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Newest Member: NHope (61816)

User Topic: A strange question
♂ 41857
Member # 41857
Stop  Posted: 10:20 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi members of SI,

I am having a very difficult time deciding what to do with a certain situation, so I am hoping for some advice. My BS filed for D, but I still want to work on R. She not totally opposed to R, but will not stop the D proceedings. Here's the issue: she says that I need to give her all of my email, bank, phone passwords for transparency and to regain trust, which I understand and would totally do, but because we are going through divorce, I am worried that I should not do this. I am not trying to hide anything specific, but I am fearful that she could use something that she finds against me in the D. Has anyone had a similar situation? What are people's thoughts on this? I am certain I know my lawyer's answer, but I can't decide what to do...

Thanks in advance for your help.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ 36684
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go with your lawyers advice.

FWS me 38 (recovering addict)
BS him 41 AFrayedKnot
Together 10 years
2 children

"Your secrets keep you sick"

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
♂ 42002
Member # 42002
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lawyers are paid to evaluate risk and advise you of risks. They will tend to take the most conservative approach. (I am NOT saying this is wrong or a bad idea in your case.)

If you want R, and your W is truly open to it, there would be value in openness with her.

There's also the possibility that she has no intention of R and is keeping open the possibility so you share everything, and will then use it any way she can.

My recommendation - and it's probably an expensive one - is that you go over the material (or at least types of material and its general content) with your lawyer and figure out what the specific risks would be in letting her have access to it.

Then you can decide from a position of much more specific information, based on those risks, your desire for R, and whatever you can discern as her true state of mind. Be VERY cautious and try to have a clear-eyed view of your wife's motives. If you have serious doubt, and/or there are signficant risks, it's probably wise to go conservative (and realize that it hurts your chance of R, although that chance may already be very slight). I will also state officially for the record that I am not a lawyer and am not advising you to go against your lawyer's advice. Just advising you to make sure you get the most specific advice possible.

Before going into R my BW and I executed a post-nup. Have you considered this? It basically lays out what a divorce settlement would look like, without going through the actual divorce proceedings.

[This message edited by PrideFallen at 11:39 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Me: WH
Her: BW
D-Day June 2013
Working on R

Posts: 63 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ 41583
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my response will come across very naive, so please forgive me. I find it odd that she doesn't already have a general picture of your assets. My BH knows all of our financial picture, including my IRA I started when I was 18. After Dday, I have no doubt he combed through all of our records to verify what money was spent where. He does have full access to my e-mail, phone records, FB, everything. I'm in more of a state of limbo than you, in that divorce has not been started. We are in a pseudo separation, I'm sleeping in another room, and don't go into his room unless I'm making the bed or getting some of my clothing. Otherwise it's his sacred space now.

My questions are: 1) are you in a fault state? 2) what do you have to lose if she has access to that information? 3) is what you have to gain greater than what you stand to lose?

Finally, I would also recommend that if you aren't sure on any of that, that you get in to consult a lawyer. They can help you navigate those questions. But I will agree with what's been said before, they will give you the most conservative (protectionist) advice.

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly."

Posts: 760 | Registered: Dec 2013
♂ 42002
Member # 42002
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to clarify from my previous post, if you're serious about R, or at least R before divorce, you will have to be open and provide access to email, phones, etc.

You'll have to disclose all of the financial stuff, anyway, as part of the process, although disclosing the existence and value of accounts is different from providing passwords to access them.

My previous comment was coming from the standpoint of not knowing, based on what you said, if R is a realistic option. At some point if you want R you'll have to take the leap of faith and be an open book.

Your lawyer can advise you on any risk to doing so - it may actually be very slight - and you'll at least have that information.

I made some concessions in our post-nup because I knew it was the price of R and I decided to take the leap of faith. I have no regrets; it was a small thing in the end to try to save my family, given everything I had done to destroy it.

Me: WH
Her: BW
D-Day June 2013
Working on R

Posts: 63 | Registered: Jan 2014
Darkness Falls
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my XH divorced me, he too initially said that he was not opposed to fact, that he hoped we *could* R.

Yeah, that lasted about a month. I found out that he'd already started fucking my so-called BFF and had her moved into the former marital home within 2 weeks after that.

Of course, his rebound "relationship" crashed and burned spectacularly and we are now in R. But I would just advise you to be careful.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 5:17 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

WS, 5-month EA/PA '09-'10

Divorced from (2010) and remarried to (2014) XBH

1 1/2-year-old daughter and another baby girl on the way

Posts: 4623 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Central Florida
♀ 35173
Member # 35173
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my H filed for D I did seek the advice of an attorney because I wanted to know my rights, especially concerning my kids, however, after d-day I gave him access to everything and quit hiding things. So if you are trying to work on R I believe that everything should be open to review. If you do have other things you don't want your BS to have knowledge of, that's a big red flag. The only way to have true R is to have trust and the only way to gain trust is not to hide anything, right?

ME: 38
BH: 41
Kids: 10,9,6
D-Day: 30Jan12
not giving up

Posts: 38 | Registered: Mar 2012
Topic Posts: 7

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