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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: Do you hate the OW?
starmoonchild
♀ 39117
Member # 39117
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been feeling bad, actually, lately, for hating the OW. It has been a year since the 3rd DDay, but I still feel hatred and still call her awful names, the worst I can think of. It is usually when I'm talking to myself, but sometimes to my FWS. I have always been a "love your fellow man", "try to understand them before judging" type of person. This seems wrong in so many ways....but I can't be the only one. Is this wrong?

Posts: 83 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
dovetool
♀ 37072
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No your not alone. It's easier to direct your hate and anger at one of the two people that contributed to your hurt. Usually the one thats not living with you that gets the rage and anger. It's normal. I still hate her, had a conversation with her once, almost felt bad for her. Buut that changed back to anger quickly!


Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 68 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
fromaztowa
♀ 41880
Member # 41880
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel fine hating her. My OW thought she was "helping" WBF get over me by speaking rudely about me and making up stories. Then when I married him, she spent the next 11 years commiserating with my MIL about what a terrible person I was.

No reason for me to not hate her.

There are a lot of people who are better than me though, so kudos to you if you can not feel hate and anger if you see her face.

Typically, I don't even think about her. But when I do, I hate her.

[This message edited by fromaztowa at 5:00 PM, January 20th (Monday)]


ME: BGF/ now his DW
HIM: WBF/now my DH
Kids: 4
DD: 06/02 - on vacation in another state without me. R 09/02. Married 2003.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
eachdayisvictory
♀ 40462
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have spent a lot of time trying to get rid of that hate. I recently discussed it in IC because, like you starmoonchild, I don't like FEELING that way at ALL.

What I came up with is acceptance. I can accept that I hate right now, but understand that it may change one day. Any energy I spend thinking about her is truly wasted, and I am so tired of giving her energy after all she and fWH took from me.

It is normal. Maybe just accept yourself and the feelings you are having now? I've only been trying it for a week, and I've had some relief already.

Hugs


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 395 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I "hate" OW. I am fine with it. I don't waste time or energy on it. I don't feel bad about it. It just is. I know that one day, most likely, I will feel indifference about OW. Sometimes I do feel that way (indifference), and then I am like, "Naaw, I still hate OW, if I saw OW I would want to throat punch OW!" so, I guess I am still hating. I don't worry about it and I don't feel bad about it. I really have a hard time understanding people who feel bad about hating on someone that has hurt them so badly.

Do you hate Hitler? Do you feel bad about that?

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 5:30 PM, January 20th (Monday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 10085 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
RidingHealingRd
♀ 33867
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hate her? I wish, and continue to hope, that she will drop dead.
I have no guilt whatsoever about that.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Nov 2011
Chefj9
♀ 38604
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a brief period that I felt sorry for her. That left quickly. I loathe her with every fiber of my being.


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
deena04
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW in our case was a ONS. I hate her guts! She knew about me and knew we were having issues and told my hubby (then bf) to relax and he could do that and it would tell him if he wanted me or not. She was and is evil as far as I am concerned because she didn't care.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1307 | Registered: Dec 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 5:51 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm moving this thread as it is now nothing more than a vent thread.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 199177 | Registered: May 2002
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hated her on DD1 but now its moving to indifference...well most of the time anyway. I still have some days that I feel a strong dislike. I hate what she AND he did. I'm sure if I had to deal with her, I would feel differently but she lays low like a good slut should. I guess outta sight, outta mind. I'm good at blocking things from my head.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5276 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
emotionalgirl
♀ 40184
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was never the kind of person to hate another human being, but the OW I hate, loathe and despise her. I don't care if others think she is a nice person, to me she is nothing but a lying filthy bitch. I am also not the kind of person who wishes bad things for other people, but the OW can drop dead as far as I am concerned or her life could fall apart...anything so that I can see that karma is paying her back for her behaviour. I also have nothing nice to think or say about 2 of WH friends who know OW and knew how much time he was spending with her. I can not even be civil to them if I see them. I don't like myself much for feeling this way, but I just can't help it and my IC always told me that in order to be a healthy authentic person you have to feel what you feel and admit to it.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
sickofthelies
♀ 28566
Member # 28566
Evil  Posted: 6:13 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sure do!!!! I keep hoping she drowns in Lake Erie during one of her trips up to their camper. Yes, my FWH is the one who started this, BUT she knew exactly what she was doing. She has shown zero remorse and has walked away as if she had no hand in destroying my life.I don't need a lecture on how I'm wasting energy on hating her, right know I"m not ready to act like nothing happened.


BS-44 (me)
WS-45
Three amazing kids 20, 18 & 15.
D-day #1- EA with Bi-polar Ow Jan. 2010
D-day #2-inappropriate texts from very unattractive co-worker
Sept. 18th 2014
I'm married to a narcissistic, compartmentalizing asshat!!!!!

Posts: 272 | Registered: May 2010 | From: ohio
sickofthelies
♀ 28566
Member # 28566
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, double post

[This message edited by sickofthelies at 10:36 PM, October 7th (Tuesday)]


BS-44 (me)
WS-45
Three amazing kids 20, 18 & 15.
D-day #1- EA with Bi-polar Ow Jan. 2010
D-day #2-inappropriate texts from very unattractive co-worker
Sept. 18th 2014
I'm married to a narcissistic, compartmentalizing asshat!!!!!

Posts: 272 | Registered: May 2010 | From: ohio
AndreaL
♀ 41522
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, but I also pity her. I think she is so pathetIc and an embarrassment. To sleep with a married man, is so disgusting and low.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 262 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
starmoonchild
♀ 39117
Member # 39117
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is disgusting, pathetic, and low...and I hope I do feel indifferent to her sometime....but for now, it's hate. Do you think these women ever consider what they've done to our lives? Do they ever really know? I supposed not, unless they experience it themselves someday.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
purplejacket4
♀ 34262
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I vacillate between loathing, indifference, and pity. Mostly now indifference.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2360 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
mandala
♀ 41724
Member # 41724
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had a (very) brief moment where I felt a teeny tiny bit sorry for her, but otherwise its pretty much anger, loathing, disgust, and a desire for karma to bite her in the butt.
I really don't care how her BH treated her. I really don't care how bad her marriage was/is. I love it when I hear things aren't going well for her. I love it when shes posting in the middle of the night on facebook because she cant sleep (so I'm a stalker-sue me) .

I wish all kinds of evil on her. I hope she gets a flat tire everytime it rains. I hope her BH decides he doesn't want to forgive her. I hope when she tries to dye her hair it all falls out. I hope her new dog bites her. I hope she loses her spot teaching Sunday School because they find out that she is a cheating slut. I hope she always gets in the longest line at Wal-Mart. I hope her private info was stolen when she shopped at Target for Christmas. I hope everytime she looks at a piece of chocolate she gains five pounds. Etc and etc.
And this is not who I am. But it is who I am now.
Maybe later it will change
and yes, I know it was WH that I should be mad at, and I am, but she is such an easier target. He went along, even though she initiated.


Me: BW 50
Him: WH 50
Married 21 years
Four awesome kids
EA Began 6/2013 PA 8-9/2013 (4 meetings) DDay 9/10/2013
OW : "friend" - older, fatter and uglier than me.
Working on R

Posts: 53 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: usa
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. I don't hate her. I feel sorry for her. She was married when their A started to an abusive man, has three kids, one with special medical needs...she has no business being in a relationship right now....she is using him... at my expense...but I also feel that WH is using her, and I'm angry at him on behalf of her and her kids.

I don't hate her though. I can't stand what she did, but hating her will only eat me away inside. That whole thing about drinking poison and hoping the other person dies and all that....

I try not to spend too much time and energy on her except to pray for her...as a woman, being thankful that she is out of an abusive relationship, and as a mom, for her to have strength as she cares for her child....sometimes it's like eating nails to get the words out, but I do it....pray for my enemies is what God commands...so I do.

It's harder some days than others.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
gypsybird87
♀ 39193
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Meh.

"Hate" isn't really the right word for it. Disgust is probably closer. She knew XWH was married, she even knew me personally. She had been to our home on several occasions. She wasn't exactly a friend, but she was more than an acquaintance. How she could know me, and still do what she did, is disgusting to me.

I also feel sorry for her. I didn't know he was a lying, cheating sack of shit incapable of anything resembling honor, character, and commitment. She DID know all that, and she chose him anyway. I can't imagine being so fucked in the head that you think someone like that, like XWH is the best you can do. But for her, he probably IS the best she can do.

Now. Ask me if I hate XWH.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 1047 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone will tell you the goal is indifference.

I think that's a great goal for a WS.

I think it might be asking much of the BS.

I actually don't think of OW very often. But when I do, I don't wish her well.

I won't ever be neutral on her. It's not even a goal of mine.

But I really don't think of her often.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9146 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 117
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