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Is asking your WS to read on SI a valid R request?

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avicarswife posted 1/20/2014 16:17 PM

I have asked my WH to read (and post)on SI as part of our R journey.

When I review his Internet history it is clear that he reads here only once or twice each week at most. Never more than half an hour and rarely more than one or two threads. To be honest I am not actually sure he gets past the list of threads often as it seems to be just the Wayward forum index page mostly with 1 thread viewed sometimes.

From my perspective my WH will "play" with words - he will do exactly what I have asked and very little more unless it suits him. Rather than directly saying he won't do something to me he will buck at him in very PA ways. Semantics have been an issue in our relationship - I need to be very very specific.

WH has said to me he doesn't find SI helpful - he would rather read the books he has found and stick with his IC. From my perspective I can't see how he would know how helpful SI may or may not be given his limited exposure. I can read many threads before something actually "speaks" to me and helps. Besides I view SI as a community that you both give and receive from.

I am really struggling and to be honest am finding the hard work too damn hard. On getting him to read on SI I feel I may as well bash my head into a brick wall. I am getting endless cuddles (which seem to a trigger me lately), he appears to stick with his boundaries (they are written down) and apologies but that is it. I can't see any progress with us.

I have explained to WH that SI will help him with his perspective on his affairs. I think that he doesn't think what he did was as bad as many other affairs. That in some way his affairs were not as bad, more understandable (he was depressed, burnt out and under-supported in his role) and "more special" than the average and therefore SI is less valid for him.

I am interested in gaining WS and BS perspectives on the the benefits of both spouses being on SI. Is this worth pursuing or should I just leave it?

Jrazz posted 1/20/2014 16:23 PM

Crazz and I have almost exactly the same dynamic as you do when it comes to SI (he would rather read books and go to IC - and he does both in earnest). I do wish he would be on here more often - not only for the perspective but so that he wouldn't feel alone as a FWH when he's struggling.

If I bring it up he will check, but it never lasts long. We struggle with his Passive Aggressive tendencies as well, and the whole "bare minimum" effort for certain requests, but I think that in this case the online-forum medium just might not suit all people. If your WH is making strides in other venues but just not with SI, I think that's ok. It means different things to different people.

rachelc posted 1/20/2014 16:30 PM

Many have done this. The humility displayed on most of the posts on wayward can be very eye opening to many. That same humility is something BS can measure their waywards progress against. It's some of the same thoughts in " how to help your spouse...," it's imperative the wayward exhibits this quality, IMHO....

[This message edited by rachelc at 4:31 PM, January 20th (Monday)]

Sparkle0504 posted 1/20/2014 16:41 PM

My WH wont even look at the site,even though I have asked him to many times. Even if it is not helpful to HIM, he should at least have a look for ME IMO.


Morhurt posted 1/20/2014 16:42 PM

I see my H and I in your post. He too would imply that he wasn't "as bad" as other waywards (though not true at all) and that he didn't find SI helpful. Over time he's come around on that and now reads often and we discuss posts daily. He still rarely posts anything, he's very scared of wording something poorly and receiving 2x4s. He once started a post and titled it "just talking", it was about his staff party and how I felt uncomfortable with his interaction with a woman there. When I told him that his title implied that he didn't take the boundary breach seriously (hence some harsh responses) he was floored, he meant this was him "just talkng" to other SI members... Not to her. Anyway, off track there but yes, I understand your desire for him to come here and learn and share, I have it too.

CRazz posted 1/20/2014 21:04 PM

Hello I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to both post(something I told my BS I would start doing more of ) and provide a WS's view on posting on this forum(which has been hard for me to do ). Thinking back it has really been a difficult thing for me to post on this forum. It has always been helfpull, but for some reason I still feel "weird" posting. Certainly FOO issues make me feel more comfortable ignoring/not talking/not reaching out on emotional issues. Additionally it is hard to get passed letting strangers in to, or to speak to them about my personal issues. Sure, I'll strike up a conversation and talk pleasantries, but never things I was "in trouble" for or things I am ashamed of. Also it is really hard to not only be introspective, but get over my own sh!t and be a normal human being that has feelings, humility and isn't afraid of conflict.

I know this sight helps from a person to person perspective, but I've also found good resources here for books, which I've read cover to cover. Outside of SI I've been in IC for just over 2 years and I've also signed up for other classes such as Anger management. I am not perfect by any means, but I am trying. I know my BS sees and appreciates this, but also still wishes I would be more active on the SI. I am working on it, but again it isn't my first choice.

hopefully this helps shed a little light from someone who doesn't like to post much.

Getting to Happy posted 1/20/2014 21:17 PM

I guess this is a t/j but~


hopefully this helps shed a little light from someone who doesn't like to post much.

It is nice to know that you honor Jrazz enough to step out of your comfort zone to post.

That is sweet. Way to go!

~end t/j

PrideFallen posted 1/20/2014 22:36 PM

I was initially very hesitant to come to SI. My BW found the site relatively soon after D-Day and I saw it as "her place" and also as full of bitterness and hurt. I read only those threads that were sent to me or made occasional token forays onto the site.

There IS bitterness and hurt, of course; it kinda comes with what we waywards have wrought. But there's a lot of healing, grace, and compassion as well. I'm very glad that BW kept (mostly) gently prodding me toward SI, because I eventually "gave in". Once I came to it with an open mind, I immediately was drawn in and started finding value. The wayward forum is great but it's also helpful to read about BS experiences.

I wish it hadn't taken so long for me to come around.

HardenMyHeart posted 1/20/2014 22:46 PM

WH has said to me he doesn't find SI helpful - he would rather read the books he has found and stick with his IC.

That sounds reasonable to me.

I do believe it is reasonable for you to ask, but if your WH does not want to go on SI, then don't push it. My FWW did not find SI helpful either, but we were still able to successfully R.

I think overall I did most of the heavy lifting in R, but I didn't mind. I would do the research and discuss things with my wife. Doing the research taught me a lot about the psychology of affairs and how to build a better relationship. I am now more confident I can spot the red flags should they arise. I also know we now have a good relationship.

Kelany posted 1/20/2014 23:02 PM

My husband isn't not a forum type of guy, he doesn't Facebook, he's not an email type either.

He will read things I send him. He goes to therapy, SA meetings and has read books that ive asked. He communicates with me.

I'm happy as long as he's working on himself and our marriage and making progress, I don't feel the need to force him here.

WarpSpeed posted 1/20/2014 23:10 PM

I wanted my wife to post here too. She didn't embrace it. But she read loads of books and was in IC twice a week and we were in MC. A bit over a year in she started to own her actions more fully and I could start to feel the remorse. She started to heal and help me heal. That was the important part.

It might have gone quicker if she were active here. But we got there in the end. Doing the work is the most important thing.

avicarswife posted 1/21/2014 01:04 AM

Thanks for the input - I appreciate the camaraderie here.

I do get that online forums aren't helpful for everyone. It seems a bit ironic in some ways as WH has his own blog, is active (and appropriate) on facebook and twitter but is not comfortable on SI.

Thank you CRazz, it is interesting that you find the issue of letting strangers in something to get past - I am the opposite. I am so glad no one IRL knows me - no g2gs in NZ! I would never talk openly about so many issues (including sex) without feeling judged or worrying at the thought I am going to have to see them tomorrow or in church! It never occurred to me that this might be a hindrance for some.

I find the Wayward forum a huge encouragement now things aren't so raw. I watch some of the WSs there tackling issues and see the immense changes and growth in them - over time. Other WSs calling them out on things and helping them develop perspective. I guess I want my WH to benefit and receive support as I have in the JFO, general and R forums. I also think it might boost our R.

I think overall I did most of the heavy lifting in R, but I didn't mind.

I do so wish this was me - I feel I do most of it but I do mind - worse still I am feeling more resentful as time goes by.

WarpSpeed posted 1/21/2014 06:10 AM

I felt like I was doing the heavy lifting for a while too, but that is not a sustainable long term proposition.

Mine felt like a slow gradual climb. Over the course of 12 to 18 months I felt the load evening out. Do I wish it had been quicker to be balanced? No doubt. We deserve more effort from a WS in helping us heal. In my case, I can remember the actual marriage counseling session, and emotional drive home afterwards, when she finally seemed to get it and was truly remorseful. We were over a year into at that point.

Setting aside whether he participates on SI, you are closing in on three years of work and it is absolutely valid to expect that your WH would be focused on your healing, doing a lot of the heavy lifting needed and clearly showing you that he gets it.

It sounds like that might not be the case and that has to be hard. You absolutely need him to fully commit to your healing. If that doesn't feel like it is happening, have to talked to him about it?

blakesteele posted 1/21/2014 06:15 AM

I desired to have my wife post and be active on SI ....but she is not. Posted a few times but it is "my place " in her mind.

I think it a reasonable request , but not a demand for R.

I intentionally kept my R demand list adultery.

That hardly means I guarantee I will always R. What it means to me is that
1. I can't fix my wife.... An exhaustive list from me to her would indicate I had THE answers. I don't.
2. I am open to multiple paths , ways of processing (fixing)
3. There is no check list.....we will both find and make decisions on our own......"growth opportunities" in the seeking as well as in finding and applying.
4. Our R and M from this point forward is a team effort.....we share goals, success's and failures with the singular concept that we are in this together until we honestly state we are....not. Meaning we work ALL issues honestly....not every issue is a joint issue, but radical honesty is a part of what we do.

My idea of a requirement is to avoid stumbles that are so hard that R is no longer an option. For me, choosing adultery is THE stumble that I am no longer willing to "work through" again. I have eaten that shit sandwich once, ate it but didn't like it, don't make it for me again .

I will add that I am 17 months out. When I made my requirement list I was in weekly IC and my therapist helped me figure the above statements out.

Odd thing about my LACK of long R requirements is that I needed every minute detail of my wife's I am NOT a "lumper".....I like details and lists. Seems odd to me anyway.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:18 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

hitbyatruck posted 1/21/2014 06:33 AM

I never understood why my H wouldn't read here. If only to read my posts. He read shortly in 2009 and recently told me he found my posts here again. He thinks the advice/opinions here come from a place of hurt....ahhh...ya think?

He doesn't care for SI all that much.

deena04 posted 1/21/2014 11:44 AM

My husband hasn't looked at the site fully yet, but I have emailed him links to articles in the healing library that I found helpful (some from BS perspective and some from WS perspective). He does read those and has told me what he got from them to show me he read them and gets it. I am encouraging him to join the WS part as it might help him. I know this site helps me!

catlover50 posted 1/21/2014 12:21 PM

My H reads on here occasionally if I have a strong thread going or if I show him something. I find it rather amazing that he doesn't read what I'm writing more; I know myself I would be dying of curiosity if he posted here.

I talked to him about this thread and mentioned that he may gain something from the Wayward Forum.

He is a bit threatened by my time here. He knows that it has helped me a lot and that I try to help others but he feels that it is keeping the A alive in my mind.

If only it were so easy! Stop posting and stop thinking about the A!

blakesteele posted 1/21/2014 13:24 PM

I find it rather amazing that he doesn't read what I'm writing more; I know myself I would be dying of curiosity if he posted here.

me too, Catlover50

cl131716 posted 1/21/2014 16:29 PM

My WH doesn't even like that I am on here. He made an account a few weeks ago but has been too "busy" to read or post anything. I've asked him to read books or articles as well. He will listen to me read but won't seek any information himself. He says he has a different way of doing things, not sure what it is...
He attended maybe 4 IC appointments but can't afford it now and hasn't really made an effort to go back. I would rather he go to a CSAT, however. I've suggested a 12 step-program but he didn't feel comfortable with it.

I think all of the above (except maybe the 12 step unless they are an addict) should be requirements for R. It's what I expect but have yet to see.

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