[This message edited by inshockandhurt at 4:04 PM, January 20th (Monday)]
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."
However, your own strength is what you have relied upon and I think this moment has shown you that. You said you don't feel the A defines the entirety of your M or your WH. If he continues to do what he should to R then I feel confident you will be proven right.
"Look, as sentient meat, however illusory our identities are, we craft those identities by making value judgments. Everybody judges, all the time. Now, you got a problem with that, you’re living wrong."
I don't think I ever experienced anything I would call shame. There was a time or two I felt "How could I have been so dumb not to have figured it out", but not shame.
I talked with people about it. I talked with friends, friends at work and family. I needed to talk about the pain I was feeling and didn't think that any of my friends or family would judge me.
If you can, trust in your own sense of self worth. Know that you've not done anything shameful.
I know that a lot of whether you can do that is probably just how you're built psychologically or emotionally. But, do know that you're the same person you were before he cheated and it is his shame, not yours.
hang in there
Dr Seuss can be counted on from time to time for some real words of wisdom. These might apply here.
[This message edited by WarpSpeed at 10:23 PM, January 20th (Monday)]
(ETA - Sorry for the threadjack)
[This message edited by brokendancer7 at 12:14 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]
Latest DD - April 2013, PA
The sentiment remains that the people that matter in inshockandhurt's life will support her.
Edited to add: I totally understand brokendancer pointing out that sad fact about Dr Seuss. The last thing I'd want to do is provide triggers for folks that are trying to heal.
[This message edited by WarpSpeed at 8:50 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]
It is hard for people to have access to your personal life that you didn't choose to share with them. I HATE being the subject of gossip.
On the positive side, getting the A out of the shadows and into the light forces my WH to be accountable for his choices. We have some rock solid friends who are rallying for our R. I try to look on the bright side of having that support and try to ignore that I am the subject of idle gossip. Somewhere, later along the line, I hope that maybe I can help someone IRL to get through this (because they will know I've been through it). Just a thought I have... Always trying to find a way to make lemonade...
As far as what to say.... I've shared a lot of what I've learned with my friends who really care. Shared the psychology behind A's and what we are doing positively to heal. I think I've been able to open a few people's eyes who can respect me for trying to R. It helped me feel less ashamed and more empowered.
I hope you find your own silver lining!