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Newest Member: hardtobear (45717)

User Topic: How I ruined everything
Disintegrator
♂ 42149
Member # 42149
Stop  Posted: 6:26 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found this forum during my search for answers, and hopefully I can begin to come to some resolve with help from this community. I have been unfaithful to the person I love and I've lied about it for years. She found out about it through her own means and confronted me, but the details of what/who/where/when/how are not the part that I am focused on currently.

I am having difficulty with accepting myself as a reasonable person after this. I feel I deserve to be punished, even though I understand that the groundwork for infidelity is often times laid by both parties. What kind of person am I who can do this kind of harm to the one I care about most? What kind of friend does that make me to the others who I care about (friends, relatives, etc)? If I can do this to my best friend, what other atrocities am I capable of?

I don't feel like I deserve sympathy or friendship at this point. I feel like I deserve pain, which is what I have.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2014
SlowUptake
♂ 40484
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI Disintegrator.

You haven't asked any questions so I don't know what advice you're after.
I will however draw your attention to these.

but the details of what/who/where/when/how are not the part that I am focused on currently.

Why not, if not these, then what are you focused on?
Because I will bet your BS(betrayed spouse) is very focused on them.

I understand that the groundwork for infidelity is often times laid by both parties

You're not going to get much traction around here with a statement like that.

The consensus here at SI is that the cheater is 100% totally responsible for their actions.
If you were in a 'bad' marriage there were plenty of moral options for you other than cheating, up to and including divorce.

We call this 'owning your shit'.

I don't feel like I deserve sympathy or friendship at this point. I feel like I deserve pain, which is what I have.

You seem to be very focused on how you feel right now, how is your BS feeling?
I'll tell you, devastated, shocked, emotionally crippled, gutted, distraught, she's feeling pain a 100 times worse than yours, what are you doing to help her through it?

Again welcome, I wish you well on your journey.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 7:08 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dis, welcome to SI. If your wife is considering reconciling after your betrayal, you will get great advice here to help you repair what you ruined. You can''t control the outcome of your marriage at this point, but you can stop making things worse.

Here''s the first attitude you need to divest yourself of:

I understand that the groundwork for infidelity is often times laid by both parties

Nope. It never is. Not if you''re in a "sexless marriage," and not even if your spouse cheats on you first! Your infidelity is all on you. You chose to cope with your unhappiness or disappointment in a weak, cowardly way. I did too, we all did. Blaming your wife for contributing to the "groundwork" that led to your cheating will not only hurt her even more, it will jeopardize your chances of recovering from this.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 7:17 AM, January 21st, 2014 (Tuesday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
remorsefulww
♀ 42029
Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You seem to be very focused on how you feel right now, how is your BS feeling? 
I'll tell you, devastated, shocked, emotionally crippled, gutted, distraught, she's feeling pain a 100 times worse than yours, what are you doing to help her through it?

This ×1000!

I recommend individual counseling so that you are able to get to the core issues of "why?"

You need to accept and start owning what you did to your betrayed spouse by giving her 100%honesty and a timeline of every event of who,what, where, and when. She deserves that and I'm pretty sure she is making herself sick creating her owm timeline of events.

I have more to say, but that depends on your answers.

[This message edited by remorsefulww at 10:31 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
BrokenButTrying
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Disintegrator,

Welcome to SI.

Firstly, you are not a horrible person. You have done a horrible thing. It is important that you learn to separate the two. The road to forgiving yourself is a long one and it can be tough, go easy on yourself. IC can help a lot.

Secondly, although it is important to work on and ultimately forgive yourself, it is more important to heal the broken relationships around you. This cannot be done if you are solely focused on your own feelings.

Your BS will be very much focused on the who/what/when/why/where/how of your A and it is important that you tell them everything. Trickle truth (withholding information to spare their feelings) is very damaging. They may want details, may ask questions and your willingness to answer those questions says a lot about your attitude towards R and saving your relationship.
You have shattered their world by making bad choices, you must be willing to help them rebuild it.

There is never an excuse for cheating, as slowuptake said, you need to own your shit. No matter how bad a marriage/relationship is, you had other options to fix it and you didn't take them. You chose infidelity, your BS did not.

There are tough times ahead of you but there is always hope.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1261 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Disintegrator
♂ 42149
Member # 42149
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...even though I understand that the groundwork for infidelity is often times laid by both parties.

Oh my lord I am an idiot! I re-read this after seeing the responses to it and this is completely not what was going through my brain when I wrote it. I understand that I am to blame for the infidelity. I take full responsibility for what has transpired. What I was trying to get to was what, in the marriage, went so far sideways that I came to the conclusion that this was the answer. I'm not placing any blame on her for that part either, because I don't honestly know what went wrong. I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out now.

You seem to be very focused on how you feel right now, how is your BS feeling?
I'll tell you, devastated, shocked, emotionally crippled, gutted, distraught, she's feeling pain a 100 times worse than yours, what are you doing to help her through it?

Secondly, although it is important to work on and ultimately forgive yourself, it is more important to heal the broken relationships around you. This cannot be done if you are solely focused on your own feelings.

I greatly appreciate this advice. I've been treading around this subject lightly with the spouse because, after reading through some of the other posts on this forum, I have come to understand that giving her time and space to process might be a good idea. I spoke openly with her about it last night, telling her that I was available to be talked to, not talked to, yelled at, given the silent treatment, or for any other need she might have through this. She seemed very receptive to this and she told me she wants to figure out what happened to us through MC.

Thank you all for the great advice. I'm sure I'll be asking a lot more as things either progress or don't.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2014
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what, in the marriage, went so far sideways that I came to the conclusion that this was the answer

Yep, heard you the first time, and the answer is still the same. Nothing. The marriage had nothing to do with your choice to cheat. Zip, zero, nada.

What inside you went so far sideways? That's the question you need to answer, to make your BW feel safe.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
BrokenButTrying
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The marriage had nothing to do with your choice to cheat. Zip, zero, nada.

What inside you went so far sideways? That's the question you need to answer, to make your BW feel safe.

This. A million times this.

My M had a lot of problems. We were on the verge of separation and I was at the lowest point in my life. But those problems and the state of my M were not the cause of my A.

Those problems broke something in me. Something went wrong with me. And I chose to have an A. Working out why I am broken and how to fix myself is part of my journey. But it is not my BS's responsibility.

MC is a really good idea. We've only had two sessions but it's already making a lot of difference, our counsellor is wonderful and really supportive of both of us.

I wish you all the luck in the world, Disintegrator.



Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1261 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 8

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