Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying



Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library


Contact Us
In Association with
Infidelity -
- Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
Newest Member: MrsB (61169)

User Topic: Practical advice...... fuming.
♀ 41010
Member # 41010
DOH!  Posted: 8:09 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been lurking for a while now but I'm seriously battling at times to keep myself from doing something which I don't know whether it is stupid or not, so any advice gladly received.

Quick update. OW and WH had a HUGE disagreement over Christmas period. Lots of really awful things are said to one another. There was NO holding back from WH side. She also gets engaged on Christmas to her long standing boyfriend.

Now OW and WH are part of a group of friends that go out on occasion. Now they have agreed to act as 'normal' as possible to avoid any suspicion from the others so it doesn't 'disrupt' the others (told WH that this was to late as everyone seems to know anyway).

Now here's my dilemma..... They are still in contact through a group chat with other friends and also individually, which infuriates me beyond measure whenever I hear the phone message! I've been the better person all along and kept quiet and let this all come to an end but I'm so dying to get hold of her. I'm just dying to put her in her place. He's told her I know everything and is 'horrified'...... But I know for sure her fiancé has no idea of their little 'fling' and yet she continues to keep in contact with WH. I also don't have a sure way to get hold off her fiance either. Please advise?

Me:BS Married 13 years, together 23
Him: WH - EA/PA with now married

'If you come into my life, the door is open; If you leave my life, the door is open; Just one request, don't stand in the doorway and block the traffic"

Posts: 135 | Registered: Oct 2013
♂ 38303
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs to quit that group ASAP. If he wants to tell them what happened and let them know that it's either her or him, that's fine. My guess is that they will not like having an ultimatum set in front of them for your WH shitty decisions, and so more than likely your husband is just going to have to decide which he wants more, his marriage or his social group. I think this bothers you a great deal, and you should let him know in no uncertain terms. You don''t need to be ''''understanding''''.

ETA: Tell the OW fiancée, like yesterday. I think that will hasten this to a decision one way or the other.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 8:57 AM, January 21st, 2014 (Tuesday)]

Posts: 5173 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: North of Chicago, Illinois
♀ 41135
Member # 41135
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would tell the fiancé about the affair yes OR

Send her a note telling her she drops out of the social group for good, I mean disappears from your WH's life or you will tell everyone what she has done, the group the fiancé...everyone.

or do what FP says above.

Me BW 52, Him WH 48
Married 13 years,
2 DDs (12 and 10)
D-Day Confirmed 10/24/13 suspected before that but did not want to believe it.
WH filed for D 11/12/13
2/8/14 WH asked if he could come home.

Posts: 277 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
♂ 32258
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is your WH still in contact with OW? Your WH needs to choose, actually you tell him you are choosing for him. IMO, tell him you are filing for D because he is still in contact with OW. Then actually go file. He either goes complete NC forever or you continue moving forward with the filing. NC means dropping out of the social group as well. You can always stop the D but he has no incentive to stop right now.

Also tell OW's betrayed fiance. He deserves to know exactly who he is marrying. Once he knows it's his decision on whether he stays but he deserves to know up front.

If it was me and I had access to this social groups voicemail or messageing system, I would leave a voicemail for all of them to hear letting the OW's fiance know exactly what has been going on and you just wanted him to know so he can make infomed decisions. It's not your secret to keep and if your WH gets mad it's just the consequences of his actions. My guess though is your WH has already told OW you know and she has told her fiance you are a crazy person but it's still his choice to move forward with the M once he gets the information.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:47 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 2201 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
♀ 34602
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't acting like everything is "normal" in a group of friends acting like...friends?!? He can not have this kind of relationship with the OW. Not any kind of relationship!! He needs to ditch this group. And if he belly aches you can say, "what do parents tell their kids when they move and they're worried about friends? You'll make new ones."

If you know the fiancé's name and some general information, and can access the investigative tips forum, someone could help you out. Is he living with OW and do you know her address? You can send a certified letter to him and he ha to sign for it.

Me: 35
WH: 36 TimeToManUp
Married: 14 years, together 19 years
3 daughters: 12, 8, 5, and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)

D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.

Posts: 1840 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the group knew of the A, they are not friends of your M, and your H needs to understand that. If e's unwilling to leave the group whether ow does or not, he's not a good candidate for R.

Continued contact is a big impediment to R. If he doesn't go NC, he's not a good candidate for R.

Do her fiancé a favor - let him know what his GF was doing while he was courting her....

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16591 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 6

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
© 2002 - 2017 All Rights Reserved.