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Contacting the W's family?

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norabird posted 1/20/2014 19:07 PM

I am guessing that 'no contact' includes 'don't call his mom and explain the break-up to her'?

I think I am really angry at myself right now for having trusted my exWBF that he was remorseful, he wanted to address the underlying issues, it was different this time, he was in IC, he wasn't seeing the OW (or having ONS)...I look back and think how did I buy that, even though I know it's because he was a convincing liar while I was being genuine.

Rather than feel angry and disappointed in myself I just want to lash out somehow. He is not close to his mom really and I know she was concerned about the breakup and wanted us to R. And I just want to tell someone who will listen and is still in his life that he has done something terrible and hurtful and selfish before I delete her number! I have wanted to contact the OW too (who didn't know about our relationship), but I KNOW that is a path I will regret taking.

It is also possible that, while I have closed the door in my mind to being with him, I still have concern for him and can't act on it...yes, he is a f-up, but he was a f-up I loved and however reprehensibly he behaved, he has a lot of issues and deep unhappiness and discontent with himself driving his actions. I may be feeling sad and sometimes lost, but I know I understand and love myself and will have a good life! Maybe part of wanting to call her is wanting someone to try and help him. Even though--that is his job, and he does NOT need my compassion after disrespecting me and dragging the second chance I have him through the muck and worse.

It's just hard to have no way to broadcast to the world the wrong that has been done to me, or to keep him from still enjoying the benefits of his few remaining relationships.

I should probably relax because knowing him, they'll be sabotaged soon enough anyway. But part of me wants to give in and let myself indulge one of my impulses. I do dream of moving the bed out when I take my stuff to my next permanent place...I abandoned mine when I moved in, and thinking about the shock (and the loss of a place to sleep with those ONS') gives me a small sense of satisfaction.

[This message edited by norabird at 7:28 PM, January 20th (Monday)]

RealityStinks posted 1/20/2014 22:19 PM

Norabird -
Been there, done that. She is his mom. She will take his side.

I regretted telling her mom because it did not help anything and made me feel worse.

Take the high road and move on. The feeling you'll have later knowing you did the right thing will outweigh the tempororary high you get from outting hIm now.

You can not fix him. Only he can. Focus on you and move on.

Hang in there.

scarednbroken posted 1/20/2014 22:47 PM

I agree. No matter how estranged. Most moms will take their boys' side. My WH is a mommas boys to the core. She squawks and he jumps. She sold her house before having a new place - guess where she moves in at? Yup. Here. She stupidly tries to climb over a baby gate rather than take it down and replace, falls, is laid up.... Who takes care of her? Me. Who gets the credit? Him. "My son takes me in, takes care of me, he's such an angel!!" He's a hero in his family bc he rescued quilts from a greedy aunt.... He's the perfect person... It is sooooo tempting to tell them what he has done. But I know they will say I drove him to it. I'm too critical of him...etc. actually I worshipped the ground he walked on up until I found out he didn't love me enough to be faithful. I'm sure that No matter how much evidence I show his mother she will find a way to blame me. It is one of the reasons I have waited so long. I don't want to lose every friend and relative
I have... Because he messed up and he won't be held responsible.

If he is aware that he needs help he will seek it. You need to take care of you. Make sure you can heal separate yourself from the damage he has done to you.

Hugs to you.

iamsoblind42 posted 1/20/2014 23:01 PM

I agree. His family WILL TAKE HIS SIDE no matter how horrible the situation is, no matter how close to his family you are. You can read my story to know. I told my WH sister as I thought she could help him, not for me but for our kids. She was so understanding that day; that phone call. Since then she responds to nothing, completely cut me off. Don't cause yourself added pain.

TooAloof posted 1/20/2014 23:18 PM

I know how you feel. I didn't tell my in-laws what was happening. (we don't live in the same area) They are very religious, and would have dis-owned him. Seriously; his sister did the same thing (cheated on her H and dumped him for OM) a few years later, and they won't talk to her. Actually moved away so as not to have to see her and bump into her. Their own daughter.
I didn't want to do that to them, or him (I disagree with their opinions and beliefs, but I knew telling them would have ended their relationship)...And he was already about to lose a lot (even if he didn't realize it at the time).

It sucks, because a few years later I get the pleasure of seeing eX-WH and OW at their 50th anniversary, and OW is all BFF with my former MIL and sisters in law...(This all on facebook, mind you).
It burns me up, knowing that if I had spilled when it was going on, they would have hated OW and never would have had a thing to do with her or eX-WH.

As mad as I am, and however unfair it is, I still think I made the best decision for me, by not telling them. I really loved his family, and didn't want to cause them heartache. it's kind of twisted, but there you have it.

I don't have any advice, sorry.
It's so frustrating.
The truth has a way of coming out, though, one way or the other. Maybe they'll find out someday.


totallyconfused1 posted 1/21/2014 06:22 AM

I probably wouldn't go out of my way to say anything, but if it was asked of me by my MIL I would probably say you would leave it to her son to explain why you weren't able to R.

You said they are not close, so chances are she knows he has some issues. I know if ws and I ever D, my MIL will know he f'd up as she thinks I'm wonderful.

norabird posted 1/21/2014 21:16 PM

All of this advice was great (of course!) but I couldn't get the itch to go away so I gave in (also of course!) and texted a short 'things didn't work out, wanted to say goodbye and wish you well' message to his mom. I was surprised that she wrote back right away to say she was sorry to hear it, had last heard at Christmas that we were doing well and working things out; tht the family thought I was wonderful and just what he needed, and they appreciated my trying to build his ties with his family, that she had wanted to reach out before and was there if I needed to talk. It was so nice that I decided I would call--the poor woman gets next to no info from her son. We talked haltingly for half an hour and it was actually kind of clarifying for me. I didn't say anything unnecessarily cruel (didn't even bother mentioning the cheating), but said I hoped he could find help, know himself, grow one day; while she really just seemed at her wit's end that he won't commit, doesn't open up to his family, values career success but isn't building relationships to keep a balanced life. I have never liked his lack of active engagement with his family but having his mom of all people basically say 'I don't know what's wrong with him', was a good reminder that this is not someone to regret losing. Having her tell me that he really loved me and was upset at our first separation and wanted to be with me was also kind of useful to hear--having the depth of his self-deception sink in, that he was talking the talk of loving me to not just me but his family at the same time he was lying and betraying me. It helped the crazy disconnect inside of him sink in, and his real dysfunctionality to shine through.

I also ended up having my sister-in-law contact the main woman he cheated on me with, who I really think knows nothing or only twisted half-truths about my existence. I think it's better that I didn't write her, but also that she deserved to know he was deceiving her. I can't control what she does with that information but at least I'm not still doing my exWBF the favor of keeping mum about his manipulation of someone else. A friend asked if I have a plan if he lashes out at me on anger for the contact from my SIL...I don't really, but what else can he do to me? Be vicious and remind me that I need to move on ASAP? Concoct more blame shifting?

Went to see friends after the phone call with his mom and one opened up about disliking my ex the first and only time they met. So strangers hate him, his mom doesn't even feel capable of defending him and regrets how he behaves and thinks (who he is basically, without even knowing how f-ed up his behavior was)...I guess this is the benefit of waking up and finding the person you loved is a probable sociopath, suddenly the mask is gone and what's left isn't likable much less lovable. Yet I was capable of meaning it when I told his mom that I hope he figures himself out--someone so pathetic won't in the end be worth my hatred. Just my contempt and pity. Honestly, his mom is going to have to face his disappointing her emotionally for her whole life, while I'm free!

Ellejay posted 1/22/2014 00:37 AM

Stay silent for now with no contact with his Mom or extended family. Sometimes less is more as I have discovered. Let them do the work to find out what happened.

You will end up giving away so much of yourself to his family in an attempt to get support from them only to end up being hurt because they will feel obligated to give their support to him despite his appalling behavior. He will find a way to twist things in his favour anyway.

They will no truth but will probably never admit it to you because very few mothers want to admit that their sons are dickheads.

Just spend the time preserving your energy for yourself because you are going to need every bit of it.

Hugs to you

Love EJ

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