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Newest Member: bflyhigh (61471)

User Topic: Not feeling "safe"
♀ 41234
Member # 41234
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not physically....but ever since dday, even though things are going extremely well for us, I don't feel "safe" or secure in our relationship like I used to. Before this, there was never a doubt in my mind that we would be together forever...and I'm not even sure it's that that I'm doubting because if we can make it through this, I truly believe we can make it through anything. My H has been a model, remorseful, loving spouse since dday. He tells me he has never loved me so much in his life, that his purpose in this life is to do whatever he needs to to make me happy, and his actions match his words. Why am I still feeling this way? Maybe it's because my previous naive "this man would never hurt me" mentally is shattered?

ME: 31, WH: 31, Married: 13 years, 4 amazing kids
DD: Oct 2, 2013- 2 month EA/PA while deployed.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

Posts: 33 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

totally get the "safe" thing. It was something we talked about a lot.

it takes so little to shatter something, but so long to rebuild it. Even then, it's never the same. That safe feeling can return, but for me, it's different now. While I feel safe with him, I feel safer, more confident in myself than I ever did. That naivete is gone, and that's not a bad thing, but a realistic, empowering thing.

Kids on the playground can be so cruel. “Get off the swings you’re like 50, and stop talking about Soundgarden, we don't even know what that is."

Posts: 14938 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
♀ 33247
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your dday is so recent. Be gentle on yourself, it takes a lot of time to rebuild what has been shattered. I am on the five year plan apparently. The one day at a time attitude has helped me. That, and accepting the fact that I will never see my H with the same eyes and will probably never trust him 100% again. If your H is truly remorseful, the trust will be rebuilt. Hang in there ((cotk))

Me: BS
Dday: June 2011

Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don't have the strength.

--Theodore Roosevelt

Posts: 1359 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are only three months out. It takes time to rebuild trust, security, safety and even then we know it isn't 100% anymore.

The healing process is long and you will have these moments and that is okay.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can totally relate to this not feeling "safe" thing. I think for me, the insecurity is based on the fact that I now know what my husband is capable of. I now know that he is capable of betrayal, deceit, lying and cruelty of the kind that I never dreamt he would even consider. And although he now vows he would never do such a thing ever again, in the back of my mind I will always know that if he got the urge, he is capable of doing all those things again.

It's not the fear of him having another affair that gets me down so much (although it does worry me obviously!) it's the knowledge that he is capable of totally disregarding me, our family and his morals in order to get what he wants if the urge takes him. That's a scary thing to live with!

He is working hard to restore my faith in him but I think I am going to have to accept that there will always be this layer of insecurity in our relationship going forward. I think I will probably always be a little nervous that one day he might slip back into his old ways.

BS 49
Together 32 yrs, M 28 years
2 daughters 27yo(married with 2 children) & 21yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's taken a long time for me to feel safe with my FWH again. For the longest time, my house, formerly my home, wasn't safe for me, my bedroom wasn't safe, my bed wasn't safe. After some pretty horrific stuff in my life, I had come to find safety in my "home," my room, my bed, and with my FWH. And it was all shattered.

His actions broke my trust. My feeling of personal safety was shattered. The person who was supposed to have my back left me unguarded in a place where monsters lurk. In my really bad nights, I would curl up in a corner, surrounded by pillows, with a knife trying to protect myself, to convince myself that I was "safe." It took a lot of my MCs time to start getting my head on straight. I had to dig deeply to find my way to the bottom of all of this un-safeness. I had to become my own safety and learn that I was responsible for it. And thank God I did, because when he was caught out in his continuing lies, I was able to keep my safety inside myself. It wasn't dependent upon him anymore and it never will be again.

The lesson I had to learn was that I was responsible for my mental and spiritual safety my wholeness. No one else. Tough lesson. Utterly necessary, though.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10056 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The lesson I had to learn was that I was responsible for my mental and spiritual safety my wholeness. No one else. Tough lesson. Utterly necessary, though.

So true!
Child- you can do this!!!

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 7

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