one side and the OP on the other. It''s time to kick that fence over and let him fall on his ass.

You see, he has made a decision. NOT making a decision and continuing the way that he is, IS making a decision. He''s decided to try to stay married and also have a piece on the side. His decision is to make you put your life on hold while both you and OP do the Pick Me! Pick Me! dance for him. It''s not a real pretty picture, is it?

Any decision other than I chose LostnHurt with all of my heart and soul, and I will do anything to earn my way back into her trust and love, is a decision to leave the marriage. He''s left. His body may be there, but he is mentally gone. All that''s happening is that the body is stinking up your life by reminding you of what was. You need to sweep all of that out the door, for your own sake.

At this point, if you have property in common, I would go see a lawyer and start the process of untangling your lives. Give him a real shot of reality as to where he is heading. I would not communicate with him at all, 180 him, except for necessary legal communications about property settlement, child support if appropriate, etc. Please understand this. You need to take care of YOURSELF right now. He will not. He will leave you in limbo, bleeding out, until there is nothing left of you. It''s up to YOU to save yourself. No one else can do that but you.

I''m so sorry. This isn''t fair and it isn''t right. But it is your reality right now and you need to face that reality or it will plow you under. You deserve SO much more. Don''t settle for someone else''s scraps.

[This message edited by Skan at 5:09 PM, January 21st, 2014 (Tuesday)]

I think I can posted 1/20/2014 12:06 PM

I am so sorry. I do wish the W's would be straightforward about what it is they are doing.

The translation of his actions is:--he is leaving you. He is leaving you for the other woman. His words are blah blah blah bullshit.

PLEASE protect yourself financially. He is not a team member anymore. You are on your own and you need to look out for yourself.

ok2014 posted 1/20/2014 21:26 PM

I feel for you. I am in this separation limbo right now. My WH left Oct. 13th to "need time for a little while" and is still out of the house while OW is messing with his head even deeper into their affair. My partial 180 seemed to work until Saturday. ....but remember only you know your marriage and what you are ready to do with it. I migth fail big time but I am not giving up yet...getting there and but not right now. Alteast then I will know I tried everything I had. I still have love for him, not for what he is doing.

crazynot posted 1/21/2014 00:16 AM

Time to look after yourself and detach... these 'time to think' separations are often just ways to make THEM think better about leaving.

nolight posted 1/21/2014 04:28 AM

I'm sorry Hun but I agree with skan, I think I can and crazy not, it seems that he is trying to make his leaving easier. He probably hopes that he can let you down gently and those of us that have been there know its more painful then a sharp, clean break.

I think his decision to tell your families may be an attempt to let them down gently too and to make the ending of your relationship seem more of a natural progression then one persons cruelty.

Please detach, if he's ever going to come back it will be by seeing that you are confident, secure and can live without him.

LostnHurt posted 1/21/2014 15:05 PM

This situation just doesn't seem real. He said I could stay in our home while he gets a short term apartment. There's no way I can fathom staying in our home ALONE during this time. I am staying with my family and trying to make it through the days. Taking a couple of days off work to clear my head and process everything.

I still can't believe this has happened to me. I don't know how someone can leave behind a 10 year relationship and family ties for a 6-week relationship with someone 13 years younger.

I'm not too hopeful for R, although that's what I really want. I just never imagined my life without my SO. I can't face the prospect of being on my own again. I had my entire life planned out in my head.

Me: 34
SO: 34
DDay: 12-15-13
Separation: 1-20-14
OP: 21