We have been together since 2003
We have 4 children
Let's start with I'm so sorry. I feel for you. I'm sure you are in dreadful pain - and that you wake up every morning knowing that pain isn't going away.
That said, I see light, and hope in her response. You got more out of her than I ever got out of my WS. She is showing pain and remorse and she understands how destructive and terrible her actions were. Yes, there is reason for hope.
Remember that marriages can recover from this shit. It is possible to come out of this with a stronger, happier relationship that can last the rest of your lives. But it is not easy. Both of you need to set your expectations to see that the next few years are going to suck. You suffered a major emotional wound - and that can't just be plastered over. It will take years for your sense of self, for your identity to return. It will take years for your trust and love of her to return.
Keep trying, get through the day - each day, one by one. It will get better. See hope in her response - but don't see a miracle. There is a lot of hard work and a lot of awkward and unpleasant time ahead of you.
I don't have much faith in marriage counselors, but a therapist might help you keep your perspective as you go through the many stages of recovery. Keep reading and posting here - this site can do you a great deal of good.
It might help if your WS started participating int he wayward forum. She too has a lot of recovery to go through. She is hating herself right now. That's not an easy place to be.
Thank her for her response. But tell her that you will need the next 6 months to a year just to recover from this before you can really focus on the marriage. Set that time as a kind of relationship "time-out" where you are kind and civil with each other - but where you don't have much space in you for love and passion for her. After all, how can you trust her passion or love for you. Trust has to be earned - and that takes a long time.
Good luck. As I said, it will get better - but it will also take a long time.
I read/skimmed some of your other posts. Has she sent a NC letter? Does she still see him at work? What is she doing to work things out? You mentioned at one point your WW said this is a revenge affair for when you cheated on her several years ago. How did you guys work through that? Did you seek counseling and resolve the issues that lead you to cheating?
3 boys: 10, 9, and 6 months
Would she still hate him if he were still around and hadn't merely "used" her? What happens the next time someone else comes around and shows genuine interest in her? She needs to figure out what is broken and lacking within herself that allowed her to let someone "use" her.
She sounds like a bitter and hurt person who hasn't taken responsibility for her actions and the devastation she caused you and your family. She sounds like she's still more worried about herself at the moment, and not the well-being of you or your family.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
I'm 5-1/2 months from D-day and my WH is just beginning to see the magnitude of pain he caused me & the family. With that said, he still doesn't get it, he's still not doing what I need to feel safe & heal. We've had some good times together since the A, but there hasn't been a day where I've felt good and not have this horrible pain that won't go away.
READ READ READ, have her read and read together and TALK this out. MC didn't work for us, we are now in IC. Good Luck!
Status: We're going to try IC one more time.
Are you asking too much ? Apparently.
Are your expectations unrealistic ? Probably.
If there is anything I've been reminded of through all this mess it's that I can trust only one person on this earth and that person is me. Also, I had forgotten my own best rule established in my early 20's: have no expectations and you'll not be disappointed.
I didn't do anything to cause my xh to destroy our M. I did everything I knew how after D-Day to save our M. Was I asking too much of my ws to do the same ? Obviously, because he wasn't doing it; instead, he would pick and choose what suited him to 'save' our M. (He didn't choose honesty, by the way.) About 6 months after D-Day, I faced the reality that our M was far more important to me than to him. I had allowed myself to have expectations: big mistake.
Perhaps if you will take this day to day, not be in a hurry, eventually your WS will give you answers to your questions. Perhaps, if she takes too long to do this, you will awake one morning and decide enough is enough and you've had enough. Best to put all expectations aside until you either get what you need and want - or you don't and make a determination that there is no point in continuing with the effort to rebuild the M. I didn't 'plan' to know if / when I would be done…. no giving it 3 months or 6 months or a year…. but the day came when I knew I just couldn't do it any longer, that I had to save myself. (((( loba1957))))
[This message edited by Jesu at 12:41 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]