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found out jan. 2. Will I ever have my life back?

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EB1541 posted 1/20/2014 09:41 AM


I am new to the site. I am so glad I found it because I have been going crazy not being able to talk about this.okay well my husband and I have been together 4 years but recently got married Nov. 3. And two months later I found out he cheated. No sex but was practically dating this women. He has know he since high school and she recently came into work and they exchanged numbers. He said they started talking 2 weeks before we got married. They only met up once right after Christmas, when he told me he was going to a "work Christmas party." They went to the movies, he said they held hands and kissed. No sex so I guess that's good. But it hurts me so much that he was emotional giving himself to this women. They are both married and know.

It's been about two weeks since I found out. I feel okay one minute and thing a mess the next. I am still unsure there is a future with us. It seems the only time I am happy is when I am avoiding the situation. Which isn't healthy.

He's been trying to "change" . He will let me see his phone since it happened but that's about it. He has already gone out with friends and left me home, since the incident. That really didn't sit well will me and my insecurities. He is open to talking to me about what happened, but he gets frustrated and made very easily. So it worries me how long he is going to be willing to do this.

Ever since I found out I feel like one wrong move will be the end of our relationship. I feel like I always have to be dressed up so he doesn't compare me to her. I feel like I am afraid to talk about the situation for fear of fighting. I am afraid not son won't have his father. Realistic or not, these are my worries. I just don't know if it's worth staying. He wants to try he says but shows only minimal effort.

EB1541 posted 1/20/2014 09:45 AM

Sorry for all the typos.

iamsoblind42 posted 1/20/2014 09:49 AM

Wow, right after you got married. I am so sorry. I do not have much advice to give as I only found out 1/11/14 but I wanted to let you know there are great people on here. We have all been hurt and you will get great advice. Read all the BS (betrayed spouse) info in the Healing Library. It will help. Sorry you had to find this forum.

BTW... if you click the yellow smiley face on upper right you can read that person's story. The icon just to the right of that lets you edit your post.

[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 9:50 AM, January 20th (Monday)]

EB1541 posted 1/20/2014 09:55 AM

Thank you. I really appreciate the support. I really need it at this point.

EB1541 posted 1/20/2014 10:23 AM

I am also contemplating writing him a letter and sharing all my feel is and unhappiness in our marriage. I can't seem to be able to say what's on my mind. I just don't know if it is a good idea or not.

jjct posted 1/20/2014 10:50 AM

Write the letter as a form of journaling - just don't give it to him.
Write here.
We will help you get through this awfulness.
What he did - the cheating - had nothing to do with you, DON'T feel like you have to "compete", or get dressed up.

To answer the thread question, no, because the old life, really, the old M is over.
You can have a new M, if he steps up to the plate and owns his shit.
(Getting frustrated and mad at you does not bode well)

I doubt you have the whole story - that's extremely rare.
hugs (((EB)))
We're here for you.

Dyinghere posted 1/20/2014 10:50 AM

How did you find out?

If I were you I would go into investigation mode to find out if it is still ongoing. Also you should steel yourself for finding out more -- there's a good chance you don't have the whole truth yet.

So sorry for what you are going through. Take care of yourself - drink water, try to eat, read and post here...

Hugs to you.

SeanFLA posted 1/20/2014 11:05 AM

Ever since I found out I feel like one wrong move will be the end of our relationship.

I know this feeling. It's a feeling of like you are walking on eggshells. But really. How long do you have vested into this marriage...two months? Easy now but you need a little jolt here. I can tell you there's a ton more you don't know about. Maybe not with this woman but probably another at some point. Do you really want to subject yourself to this torture your whole marriage and the rest of your life because you're afraid of losing him? That's the part that isn't healthy and the part you need to quickly work on about yourself.

No sex so I guess that's good.

Really? I think you need to read this again. He went to the movies with his new girlfriend and kissed her! Now you're downplaying it. This is what we call rug sweeping on here...but on your part the fact he told you there was no sex isn't all THAT bad. Two months into marriage and he can't be faithful?...yeah EB it's THAT bad. I would go down and get it annulled if possible and start making plan B. You're sitting around hoping he will change and suddenly all will be great. He's been having affairs, or trying to have them, since you were dating. I guaranty it as he doesn't respect you nor your marriage vows and it's only been like 75 days. You can do better than this guy. You are settling for him.

EB1541 posted 1/20/2014 11:21 AM

JJCT- Thank you for your support! I will try writing the letter on here. I also feel like I don't know the while story too. I feel like he may have had sex with her and that it might be more than one woman.

Dyinghere - I found the messages on his phone. The message that broke my heart was a message from the other woman saying "it hurts my heart to know you're Married. " They obviously had an emotional relationship. :/

SeanFLA - thank you! I feel the same concerns that you mentioned. I guess I am just scared to actually leave. Where would I go? Our car is in his name too... and you're completely right about me sweeping the "no sex" under the rug. And for all I know he could have been lying about that too... I know we've only been married a few months but we've had a long relationship. We were engaged for two years(red flag I didn't see),we rushed the marriage because I found out I had cancer and no insurance.

SeanFLA posted 1/20/2014 11:45 AM you're staying for health reasons and the fact you're most likely on his insurance? I'm sorry to hear about your cancer, it's a terrible thing to go through. In that case look at the ObamaCare site and start shopping for your own healthcare. There are no pre-existing conditions anymore. DO NOT stay with him because you are scared. By doing so you're selling yourself out. I too felt the same way when I discovered it. But when I look back it was the worst thing I could have done. Once the respect is gone, you will have nothing.

Contact an attorney who will advise you on the car situation (and healthcare costs). Despite being married a short time things will still be divided up and he will lose things. So think of it this way...joke's on him! And you cannot divide a car so you may find in mediation it will go to you after all.

Look I was married for 18 years and together for 21 years. You don't need to lecture me on long-term relationships. Cut your losses, get your health back and build your own new life. It sounds like you are young. There are plenty of other men out there believe me!

EB1541 posted 1/20/2014 11:56 AM

SeanFLA - thank you sharing. It really helps me. We rushed the marriage because of my health. I am staying because I am afraid of losing everything. It's like I put so much into this relationship I have nothing for myself. Deep down inside I know our marriage is over... I just need to decide what is the best way to go from here. I feel like a divorce is coming sooner or later. I don't want this to be the rest of my life. I still want my son to have a relationship with him because I come from divorced parents and know how much I needed them both. I guess I'm just procrastinating because I don't want to feel the pain.

k94ever posted 1/20/2014 14:16 PM your gut.

They had sex. Is there more than one? I don't know, what is your gut telling you.

I'm soo sorry you are here.



EB1541 posted 1/20/2014 15:10 PM

Thank you everyone. I just posted a letter that I wrote for my husband but am unsure if I should give it to him

spond posted 1/20/2014 15:22 PM

So sorry you are here. To start off, I would hit the 180 hard.

This will help you with you. I would urge you to read the rest of the BS FAQ's as well. They are full of information.

A word of caution, cheaters lie... they lie to protect themselves, the other party and their fantasy world they are living in. So be prepared for more.

Only you can choose to carry on your marriage or not. If he is remorseful and you want to continue. It is possible, though it will take lots of work on both sides. He will also have to learn to be completely transparent and honest.

I think a letter, email or text messages might be a great way for you to communicate how you are feeling. I personally speak my mind much better via text then face-2-face.

If you feel there is more... go into investigative mode and research like crazy. Cell phone call and text history, credit card statements, etc.

ProbableIceCream posted 1/20/2014 16:08 PM

You get 36 months of COBRA when you get divorced, also. It would be best to get a free consult from a lawyer to find out what your rights are.

Additionally, you can be legally separated (in most states and with most companies) and stay on the insurance. There are many exceptions, but I'd check on this.

ProbableIceCream posted 1/20/2014 16:09 PM

(also, depending on the outcome of the divorce, you could get a provision for health insurance/COBRA, but again, only a lawyer can give you a good idea of this)

StrongerOne posted 1/20/2014 20:57 PM

So sorry, dear, what an awful hand to be dealt! I hope you have someone to help you with your sweet baby.

Just to add to the other good advice you are getting: talk to your oncologist (or to one of the nurses, if you feel more comfortable talking with them) about STD testing. Get checked for everything. No unprotected sex with your WH. Very important -- if your immune system is down from chemo or radiation, or from the cancer itself, it is even more important to catch and treat any stds.

Please let us know how you are doing. Big big hugs to you and to your baby.

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