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User Topic: This Past Week..
pointofnoreturn
♀ 41034
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(This was mostly just to get some stress out. It's a bit lengthy, so I don't blame you if you skip this one.)

There's something wrong with me. I don't know what exactly, but I can tell. I just have this gut feeling about it. I guess I've been having all these anxious feelings building up from the past week and it's becoming overbearing.

Last Monday, BBF got a new computer from FIL. As a bonus, FIL bought some RAM sticks to put in his computer, but we were going to have to do it ourselves. I knew how to do it, but it's very tricky since you have to get the sticks in just right or they won't pick up. So after I finally went through that mess, I was trying to put the case back on, but somehow couldn't. So the both of us were struggling with this case, and he was getting irritated at it, and kind of trying to push me out of the way. So I just went, “Okay, you do it.” and was proceeding to walk out of the way when he grabbed me.

Suddenly that month or so where he was doing so much better about not being violent was thrown away just like that. I was just angry at this point, so I said, “Stop.” It just made him grab me harder, and have one fist out in a threatening manner. So I repeated myself. Over and over. Until I finally broke free and just screamed, “STOP. I SAID STOP. WHAT PART OF STOP DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!” and stormed out of the room.

Of course after this, he was trying to bait me by bringing up my As. So, the post I made in the Reconciliation forum was my worries coming true. Just a calm before another storm. I didn't have the time to talk to him about this, as I had a 20 minute drive to get there and a missed appointment is a nice hefty bill on my part.

I was having an anxiety attack in the laundry room. I got dressed, regained my composure, and then went to get my bag and coat out of our room. I tried to talk to him about how when he grabs me like that I go into panic mode because it's very scary to me.

“I don't care.” He was too preoccupied with the case. I somehow managed to click it in place and close it. He apologized by saying, “I'm sorry” and I just left.

So, it was apparent what my IC session was about that day. Before I could even ask if BBF could come into a session, she had offered. I found out it wouldn't be any additional cost because BBF is a factor in my mental health here. She was concerned about me going back, asking what exactly was my plan.

It was like it was at anytime: he'll say sorry, and I'll just get over it until next time. But with each succession of this kind of behavior, is this small flame of anger burning inside of me. Anger at him, but anger at myself. I feel like because of my As, he acts like this. On the other hand, I'm becoming tired. Is this what I deserve? Do I have to face this as my punishment?

I decided that when I bring BBF to the next appointment, we'll discuss this. Part of my issue is assertiveness on this issue. I know I've done horrible, unforgivable things. However, I know in my mind that I don't deserve this kind of abuse. Given the possibility of this becoming a heated discussion, it was seen best to be in a session, just so it can be controlled if either of us get out of hand, and the counselor can be a moderator of sorts.

I decided that I shouldn't discuss this sort of thing with BBF until it comes time for the appointment. I know honesty and transparency is important here, but so is my well being. My gut felt horrible having to not be able to be open about what I want to talk about just yet, but it's a must.

My work week had been horrible. I am an introvert and I'm anxious around social situations, so normally I'm exhausted at the end of the day, even if the labor wasn't that bad. This week was just harder and harder to keep myself composed. By the end of the day, I spent a bit crying in my car before I drove home. I felt it was the only place I could. Too many people...too many thoughts distracting me from my task at hand. I felt bad because I couldn't work as well as I normally do. I'm able-bodied, young...what is wrong with me to the point where I can't just do a job like a normal person?

At work, there is an occasional pause between customers. The past week, there's been a bit of a snow storm, so it had been quiet. I draw in these quiet moments because at any time if my mind isn't being distracted by something, my thoughts turn negative really quick. Plus, I do concept art for BBF's video game project we're doing with a few friends. Two birds in one stone, eh?

So last Sunday, I spent some time on a drawing...and...it didn't turn out so well, I'll admit. I'm not the best artist, and I'm not exempt from duds. But when I took a picture of it to show him on my break and asked what he thought...he just said “I don't like it.”

...Um...oh. Well, I wasn't expecting blind praise, but I was expecting something more...constructive? He then began attacking the drawing without really saying what specifically was wrong with it. Something constructive would have been something like, “Well, the left arm here looks a little longer than the right arm.” But no, it was more like, “It doesn't look like you spent much time on this.” and “He looks like a clown.”

Oh. Ouch. I got very angry at this because I was going to just drop it and try to be positive with, “Oh, I'll just try another attempt when I get home.” but he kept going on and on. So I just got angry and told him to stop rubbing it in. It's bad. I get it. Either be helpful and tell me what I can do to help the drawing or don't comment at all.

At home, we talked it over, and he apologized. I felt everything was going to be okay now. I have two days off, so I can just work on some stuff for the project and, well..that didn't quite work out. We got in another argument. Over something stupid.

There was this popular video game developer who was accepting questions from fans, so I talked with BBF about sending one in. You know, to see what he'd respond with. Apparently since I prefaced my question with “My friends and I are making a game and...”, BBF didn't like this. But the problem was that I proofread the question with BBF, he said it sounds good, and then I clicked submit. Not even 5 seconds after, he was on my case about how I phrased the question, saying it was a selfish and stupid way of doing it. Oh...okay...but what am I going to do about it now?

He then spent more time lashing out at me, bringing up my As some more, and going into intricate detail about why the phrasing was wrong. At this point, it just really seemed like I was set up for failure. Was it some test? Was I supposed to go, “Wait a sec, the semantics of this sentence is completely wrong and I should rephrase the question!” I don't know.

I know I probably did this the wrong way, but I tuned him out. When he gets like this, there's no reasoning with him; he's right, I'm wrong. The end. I was angry, but rather than lashing out at him, I continued to draw. I'm going to make a decent drawing for once, even if I'm on the cusp of tears.

Later, I went to take a bath to calm myself down. He came in the bathroom to apologize, and then in the next breath continue to be angry at me. A few things in particular really hurt. One, was the fact that he just felt he couldn't get past what I did, and that I ruined him for life, because now he has zero trust in anyone because of me. A consequence of my As, so it's to be expected. Next was the fact that he's always asking “Who I'm talking to on Facebook” because I get pings when people like my statuses, saying he asks because he doesn't trust me. I'm not talking to anyone at that moment, and I offer to show him my screen or even let him into my account, but he keeps declining, saying he shouldn't have to do that. I've even offered to just delete the stupid thing, but he won't let me. I don't know what to do if he won't let me prove I'm not doing anything wrong here. The last one was where he was insulting me for going to IC, saying I'm wasting money to just have another person tell me the obvious, and that in the end it doesn't matter because I can't erase what I did. “You're right I can't,” I say, “but I can make myself a safer person for you. That's what I'm trying to do.”

By this point, I'm just shutting down. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying very hard to keep myself together for him. But I'm just a crying, jumbled mess of snot and tears. Eventually, his anger turns “off”, and he helps me out of the tub, dries me off, and is sweet and affectionate again.

There was something that had been bugging me about all of this. I've been thinking about the cycle of abuse. The batterer will become angered at something, justified or not, deal with the situation by shutting the victim up with violence to gain control of the situation, feel bad and apologize, and then be just ~nice enough~ to where the victim will keep engaged with the batterer. I feel like I'm in this cycle and I'm going to just keep allowing it if something doesn't happen.

I wound up crying myself to sleep that night. I didn't feel well in the morning, but I had to get to a OBGYN appointment at 10. He had promised me he'd come with me, because this was going to involve an exam, and I had a bad experience with one before, so I was scared to be alone. He didn't end up coming with me in the end.

Thankfully, the doctor was very kind, and explained what was going to happen before doing it, so it relieved my stress. I found out that I didn't have vaginmus in the end, but rather an infection. Hopefully once this is taken care of, I won't have the pain I'm experiencing anymore.

When I came home, he was still in bed, but he got up soon after. I started crying again about all of this stuff I'm dealing with, and he essentially told me he was going to call some people soon and to shut my trap. So I obliged. It's probably selfish of me to just ruin his day with my antics.

So I spent the whole day trying to remain composed, but on the inside I feel like I'm about to break. I don't know what to do anymore. On one hand, as a wayward, I'm supposed to be selfless and do everything in my power to make sure BBF feels safe and happy, but I don't get the same in return. I know I probably don't “deserve” that, but I don't deserve to feel like this, I don't think.

I'm just struggling to hold on to hope that this counseling will help. That maybe he'll “get it” in the sense that the abusive behavior isn't okay. I want us to both heal and both feel safe, even if in the end we don't remain together. I just want him to see this too.

The session is tomorrow and in a way I can't wait for it, yet I'm scared of it. I want to ask the IC to see if she can set me up with a psychiatrist. I like my psychologist, but if this anxiety is getting this bad, maybe I need some kind of medication to calm me down a bit.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
SlowUptake
♂ 40484
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to ask the IC to see if she can set me up with a psychiatrist. I like my psychologist, but if this anxiety is getting this bad, maybe I need some kind of medication to calm me down a bit.

No amount of IC or meds is going to lesson your anxiety.
Because the reason for it is your asshat abusive BF.

Was he like this before you cheated?

Why do you stay in this relationship?

Do you feel you owe him becuse you cheated?

Do you think you should be punished?

I think you need to discuss this with your IC.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
pointofnoreturn
♀ 41034
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was he like this...no. I don't think. I was in an LDR, so I don't know if it just never came out or if it was after I moved in (after my ddays).

I stay because I love him. And because I feel if he's even thinking of R with me, I owe it to him to give an earnest shot. I read on here about "suck it up" and "waywards have to put their feelings on the back burner for the BS". If you look at the posts from Regrette, people are telling them too bad, you had an A you need to be fixed first, etc. I have to be strong and slog through my brokenness to make myself safe again.

Like I said above, I owe him because he has expressed forgiveness for me. Even if he seems to retract this when he's angry, the fact he can even utter those words gives me hope. In my mind, I want it to be okay and that this is just the anger phase, and that we'll pull through. I'm scared it won't though.

And...punishment. Ah, yes. I do feel I should be punished for what I did. I ruined the man for life. As strange as it sounds, he says I'm the only one he's got and that I'm the only one he trusts...er, somewhat. Therefore I should devote my life to righting my wrong. I don't want someone else on top of him to suffer for my actions as well.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
SlowUptake
♂ 40484
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read on here about "suck it up" and "waywards have to put their feelings on the back burner for the BS".

There is a big difference between 'suck it up' when dealing with righteous anger and putting up with abuse.
Regrette has a problem in thinking that righteous anger is just abuse.
I think you may have the opposite problem.

I owe him because he has expressed forgiveness for me. Even if he seems to retract this when he's angry

One of the best pieces of advice given here at SI is 'actions not words', it applies to WS's and BS's alike.

Another great piece of advice is 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'.

What is your BF consistantly showing you, what are his actions telling you?

It takes two to reconcile.

You are perfectly within your rights to end it.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
MadnessMuse
♀ 42065
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:47 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here and reading your post got me quite upset.

I don't care how angry or hurt I was. I never, ever, ever, ever put hands on my wgf/ww in anger. EVER!

It is wrong.
It is inexcusable.

You can love him more than anyone or anything in the world, but for both your sake's you need to draw a line that he cannot cross when it comes to that.

Just as we say on SI the decision to have an A is 100% on the WS the decision to cross that line and get physically abusive is 100% on the person doing it. No one makes you do it. No one can provoke you to do something you do not choose to do.

I don't mean this as a 2x4. I mean it as a warning for your benefit. Again I'm speaking as someone who has been betrayed in a big way in my past. More than once.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4105 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
pointofnoreturn
♀ 41034
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now, I'm waiting to see how the session goes. It's at 4 my time. The last session we've talked about consequences of actions. If he hits me or grabs me, what's the consequence of that? Right now it's...nothing because I felt in debt to him. I'm hoping in this session, we can lay some ground rules. Yes you can get angry but if you choose to handle it this way, I'm leaving the house, calling the cops, etc. I also want this to be a chance where HE can lay some rules too. He hasn't really explained what he wants out of the relationship, so I want him to do just that to help us both.

I will try to update you guys when after the session. I'm just holding on now at this point.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
HobbesTheTiger
♂ 41477
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi!

I would like to echo those that have said that his abusive behaviour is inexcusable, and I am glad to read that you feel this way too.

I would strongly suggest you leave this relationship before his behaviour escalates or before you by any chance become pregnant...

When my ex GF cheated on me, she did horrible things and, among others, in one of her outbursts even said (after we had unprotected sex after her affair, before dday) that she hoped she got HIV from her cheating etc., which she didn't remember saying afterwards. Anyway, I was often frustrated, livid, incredibly angry at her, but I never laid one finger on her and never even thought about it. And to her credit, she said that if I or anyone would ever do that to her, she would be gone in a minute, no matter what else. And I agree with her! And no matter how much I was hurt by her actions, I wanted to forgive her and I wanted to protect her from the rest of the world, and never hurt her, no matter what she did.

Another point is that for me it was really hard to not always be triggered when we had any kind of arguments, to not feel or say: "well, you had an affair and that is why I'm so messed up now" or sth like that. Now, if I had abusive tendencies like your BF, every time I'd remember your affair, I imagine that it would be a trigger for my abusive tendencies to erupt again. And on the other hand, you would perhaps wonder/be scared every time if this time he will be able to control it or not. And that is no life for you to live, and it's hard because he'll be angry for a long time b/c of what happened.


Do not stay in this relationship because of guilt/fear. Do not suffer abuse because of guilt/fear. Do not get further involved in this relationship, because I think it will be harder and harder to walk away. The longer you stay in a relationship with an abusive person, the more it changes you, distorts your thinking and makes you think that unacceptable things are acceptable. (I hope you continue to educate yourself on abusive partners/relationships!)

And especially if/before you get pregnant... (we had a couple of pregnancy scares and I can only be thankful that she didn't get pregnant, because it would make it harder for both of us to leave the relationship if we thought we had to).

No matter what happened, you deserve to have people in your life who have never physically hurt you, who will protect you. Have a good family, friend, professional support system, work on yourself, and with time you will be ready for a new, healthy&functional relationship, with a clean slate, with someone who will have never physically abused you. I'm cheering for you!:)

If you want, I can write more, but for now I'll stop:)

Best wishes

[This message edited by HobbesTheTiger at 10:24 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 355 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
Secrets Kept
♀ 40630
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetie.....you are SOOO young, not married & have no children with this man??? Then you need to walk away NOW!! Especially if he isn't in IC himself. (and he should be...not only due to your cheating but now also apparently for his DV.) I know you love him & yes, you cheated. That does not make it OK for him to treat you this way!!! Nothing does!!! Was he this way before you cheated or did it start after??

I feel I am pretty much a "pro" (said in the lightest of terms) when it comes to domestic violence (DV), as I spent 10 years in a marriage where it was prevalent. He NEVER touched me when he was sober though. (small consolation, I know) I recently watched 2 friends of ours go through the same things & my BH#2 couldn't understand why they stayed together when they were both so destructive to each other. I told him that they still had about 2 more break-ups/move-outs together first. And they did, before they finally ended their relationship!!!

I went through months of counceling after our divorce to work through the DV & in 1 of my sessions, we went over how statistically, it takes approx 6 times for a "mate" to leave before they leave for good. You don't want to be in or go through the whole DV cycle, no matter what you did to your relationship with your cheating. And it is a sick, destructive, cycle you can sit back, watch & predict like a movie!!

I know it is easy for me to say to walk away. You love him & you did him wrong by having an "A". But NOTHING makes it OK to take his physical or mental abuse. Because it won't just stop & will more than likely get much worse.

OK...I totally understand that with infidelity, there will be some name-calling & some types of mental abuse given by the BS. That, to me, is to be expected. We destroyed their world as they know it & that type of mental abuse, I can excuse. (up to a certain point) I can even excuse & understand the physical attacks after JFO by the BS, as long as it was a 1-time type of thing due to their hurt, anguish, anger, etc.

But that is not what you make your sitch sound out to be. This is point-blank DV & you could have his ass arrested & thrown in jail for it. He needs help & you can't help him or make him change.

IMHO.....you at least need to split up for now & see if you can work on yourselves first. You are both so young, that maybe if you both get the help you need, you can then see where your heads are on your relationship later.

I am at work so I hope this all makes sense, as my lunch time is about over & I can't go back & re-read what I typed.

But I caught the DV side of your convo & my hackles rose, so I had to respond.

To me, at this point, your cheating takes a back-seat to his abuse & it needs to be addressed before you guys worry about your "A".

Sending many hugs & strength your way.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 223 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
HobbesTheTiger
♂ 41477
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I may add just this train of thought:

Physical violence/abuse is something that the abuser knows will surely physically/emotionally/... hurt the the abused. So the abuser willingly/intentionally hurts the abused.

But with cheating, I can, to some degree, understand what people mean when they say "I didn't do it to hurt you", "I was sure you would never find out and be hurt" etc. When it comes to cheating, I can understand how people justify to themselves that it will never their partner. Again, I'm not condoning it or anything, but I understand the mindset to some degree.

So in my mind, the abuser knows he will certainly inflict pain on the abused, and still does it. (especially if (s)he does it more than once) On the other hand, I think it's possible that the some cheaters think they will never hurt their partner by cheating.

To me, that makes a world of difference.

I think I would consider giving a cheater a second chance, but not the abuser. I could maybe come to terms that cheaters disrespected me, were ignorant, selfish,..., but I could find comfort in thinking that they didn't want to intentionally hurt me. Whereas with abusers...

Conversely, if I hit someone, even just once, I think I wouldn't feel ok in that relationship anymore.

Anyone, it's just something I thought about today and haven't really thought through all that much. Hope it helps!

Best wishes

[This message edited by HobbesTheTiger at 1:05 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 355 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
pointofnoreturn
♀ 41034
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My session yesterday went alright. I didn't get quite everything out but we've covered some stuff. I've gained some perspective on his side of things.

He gets in these moods when something happens that can't be fixed. The question thing is an example of this happening above. His mind easily makes connections to "Hey, remember that really horrible thing PNR did to you?" So now that he's in one of those "moods", it's so very easy to pick at me, call me names, insult my intelligence, etc. and then in turn my brain thinks of the shitty thing I did and I just become depressed over it instead.

The thing when it comes to physical confrontation is that I can tell that it could lead to it from these "moods". However what was quite shocking is the fact that the computer situation came out of nowhere. He went from 0 to 60 in a split second. I talked about how this terrifies me even more because beforehand I could at least try to back off but now if I wasn't walking on eggshells before I am now.

After the session, we were able to talk about it just fine. I felt relieved in this fact and we had spent some time talking and shopping more.

But then came towards the tail end of our shopping trip. We forgot to grab dog treats so I was asked to go get them. I went to the wrong section by mistake because this Walmart had the pet food in a different area than the one we normally go to. I found it but I couldn't find any non-rawhide treats. When I came back he was pissed at me for taking so long. I tried explaining why, and come to find out, the treats I did bring were rawhide anyways so I just wasted time.

He went back with me and rummaged through the same packages I did for 5 minutes. I guess his trust in me is so shot that even if I say "there no treats there", he doesn't believe me. Either that or he thinks I'm an idiot.

So waiting in line, he continues to berate me about how slow I was and two people in front of him were finished before I got back and how it was such an easy thing to do. As easy as saying no to the APs.

I tried to bring up that he was doing that again, but he didn't care. So I tried to detach from him and look at the bargain bin DVDs. This only fueled his A related taunting.

I became so enraged that the session seemed pointless now and he didn't care. What pisses me off the most is when he tears into me and then acts as if nothing happened, being cheerful and silly as we put the groceries in the car. I know he's doing this to cheer me up, but I'm in the store trying to hold back tears...

And I think about how stupidly simple it would have been to prevent that. If I just gave him my wallet, then it wouldn't have happened. But I guess that's what I get for not thinking, AGAIN.

In the car he said he was sorry and I just lost it. I know I'm no model citizen here, but it'd be like if I promised NC to my AP to him and then texted the AP the next night. He got defensive saying I'm impatient with him and what did I expect.

I don't know what to expect anymore. Nearly every single man I've encountered has hurt me in some way. I guess what I should expect is to never trust anyone or myself.

But hey I guess he didn't hit me this time so I don't have anything to complain about.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nearly every single man I've encountered has hurt me in some way. I guess what I should expect is to never trust anyone or myself.
Not a solution. You should begin by trusting yourself and valuing yourself. When you do that you will find you don't give any time or energy to people who refuse to do the same for you. It has an interesting effect of winnowing out the chaff (i.e. a**holes) in your life.

p.s. There was a time when I would make the same general statement with regards to women. I wasn't correct about that either, but it I felt like I was 100% right at the time.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4105 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
WarpSpeed
♂ 32051
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I came back he was pissed at me for taking so long.

So waiting in line, he continues to berate me about how slow I was

I'm just picking out a couple of pieces of your last post. That isn't how loved ones treat each other.

“Okay, you do it.” and was proceeding to walk out of the way when he grabbed me.

Suddenly that month or so where he was doing so much better about not being violent was thrown away just like that. I was just angry at this point, so I said, “Stop.” It just made him grab me harder, and have one fist out in a threatening manner. So I repeated myself. Over and over. Until I finally broke free and just screamed, “STOP. I SAID STOP. WHAT PART OF STOP DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!” and stormed out of the room.

And obviously that's out of bounds as well. I get the sense that this is pretty common in your relationship.

I'd tend to agree with an earlier poster who pointed out you're young, not married and have no children. Exiting this relationship makes a good deal of sense. Work in IC on your issues and leave his behind.

best luck


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1525 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
courageous
♀ 34477
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS and your post concerns me.... No man betrayed or not should lay hands on a woman PERIOD. I know you say you love him and want to stay because you deserve to be treated the way he is treating you but sometimes you need to leave for your safety.

Would you want your BBF to treat your child the way he is treating you? If your answer is no then please do not stay.

Abusive behavior doesn't get better without treatment, it only gets worse.

(((Pnr)))


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 659 | Registered: Jan 2012
HobbesTheTiger
♂ 41477
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PNR, I'm really really concerned because your last post sounded like someone starting to accept abuse as something normal, something that you "deserve" for doing/not doing something, something that you can avoid if "only you did (not) this,...

And I think about how stupidly simple it would have been to prevent that. If I just gave him my wallet, then it wouldn't have happened. But I guess that's what I get for not thinking, AGAIN.

Also

it's so very easy to pick at me, call me names, insult my intelligence, etc. and then in turn my brain thinks of the shitty thing I did and I just become depressed over it instead.

When this happens, your brain should think "I don't deserve this abuse, no one does, he's doing something horrible!". It should try to protect yourself, not blame yourself!

I became so enraged that the session seemed pointless now and he didn't care

I am happy that you got enraged! That means that you are aware on some level that you don't deserve this!

What pisses me off the most is when he tears into me and then acts as if nothing happened, being cheerful and silly as we put the groceries in the car.

Please check this out - http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/

Part of the cycle of abuse is the "making up" phase and the "calm phase", including behaviour such as "Abuser acts like the abuse never happened".

I implore you to also check out sites like http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm . There you will also find the link to the National domestic violence hotline on http://www.thehotline.org/. (if necessary, look it up in private mode so he won't see that you were looking).

Also


But hey I guess he didn't hit me this time so I don't have anything to complain about.

I hope it was meant sarcastically, but if there is even a small part of you that believes this, I'm concerned. It sounds like the victim starting to be happy when (s)he only gets emotionally and verbally abused, because he didn't get physically abused. I'm worried because this is a slippery slope to thinking "well, at least he didn't hit my head, only my body", "well, at least he didn't hit me so hard as to leave a black mark/bruising"...

He got defensive saying I'm impatient with him and what did I expect.

This is also classic part of abuser's behaviour, he's deflecting, putting blame/criticism on you (the victim!) and not taking responsibility.

"Impatient!" It makes me angry! It's as if he expects he's entitled to gradually stop abusing you, and that he shouldn't be expected to immediately stop abusing you! Bull-sh*t! Even if it were true, if he'd really want to stop abusing you and if he didn't think it's impossible to immediately stop abusing you, he'd make sure he'd go stay at someone else's for the time being, until he can "detox" and go through intensive anger managment therapy/counselling. Then, he would slowly re-establish contact with you in a safe environment, and gradually increase.

I don't know what to expect anymore. Nearly every single man I've encountered has hurt me in some way. I guess what I should expect is to never trust anyone or myself.

Please don't lose hope! There are so so many men out there who have never abused their s/o-s, even when their wifes/GFs did something that hurt them. Don't lose hope that you will meet them, and don't start thinking you don't deserve a man who will protect you, and never abuse you!

You have had really bad luck in meeting the kind of men you meet, and perhaps a part of the reason why such men are in your life is also in your FOO issues (if I may be so bold/presumptious). It is sadly too often the cause that people who have grown up in a toxic/abusive family/surroundings then go on to (subsconsciously!) accept&"seek" similar relationships. I would strongly suggest you read a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, I think you can view it online for free. It really helped me to cope with the abuse I've endured in my life and how it affected my "picker" for women.


I hope I'm not coming across too strongly, but I am really really worried for you. I hope someone comes along shortly with more experience in this area to give you better advice, but I really strongly implore you to starting reading up and contacting organizations/forums that can provide various types of help!

I could write more (when I worked as a counsellor, I always tried and was encouraged to give detailed advice and comfort), but I'll stop now.

But just to reiterate:
1. No-one/You don't deserve such an abusive relationship
2. Contact the national hotline to discuss whether you are in an abusive relationship and what to do
3. Regardless of what you did in the past, you deserve to be in a loving relationship where you feel safe and where your man loves you and protects you against the world.
4. You are (from what I can see from your posts that I've read) a really intelligent woman, introspective, eager to work on yourself, interesting (artistic,...) & I could go on. You have so many qualities that men (and women:)) seek in a woman, and I really hope you will build up your self-esteem to truly see that despite some flaws and bad choices you've made in your life, that you are (again, from what/how you've written) great and deserving of a loving, equal, non-abusive relationship!

Best wishes!

edit/p.s.: Please, be proud of yourself that you are fighting for yourself, your dignity&safety in light of such abuse, that you are working hard on yourself & proud of many other things.

[This message edited by HobbesTheTiger at 3:26 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 355 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
pointofnoreturn
♀ 41034
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the advice guys. I know I'm probably in that denial stage still. I guess what eats at me is that I know he can deal with anger without getting demeaning or otherwise abusive. Yet, for some reason, he's choosing not to. He said at the session "I want to be better", but want isn't doing. I need to talk with fil for a back up plan. Somewhere I can go in case shit hits the fan.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
pointofnoreturn
♀ 41034
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So yesterday I spent my free time at work reading up on abuse. Googling, "Can an abuser change?" And "Can you change an abuser?" It just came down to very similar answers: yes, they can change, but they have to want to and do it themselves. An abuser is unlikely to change because using violence or meaness is how they get what they want. I guess it's not too far from a Wayward...

I wrote him a post of things he could do to make me feel safe, including things like one of us leaving the room if things get too heated. He was bothered that I was being "obsessive" over this. Um....yeah, cause I'm scared of you? All the websites parroted the same thing: an abuser is unlikely to change and in most cases, they have to hit rock bottom (jail time, losing a partner) before they shape up. I just want him to "get it", but I just can't make him.

He's coming with me to my next session. I'm just wanting it to click this time but I won't get my hopes up. If one thing is to be taken from this, I'm remaining loyal to him and any possible future partners. No more infidelity. I know comparing the hurt from abuse to the hurt from betrayal is like comparing apples to oranges, but this ordeal has given me insight into what a BS might feel like. I'd rather deal with this than to ever even think of straying again.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't seem to be justifying your past behavior, so his anger really is coming from within HIM, and is not just about what happened in the past.

My take would be: you're young. Yes, you hurt him in the past; but now he is hurting you. What can really be gained from denying that you are better off apart?

When you are in love, of course it's hard to leave. But this is not a healthy situation for either of you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
cancuncrushed
♀ 28156
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You made a huge mistake. There are still limits of what you should be made to tolerate. Anger and mistrust is one thing. Physical abuse is another.... That physical abuse will grow. It benefits him in some way, or he wouldnt continue it... Physical abuse is not your punishment. ANd he is learning this solution to stress, early in your relationship. Do you want to deal with this for 30 years? This has nothing to do with A. This is all about how he deals with stress and anger. And its his personality. Its wont change. Have you gone inside to figure your why? Was he this way always, or putting you down, condescending? You absorb all the blame. disconnect happens long before the A happens. Please dont live like this for 30 yrs.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
pointofnoreturn
♀ 41034
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked to my FIL about this today. I sort of beat around the bush about it, mostly because I didn't want questions being asked if I was texting while at home.

God, I feel horrible about doing that. It goes against the whole 100% honesty and transparency. But at the very least, I have a place to stay now if things get out of control.

Our next session is Tuesday. I have to do it. I HAVE to be assertive and drive the conversation to what I want out of this. I'd hate to use the "The affair was in the paaaaassstt!" excuse, but right now I think the current abuse temporarily overrides my As. I don't want to rugsweep the As, but right now I don't feel safe.

I think I'm becoming ill over all this. Again, thanks to ALL OF YOU! Just having a nice place to vent and express myself really helps.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 20

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