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ShedSomeLight posted 1/21/2014 05:48 AM

So my D-Day was 7/31/13. We have been in therapy for many months and he is doing all the right things. my situation is a actual "fatal attraction" I found out about the "A" because the "AP" stalked me. She stalked me by phone for months and on facebook. The phone calls the AP made to me were so intense that I had contacted the Police and a law enforcement tracer was put on my phone. On my D-Day, law enforcement called and gave me her name and I said I did not know who she was. When I called him, he then confessed to the long term affair. He had suspected it might be her, but she kept telling him she would never do that. After, he found out it was her, he went and filed a restraining order and it was extended to me. It does not stop there...after the restraining order, she then sent me numerous emails that were very mean and also mailed me a package which contained some items he had given her ( a concert tee shirt, and tarnished silver bracelet) and copies of sexual emails between the two of them. I also found out from discussions that the AP had sat in front of our house 2 times. I discovered this from many hours of conversation about the affair and found out what kind of car she drove. I said to him, OMG...she has sat in front of our house. I did not know who she was at the time !!! The AP has 4 felonies, stalking charge and harassment charge. I am now in court. He hired me an Attorney. The AP has continued to spam me. I forgot to mention that all the emails she sent to me went to my work email address. So right now... she spams me every day. I get emails from all types of sex sites, dating sites..etc. I actually made up a fake Facebook page and can't stop going on it. She blocked me from my regular Facebook page. I look at her pictures. I've told him that I think she is ugly, which she is. My close friends and family have seen her picture and don't understand why he would he would be with someone like her. I have a court date coming up on 1/31... and I have been obsessing. Am I going crazy ? What do I think I am going to find out further.? I think I have the full story about their affair...but I can't stop obsessing over her. This caused an argument between us this morning. He yelled at me and told me to stop this morning. Lately, I have been looking at her pictures on face book and then firing questions at him . Has anyone else been obsessing over the AP ?? It is almost like I think I am going to get some information from staring at her facebook pictures. This 1/31 court date is the pretrial. My attorney and Prosecutor told me that it is ok if I do not go. The last court date I went to, was the first time I saw her in person. I stared at her, but she basically hung her head and would not look at me. He claims the affair had nothing to do with "looks"...it was just sex. I am really struggling trying to get through these court dates... The court date on 1/31 will mark 6 months !!! I am still unsure I want to stay. I am having a lot of second thoughts. Any comments would be greatly helpful. I am wreck.... :(

hitbyatruck posted 1/21/2014 06:10 AM

First, her looks have nothing to do with the affair. She was a tool in making him feel better about himself. She was his vodka. That's how I look at it anyway.

Of course you look at her FB page. This woman is a true stalker. You are trying to somehow know something about her. It might not be a healthy habit you have but it is certainly understandable.

I feel your H should be helping you through this, he did bring the crazy in. Not getting upset with you that you are asking questions or looking at her page.

Hoping the courtdate will bring you an end to this stalking. How couldn't she be charged?

ShedSomeLight posted 1/21/2014 07:17 AM

Thank you for responding. I like what you had to say about her being his Vodka ! Interesting insight. I think he has answered all of my questions and willing to. I have been attacking him and accusing him of all kinds of things. I have been mean...Not sure why I am triggering like this. He left mad and then called me crying on his phone saying he was sorry. I truly do not think he realizes the damage he has done. Not sure I want to stay anymore. Just lately I feel like my feeling for him have changed. we have no children. We are also not married. We own a home together and have a 11 month old puppy. I have a lot of other stress right now. My Mom is currently in a nursing home with Alziehmers and my job is VERY stressful. Lately, I have been feeling like I want to change my job. We are in therapy together...but I am also seeing a therapist on my own. He was seeing one on his own and quite frankly I think he should continue...but he prefers to just go to therapy as a couple. Not sure what to think of that. I am feeling very confused, stressed, angry...lately I can't get out of my head. Anyone else experience these emotions ?

Scubachick posted 1/22/2014 19:57 PM

Wow! that's a scary situation! I can't imagine having to deal with all of that on top of A. I look at AP facebook a few times a week too. I can totally relate to the rapid fire of questions aimed at your husband afterwards. Probably not a healthy thing for either of us to do but...I'm just trying to cope in the only way I know how.

If I were in your situation, I'd probably go to the court date. Just because your presence will make her uncomfortable and you're sending a message that you are not afraid of her and you won't tolerate her behavior.

kiki1 posted 1/22/2014 20:35 PM

((shedsomelight))

Get rid of that facebook page.

She isnt worth the mental energy you spend on her.

I've stalked the ow women too, but it truly isnt healthy and will prolong your agony. I still upon occasion want to do it, but I know its not worth my time. They're trash, we need to put them out to the curb.

Lose her like a bad tooth. The more you can get her out of your head, the faster you'll move beyond this nightmare.

Good Luck at court

hugs,,,,

Lucky2HaveMe posted 1/22/2014 20:44 PM

OH gosh, I used to google her name 50 times/day - like something new was going to show up I also checked her FB all.the.time.

Then I blocked her. It was a tangible reminder to me when I would go to look at her FB page and it wouldn't be found. I would even think "SHE blocked ME!"... then I would look at my blocked list and it was I that blocked her. There were times I would unblock so that I could look, but that is such a hassle cause then I had to way 48 hours (I think) in order to block her again - and it would drive me nuts that maybe she was on her computer looking at my stuff now that I had her unblocked. It truly is crazy-making.

So I agree - get rid of that fake FB page. Block her on your real page. Becoming indifferent to her really is a much better place to be.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 9:04 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

SI Staff posted 1/22/2014 20:57 PM

Kiki and Lucky2,

Please remember that OP namecalling is against Reconciliation Forum guidelines.

Thank you.

womaninflux posted 1/22/2014 21:01 PM

I go in waves. I have to say I am honestly happier when I am not thinking about her. Not far out from DD, my SIL did a little snooping for me. SIL is a recruiter so she had access to Linked In and made the comment of "She has over 800 connections…that's a lot." Yeah, well, she worked at a nightclub selling bottle service to lots of businessmen…I'm sure she has a lot of connections…and knows how to work them.

Everything I have found out - from the people she associates with to the events she attends - confirms what I suspected . She is a gold digging, social climbing opportunist who is only thinking of herself. I am not worried about her in terms of competition at all, plus all of my husband's real friends have told him he is an idiot for doing what (and who) he did. If she rears her ugly head, I can ruin her reputation in about 3 phone calls. I expect that at some point I will bump into her…and when I do…she better run fast.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 1/22/2014 21:03 PM

Ummmmm... don't think I called any names... I said the BS's looking for the AP constantly is crazy-making... at least it made this BS crazy!

eta: OOPS! Just realized the error of my ways!! I hate getting my hand slapped.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 9:04 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

kiki1 posted 1/22/2014 21:06 PM

My apologies, I was thinking more in metaphoric (is this a word?) terms.

LonelySilhouette posted 1/22/2014 21:49 PM

Has anyone else been obsessing over the AP ??

Of course!

At first I was obsessed with learning who these prostitutes were, what they looked like, looking up their websites, reading their reviews, and even reading escort forums where they sometimes post. I was trying to understand a world that is so foreign to me. I mean, I know it exists, of course, but trying to understand how it sucked my husband in. I still look at these sites from time to time, not as obsessively as I did at first. I never did find 4 of these prostitutes so they are still a mystery to me beyond knowing their (fake) prostitute names and whatever my wh told me about them. It's unlikely I'm going to find anything on those 4 now, I imagine, but every now and then I get compelled to try. I still get the urge to look at the others from time to time as well. I dunno, maybe I like to think I'll find out something terrible happened to one or more of them and I'll feel like karma was on my side finally or something.

badmedicine posted 1/22/2014 22:01 PM

SSL,

I really feel sorry for you....to go from the stress of a person stalking you to then find out WHY it is happening sounds very disorienting and crazy-making, as others have said. How traumatic, to have to get a restraining order! I'm not surprised you are as obsessed as you say. I don't have nearly as much drama from the AP but I am still obsessed. Like others it annoys me that I care and I really hope for the day that I don't dignify her existence with a response/reaction. But, that day isn't today. We are only torturing ourselves though, and letting AP cause more pain. Plus, it sounds like your efforts at R are true and your WH is working hard and this is driving a wedge between you. I'm sure he had no idea (because they never do) that this would happen but if he is truly remorseful it must be awful to watch her destroy you like this. Please make some boundaries for yourself and try to detach from this woman!! You deserve to focus on yourself, your M, your WH. (hugs)

ShedSomeLight posted 1/23/2014 06:45 AM

Thank you for the support and all the responses. Last night was not so good. We had another heated discussion. I seem to pick apart every detail of the affair. He is willing to answer all questions, but when I get responses I don't like, I basically just get very mad. Some days I just feel like I really need to move on from him and then I will some how get my "peace" back. On top of the affair, I was stalked in every way by the AP, by phone, email and she also mailed things to me. She is in my dreams. With the court dates, I feel like I can't get away from her. I think me looking at her facebook page is not healthy. Not sure what I think I am going to find out. As far as us healing as a couple, I don't think the true healing can come until the court dates are done. The AP has a lot of charges and she was disrespectful to law enforcement, so one of the State Cops involved really was instrumental at pushing a lot of charges. There were a lot of Cops involved in my case, and they were all very supportive towards me. The biggest thing that is interesting, is that she did this to another woman. My Attorney discovered that the AP had charges from stalking another woman. Same situation as mine !!! It is a complicated case and the court dates could go on for several months.

Childoftheking posted 1/23/2014 07:38 AM

I did this!! It made me feel like a crazy person, and then something my husband said to me really sank in. He said, "If you really believed me when I told you that she has nothing better than you, she did nothing better, she doesn't compare to you in any way,I will never find someone as good as you or as good for me as you, then you wouldn't care about her." He was right! I think once I truly believed him, I could care less about her. She got nothing from him that I'd ever want. She got a broken man that was willing to destroy his whole life.

I totally understand the desire to want to do this...I WAS THERE, but don't waste your time or energy on something so incredibly not worth it! YOU are better!!

Scubachick posted 1/23/2014 11:34 AM

Shedsomelight,

I do the same thing....I pick apart and analyze every answer he gives me. I hate that I do this. I only make it harder for him to open and honest the next time and I know this but yet, I still do it. I think it's because I can't allow myself to trust anything he says about the OW and because it usually contradicts with something he has said before. It sucks. I really miss the trust we once had

FeelingSoMuch posted 1/23/2014 13:26 PM

Wow, this woman clearly has some mental health issues.

Either way, what you're doing is normal. I, too, went on Facebook to figure out what OM looked like and actually showed his photo to women I know. They were shocked, too, that WW went for a guy so far below us in terms of looks. (and decency and respect and so on)

Honestly, they just seem to go for availability when they want to cheat.

Stay strong.

Katz13 posted 1/26/2014 01:23 AM

To childoftheking,
I love your post and wrote down the following:

She got nothing from him that I'd ever want. She got a broken man that was willing to destroy his whole life.

That made my day. I am less than a month from dday and feel obsessed about the OW. Those two sentences have really touched me. Thanks so much.