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How do you trust again?

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emotionalgirl posted 1/20/2014 21:19 PM

We are working at R and his actions are speaking louder than words. We are still living on different levels of the house and he is "dating" me again. some nights I make supper for both of us, but he knows not to expect it. In the last month he has given me no reason not to trust him and I have safeguards in place so I can verify. But he irradicated my trust so badly that I just can't seem to even begin to trust again. For me, Everything he says is subject to interpretation and I read things into it.

Tonight for example, at 5 pm I texted to ask if he was working late or would be home on time, he has been working late the last few nights and has been letting me know before 5pm. He texted me he would be home ASAP. Fine right? Most people would say ok and move on. Not me! He works an hour away and doesn't finish until 6 pm. That means he gets home at 7 pm. Automatically my mind started running away with can he be home ASAP? Is he even still at work? Did he get off early and just didn't come home? How early did he get off work? Is he lying to me, letting me believe he is at work when he's not? I HAD to go and check the find my phone to verify that he was truly at work.

How do I ever get to the point where I can trust again? How can we truly reach R if I can't reach the point of trust again. I know "trust but verify" but this is beyond that. This is ridiculous and crazy making. Do you ever reach a point where you trust again without jumping to the worst conclusion? Does the crazy making eventually fade away as time goes by and R progresses?

tushnurse posted 1/20/2014 21:33 PM


It simply takes time. You will see the phrase trust but verify. I hate it. Trust but verify bit me in the arse more than once. My motto was and is for people that are just beginning "verify verify verify, then trust will slowly rebuild. After you follow up and check up a bazillion times and find NOTHING, the trust slowly starts to return.

The pervading need to check upto snoop to prove his statements gets better as he really is remorseful.

Dont rush yourself and know that if he is truly remorseful and owning his shit, he will understand and be patient and kind.

((( and strength)))

MovingUpward posted 1/20/2014 21:34 PM

In time, his continual positive actions will help trusting to come about, but there is a piece for you to do and that is to recognize all the times that he is honest and does the right things. Keep a journal so that you can help yourself remember. Otherwise those few times way back when can control your thoughts and feelings.

annb posted 1/20/2014 22:33 PM

"verify verify verify, then trust will slowly rebuild

^^^Exactly what tushnurse said. At this point it is practically impossible to trust. Trust must be earned.

It took me about four years to truly trust even though during that time I had access to EVERYTHING and knew where he was and with whom at all times.

You will get there...with time and the hard work of your WH.

Nest2007 posted 1/20/2014 22:46 PM

I'm in the same position EG - I simply do not trust my H, even though I want to. The A decimates that inherent trust that a marriage naturally has - and should have. The only healer is that four letter SI word: time. I wish I could fast forward to be there already, but that's not possible.

emotionalgirl posted 1/21/2014 18:19 PM

Thank you everyone. I am beginning to hate that just takes time. The roller coaster is getting to me and yesterday I was so angry at WH for doing this to us and for the multiple DD. today I am just sad. Sad that I don't trust him, that I can't trust him and that nothing in my world will ever be the same. God I hate roller coasters.....always have and always will!

Moving upward....I think a journal of truthful moments is what I need. Right now all I can think of is the untruthful moments....sigh.

Howie posted 1/21/2014 19:01 PM

Look, it is terrible.The cycles of trying to trust, doubting to.Reasonable measures are in order, check phone calls, polite respectful requests for info. Use your reason, but follow your gut.
Is he sorry? Has he been forthright? Yes.Then realize your reception of injury must make you over-examine his actions. Distort, as wounds do, perceptions. But he must give you the benefits of your reactions. Films-try, years from now Pinter's
"Betrayal"-very deep, very sad.Best to ya-H.

2boys11 posted 1/21/2014 21:15 PM

I am right there with you on this. There are times I don't think I can do it anymore but I hang in and wait it out.

I was given the advice here that someone waited a full year before deciding anything. It gave her time to work through the shock, anger etc. I like this idea. Especially because we have three kids, I know my fWH will be in my life forever as their Dad. I want us to understand why this happened and with time everyone will tell me I "will know" if I want to stay together or divorce.

So I am strapping in for the roller coaster ride for a while before I make any decisions. And when I get worn down by it all I pay attention to my own self-care and do something nice for me.

Also I am trusting in my instincts. It is hard to do because if I trusted my instincts during the A I would have caught onto them a lot quicker. But I kept shooing it off. Now I am making myself trust ME. If I think something is fishy, I investigate. If I just feel like being nosy, I investigate. If I feel confident in him, I don't investigate. So I feel how I feel and act accordingly. There are certainly times I am more paranoid than others and snoop around but it feels good to trust myself AND give myself permission to check anything I want whenever I want.

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