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1 Year Today

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Trying33 posted 1/20/2014 06:33 AM

So here it is.

Exactly one year since d-day and I haven't spontaneously combusted or had a major meltdown or stayed in bed all day. I'm not sure what I was expecting, to be honest, but I'd built this day up in my head to be a bad one and so far I'm totally chilled.

Today is xAP's birthday so I think I was afraid of today because I thought I may be tempted to send him a message, but nope, nothing, nada. This is probably what they mean by indifference although I do have some residual emotion left of the fuck you variety. I will never give xAP the satisfaction of any contact with me ever again. So, I realise this is not total indifference, but, compared to this time last year I am a different person with a different attitude towards life.

I wish things with my H and I were better but alas I realise this will take some time. We are having many dips and blow outs but there are tender moments too. My last post was about wanting to separate. Every time my thoughts go there I just think of my kids and remind myself I must be patient.

For now, I'm just content to be working on me and have a new job to look forward to. I discussed with my IC that I need help on accepting my life. Accepting that my marriage is not perfect and if that's what I'm striving for then I'm going to be disappointed every time.

To all those struggling right now, you can do this, and 1 year out you will see the World through different eyes. Just give yourself a chance.

floridaredman posted 1/20/2014 08:46 AM

Congratulations on making it to one year. You have progressed quite a bit. The second year can be the hardest year and whatever problems you are having now can be really magnified. The shock and raw feelings will have worn off your H and if you haven't experienced a lot of rage and prepared for it to happen.

The first year is dealing with the shock
The second year it is common to be dealing head on with the fallout.

If you haven't got your "shouty and defensive" responses in two are going to be an atom bomb waiting to happen.

Because in year 2 he may not withdraw, but come out swinging like Mike Tyson.

This may not happen,but just a fair warning that it could.

Aubrie posted 1/20/2014 09:58 AM

I remember planning and preparing for the first Anti like we would wake up to, "DUN, DUN, DUNNNNNNN....Welcome to HELL". It came and went, without so much as a blip on the radar.

I agree with FRM. Year 2 was a nightmare for QS and I. It was a combination of "This crap? Still!?" and fighting for our lives and putting into practice the new, healthy things we'd learned in year 1.

Trying33 posted 1/20/2014 11:43 AM

This may sound weird but I say bring it on (perhaps i won't say this when it happens!) but I'm so tired of him pretending like it never happened, tired of him burying his head in the sand.

I welcome some rage and words to express this rage. Famous last words I know but right now my alternative is not being allowed to talk about it or process how it's affected our marriage.

I know this is not about me and many of you have pointed out I'm equating my H's lack of overt anger to how much he cares, but it's near right impossible to fix something when you don't/won't/can't talk about it or show any emotion about it.

As for my shouty/defensive part, it's very much in check. I have realised, above all else, it's pointless, my H shuts down, I get resentful and the cycle just continues. Instead now I just wait it out and bring it up when we've both calmed down.

[This message edited by Trying33 at 11:45 AM, January 20th (Monday)]

Prayingforhope posted 1/20/2014 11:51 AM

Congrats on making it 1 year! I love the comment about "not spontaneously combusted yet" as I feel like that all the time and I'm only 1/4 of where you're at.

Every day is a first of worst moments in my life (being beaten by my wife, asked to leave my home, separation, quitting my job, on and on it goes) BUT you're right...every morning the newspapers are still printed (this is what my Priest tell me) and guess what, I'm still here.

Congrats again and thanks for the reminders that the timescale is in YEARS, not hours, and that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage (hell, that is what our friends used to say about my old marriage and look where that got me!).

Enjoy your day.

adriana1980 posted 1/21/2014 11:13 AM

Trying33, I'm new to this site and I have to admit for some reason I find your story quite intriguing. I hope you don't mind answering my question.... was your affair strictly an emotional one without any form of sexual/physical interaction with your AP involved?

Good luck in fixing things with your husband. I really mean it.

Trying33 posted 1/21/2014 11:30 AM

It was 90% emotional. In a span of 2 and half years we only met 4 times and 2 times out of that it was physical.

adriana1980 posted 1/21/2014 15:23 PM

Thank you. I'm trying to make some sense of my husband's infidelity but so far I have been failing badly.

Good luck once again.

Darkness Falls posted 1/21/2014 20:34 PM


Just saw this post. Glad you made it through year 1. As you know, your H and my XH are very similar WRT expressing feelings. Sending you strength to keep making your marriage the best it can be.

Trying33 posted 1/22/2014 06:00 AM

Thanks HB. I'm working on myself and making myself a stronger and healthier person. My H has very obvious psychological issues that he does not wish to address and although I can encourage him to address them I cannot force him.

All we can do is work on ourselves.

How are things with you?

bionicgal posted 1/22/2014 06:54 AM

although I do have some residual emotion left of the fuck you variety.

Love it!

Darkness Falls posted 1/22/2014 10:22 AM

Things are OK. Would probably be better if we didn't spend the majority of our time at work, and could spend more time connecting with each other, but that's life. Thanks for asking.

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