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the importance of healing for the BS

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rachelc posted 1/21/2014 07:49 AM

my husband and I are on such different pages on this. I told him I wasn't most angry about his affairs, I was angry that he didn't really look at what I did - stare it in the face - nor did he look at what he did after his first affair.
I asked why he didn't make therapy a priority, reading, marriage encounters.He replied: why should I punish myself over something YOU did.

I said the BS has the responsibility to heal. I have to heal and I do this by reading, going to IC, posting on infidelity forums and he asked why I was punishing myself doing this?!

I said you had to know that having two affairs certainly wasn't the right way to heal. He said knows he shouldn't have done that but that he was still healing from what I did.

He is angry we have wasted so much money and time going to therapy. He said I have no idea what it's like to have your wife give yourself to someone else after you've kept your vows for 25 years. I agreed I did not know how this would feel. Yet, he takes full responsibility for what he did.

See, this just doesnt' sit right with me. It feels like he thinks he just couldn't help himself...

deena04 posted 1/21/2014 07:57 AM

You have to heal in the ways that work and are healthy for you. Reading these, IC, and taking care of yourself are necessities for you. You have a right to heal, so please keep trying to do so. Would he benefit from using the WS forum perhaps to see that others can relate?

Ascendant posted 1/21/2014 08:13 AM

Do you mean that he has the responsibility to figure out why he has his own affair? Or the responsibility to heal from the pain of yours? I'm confused on that.

rachelc posted 1/21/2014 08:37 AM

Do you mean that he has the responsibility to figure out why he has his own affair? Or the responsibility to heal from the pain of yours? I'm confused on that.

both. When it was evident what he was doing wasn't working... I guess he just reached for the coping mechanism that felt good. Again.

rachelc posted 1/21/2014 08:38 AM

Would he benefit from using the WS forum perhaps to see that others can relate?

because reading about it would be reminding himself what happened and that's punishing to him.

Ascendant posted 1/21/2014 09:40 AM

both. When it was evident what he was doing wasn't working... I guess he just reached for the coping mechanism that felt good. Again
Gotcha. I think that he definitely needs to work on his coping mechanisms as a WS, because they're in no way healthy going forward.

As far as healing as a BS....I don't know, maybe he feels even? I mean, a LOT of people have RAs and say that it fucked things up even worse because it didn't alleviate the pain and just added guilt on top of it....but everyone is built differently and maybe he had his RA(s), took account of everything, and just felt that things were even in his mind. I don't imagine that's how I (or most people) function, but I guess it's possible.

sisoon posted 1/21/2014 12:56 PM

Maybe you can show him my thoughts...

He said I have no idea what it's like to have your wife give yourself to someone else after you've kept your vows for 25 years.

You're certainly not going to have any idea of what he feels unless he tells you - and telling it to an IC may be easier and just as healing. I don't think he's facing his feelings as a BS, and I think that's the biggest obstacle between you. (JMO, of course.)

The way for him to get his strength back is to face those feelings, process them, realize they're just feelings, and then move on to the healing he has to do as a WS.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:57 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

rachelc posted 1/21/2014 13:01 PM

thanks Sisoon - by the way, your PM box is full!

yes, I've dissected this and he still blames me. There is no way he can call himself a wayward without the word "but" after it.

Rebreather posted 1/21/2014 13:11 PM

that's punishing to him.

That's really the crux; what he sees as punishing the rest of the world sees as healing. That's a pretty big difference in perspective.

rachelc posted 1/21/2014 13:15 PM

That's really the crux; what he sees as punishing the rest of the world sees as healing. That's a pretty big difference in perspective.

I know! WTH?

blakesteele posted 1/21/2014 13:22 PM

My wife and I differ on the healing steps too.

My wife and I disagree on the benefits of SI.....I am active, she is passive.

My wife and I disagree on How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair book should be applied.....I say all of it, she picked and chose.

My point is that the pain is similiar, maybe identical, in nature for a BS. The processing of that pain, however, is diverse.

I have my "rathers" on how this process looks....my wife has hers.

What I am finding, at 17 months out, is that these "rathers" are lining up more and more.....though we are not identical, I will say we are getting "more similar".

Kind of an illusive response to your post....but I don't have this figured out either.

One thing I do know that has helped me is this simple quote.

"My biggest problem to my marriage is.....me."

What this does for me is to put me in complete control of my actions....I no longer am tied to what my wife does or does not do for me.

Seems like you both are continuing to wrestle with that nuance.....and I still do to, sometimes. But that was back when I was pushing hard to R our M. I have learned through LOTS of practice to ...... be still.

10 being full speed....I am probably at a 6 now. Upon my DD I was a 10!.


God help us all.

LA44 posted 1/21/2014 14:27 PM

So wait....

I said you had to know that having two affairs certainly wasn't the right way to heal. He said knows he shouldn't have done that but that he was still healing from what I did.

How exactly was he healing? By having two A's?

confused615 posted 1/21/2014 14:31 PM

Honey, IIRC you were raped the first time you "cheated" on your husband. That is not cheating. That is rape. Does he understand that?

If I have you confused with someone else, I am so sorry.

rachelc posted 1/21/2014 14:35 PM

LA - he claims he wasn't ready - to heal, to look at what both of us did, I don't know. We went to a marriage encounter - an expensive one - between his affairs. He said he wasn't ready for that either.

rachelc posted 1/21/2014 14:43 PM

Honey, IIRC you were raped the first time you "cheated" on your husband. That is not cheating. That is rape. Does he understand that?
If I have you confused with someone else, I am so sorry.

that has sometimes been referred to as my 2nd affair, by him. I exercised poor boundaries - I got drunk at a hotel with friends and had my own room. He is very angry about that. I understand.

[This message edited by rachelc at 2:44 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

karmahappens posted 1/21/2014 14:54 PM

He has never healed from your A. Period. I still wonder if it wasn't a deal breaker for him, but he can't make the move.

We are all responsible for healing our own selves, IMO.

He had his 2 RA ONS's. It probably just added to the load he carries.

You can't carry the load by yourself. He still needs to heal from his BS status and his WS status.

IMO I see you ( I don't know him) on a hampster wheel....going around and around and around.

At some point you have to stop the crazies and fix what hurts.

The only one you can fix is you.

I would concentrate on myself. Otherwise you will be searching, wondering, waiting, hoping all the while standing still....kwim?

Let go of his issues and pick up just yours. He can either follow suit or not, but you cannot spend your life waiting for him to be ready.

(((hugs)))

rachelc posted 1/21/2014 15:00 PM

Karma, I feel that I have worked on myself. I'm a safe person to be with. I have clarified values, etc.
If he hasn't healed from what I did (how do I know?) then we won't have an intimate marriage.

karmahappens posted 1/21/2014 15:13 PM

If he hasn't healed from what I did (how do I know?) then we won't have an intimate marriage.

What has he done to heal? I see you in the same place rach, so something is stuck or I am not seeing clearly.

I feel like he hasn't really moved any mountains, am I wrong?

I had to heal and dig for a long, long time as a BS.

You have had to deal with your A, his 2 and your sexual assault.

I think there must be more to uncover. But I am not you, only you know the truth you carry in your heart.

I am not judging your healing, hell no, but I think you are in turmoil.

Is he the cause of it all?

And if that answer is yes, how long is he allowed to sit in limbo?

Just questions .... no right or wrong answers.

And again, I am on the outside looking in and could be off in my perception.

rachelc posted 1/21/2014 15:19 PM

I feel like he hasn't really moved any mountains, am I wrong?


he has not. His mountain is staying with me after I cheated.

karmahappens posted 1/21/2014 15:29 PM

His mountain is staying with me after I cheated.

Put his mountain down...you can't move it.

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