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Not feeling "safe"

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Childoftheking posted 1/20/2014 19:42 PM

Not physically....but ever since dday, even though things are going extremely well for us, I don't feel "safe" or secure in our relationship like I used to. Before this, there was never a doubt in my mind that we would be together forever...and I'm not even sure it's that that I'm doubting because if we can make it through this, I truly believe we can make it through anything. My H has been a model, remorseful, loving spouse since dday. He tells me he has never loved me so much in his life, that his purpose in this life is to do whatever he needs to to make me happy, and his actions match his words. Why am I still feeling this way? Maybe it's because my previous naive "this man would never hurt me" mentally is shattered?

unfound posted 1/20/2014 20:45 PM

totally get the "safe" thing. It was something we talked about a lot.

it takes so little to shatter something, but so long to rebuild it. Even then, it's never the same. That safe feeling can return, but for me, it's different now. While I feel safe with him, I feel safer, more confident in myself than I ever did. That naivete is gone, and that's not a bad thing, but a realistic, empowering thing.

boontje posted 1/20/2014 21:48 PM

Your dday is so recent. Be gentle on yourself, it takes a lot of time to rebuild what has been shattered. I am on the five year plan apparently. The one day at a time attitude has helped me. That, and accepting the fact that I will never see my H with the same eyes and will probably never trust him 100% again. If your H is truly remorseful, the trust will be rebuilt. Hang in there ((cotk))

Kelany posted 1/20/2014 22:04 PM

You are only three months out. It takes time to rebuild trust, security, safety and even then we know it isn't 100% anymore.

The healing process is long and you will have these moments and that is okay.

ItsaClimb posted 1/21/2014 06:01 AM

I can totally relate to this not feeling "safe" thing. I think for me, the insecurity is based on the fact that I now know what my husband is capable of. I now know that he is capable of betrayal, deceit, lying and cruelty of the kind that I never dreamt he would even consider. And although he now vows he would never do such a thing ever again, in the back of my mind I will always know that if he got the urge, he is capable of doing all those things again.

It's not the fear of him having another affair that gets me down so much (although it does worry me obviously!) it's the knowledge that he is capable of totally disregarding me, our family and his morals in order to get what he wants if the urge takes him. That's a scary thing to live with!

He is working hard to restore my faith in him but I think I am going to have to accept that there will always be this layer of insecurity in our relationship going forward. I think I will probably always be a little nervous that one day he might slip back into his old ways.

Skan posted 1/21/2014 19:01 PM

It's taken a long time for me to feel safe with my FWH again. For the longest time, my house, formerly my home, wasn't safe for me, my bedroom wasn't safe, my bed wasn't safe. After some pretty horrific stuff in my life, I had come to find safety in my "home," my room, my bed, and with my FWH. And it was all shattered.

His actions broke my trust. My feeling of personal safety was shattered. The person who was supposed to have my back left me unguarded in a place where monsters lurk. In my really bad nights, I would curl up in a corner, surrounded by pillows, with a knife trying to protect myself, to convince myself that I was "safe." It took a lot of my MCs time to start getting my head on straight. I had to dig deeply to find my way to the bottom of all of this un-safeness. I had to become my own safety and learn that I was responsible for it. And thank God I did, because when he was caught out in his continuing lies, I was able to keep my safety inside myself. It wasn't dependent upon him anymore and it never will be again.

The lesson I had to learn was that I was responsible for my mental and spiritual safety my wholeness. No one else. Tough lesson. Utterly necessary, though.

rachelc posted 1/21/2014 20:00 PM

The lesson I had to learn was that I was responsible for my mental and spiritual safety my wholeness. No one else. Tough lesson. Utterly necessary, though.

So true!
Child- you can do this!!!

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