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Newest Member: HeartbrokenQueen

Just Found Out :
Is this common?

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 loba1957 (original poster member #41281) posted at 1:04 AM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

My wife tells me that in the beginning stages of her A she would text her AP pics of her. Almost all of them were nudes. She told me the comments he would give her every time she sent a pic made her feel sexy, excited, wanted, etc. That was what she became addicted to...that high from having someone new tell her exactly what she wanted/needed to hear. She told me at the same time she did not feel good enough for me, she did not deserve me. She did not believe the things I would tell her because I was her husband and HAD to say those things.

My question is is this a line of BS or is this somewhat common in As?

Of course the A progressed to a PA. It lasted almost 18 months and it ended when she confessed to both me and her APs wife.

ME: Madhatter 58
(DDay for her A Oct 2013)
HER: Madhatter 38
(DDay for my A May 2009)

We have been together since 2003
We have 4 children

posts: 77   ·   registered: Nov. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Az
id 6648561
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NJdadof4 ( new member #40817) posted at 2:06 AM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

Who knows for sure. What I've learned is that when my WW's lips are moving, she's lying. But assuming yours is telling the truth, she's saying she didn't cheat because of YOU, she cheated because of HER. Whether they admit it or not, I believe that's the case 100% of the time. You could be the nicest guy in the world, or the world's biggest prick. It's irrelevant. People cheat as a personal choice. It happens in great marriages, bad marriages, and in in-between marriages. When opportunity meets desire, an affair will happen.

I meant it when I said for richer and for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others until death do we part.

Me: BH, 46
Her: WW, 43
Married 2005
DD1: 8/18/2013
DD2: 11/22/2013

posts: 32   ·   registered: Sep. 28th, 2013   ·   location: NJ
id 6648628
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brokenblackbird ( member #29541) posted at 2:19 AM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

Yes, its common. Its the affair high.

Its why they think they lurve their affair partner.

Why did she send nude pics and think that getting validation from some stranger was exciting? Who knows.

posts: 1455   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2010
id 6648649
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aero1122 ( member #41575) posted at 2:27 AM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

That's exactly what my WH has said. He liked the attention he was receiving from her and that it was a high for him.

I wasn't giving him enough attention at home with all the real life stuff (kids, work etc.)

Me-35
WH-36
Together 18 years
Married 7 years
2 kids
D-day 12-7-13
Both currently in counseling
Trying to R

I am a warrior!
I will survive and thrive!

posts: 108   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2013
id 6648659
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TrustedHer ( member #23328) posted at 2:33 AM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

She did not believe the things I would tell her because I was her husband and HAD to say those things.

I got some variation of this.

Step back and see what this is really saying: "I don't value your opinion." "I think you're a liar." "I'd rather get validation from strangers."

Good on her for ending it the way she did, and for telling you the painful truth.

My recommendations to all newbies:

Drink water, read the Healing Library, get counseling. Individual (IC) for yourself, and if you choose to offer the gift of R, MC for the both of you. But first, your WS needs IC to get her head on straight.

Good luck!

Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

posts: 5942   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2009   ·   location: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
id 6648665
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Newme123 ( member #41119) posted at 3:40 AM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

I'm the bs so I can't comment about the wayward part but I've felt and said and thought the same to my husband even before dday. He had to say I was beautiful or looked nice because he was my husband. It is something I'm working on because it has to do with my own feelings of self worthlessness.

Me-BS 33, him-WH 31
Dday 10-30-12 the day before Halloween
Married 10 yrs
DS-14, DD-9, DS-2, DD-5m
Currently trying to R

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Texas
id 6648749
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StillStanding1 ( member #40144) posted at 3:57 AM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

Totally agree with newme123. That's me in a nutshell too.

But I've heard that the scenario describe is very common WS thinking. The BS's compliments somehow don't carry the same weight as some outsider who isn't "obligated" to say nice things to you.

I know... It's enough to make you crazy. Maybe we should all just stop trying to understand what goes on in the mind of a WS. I've pondered for a year already.... I wonder if I'm getting anywhere....

Me: BS50s Him: WH50s
M 25 years - DD DS DS
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday - 2/13, S for 1 year, now R

posts: 1632   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 6648764
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hardtotake ( member #38172) posted at 5:31 AM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

My WW also sent nudes to her affair partner. That is how I caught on. I came home one day unexpectedly for lunch and she had her hair and make up done but couldn't give me a reason why. I snooped and found the nudes on her private email. I think it's all about validation - the emotional high of being desired by another. It may also be about keeping the AP hooked. My WW's POS was in his 20's and ten years younger.

[This message edited by hardtotake at 11:32 PM, January 20th (Monday)]

Me: BS
Her: WS

posts: 106   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2013   ·   location: NYC
id 6648855
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Uhtred ( member #40392) posted at 5:51 AM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

Are you sure we're not married to the same woman? My wife's story word for word.

Me: BH 38years old DDay 4-29-13Her: FWW 39

posts: 669   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2013   ·   location: Houston, Texas
id 6648866
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