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InfiniteHope posted 1/21/2014 10:20 AM

Hi members of SI,

I am having a very difficult time deciding what to do with a certain situation, so I am hoping for some advice. My BS filed for D, but I still want to work on R. She not totally opposed to R, but will not stop the D proceedings. Here's the issue: she says that I need to give her all of my email, bank, phone passwords for transparency and to regain trust, which I understand and would totally do, but because we are going through divorce, I am worried that I should not do this. I am not trying to hide anything specific, but I am fearful that she could use something that she finds against me in the D. Has anyone had a similar situation? What are people's thoughts on this? I am certain I know my lawyer's answer, but I can't decide what to do...

Thanks in advance for your help.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 1/21/2014 10:36 AM

Go with your lawyers advice.

PrideFallen posted 1/21/2014 11:37 AM

Lawyers are paid to evaluate risk and advise you of risks. They will tend to take the most conservative approach. (I am NOT saying this is wrong or a bad idea in your case.)

If you want R, and your W is truly open to it, there would be value in openness with her.

There's also the possibility that she has no intention of R and is keeping open the possibility so you share everything, and will then use it any way she can.

My recommendation - and it's probably an expensive one - is that you go over the material (or at least types of material and its general content) with your lawyer and figure out what the specific risks would be in letting her have access to it.

Then you can decide from a position of much more specific information, based on those risks, your desire for R, and whatever you can discern as her true state of mind. Be VERY cautious and try to have a clear-eyed view of your wife's motives. If you have serious doubt, and/or there are signficant risks, it's probably wise to go conservative (and realize that it hurts your chance of R, although that chance may already be very slight). I will also state officially for the record that I am not a lawyer and am not advising you to go against your lawyer's advice. Just advising you to make sure you get the most specific advice possible.

Before going into R my BW and I executed a post-nup. Have you considered this? It basically lays out what a divorce settlement would look like, without going through the actual divorce proceedings.

[This message edited by PrideFallen at 11:39 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Wayflost posted 1/21/2014 15:07 PM

I think my response will come across very naive, so please forgive me. I find it odd that she doesn't already have a general picture of your assets. My BH knows all of our financial picture, including my IRA I started when I was 18. After Dday, I have no doubt he combed through all of our records to verify what money was spent where. He does have full access to my e-mail, phone records, FB, everything. I'm in more of a state of limbo than you, in that divorce has not been started. We are in a pseudo separation, I'm sleeping in another room, and don't go into his room unless I'm making the bed or getting some of my clothing. Otherwise it's his sacred space now.

My questions are: 1) are you in a fault state? 2) what do you have to lose if she has access to that information? 3) is what you have to gain greater than what you stand to lose?

Finally, I would also recommend that if you aren't sure on any of that, that you get in to consult a lawyer. They can help you navigate those questions. But I will agree with what's been said before, they will give you the most conservative (protectionist) advice.

PrideFallen posted 1/21/2014 15:34 PM

I want to clarify from my previous post, if you're serious about R, or at least R before divorce, you will have to be open and provide access to email, phones, etc.

You'll have to disclose all of the financial stuff, anyway, as part of the process, although disclosing the existence and value of accounts is different from providing passwords to access them.

My previous comment was coming from the standpoint of not knowing, based on what you said, if R is a realistic option. At some point if you want R you'll have to take the leap of faith and be an open book.

Your lawyer can advise you on any risk to doing so - it may actually be very slight - and you'll at least have that information.

I made some concessions in our post-nup because I knew it was the price of R and I decided to take the leap of faith. I have no regrets; it was a small thing in the end to try to save my family, given everything I had done to destroy it.

Darkness Falls posted 1/21/2014 17:17 PM

When my XH divorced me, he too initially said that he was not opposed to R...in fact, that he hoped we *could* R.

Yeah, that lasted about a month. I found out that he'd already started fucking my so-called BFF and had her moved into the former marital home within 2 weeks after that.

Of course, his rebound "relationship" crashed and burned spectacularly and we are now in R. But I would just advise you to be careful.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 5:17 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

JNRPA posted 1/21/2014 18:31 PM

Hi,
When my H filed for D I did seek the advice of an attorney because I wanted to know my rights, especially concerning my kids, however, after d-day I gave him access to everything and quit hiding things. So if you are trying to work on R I believe that everything should be open to review. If you do have other things you don't want your BS to have knowledge of, that's a big red flag. The only way to have true R is to have trust and the only way to gain trust is not to hide anything, right?