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Kindness

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Am_I_Crazy? posted 1/21/2014 04:08 AM

Why is it that wayward spouses can be so charming to others and leave only venom for the betrayed? Why is it that they project ulterior motives? How is it that they can give the benefit of the doubt to others but not to the betrayed?

Why is there no compassion for the one they betray?

hangingonin posted 1/21/2014 05:39 AM

I wonder if it is perhaps the need to feel vindicated - if the BS is seen as someone they don't get on with then the WS feels better. Perhaps it is also the stress of living a lie.

dindy posted 1/21/2014 05:51 AM

I think it is a way for waywards to feel good about the poor choices they have made.

My ex told OW all about me and I have no doubt he made me into some horrible person to her just to make himself feel better about what he was doing.

I know they talked about my job as if I don't work very hard for my living. He also told her about our sex life, or lack of it too. Oh yeah that's right, two hard pregnancies and very traumatic labours with so many problems associated with each and he complains about us not having sex.

Pity he didn't appreciate everything I did for him such as single-handedly raising our kids and keeping the house in order for him. Perhaps if he had have thanked me just once and shown his appreciation I might have found the desire to want to sleep with him.

They are all losers.

Pansy Moss posted 1/21/2014 06:01 AM

I wonder this constantly. My husband complained that I was lazy (nothing is further from the truth).

Now he says I didn't love him which is nonsense.

He was so cruel. He got what he wanted, to leave. Why be cruel? I don't understand.

The only consolation I get is that if he is cruel because he feels bad, then the crueler he is, then I know he knows deep down he is wrong.

WarpSpeed posted 1/21/2014 06:26 AM

They do it because they are trying to construct an alternate reality in which behaviors they know are wrong can be justified. They don't want to think of themselves as bad people so they they have to paint a twisted picture of the BS to support why what they are doing is ok.

It sucks, but it is pretty common.

You're not crazy Am__I__Crazy. But I see you've been here almost 8 years. Have you been waiting 8 years for compassion and remorse?

Am_I_Crazy? posted 1/21/2014 15:20 PM

Thank you for the responses.

WarpSpeed, there was a time when I thought things were starting to look up. I had hope and didn't want to see that I was the only one doing the real work.

When things are going well, he uses a lot of "I" statements.

When he feels like things aren't going his way because of a situation he created, "we" have a problem.

He takes credit even when he shouldn't and fails to take ownership when he should.

He says that I should be completely honest about how I feel but his body language and facial expressions speak loud and clear. Either he doesn't want to listen or if he does, that he doesn't like what he's hearing. He will sometimes say, "Yeah-yeah-yeah," and wave his hand like he wants to be rid of a stink in the air. He is rude.

He gets treated badly by his relatives and never defends himself. It's like he has a tail between his legs.

When it comes to me, he unleashes all his emotional force. Mad dog.

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