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Just Found Out :
Keeps getting worse

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 peoplepleaser (original poster member #41535) posted at 2:10 AM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

WS keeps pulling me into conversations, then gets mad at me for talking because I'm just trying to make her feel bad. She then uses these "talks" as a platform for attacking me about how horrible I was to her, how if I'd treated her better she wouldn't have cheated, and last night horrible stuff. She's become mean and spiteful. We are in-house separated. I told her I didn't want to talk about the relationship except in front of a professional, but I get pulled in when she is kind. Then she turns and gets mean. I know I have to stop giving in to it, and I will. I'm just so devastated. I can't believe that this person I'm looking at that used to look at me with so much compassion and love is now filled with such hate and anger toward me. It's heartwrenching.

XWS: 40
BS: 40
DS: 7
9 year relationship
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013 with TT
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011 with TT
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

posts: 967   ·   registered: Dec. 4th, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 6648633
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norabird ( member #42092) posted at 2:16 AM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

I am so sorry she keeps pulling the rug out from under you. I felt this too in my interactions with my ex--I wish I had found this site at the beginning so I could have had the tools to stay out of touch and get distance. But it is so hard when you are looking for the person you loved and trusted, and are so eager to hang onto the love you remember and miss.

Just try not to accept the tables being turned on you--what awful blame-shifting! I hope you can find more strength soon to resist being pulled in--and when you find that strength, let me know where it is!

(((hugs)))

Sit. Feast on your life.

posts: 4324   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2014   ·   location: NYC
id 6648644
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gonnabe2016 ( member #34823) posted at 3:17 AM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

WS keeps pulling me into conversations, then gets mad at me for talking because I'm just trying to make her feel bad.

Yea, that sucks.

If it's any consolation, though, you will eventually get to the point where you *know* how that conversation is going to end up and you won't even bother *going there.*

My stbx would know that he had something *up* on the horizon and he'd begin being *nice* to me (ya know, he'd go at least 5 text conversations without calling me a freeloader ).....I'd *fall* for it and think that the fucked up guy was actually making an effort to co-parent with me....and then BAM!!!!, he'd blindside me.

You'll get to the point where you will recognize when the *pattern* is in play and you'll say "Nope, not playing today because you really are a fucked-up pup and I need to go BOWLING with my buds."

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

posts: 9241   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2012   ·   location: Midwest
id 6648714
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caregiver9000 ( member #28622) posted at 4:04 AM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

attacking me about how horrible I was to her, how if I'd treated her better she wouldn't have cheated,

1. This is very common wayward behavior.

2. IN NO WAY does the cheating fall on you.

This is not your fault, you didn't do or not do anything that turned her into a cheater.

(((hugs)))

Me: fortysomething, independent, happy,
XH "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
two kids, teens. Old enough I am truly NO CONTACT w/ NPD zebraduck
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

posts: 7063   ·   registered: May. 27th, 2010   ·   location: a better place
id 6648775
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damaged71 ( member #36004) posted at 1:07 PM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

You were in the same marriage yet you didn't cheat... curious isn't it.

Also, if this was your fault you should have had a decision in it. Did you get a call asking permission before "it" happened? Didn't think so.

Sounds like she is re-writing the marital history to justify her actions. They will brainwash themselves.

My wife did the same. I spent 20 years providing for her every need. Yet... my behavior drove her to this.

I don't drink, smoke, cuss, go out with the boys and make six over 6 figures a year. I'm a real monster, right?

I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

posts: 377   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: damaged71
id 6649042
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nekorb ( member #40306) posted at 1:52 PM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

I'm sorry.

I agree with the others that you will learn not to engage. Can you establish some sort of rule for yourself to help you? Like a standard response that you will give if she tries to hook you into a convo?

WP: you know, if you had treated me better I wouldn't have cheated.

You: I'm not discussing this now. Our next counseling appt is (insert date). I will be open to discussing your concerns at that time.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

posts: 5796   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2013
id 6649108
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stronger08 ( member #16953) posted at 2:06 PM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

180 180 180 180 180 180 180 180 180 180

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

posts: 6851   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2007
id 6649131
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Merlin ( member #30221) posted at 2:39 PM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

The 180 is for you so that you can focus on yourself, help yourself to feel better and decide what is best for you going forward.

If you continue to engage your partner, expect new hurts. Is that what you want? It must be because you continue to do the same thing yet expect a different outcome.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

posts: 1164   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2010   ·   location: East Coast
id 6649170
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Brandon808 ( member #35619) posted at 2:54 PM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

When you see behavior so uncharacteristic it is natural to look for any sign that the "real WS" will return. Any sign of compassion and understanding is hope that they are coming around.

In that sense you gave your WP several chances to change but she has not taken them. I agree with the others. You need to 180. That doesn't mean you are absolutely and permanently giving up on your WP, which mentally would be a big step. It means putting yourself first. Focus on you, not her.

p.s. The anger and hate is typically the WS projecting their feelings about themselves onto others. The A is a fantasy and reality holds them accountable for their actions. They don't do well with that and tend to resent the people who inspire guilt and shame in them.

posts: 4634   ·   registered: May. 20th, 2012
id 6649186
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 peoplepleaser (original poster member #41535) posted at 7:09 PM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

That's totally it. She shows her soft side and I truly want to see the person I fell in love with. She came back and apologized. Said she really sorry for what she said, and feels so full of shame for what she did that she can barely breathe. But that she's holding onto the anger so she doesn't fet swept back into me walking all over her. I said that's fine. But I need distance and I can't sit and wait for you to show you care about how horribly you hurt me. You don't get to hurt me any more.

XWS: 40
BS: 40
DS: 7
9 year relationship
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013 with TT
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011 with TT
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

posts: 967   ·   registered: Dec. 4th, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 6649610
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whattheh ( member #40032) posted at 11:28 PM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

Tell her the cheating is all on her. She didn't ask your opinion and had no right to go outside the marriage for any reason.

And if she tries to rewrite your marital history just tell her you were there and knew what happened in the marriage. Also tell her she conspired with someone else against you and noone in a committed relationship deserves that type of treatment for any reason.

She will make no progress until she fully accepts resonsibilty and stops making excuses for her poor choices and behavior. They are entirely her responsibilty. She needs to get that and own it IMHO.

Retired & now in 60's-M 39 Yrs-DD 2013-TT for 3 yrs (new details incl there had been 3 more MOWs)--all this started with porn use for mid 50s WH (felt he was possessed)~~Cheating and aftermath is huge time waste with high opportunity cost~~

posts: 1547   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 6650045
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