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not quite the plain of lethal flatness but no sure what it is

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reallysad2012 posted 1/21/2014 11:01 AM

I am wondering if anyone else is in this place right now or if you've been here and got through it to an even better place. Is this a sign that I am on the right track?

My happiness isn't back yet, but I am feeling better. About one month ago I decided to stop trying to force myself to feel okay about any of this. I stopped trying to force acceptance. Now, I think maybe it is sneaking up on me. I still think about the A all the time but the pain is almost gone. And I wouldn't say that I am numb, either. I felt that before. This is different.

I would like to be able to be silly someday...just deliriously happy...innocently happy. That is so not back yet.

Tested out my new feelings at the store today trying to buy a birthday card for fWH and had to put most of them back. They all said stuff like "you are my knight in shining armour", "I'm so lucky to have you", etc. I just couldn't buy those.

AFrayedKnot posted 1/21/2014 11:34 AM

Your Dday is a week before my full truth day. So we are about on the same time frame even though my dday was 10 months prior.

I have been where you are and still am on many days. I think it is normal. I have been trying to look at how to make today great completely separate from the past.

StillStanding1 posted 1/21/2014 12:59 PM

I can't offer advice or even insight... I just know I sometimes feel the same way. I, too, wish for innocent happiness again someday. Is it possible? I don't have any idea. sigh.

As for card shopping... That can bring me to tears. I guess there's a marketing opportunity for cards for those suffering from infidelity. Not so many of the "Happy Anniversary to my KISA, rock, the one I respect"... or Father's Day card to "the man I want my children to emulate". I tried 3 times to find a card for our 20th anniversary and wound up crying in the aisle all 3 times. Gave up. another sigh.

Hoping you find peace.

reallysad2012 posted 1/21/2014 13:08 PM

Thanks Chicho and StillStanding1 for your replies. I know this is a stage. I just don't quite know what to do with it. But that's how I felt during the other stages. I didn't understand them until I was through them.

I did find a card today. One of the lines was "It's enjoying the best and forgiving the worst" so at least there is some reference to the fact that all is not roses around here. I have not really forgiven yet, but I am working on it.

I really want that innocent happiness back. It's going to be awhile.

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