Tonight for example, at 5 pm I texted to ask if he was working late or would be home on time, he has been working late the last few nights and has been letting me know before 5pm. He texted me he would be home ASAP. Fine right? Most people would say ok and move on. Not me! He works an hour away and doesn't finish until 6 pm. That means he gets home at 7 pm. Automatically my mind started running away with itself....how can he be home ASAP? Is he even still at work? Did he get off early and just didn't come home? How early did he get off work? Is he lying to me, letting me believe he is at work when he's not? I HAD to go and check the find my phone to verify that he was truly at work.
How do I ever get to the point where I can trust again? How can we truly reach R if I can't reach the point of trust again. I know "trust but verify" but this is beyond that. This is ridiculous and crazy making. Do you ever reach a point where you trust again without jumping to the worst conclusion? Does the crazy making eventually fade away as time goes by and R progresses?
It simply takes time. You will see the phrase trust but verify. I hate it. Trust but verify bit me in the arse more than once. My motto was and is for people that are just beginning "verify verify verify, then trust will slowly rebuild. After you follow up and check up a bazillion times and find NOTHING, the trust slowly starts to return.
The pervading need to check upto snoop to prove his statements gets better as he really is remorseful.
Dont rush yourself and know that if he is truly remorseful and owning his shit, he will understand and be patient and kind.
((( and strength)))
"verify verify verify, then trust will slowly rebuild
^^^Exactly what tushnurse said. At this point it is practically impossible to trust. Trust must be earned.
It took me about four years to truly trust even though during that time I had access to EVERYTHING and knew where he was and with whom at all times.
You will get there...with time and the hard work of your WH.
Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.
Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.
Moving upward....I think a journal of truthful moments is what I need. Right now all I can think of is the untruthful moments....sigh.
I was given the advice here that someone waited a full year before deciding anything. It gave her time to work through the shock, anger etc. I like this idea. Especially because we have three kids, I know my fWH will be in my life forever as their Dad. I want us to understand why this happened and with time everyone will tell me I "will know" if I want to stay together or divorce.
So I am strapping in for the roller coaster ride for a while before I make any decisions. And when I get worn down by it all I pay attention to my own self-care and do something nice for me.
Also I am trusting in my instincts. It is hard to do because if I trusted my instincts during the A I would have caught onto them a lot quicker. But I kept shooing it off. Now I am making myself trust ME. If I think something is fishy, I investigate. If I just feel like being nosy, I investigate. If I feel confident in him, I don't investigate. So I feel how I feel and act accordingly. There are certainly times I am more paranoid than others and snoop around but it feels good to trust myself AND give myself permission to check anything I want whenever I want.