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Bdell posted 1/20/2014 12:54 PM

So, my wife says she loves me, desires me, and respects me , ABOVE ANY OTHER PERSON........NOW!! That she will do all it takes, be completely honest, and prove to me that I was ALWAYS the ONLY one, and that her 4 month affair was a personal crisis of character. She says all of this.....now. Where was it ...... then??
The more I am involved in this crap, the more I begin to realize that the time delay between the affair and it's discovery is a huge impediment to R.

kiki1 posted 1/20/2014 13:15 PM

I hear you Bdell.

Just read a good thread on the "whys".

It helps for understanding.

Basically Bdell, we didnt matter much "then".

hugs,,,,,

Bdell posted 1/20/2014 14:33 PM

Apparently, according to the IC, she had serious abandonment/attention issues, from childhood, which never surfaced until that time. IDK how much of that I buy into.

ILINIA posted 1/20/2014 16:42 PM

Bdell - I posted this about 2.5 months out from dday, sound familiar?

For a couple of months he fantasizes about his coworker, sleeps with her, I confront him, and woolah, All of the sudden I am the "love of is life"!
I know we are just under 3 months from DDay, but he keeps reinforcing that I am "the one", "the love of his life", "the person he wants to grow old with", yada yada yada.
Either I don''t say anything or ask him why all of the sudden he feels this way. He claims the "scales have fallen from his eyes" and that "he never understood what he had until it was threatened."
Obviously, I am skeptical and watching is actions, but my questions are 1) does he say this so I don''t leave and he is scared/manipulative or 2) is it some sort of brain chemical euphoria/reaction that he can't control & will eventually fade or 3)it is a phase that all WS go through or 4) something else?
He has never been this vocal in his love for me, so these declarations feel a bit out of place especially after him pursuing another interest.
Input? Any one else have their WS react this way? Did it last the test of time or fade?

At 7 months, it has toned down, but the message is still the same. I think IC does help to start to peel the layers back so they can learn more about themselves and why this happened. Just a heads up, but you start to learn more about the person you married. You start realizing that many of the perceptions you had were incorrect.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 4:48 PM, January 20th, 2014 (Monday)]

Bdell posted 1/21/2014 03:30 AM

Ilinia, I agree 100%. I am realizing that, in many ways, I didn't know my wife at all. This is obviously a major stumbling block to R.

ziganska posted 1/21/2014 10:08 AM

I know this is very frustrating to understand and believe and all couples are slightly different. For me, I accidentally found out about my H's A about 3 months after he ended it. After much therapy and talking, he admitted that he didn't put me first during the A (of course) but that he always felt he was getting away with it so he was having his cake and eating it too. While in the A, he was truly effed up....so far deep in this fantasy world that he couldn't find a way out...until he did and ended it. It was understanding consequences that "changed" him (and I say changed lightly). He thought that me never finding out and him ending things were enough to go on but when I found out and he saw the true pain he inflicted on me and his cowardice in action, he realized what a colossal mistake he made. I'm not defending him at all, but in my case, my H needed to experience the consequences of his actions by seeing first hand the pain he gave me in order to realize he has to change and quickly.

lordhasaplan? posted 1/21/2014 10:14 AM

I am realizing that, in many ways, I didn't know my wife at all.

yep, we have all BTDT. That is why I said my old marriage was over. It wasn't authentic, it was a sham, based on inaccurate info and deceit. I dont want that marriage. My choice to engage in a new marriage requires an authentic, transparent, healthy partner. And I evaluate these every day.

Bdell posted 1/21/2014 11:48 AM

Lord, more and more I am thinking the same thing. I wonder how many posters have divorced their WS and then reconciled, after the WS has demonstrated their renewed commitment?

Skan posted 1/21/2014 19:10 PM

Didn't divorce him, but I let him know early on that I considered that our marriage was dead. I told him that he had killed it, stabbed it through the heart and murdered it. That I considered that we were legally-bound roommates and if we were ever going to be anything other than that, then he needed to work his rear end off because otherwise, I was going to shovel the dead, stinking thing into the ground with a divorce.

We don't celebrate our anniversary. We're in our 22nd year of marriage and we don't celebrate our anniversary. I hate the calls that we get on it it's like people throwing a party on a grave. I considered divorcing him anyway and splitting everything up, and then seeing if there might be something left. Cold-bloodedly, I thought that if he killed himself or if he died, I wanted and deserved ALL of the assets, not 1/2. So I squelched filing for a divorce unless I really needed or wanted one.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy that we're still married and are back together, recovering together. I love him dearly and he loves me as well. But I will never celebrate our anniversary again. We have another date we picked out to celebrate. And that is the date that we first went to MC. That's our anniversary date now, of our new marriage, which will be 2 years old on June 14.

ILINIA posted 1/21/2014 20:26 PM

I'm in the same boat that our marriage is dead. I don't want my old marriage nor my old husband. I've told WH that we are taking a year off of our marriage. I think we both need to figure out ourselves first before we truly go 100% in to R. We have young kids so from the outside it does not look any different, but on the inside there any many more discussions, reading books, and trying to heal.

As for D then R, well I've asked that as well. Here's my post: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=503915&HL=39836

It seems it is relatively uncommon. There are a few on SI, but not many.

Bdell posted 1/22/2014 00:18 AM

I understand both of your perspectives. I'm beginning to think that it would be beneficial for BOTH of us , to step back and decide if, in fact, we are suited for each other, given the new reality. I was in love with my old wife, but I would think it only fair that I have the chance to decide if this new model is somebody I can love as passionately.