SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

DLP50 posted 1/20/2014 10:42 AM

I just do not understand why he continues to lie!!!!

Last week he was expecting a new computer from his employer that was coming via a transporation company that he knew he had to sign for. I called him mid morning to see if the computer came. His reply, no I was outside and so it will be delivered tomorrow.

I thought that was strange because I knew the dogs would bark if they heard the doorbell. When I questioned him further, then he tells me well I was at the rec center. Asked him why would he would have left since he knew the computer was coming and he knew it would be a morning delivery. That is all he had to say in the 1st place, I was at the rec center.

Saturday evening, we had a cocktail and I thought the martini shaker was empty. I was in the other room and I heard the liquor bottle clink. When I came back in the room, his glass was full again making it drink #3, (and no he did not offer me a refill, btw), so I asked why he had to add more vodka.

He says” I didn't I was cleaning up” however, he had cleaned up the kitchen on the 2nd refill.

He says he has not had an affair, how am supposed to believe that when he lies about the simplest things?

I just want to scream.. I don't know what to do anymore. For the most part, I usually am able to catch him in the lie and he knows that.

I just want to bang my head against the wall.
When will it stop!!!!

kiki1 posted 1/20/2014 12:15 PM

(((DLP50)))

I'm not sure if it will stop.

Facing the same thing myself.

Lies over stupid shit that doesnt matter.

If they'll lie over stupid shit, they'll lie about anything right??

That's how i feel anyways. Seems logical.

It doesnt bode well for us.

I have started to detach myself from him as best i can. Lies hurt and i want no more.

hugs,,,,,,

AppalachianGal posted 1/20/2014 12:32 PM

What will end my marriage will be the LIES. I totally empathize. No trust = no marriage.

Flourgirl posted 1/20/2014 12:49 PM

I have had the same thing happen. After I call him on it he fully admits it. He says its what he knows. He is going to IC to try and fix the broken person that he is. The problem is now my oldest daughter is lying. She watched him lie about drinking for so long. It's a total mess.

Lonelygirl10 posted 1/20/2014 16:15 PM

The lies ended my relationship. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I had proof of something, and he just looked me in the eyes and lovingly lied. He claims he forgot. I drove myself crazy for months trying to figure out if I'm right or wrong about various lies. I just can't do it anymore.

Dobegirl posted 1/20/2014 16:40 PM

Raising hand here

Going through the same thing. I just don't get it. He will lie over the smallest thing. And he just.won't.stop.

The lies have killed this marriage. Not playing the 21 question game. Or in his case ask the right question and get the right answer. Its exhausting. Just can't be with someone I don't trust.

((HUGS))

[This message edited by Dobegirl at 4:40 PM, January 20th (Monday)]

Jrazz posted 1/20/2014 16:43 PM

It stops when you draw the line and make a stand for yourself. You have proven that he lies and lies. Now the choice is yours - stay with a liar or remove yourself from the situation.

Understanding WHY he lies is secondary. If he's not working on it, there's nothing you can you to "get" him to stop.

Start working on what you need to live the life that will make you the healthiest and happiest.

(((DLP50)))

DLP50 posted 1/20/2014 16:54 PM

I had proof of something, and he just looked me in the eyes and lovingly lied.

Lonley, are we with the same person? I've had that look alot.

Thanks for all the replies.

He apologized yesterday, but we will probably be going thru the same thing within a few days.

We take 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

dovetool posted 1/20/2014 17:02 PM

Urgh... do they realize how even small lies set WS back?!!

My WH lied when we reconciled about his past. thought the past could be in the past. But it was the white lies that drew out the past because I couldnt trust him when he would lie to me about smoking a cigarette or actually being on a conference call when he was just scrolling through ESPN website

Razor posted 1/20/2014 17:02 PM

BTDT.

It has come to the point where if I dont already know the answer to a question. I dont ask because I know she will lie. This kinda limits conversation.

Kalliopeia posted 1/20/2014 17:59 PM

Mine lied so much I can't tell anymore what is true. One time he lied about the presence of something that was freaking sitting about 3 feet from my face. Literally he was denying the existence of it. He was looking right at it and insisted it wasn't there.

These days I don't know how much he lies. I am not catching him any. Sometimes I don't know to ask the right question, so I don't get told up front. Though if I DO think to ask, he tells the truth. He says he is not lying. Ok, he is NOT sharing what should be shared without asking.

Not a lie, technically.

I have gone completely insane from it. He is furious about the constant questioning, says he is hiding nothing, that he is tired of all of the blame and at this point said flat out he is not to blame for my demons, and if I want a relationship with him, then all of the BLAMING stops because he doesn't want to be with a person who is so upset and BLAMING all the time.

Lies, blame, denial. It's all the same old crap to me.

stupidgirlme posted 1/20/2014 18:24 PM

The constant lying is the hardest part for me!

In our case, I almost think it's because he is so used to lying about so many things, anyway, it's easier to just keep lying.

We both take the same pain medication and I have to beg my doctor to get them, and his gives them out like the are TicTacs. But mine are always missing. But he never has taken any of them. After the first time a bottle of 100 was nearly gone before I even opened it myself, I tried to explain that if he needs mine, I don't care, just to at least let me know. He refuses to be bothered. Each time there is a lie of any type and no matter how big, it's like another gash right through me. I don't know, maybe it's also because they are so self-centered and thik since the world revolves around them there is no need to tell the truth.

So sorry for you, DLP50!!!

Lonelygirl10 posted 1/20/2014 19:20 PM

It stops when you draw the line and make a stand for yourself. You have proven that he lies and lies. Now the choice is yours - stay with a liar or remove yourself from the situation.

That's the point that I reached. I told him beginning of November that if he lied about anything, I was done. Last week I went on his computer and found a hidden file. I asked him if he had any hidden files on his computer. He said no. The next night I went back on the computer, and the file was gone. I asked him if he had deleted any files in the past month. He looked me straight in the eyes and said no. Then the day after that he got upset at me asking so many questions, and said that my questions were making him distant. So, I confronted him that night and ended the relationship. If I hadn't seen that file with my own eyes, I would have believed him. I honestly cannot tell the difference in him when he's telling the truth versus when he's lying. And I just can't live like that.

nekorb posted 1/20/2014 20:37 PM

My WH is lying to everyone...me, his mom, his brother, possibly even to OW. He lies to the counselors. I don't even think he know what he has told whom at this point. (Grammar error there?)

Sad. He used to be SO against lying and SO into the truth and honesty.

I don't know what has happened to him. It's sad to watch. It breaks my heart.

cantgetup posted 1/20/2014 21:34 PM

I know the lies are related to your situation, but I am confused about the focus on that and not the fact you feel he has had an A and he says he hasn't? And your a member on this site? Again I get the connection between your post on lies and the fact you can't believe him about an A because clearly he lies. But I'm curious-- what you are doing about the real problem? I'm sorry if it's in your profile--too hard to read on my phone.

DLP50 posted 1/21/2014 07:37 AM

cangetup

Here is the info on why I believe he has had an A.
There are just to many red flags in my opinion.
Not to mention how distant he was.
When I have confronted about the what is listed belows, he lies....

Receipts for meals for 2 people, phone records show a lot of “unavailable numbers” and voicemails late at night and very early in the mornings. Unfortunately when there is a voicemail left, his carrier does not show the number that called.
Excessive mileage, excessive texting (his carrier only lists number of texts, does not show the number that was to or from). And of course, the texts are no longer in his phone. Always had his work phone with him and was always checking it.
He was leaving for a red eye flight on a Sunday night and he was checking his Blackberry on Saturday night every 5 minutes. I asked why he was checking his phone on a becuase who would be sending work emails at 9pm on a weekend?

Excessive out of town travel and a lot of “last minute” trips. The last 2-3 years he was gone almost 3 weeks out of the month. In 2013, he was home more than he has been for a long time. So I’m guessing the A is over or just really slowed down.

When I asked to look at his work emails, 2 weeks later, he gave me his computer. More than enough time for him to delete, delete, delete. He works from home and when I would walk into his office, he would immediately minimize the screen on his computer.

I have told him that I will not stand for the continued lying and that I will leave. I just need to get my ducks in a row before that can happen.

[This message edited by DLP50 at 7:44 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

MadnessMuse posted 1/21/2014 08:01 AM

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:46 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

DLP50 posted 1/21/2014 09:31 AM

Madness-

Thank you so much for your reply, no apologies needed.

H is much like you and avoids conflict like the plague and a people pleaser. A lot of that has to do with is FOO more specifically his mother, she was a real piece of work. When a discussion has taken place between us that he doesn't like, he just shuts down and that part just drives me insane!

Sunday morning when we got up after the cocktail issue Saturday evening, we didn't speak for probably an hour or more. It wasn't until I finally said something to him that he started to talk.

turtle72 posted 1/21/2014 10:03 AM

All the lies about trivial things that didn't matter killed my first M. I left the M in the worst way possible, but gaining insight into the reasons behind the lies about nothing is important to me because I still have to deal with him and the continued lies as a divorced co-parent.

MadnessMuse, I truly appreciate your post for understanding why someone would lie about something inconsequential in the first place. Where I get hung up is learning from the consequences of the lies. Where telling the truth may have a consequence of mild and momentary irritation from your spouse, the consequence of telling the lie and having it uncovered is one hundredfold - anger, tears, further erosion of trust or an end to the M altogether.

How many times does the person who lies about everything/nothing need to witness the increased consequences to themselves before they learn the truth is the easier path on them?

Razor posted 1/21/2014 10:16 AM

Lies are ALWAYS for the benefit of the liar.

Lies that are excused by the liar as told to not hurt the person lied to. Those lies are insidious and awful and is a horrible thing to do to another person.

All lies (IMO) are about control. Controlling others actions. Controlling others views and opinion of the liar.

You dont lie like this to a person you actually care for.