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Emotional Affair?

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Devastated2014 posted 1/20/2014 17:21 PM

My husband and I have been married for 5 years, we have. 2 year old daughter, and I'm about 11 weeks pregnant. Friday night my husband came home drunk and passed out, his phone started rigging at 3 am and someone kept calling, so I went to answer it, missed the call from his old college friend, but opened a new text message from another woman. It was a naked photo. He hadn't seen it yet. Their conversation seemed fairly harmless, talking back and forth about mundane things and she had previously sent a photo from her modeling shoot that he never responded to and started talking about something else. They had met up that night and when I confronted him he admitted to hanging out with her at different bars after work when he told me he was still working and texting her a lot. After looking at the phone records, their texting started in November and minus a week and a few days here and there! they were texting everyday, at least several messages throughout the day, but over the last 3 weeks there were up to 40 texts between them in a day. He swears nothing happened between them and texted her infront of me that the naked photo was inappropriate. She apologized and hasn't contacted him since. He said that was the first time she's sent him a photo like that, but I can see on our phone records that they sent a few photos which he claims were of random things like beer, or when hew as snowboarding. It really hurts that on our 5 year wedding anniversary, he texted her all day except while we were out at dinner, and after we got home he said he had to work but was texting her. On Xmas with my family, he excused himself to take a nap but was texting her.

Once I found out, he has given me a lot of information, deleted her contact info, and sent her a message saying that he was married and that they couldn't be friends anymore since she was acting in appropriately.

I don't think he would have a reason to lie about whether or not anything physical happened since 3 years ago I had an affair and didn't tell him about it until a year later. It happened once after we had been fighting and he had said he wanted a divorce and told his parents. We ended up reconciling and I should have told him, but I didn't. I can recognize that the person I had an affair with was someone I had gotten close to for a few months, so I think that's what was happening with my husband and the OW. I can't believe whether or not something physical happened and they aren't telling me the truth, but have a gut feeling that it would have continued to escalate.

I'm trying to process through the information and my husband says he wants to move forward, but I'm scared I'm being duped.

painfulpast posted 1/20/2014 18:52 PM

3 years ago, you say your husband and you were having problems, and then you say that you had gotten close to someone else for months. Do you think this caused the problems between you and your husband?

Devastated2014 posted 1/20/2014 20:55 PM

Absolutely. I take full responsibility for my part in not supporting our marriage. My relationship with my coworker was similar to his with this woman in the sense that I kept it a secret and continued getting close to them when I should have been putting that energy into my own marriage. It's hard because the last few months I have been asking to spend time with my husband and go out or do things together and he refused and instead was going out by himself or meeting her at a bar.

StillStanding1 posted 1/20/2014 23:41 PM

Ugh. Did you both talk about your A a lot after it happened? Do you think he bottled up a lot of his feelings?

I hope you both keep talking now. Be prepared that you may not know the whole story. Although it sounds like he's taking appropriate action now.

Have you done either IC or MC? Perhaps that would be a good idea? I think you are both going to have to work through a lot of trust and boundary issues. Learning to turn toward each other and not away to someone else when the M isn't "perfect". Maybe read the 5 Love Languages and work on showing each other more love? Just some random thoughts...

Hopefully someone wiser than me will come along...

Hang in there and keep talking!!!!

Devastated2014 posted 1/21/2014 01:01 AM

We are talking and it's been pretty emotional but full of validation from both sides. We didn't initially talk about my A which is tough. It's hard to think back to it now because it was before we had kids. I'm willing to give him information now but he gets too reactive and shuts down when we talk about it.

He says that she was just someone he could text and she would always text back, but can't give specifics about what they talked about or where she works (she's a bartender and I don't ever want to run into her). I can't understand if they were just texting friends and hung out a few times why she would send him inappropriate photos. I drive myself crazy thinking about what would have happened if I hadn't seen his phone and found out.

Devastated2014 posted 1/21/2014 03:43 AM

So, things just exploded again. The OW contacted my husband and told her I was threatening her. My friend sent her a text just asking if anything happened and when she said no, thanked her for her honesty. My husband doesn't believe me and is livid that I dragged her back into our lives without telling him I contacted her. He screamed at me and told me he doesn't know if it's over between us or not. It was two texts, which I get I shouldn't have sent, but why can't he see that I am in pain from him bringing her into our lives in the first place and thought I needed that closure? He says I should have trusted him, but the trust is broken. I know I should have confided in him about contacting her, but now I feel like he's taking her side over our marriage, is this the end?

Gipper posted 1/21/2014 06:50 AM

I once read on here that women don't send nude photos to someone that they haven't sleep with, or soon plan to. Don't worry about texting her. Maybe it was a mistake, but he is choosing her feelings over yours at this point. I'd keep digging here.

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/21/2014 07:34 AM

Yeah, there's a lot more going on between these two than simple buddy-buddy texting about beer and the weather.

Honestly - if the conversation was that mundane and innocent as he'd like you to believe, why would he fake that he needed a nap on Christmas just so he could get some alone time with her? So they could text about politics? Beer? World hunger?

Would he really like you to also believe that the naked photo you found was the first one she'd ever sent? What are the chances - with ALL those texts that have been flying back and forth between these two since November - that the ONE time she sends a nude photo, you catch it?

I don't know whether he's given himself permission to break your vows because you did a couple years ago and maybe he feels entitled to do the same as you did, but no matter the reason, this is a hell of a lot more than just a buddy texting 'friendship.' A lot more.

And he has PLENTY of reason to lie about how physical it's become. He's no different than any other cheating spouse - he isn't looking to CHANGE his life, he's just looking to have some excitement on the side without being caught. Plus, why would he just HAND you the ammunition to put himself in the doghouse, or possibly face a divorce and division of financial assets when he doesn't want that? There's PLENTY of reason to lie.

Gipper (post above me) is right. Women don't chat about beer and the weather and then suddenly send nude photos of themselves. Your husband isn't telling you the whole story. I'm equally sure he knows EXACTLY where she works and isn't nearly as clueless as he'd have you believe.

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