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Marriage w SAs...any successful stories

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confused52204 posted 1/20/2014 10:18 AM

So I'm just curious has any marriages ever worked out and fully R'ed after you have found out that ur WS was a SA? I found this out about my ex fiancé about a year and a half ago. I'm not sure to what extent he was an SA but I do have most facts. He was on multiple sites posting for men and women. This went on for about 2 years. Once I found out he took poly and passed proving no physical contact.

It took this long for him to actually start working on himself. I kicked him out of the home we purchased together. He then hit rock bottom and now is seeking IC.

He still contacts me w hopes of getting back together.

This is my second relationship after my first marriage went south. As my XH cheated do I divorced. I do have a 6 yo dd from first marriage.

Now I'm just a hot mess because he wants to get back together and I do still love him. He was very good to me and treated my dd like his own. It's sad that it took him over a year to seek help. I think that is bc he figured he stopped it months before we started our new chapter in life of purchasing a home together.

Any thoughts and this? Has marriages w an ex SA ever work out? Is it worth the risk?

Kelany posted 1/20/2014 10:47 AM

I'm 2 1/2 years from dday1, 18 months from dday2 and a year in to real R with my SA husband.

My husband had not yet escalated into random hookups, posting online for sex, and same sex encounters, or random ons or prostitutes.

He had 4 affairs, porn addiction and compulsive masturbation.

I would not have reconciled had he escalated further or if he had refused to seek help. It can be done, but it's hard, very hard.

If I were you? No way would I try.

confused52204 posted 1/20/2014 18:15 PM


Lionne posted 1/20/2014 18:57 PM

They can and do. However, if I knew then what I know now about SA, recovery, sobriety and the whole shebang, had no financial or child ties to a known addict I would NOT get involved unless he had a confirmed history of many years of sobriety. Confirmed by a CSAT and a 12step sponsor...

MandMs posted 1/20/2014 20:11 PM

My husband is a SA. We have been in a successful R for almost three years now.
His past includes multiple PA with coworkers, strippers, prostitutes, and ultimately his brother's wife. The last betrayal with our sister-in-law (now ex!!) was what pushed him over the edge into recovery, first AA and then SAA. He has an amazing sponsor in both programs, has worked the steps, and sponsors other men. It is this level of activity, along with total transparency, full disclosure, and continuing work on with of our parts that allows us to stay married.
Not only have we stayed married, but our marriage has thrived despite the massive devastation his infidelity has caused in our lives and now the lives of our children, our two oldest just found out about his affair with our ex-sil.
We are proof that a marriage can come back from this but not with out a lot of work and a lot of willingness on both sides.
I hope this helps! Id be happy to any other questions that come up.

confused615 posted 1/21/2014 06:43 AM

The poly proved no physical contact. Was one of the questions, "Are you gay/bi?" ?

His reason was bullshit. A man doesn't send penis pics..and request and receive penis pics from men..for TWO years..unless they have some kind of interest in men.

Until he is ready to be honest with himself..and can not R with a wayward who is in denial about his sexuality.

This man did NOT treat you and your DD like gold. He cheated on you nearly the entire relationship. The man you thought he was is not the man he is.

You need to start the 180. For yourself. You need to focus on the good things in your life. Block him from contacting you. There are plenty of men in the world who are not into other men. You do not want to be me..together for 15 years, with two kids, and you wake up one day and find out your WH has been offering BJ's on CL. You don't want the mindfuck that goes with this bullshit. I am an attractive, kind, sexy woman. I have had moment where I HATE my body..because I don't have a fucking penis! That is some bullshit right there. FWH is honest with me..and remorseful..and in IC..and took a poly(and passed)...and loves me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes..and God help me, I love this man...but that doesn't mean that is a struggle. You do not want this life.

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