"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

peoplepleaser posted 1/20/2014 20:10 PM

WS keeps pulling me into conversations, then gets mad at me for talking because I'm just trying to make her feel bad. She then uses these "talks" as a platform for attacking me about how horrible I was to her, how if I'd treated her better she wouldn't have cheated, and last night horrible stuff. She's become mean and spiteful. We are in-house separated. I told her I didn't want to talk about the relationship except in front of a professional, but I get pulled in when she is kind. Then she turns and gets mean. I know I have to stop giving in to it, and I will. I'm just so devastated. I can't believe that this person I'm looking at that used to look at me with so much compassion and love is now filled with such hate and anger toward me. It's heartwrenching.

norabird posted 1/20/2014 20:16 PM

I am so sorry she keeps pulling the rug out from under you. I felt this too in my interactions with my ex--I wish I had found this site at the beginning so I could have had the tools to stay out of touch and get distance. But it is so hard when you are looking for the person you loved and trusted, and are so eager to hang onto the love you remember and miss.

Just try not to accept the tables being turned on you--what awful blame-shifting! I hope you can find more strength soon to resist being pulled in--and when you find that strength, let me know where it is!

(((hugs)))

gonnabe2016 posted 1/20/2014 21:17 PM

WS keeps pulling me into conversations, then gets mad at me for talking because I'm just trying to make her feel bad.

Yea, that sucks.
If it's any consolation, though, you will eventually get to the point where you *know* how that conversation is going to end up and you won't even bother *going there.*
My stbx would know that he had something *up* on the horizon and he'd begin being *nice* to me (ya know, he'd go at least 5 text conversations without calling me a freeloader ).....I'd *fall* for it and think that the fucked up guy was actually making an effort to co-parent with me....and then BAM!!!!, he'd blindside me.

You'll get to the point where you will recognize when the *pattern* is in play and you'll say "Nope, not playing today because you really are a fucked-up pup and I need to go BOWLING with my buds."

caregiver9000 posted 1/20/2014 22:04 PM

attacking me about how horrible I was to her, how if I'd treated her better she wouldn't have cheated,

1. This is very common wayward behavior.

2. IN NO WAY does the cheating fall on you.

This is not your fault, you didn't do or not do anything that turned her into a cheater.

(((hugs)))

damaged71 posted 1/21/2014 07:07 AM

You were in the same marriage yet you didn't cheat... curious isn't it.

Also, if this was your fault you should have had a decision in it. Did you get a call asking permission before "it" happened? Didn't think so.

Sounds like she is re-writing the marital history to justify her actions. They will brainwash themselves.

My wife did the same. I spent 20 years providing for her every need. Yet... my behavior drove her to this.

I don't drink, smoke, cuss, go out with the boys and make six over 6 figures a year. I'm a real monster, right?

nekorb posted 1/21/2014 07:52 AM

I'm sorry.

I agree with the others that you will learn not to engage. Can you establish some sort of rule for yourself to help you? Like a standard response that you will give if she tries to hook you into a convo?

WP: you know, if you had treated me better I wouldn't have cheated.

You: I'm not discussing this now. Our next counseling appt is (insert date). I will be open to discussing your concerns at that time.

stronger08 posted 1/21/2014 08:06 AM

180 180 180 180 180 180 180 180 180 180

Merlin posted 1/21/2014 08:39 AM

The 180 is for you so that you can focus on yourself, help yourself to feel better and decide what is best for you going forward.

If you continue to engage your partner, expect new hurts. Is that what you want? It must be because you continue to do the same thing yet expect a different outcome.

Brandon808 posted 1/21/2014 08:54 AM

When you see behavior so uncharacteristic it is natural to look for any sign that the "real WS" will return. Any sign of compassion and understanding is hope that they are coming around.

In that sense you gave your WP several chances to change but she has not taken them. I agree with the others. You need to 180. That doesn't mean you are absolutely and permanently giving up on your WP, which mentally would be a big step. It means putting yourself first. Focus on you, not her.

p.s. The anger and hate is typically the WS projecting their feelings about themselves onto others. The A is a fantasy and reality holds them accountable for their actions. They don't do well with that and tend to resent the people who inspire guilt and shame in them.

peoplepleaser posted 1/21/2014 13:09 PM

That's totally it. She shows her soft side and I truly want to see the person I fell in love with. She came back and apologized. Said she really sorry for what she said, and feels so full of shame for what she did that she can barely breathe. But that she's holding onto the anger so she doesn't fet swept back into me walking all over her. I said that's fine. But I need distance and I can't sit and wait for you to show you care about how horribly you hurt me. You don't get to hurt me any more.

whattheh posted 1/21/2014 17:28 PM

Tell her the cheating is all on her. She didn't ask your opinion and had no right to go outside the marriage for any reason.

And if she tries to rewrite your marital history just tell her you were there and knew what happened in the marriage. Also tell her she conspired with someone else against you and noone in a committed relationship deserves that type of treatment for any reason.

She will make no progress until she fully accepts resonsibilty and stops making excuses for her poor choices and behavior. They are entirely her responsibilty. She needs to get that and own it IMHO.