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inshockandhurt posted 1/20/2014 15:59 PM

On dday my WH confided in a work friend about his affair. I had caught the OW at his workplace and he had told me some lies about why she was there, but he knew he was caught and he was panicking and so he confided in this friend. Well, fast forward to 11 months later and for some reason this guy has now told another work friend who is friends with one of my friends who of course was told, she told her husband and her husband told mine. As far as I know there are only the three people at my husband's work who know, but I am worried more people will find out. Aside from the fact that I don't want the entire damn call center to know my personal business I am still dealing with trying to get over the shame I feel at being cheated on (I know I shouldn't feel this and I am working on it) and I didn't tell my friend and her husband either because I knew early on that I wanted to at least try reconciling and I didn't want to have this hanging over us at every gathering. Anyway, for some reason the fact that people have found out has brought some of the shame back and I am feeling angry and sad over that but at the same time it's funny; in telling my friend to please not judge my husband for his mistakes I feel like it has freed me to not judge our marriage by his mistake as well, almost as if in telling people I am breaking through the shame or something. I am starting to finally realize our marriage is more than just this infidelity. I hope this lasts. I am still not pleased that people were told without our consent but I am wondering if this won't be a good thing in the end. Although I do feel awkward now and am not sure what to say to my friend. Any thoughts anyone?

[This message edited by inshockandhurt at 4:04 PM, January 20th (Monday)]

Brandon808 posted 1/20/2014 22:10 PM

It is normal for many BS to feel guarded about who learns about the A. Some people are very quick to offer their opinion about how a BS should handle things (D, rugsweep, etc). You as the BS never want to feel as though you're defending your decisions. Since you are pursuing R you also don't want everyone in your world to know because it seems like it will make it that much harder to get back to some semblance of normal.

However, your own strength is what you have relied upon and I think this moment has shown you that. You said you don't feel the A defines the entirety of your M or your WH. If he continues to do what he should to R then I feel confident you will be proven right.

Ascendant posted 1/20/2014 22:19 PM

Yeah, I was one of the ones that was super careful about who I shared the affair because of shame and embarrassment...I'm always of two minds about it. Part of me wishes I had more of a support system, but every time the topic of cheating pops up and a loved one drops a, "Well, if they get away with it once, they're going to do it again..." I feel more and more sure of my decision to keep it to myself.

WarpSpeed posted 1/20/2014 22:20 PM

We all are such very different people with so many reactions to the various pains of infidelity.

I don't think I ever experienced anything I would call shame. There was a time or two I felt "How could I have been so dumb not to have figured it out", but not shame.

I talked with people about it. I talked with friends, friends at work and family. I needed to talk about the pain I was feeling and didn't think that any of my friends or family would judge me.

If you can, trust in your own sense of self worth. Know that you've not done anything shameful.

I know that a lot of whether you can do that is probably just how you're built psychologically or emotionally. But, do know that you're the same person you were before he cheated and it is his shame, not yours.

hang in there

WarpSpeed posted 1/20/2014 22:23 PM

One additional thought . . .

Dr Seuss can be counted on from time to time for some real words of wisdom. These might apply here.

[This message edited by WarpSpeed at 10:23 PM, January 20th (Monday)]

brokendancer7 posted 1/21/2014 00:13 AM

I know I am being a downer, but "Dr. Seuss" cheated on his ill wife for years, which supposedly was partly why she committed suicide. He married OW a year later.

(ETA - Sorry for the threadjack)

[This message edited by brokendancer7 at 12:14 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

WarpSpeed posted 1/21/2014 05:38 AM

Well I guess I won't use that quote anymore. Didn't know that.

The sentiment remains that the people that matter in inshockandhurt's life will support her.

Edited to add: I totally understand brokendancer pointing out that sad fact about Dr Seuss. The last thing I'd want to do is provide triggers for folks that are trying to heal.

[This message edited by WarpSpeed at 8:50 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

inshockandhurt posted 1/21/2014 15:53 PM

Grrr... Dr. Seuss too. That makes me sad, my son loves Dr. Seuss and I hope I don't trigger now knowing that. Anyway, thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I have tentative plans with my friend today and I am hoping it won't be super awkward. I know she will be supportive, I just can't help feeling like his affair has made our marriage shameful and me shameful. But I am healing I think, at least a little bit, so that's good.

cancuncrushed posted 1/21/2014 16:41 PM

Coworkers are hard to deal with. They never go away. Ow was coworker. She was very obvious and flirty, no shame. I dont know who knows, I dont know myself, for sure. But its harder, when you have to attend functions, standing by your H, wondering who knows, who gossips, who helped....Its right back in your face. IT would be so helpful to step away from their A world, but there always remnants.....somewhere. Reminders. Doubts. Questions. the rollercoaster fuel. OW is gone. BUt she leaves friends.

StillStanding1 posted 1/21/2014 16:44 PM

I hope it goes well. I had cherished friends find out via my DD to their DD and the friend immediately rallied for me. I, too, was absolutely humiliated and ashamed. And then, people continued to find out. It's really hard. Over time, though, I can tell you, as I began to really read, understand, and internalize the advice that this ISN'T a reflection on the BS -- it's the WS that's broken-- I gradually became less ashamed.

It is hard for people to have access to your personal life that you didn't choose to share with them. I HATE being the subject of gossip.

On the positive side, getting the A out of the shadows and into the light forces my WH to be accountable for his choices. We have some rock solid friends who are rallying for our R. I try to look on the bright side of having that support and try to ignore that I am the subject of idle gossip. Somewhere, later along the line, I hope that maybe I can help someone IRL to get through this (because they will know I've been through it). Just a thought I have... Always trying to find a way to make lemonade...

As far as what to say.... I've shared a lot of what I've learned with my friends who really care. Shared the psychology behind A's and what we are doing positively to heal. I think I've been able to open a few people's eyes who can respect me for trying to R. It helped me feel less ashamed and more empowered.

I hope you find your own silver lining!

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