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Working on taking back the biggest trigger

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AFrayedKnot posted 1/20/2014 18:14 PM

About 5 month after dday we went to a 12 step meeting where we were regulars and the OM was there. Seeing him for the first time since Dday sent me into the worst spiral of this journey. We decided after that to walk away from meetings and our support network in that area and start going in a neighboring town. It has been 18 months since.

We are finding the support we need there but it has been a slow process. It still does not feel like home.

Tonight we are going back to that meeting. Testing the waters. We have a plan if he is there but the anxiety is still pretty high.

Hopefully it will just be a nice visit to catch up with some old friends.

Wish us luck!!!

reallysad2012 posted 1/20/2014 18:19 PM

Good luck!

I'm happy for you that you are giving this a try. You have a plan. You can do this!!!

LosferWords posted 1/20/2014 18:23 PM

Good luck, Chicho and broevil!!!

ILINIA posted 1/20/2014 18:25 PM

Sending good vibes!

bionicgal posted 1/20/2014 18:35 PM

Chico - that is YOUR safe place. Take it back.

We are all behind you, and many of us have done similar things. If it doesn't feel better now, it will eventually.

Peace to you and broevil tonight.

authenticnow posted 1/20/2014 18:37 PM

Chicho and Broevil, you are in my thoughts tonight. I hope you find what you need back at your meeting. Good luck!

jo2love posted 1/20/2014 18:41 PM

Good luck. Sending happy vibes to you and broevil.

Joanh posted 1/20/2014 18:58 PM

Good luck to both of you.

karmahappens posted 1/20/2014 19:16 PM

Good luck to you both tonight. Laying these triggers to rest is so important.

Being able to do it together speaks volumes as to how far you have both come.

Continued strength and peace to you both.

AFrayedKnot posted 1/20/2014 20:40 PM

Thanks for the support

It went well. He was not there. There were a bunch of people who we knew. It was really nice to reconnect. After the initial scan of the room for OM it immediately felt like home.

Here is the decision. Do we start making it a regular thing? Do we let ourselves get reattached and then have to deal with him showing back up down the road?

Do we keep going where we have been going and hope it starts to feel more at home and just pop in here every once in a while as a treat?

I do know one thing. Neither of us will be going alone. We will only be doing it together.

bionicgal posted 1/20/2014 22:29 PM

We have a similar safe community place that was tainted.(actually a couple.) One is our gym. The first time we went post dday, I felt ill. . . but no AP. The second time, AP was there, and my knees knocked (literally!), but I survived. The next couple of times, lessening symptoms. And then, last weekend she and OBS set up camp a few treadmills down from us, and I felt incredulous and irritated, but no more hurt. Healing.

I know there is a difference in that you may be called upon to share in the presence of the OM, or have to hear him share (ugh!) so you can't keep a reasonable distance necessarily. But, i'd say go if it is your community, and have an exit plan should you need/want it. He only has as much power as you give him.

reallysad2012 posted 1/21/2014 10:49 AM

Glad it went well. It is a great first step.


Do we start making it a regular thing? Do we let ourselves get reattached and then have to deal with him showing back up down the road?

Do we keep going where we have been going and hope it starts to feel more at home and just pop in here every once in a while as a treat?

You could do either. If you pop in once in awhile to the homey place as a treat but make those pop-ins more and more frequent, eventually you will find yourself back there permanently. Seeing OM there will still be a worry until it happens and you see how it goes. I can't help wondering, though, if OM would find a new place to go if you guys keep going regularly.

Good luck!


AFrayedKnot posted 1/21/2014 11:22 AM

Thanks Bionic and Reallysad

He only has as much power as you give him.

Much easier said than done. But I'm working on it.

I can't help wondering, though, if OM would find a new place to go if you guys keep going regularly.

Maybe but I doubt it. When we ran into him and I confronted him 18 months ago he had no embarrassment or remorse. I was still in a bargaining stage and asked him to give us 2 meetings a week and he could have free run of the other 31 and his reply was "Absolutely not, these things happen and you just have to get over it"

reallysad2012 posted 1/21/2014 11:59 AM

I was still in a bargaining stage and asked him to give us 2 meetings a week and he could have free run of the other 31 and his reply was "Absolutely not, these things happen and you just have to get over it"

Sorry you are dealing with this. I think you are handling it well, though.

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