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loba1957 posted 1/21/2014 10:24 AM

Below is a text to my wife and her response. I'd just like to get some perspective on this. I'd like to hear from you guys before I add my thoughts. Thanks.
I do hate him. He is a pathetic broken excuse for a man. I hate the A for all the hurt it caused everyone. And I don't like the person you were during the A. I don't like the part of you that still holds the A inside. That's the part that hurts the worst I think. The lies, the half truths, the trying to make things appear not as bad as they were causes a lot of damage. What you have said or didn't say since you confessed has caused the most damage.
I know you are still broken. I know I am still broken but we are working on us which is important. I hope that things get better. I hope that I will learn what you really need and want from me. I always feel like I should be doing more. Kiss you more. Touch you more. Hug you more. Talk about sex more. Talk about sex less. Use you. Don't use you. Talk about the As. Don't talk about the As. I'm confused a lot of the time.
I have to learn to deal with this other person that you brought into our lives. I have to deal with knowing that you did things with him that you've never done with me. I have to deal with knowing that for whatever reason he made you become this wild passionate person that I could never get you to be. I'm always afraid to really make love to you because now I don't know what you want. I know that sounds silly but it's how I feel sometimes. 
I hate him as well I hate that he made me think he actually cared about me that he said nice things to me I hate that he told me I was sexy and beautiful and that he wanted to know more about me I hate that I always had to be the one to kik him because he wanted to hear fromi me and when I did I never got a response or it took him days to respond. I hate that every time I went into work he always made me the focus which made me to believe he liked me and the truth is he didn't he just wanted a piece. he wanted to see my body and all i wanted, needed was someone to just see me and to see that I am interesting and that there's more to me then my body. I should have known I wasn't going to get that from another man because the man that seen that from the beginning was the man I had at home doing everything to make me happy. I didn't see that though I was so caught up with this asshole that did nothing but use me and destroy everything good I knew I was and he made me neglect everyone that ment the world to me he made me act in a way that I would have never acted. I was a different person with him he seen me as nothing but a piece of ass and I let him. to him I wasn't a mother a devoted wife a home maker a friend I was a play toy. I was a body. I was a lost soul that he knew he could use. he was comfortable with using me. I had more to lose than him if our A was out in the open. he knew he could talk his way out of it cause he was a pro at using people. he seen my life so much better than his. I was loved and I loved. I have a family my life was perfect and he wanted to destroy that because he doesn't have that. he will NEVER have that. He is a destroyer he is pathetic. he will never be a man and he knows that.

Brandon808 posted 1/21/2014 10:36 AM

Is she still in the fog? The first half of that text comes across like a woman who just got dumped by a guy and all of the ways he wronged her. She's talking about her disappointment that he wasn't who she thought he was. It's all about him but the regret is twisted because he fed her a line. The last half is about her pain. I didn't get any sense that it even registers with her that you're hurt or that she owns her choices. He used her. He destroyed her. No...she chose to listen and accept that attention.

norabird posted 1/21/2014 10:42 AM

I agree her response is foggy...she hates what HE did to HER, not what SHE did to YOU.

Daddo posted 1/21/2014 10:54 AM

I don't have much perspective to add.

Let's start with I'm so sorry. I feel for you. I'm sure you are in dreadful pain - and that you wake up every morning knowing that pain isn't going away.

That said, I see light, and hope in her response. You got more out of her than I ever got out of my WS. She is showing pain and remorse and she understands how destructive and terrible her actions were. Yes, there is reason for hope.

Remember that marriages can recover from this shit. It is possible to come out of this with a stronger, happier relationship that can last the rest of your lives. But it is not easy. Both of you need to set your expectations to see that the next few years are going to suck. You suffered a major emotional wound - and that can't just be plastered over. It will take years for your sense of self, for your identity to return. It will take years for your trust and love of her to return.

Keep trying, get through the day - each day, one by one. It will get better. See hope in her response - but don't see a miracle. There is a lot of hard work and a lot of awkward and unpleasant time ahead of you.

I don't have much faith in marriage counselors, but a therapist might help you keep your perspective as you go through the many stages of recovery. Keep reading and posting here - this site can do you a great deal of good.

It might help if your WS started participating int he wayward forum. She too has a lot of recovery to go through. She is hating herself right now. That's not an easy place to be.

Thank her for her response. But tell her that you will need the next 6 months to a year just to recover from this before you can really focus on the marriage. Set that time as a kind of relationship "time-out" where you are kind and civil with each other - but where you don't have much space in you for love and passion for her. After all, how can you trust her passion or love for you. Trust has to be earned - and that takes a long time.

Good luck. As I said, it will get better - but it will also take a long time.

little turtle posted 1/21/2014 12:11 PM

Excuses excuses excuses. She needs to own her part in her affair.

I read/skimmed some of your other posts. Has she sent a NC letter? Does she still see him at work? What is she doing to work things out? You mentioned at one point your WW said this is a revenge affair for when you cheated on her several years ago. How did you guys work through that? Did you seek counseling and resolve the issues that lead you to cheating?


NoReGrets posted 1/21/2014 12:15 PM

As some of the above posters said, she seems pretty foggy still.

Would she still hate him if he were still around and hadn't merely "used" her? What happens the next time someone else comes around and shows genuine interest in her? She needs to figure out what is broken and lacking within herself that allowed her to let someone "use" her.

She sounds like a bitter and hurt person who hasn't taken responsibility for her actions and the devastation she caused you and your family. She sounds like she's still more worried about herself at the moment, and not the well-being of you or your family.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.


cluless posted 1/21/2014 13:58 PM

Daddo gave you some great advice. When I read your WW's response, it sounds like she is the victim in all of this. I see that she somewhat gets it, but honestly, no where close to where you two need to be to reconcile.

I'm 5-1/2 months from D-day and my WH is just beginning to see the magnitude of pain he caused me & the family. With that said, he still doesn't get it, he's still not doing what I need to feel safe & heal. We've had some good times together since the A, but there hasn't been a day where I've felt good and not have this horrible pain that won't go away.

READ READ READ, have her read and read together and TALK this out. MC didn't work for us, we are now in IC. Good Luck!

loba1957 posted 1/21/2014 18:27 PM

Thank you guys for your input. I wanted some perspective on this because trying to make sense of everything is so draining. 
I too felt her response was lacking. She didnt really address anything I brought up. I don't have much sympathy for how he made her feel. She was used and fell for it completely. A part of me believes that she is still reeling from that. She admits to having feelings for him but stops short of calling it love.
Getting her to talk about her A is like pulling teeth. She clams up and really does not say much but she will let me go on for hours.
I have told her that Im very near to leaving her. I told her that I believe she would let me walk rather than begin to open up. Why is that? Does it really mean I'm just not worth opening up for as far as she is concerned? Then why stay me? When it gets like this she does start to talk but it's never very long and she always seems to sound angry. It's an undertone but that's what I hear. As she left for work she said we will talk tomorrow because she is off. Forgive me if I don't hold my breath.
Ive tried to explain many times what this has done to me, the lack of trust, mind movies, questioning everything she says and does. I explained our whole foundation has been destroyed. I asked her again and again to just tell me everything no matter how painful it might be. At least that way it's out on the table and we can really start to work on things. Her response is 'I dont know what else I can tell you'. We are talking about an 18 month A. I bet there is alot you can tell me. Trying to work on things without that show of trust and honesty is a waste of time I think.
I do try to give her the benefit of doubt. I know she is going thru a lot of issues right now and has many issues from the past. I know her self esteem is shot and has been for a long time. She comes from a family that holds everything inside. She learned to compartmentalise very early on. She tells me that talking about it makes her see how bad of a person she was. I know these things but at the same time I feel like I am supposed to be what is important to her. I'm here to help her, love and support her. And then I ask myself what am I getting? Right now I could use a little help. The HB sex is great. But what I really need is for her to shutdown and just start talking. Is that asking for too much? Should I be more understanding and put this on the back burner for awhile and help her? I really don't know what to do at this point.
She has agreed to sit down and go thru the 1000 pics I collected and tell me which ones she sent him. She started to do that but we had to stop due to the kids being home. She did tell me that was very hard for her to do. I didn't comment but I really wanted to tell her just how hard that was for me. Everytime she pointed out a pic it was like I had a knife run thru me. Am I asking or expecting too much?

LifeIsBroken posted 1/22/2014 00:22 AM

You would think that a WS who truly regrets what he/she has done would do ANYTHING to repair the damage to the M if that M is important / valuable to them.

Are you asking too much ? Apparently.
Are your expectations unrealistic ? Probably.

If there is anything I've been reminded of through all this mess it's that I can trust only one person on this earth and that person is me. Also, I had forgotten my own best rule established in my early 20's: have no expectations and you'll not be disappointed.

I didn't do anything to cause my xh to destroy our M. I did everything I knew how after D-Day to save our M. Was I asking too much of my ws to do the same ? Obviously, because he wasn't doing it; instead, he would pick and choose what suited him to 'save' our M. (He didn't choose honesty, by the way.) About 6 months after D-Day, I faced the reality that our M was far more important to me than to him. I had allowed myself to have expectations: big mistake.

Perhaps if you will take this day to day, not be in a hurry, eventually your WS will give you answers to your questions. Perhaps, if she takes too long to do this, you will awake one morning and decide enough is enough and you've had enough. Best to put all expectations aside until you either get what you need and want - or you don't and make a determination that there is no point in continuing with the effort to rebuild the M. I didn't 'plan' to know if / when I would be done…. no giving it 3 months or 6 months or a year…. but the day came when I knew I just couldn't do it any longer, that I had to save myself. (((( loba1957))))

Jesu posted 1/22/2014 00:41 AM

Seems like she is experiencing regret, not remorse. Regret is about her pain, not yours. If she were remorseful she would have focused her response on you, what you are going through, and what you are feeling. I mean, she didn't even apologise.

[This message edited by Jesu at 12:41 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

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