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Two months out - what have I learned?

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NJdadof4 posted 1/20/2014 20:24 PM

I've learned that if I have to, I can have a life without my WW.
I've learned that my WW has no concept of truth.
I've learned that my WW is more concerned with trying to save face with her FOO that she's willing to put her own children through hell.
I've learned that her "friends" weren't friends.
I've learned that the affair fog is real.
I've learned that most people have zero tolerance for women who cheat. I've heard words like skank, ho, etc that I haven't heard since high school.
I've learned that excuse-making is an inherited trait.
I've learned that despite being hurt by the person I love the most, it's entirely possible that I can still love them.
I've learned that even in the depths of hell, I amore concerned with my wife's well being than my own.
I've learned that there are reasons why people engage in self destructive behaviors.
I've learned that all the preconceived notions of what people would do if they found out their spouse cheated are bullshit.

I still haven't learned why she cheated. Maybe I never will.

OneBrokenGirl posted 1/20/2014 20:30 PM

Very well said. Especially this one.

"I've learned that all the preconceived notions of what people would do if they found out their spouse cheated are bullshit."

I always said if my spouse ever cheated on me it would be over. When it happened it was such a huge shock, I really had no idea what to do. I still feel that way at times.

Hurthalo posted 1/20/2014 21:15 PM

'I've learned that all the preconceived notions of what people would do if they found out their spouse cheated are bullshit.'

Absolutely agree. I told myself (and I am sure I mentioned it to my WW at a point prior to getting married) that cheating was a complete dealbreaker for me, noting that my father had done it to my mother.

Well, well, well, look where I am now...

norabird posted 1/20/2014 22:10 PM

Having learned the first one (being able to handle life without your WW), you seem in good shape!

SeanFLA posted 1/21/2014 10:15 AM

I've learned that my WW is more concerned with trying to save face with her FOO that she's willing to put her own children through hell.

This is exactly the conclusion I came to. And once she told her parents and they responded with "Oh that's OK we understand, it was all his fault", she once again compartmentalized her FOO issues and felt it was all ok once again. Just shows you where the origins of her childhood problems came from. Never being held accountable by her parents for anything and forgiving their children too easily.

I've learned that all the preconceived notions of what people would do if they found out their spouse cheated are bullshit.

I honestly never gave this a lot of thought before because I never thought she could do such a thing, but you're right. Best part is I hear friends and family say..."Well my spouse would NEVER do such a thing to me!" My response is now..."Oh really?...so what makes you think you are so fucking special that they wouldn't? Good luck with your unconditional blindness. Oh and by the way, doesn't your spouse travel for business for a living like mine?"

Their disrespectful comments make me so angry I generally like to follow up with a few statistics for them that puts them into shock. "Did you know that infidelity touches 80% of all marriages?...that either one or both have experienced it to some extent or another?"

Fact is this comes out of the mouths of some SAHM's I bump into who have gained 40 pounds since they got married and honestly think their husband's eyes don't wander when they aren't around. No disrespect to anyone in here, but it's pure ignorance on their part.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 10:20 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Coachdig10 posted 1/21/2014 12:50 PM

As most of you said, I never thought my WW was capable of this and I always said it was a deal breaker. But I am trying to slug through this will her.

Shayna71 posted 1/21/2014 13:30 PM

SeanFLA, I do think you are bit disrespectful. SAHMs who have gained weight? really? I didn't think my H would EVER cheat, no because i was SO special, but because I thought I did a damn good job of finding a man to marry who had the character, integrity, and self respect to never engage in that behavior. He gained 30 lbs over our marriage - that never made my eyes stray. I am not a SAHM, and I had plenty of opportunity in MY job. I also didn't think he would cheat because our marriage seemed to be great - not perfect - but something to be thankful for. We were best friends, talked and texted every day, did very little apart, by choice, and going into and throughout the relationship we both a clear disdain for people who cheated. My H, in fact completely cut off contact with one family member and 2 friends he'd been close to when I he found out they had been unfaithful. I don't think that anyone has unconditional "blindness" because they have trust in a spouse who hasn't given them any reason not to, OR because they aren't as physically attractive as they once were. Sometimes we just assume others are like ourselves. I never considered cheating on him, even when we did have problems, so it never occurred to me he would. I respected him far more than that.

SeanFLA posted 1/21/2014 19:15 PM

Shayna there's a million reasons why infidelity happens. The point is many people, like myself, are not prepared for it. But to stand in front of me after the hear my story and tell me their spouse would NEVER do that to them kind of has their head in the sand. There's always going to be someone more attractive out there. But to ignore it with that kind of complacency is something else. We all know WS's will use every excuse in the book why they did it (and they do). But coming from a man's point of view I see many spouses that choose (the key word here is choose) to let themselves go and believe that is perfectly acceptable to their partners. Honestly I see it at the grocery store every day. But if a man or a woman comes home to that every night I'm sure it isn't what they thought marriage would be. Marriage is hard work unfortunately. But to think your spouse would or could never do that...pure complacency I see now. My exWW is extremely attractive, travels for work and works in a male dominated industry. It would cross my mind yes. But I was too complacent and probably took her for granted. I will never make that mistake again with someone new.

Nitrobob posted 1/21/2014 21:02 PM

I've looked so long for a husband whose wife had more than one affair. It is a different animal. Women aren't always looking for emotional connection. Sometimes it is just sex.

I also think that beautiful women, say top 5 percent, the high school cheerleaders, homecoming court girls, have lots of offers and with a few nips and tucks can still attract even much younger men into their forties. I used to love having men come over and high five me, even men I didn't know. Now it sickens me because I know she isn't really just for me.

My friends too have used the slut word, and it hurts because I married the slut! I love the slut! I want to reconcile with the slut. I think too there was a little comeuppance in there, like yeah your wife is way hotter than mine but at least I didn't marry a slut.

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