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Separate bedrooms??

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stupidgirlme posted 1/20/2014 19:03 PM

WH has ben caught again. This time it's a slut at work and they aren't doing ANYTHING, of course, it's only playful, harmless fun and flirting. I'm sure her husband might disagree just like I do.

Anyway, when he offered to sleep in the other room before, I didn't like the idea because to me it means there is really no reason to work on the relationship and that you are 'separated', at least unofficially in some way. And also, my over-active imagination can practicallly hear them whispering into his new cell phone that I'm supposed to not know about.

I am now beginning to wonder if maybe we should have different rooms, but still feel that it is a bad thing in ways. I am still holding out for reconciling, and divorce isn't even a thought right now, so I really do want to make this work, and I know he does in many ways as well.

I would love to hear any and all comments on this matter, whether it is something you have done or not, just any input. I'd also be interested in hearing from both sides of the coin, so welcome former wanderers, too.

Thank you for the help!!

Brandon808 posted 1/20/2014 21:29 PM

The only point at which I was in separate bedrooms was when the relationship was slowly disintegrating. I know it may help with some relationships to get that distance because things are raw, but I don't see that as being helpful a majority of the time.

tushnurse posted 1/20/2014 21:39 PM

I felt at times prior to DDay that some distance would have helped but he was gone at least 2 nights a week to begin with, of course I didn't knOw for sure or have proof but with his AP. if he is asking for the space be cautious of his desire to R or continuing his A.

Distance in the part of the ws indicates a red flag to me.

cantgetup posted 1/20/2014 21:51 PM

Caught again as in what? This isn't his first A? His one A never ended? My response would vary depending on what this meant, but in either case, for me, he would be out of the bedroom--the house--and the marriage.

Scubachick posted 1/21/2014 04:16 AM

My husband and I have had seperate bedrooms for over 10 of the 17 years we've been married. We sleep better like that. People think we are weird....and they're right.

I would be paranoid and think they were in there talking on the phone too, if I didn't see his phone bill and get all his texts on my ipad. I don't think flirting is ever harmless. It's disrespectful at the very least.

I've sent him to a hotel twice because we were arguing so much that I was upset 24/7 and I don't like my son to see me like that. It does bother me when my wh offers to leave because I can't help but think he must want to leave or he wouldn't have suggested it. Does it bother you to have your husband sleep in the same bed as you right now?

Justgreatnews posted 1/21/2014 06:46 AM

I've headed off to the couch or spare room a few times since DDay because I'll be lying awake, angry in our bed.

I've felt that getting away will (and has) helped me get some sleep.

My wife said it felt like I was punishing her. Once I tried to explain that it was just so I could get away from her, as she was a reminder and source of anger, so I could sleep.

The last time I got up to leave I told her if she felt this was punishment, my mind punishes me more in five minutes than she's felt her whole life.

solus sto posted 1/21/2014 07:52 AM

If he's in the midst of another affair, using a secret cell phone, then YES--I'd go the separate bedroom route.

A bit of distance will permit YOU to more clearly assess the situation and make a more clear-headed decision about whether this is a person with whom you wish to spend the rest of your life.

In the Healing Library (in the yellow box to the upper left), go to FAQs for BSs. #11 addresses the 180. It is a great tool for helping you gain perspective and strength. It's not intended, really, to change WS behavior, but when the WS is confronted with the reality of loss, it sometimes does open their eyes to what they are doing.

7yrsflushed posted 1/21/2014 09:34 AM

When I started sleeping in the other bedroom it was over. I was completely done with STBXWW and essentially doing in house S until she moved out.

I am still holding out for reconciling, and divorce isn't even a thought right now, so I really do want to make this work, and I know he does in many ways as well.


You can't reconcile by yourself and from your post your WH is actively involved in another A. Even if it's an EA right now, the fact that he has a secret phone, doesn't have the slightest clue about boundaries means he isn't in R at all. You are in R by yourself and he is cake eating. He doesn't want to make it work or he would be in IC, not talking to other women, not have a secret phone that he is hiding from you, and not cake eating like crazy. I would say that you do in fact need to sleep in separate rooms and you need to start a hard 180 so YOU can figure out what YOU want out of life because you can't control your WH, you can only control yourself.

million tears posted 1/21/2014 14:01 PM

Separate rooms and the 180 helped my WH see the light, so to speak.

1bigidiot79 posted 1/21/2014 14:41 PM

WS here. I usually try to abstain from posting in the general forum and stick to the wayward forum but this topic interests me because I am currently sleeping in the spare bedroom and have been since DDay 6 months ago.

I would like to hear everyone's opinion on this as my BS and I are working at resolving/reconciling and trying to move forward. I was asked to sleep in the other room from day one and never questioned it. I was just thankful to not have to leave the house. However, we have never actually discussed how long I would stay there or if there is a chance of me coming back to her bedroom.

We interact on a very friendly basis. Her anger is all but gone and she has even told me that she is starting to feel different just in the last few weeks. We have not been intimate at all with not even the most basic physical touches.

My question, is at what point do I bring this up for discussion? I have not rushed her to do anything and I have told her repeatedly that I will be here for her when she is ready.

Just wondering how far we can really move forward if we are still "separated" in the same house?

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