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About to be sick. Need advice.

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smile_it_helps posted 1/21/2014 12:04 PM

t's been almost 6 years. It's been great. We've been great. We are empty nesters now and loving it.

Came home after being out on Saturday night. In other words had a few drinks in me or I would have ignored. I had a friend request from a woman I didn't know. I accepted. We had some mutual friends. After I accepted I see her pictures and there is her and other woman (I haven't seen her in 6 years she was my bestfriend) Then I see this person not only requested me but other woman's ex-husband and his new wife.

So I made the mistake of messaging her. The person who friend requested me not other woman and I just said what's up? Do we know one another? I see you requested myself, otherwomans husband and his new wife all at the same time. Did you need something or have something you wanted to tell me.

She read message and ignored. Yes I stupidly went on. I said ok well you look nice and have a beautiful family I don't know why you friend requested me but please be careful if your have brought otherwoman around your family. That's all I said.

So come Sunday morning I unfriend this person and go back to smartly forgetting all this. I'm happy.

Today I get this from ow on facebook.


Umm a friend of mine who is basically an aquataince called me and told me what you said about me be careful about slandering someone and BTW the love and connective ness that we shared you will never have now that's a FACT

I ignored her and she just sent this.


And since you opened this can of worms from the past ask your darling husband the key he cherishes from our beautiful night together at the Virginia House

I'm about to throw up. I think I am about to have a panic attack.

The only good thing that has come from this is I never thought I would love my husband quite as much as I had before the affair. I now realize I do. OMG I stupidly do. I let myself fall totally in love with him again. How stupid can I get? Why? Why would I do that?

.

...


Sent from Mobile

confused615 posted 1/21/2014 12:08 PM

I think I would have to respond with,"It's not slander if it's true. And..a KEY? LOL! Ok. I have his heart..you have..what? Nothing? LOL"

But then..Im a fucktard(according to one unremorseful WW), so maybe my advice isn't the best.

No, really. Ignore her. Fuck that bitch.

unarmbears posted 1/21/2014 12:10 PM

Please block her. She is trying to get under your skin. If you block her you won't get any messages, see any of her posts on anyone's timeline and will be unable to contact her and best of all she can't contact you without making a new profile.

You will be fine. It's okay to let your guard down and love your husband. Did you tell him about the messages? Copy them and keep them if you didn't.

Don't let her get any more free rent in your head. Block her friend too. It will be freedom for you and that is what you need.

thisissogross posted 1/21/2014 12:11 PM

She is deliberately messing with your head and doing her best to upset you. Talk as calmly as you can with your husband and ignore ignore ignore her.

SoVerySadNow posted 1/21/2014 12:12 PM

He probably tossed that key into the trash long ago. She's just trying to get at you. It's good you unfriended the joint friend- now block OW. And don't take the bait. She's showing jealousy, IMHO.

smile_it_helps posted 1/21/2014 12:18 PM

Thank you everyone. UGH deep breaths...why after all this time?

I told my husband Saturday night about the woman who friend requested me. He just thought it was a coincidence since we had mutual friends. I didn't tell him about ow and her messages. I don't want to. What if he gets angry and tries to protect me by calling her. That's probably what she wants. Why now? SIX years later. How can people not move on in six years?

I am so sick. I want so badly to call my husband but I just can't. I can't.

hopingforhappy posted 1/21/2014 12:24 PM

Ok, I understand why you are upset, but please don't let her manipulate you like this. Turn it around in your mind. Her comments are laughable! She is holding on to some ridiculous memory, inflating its importance, just to make herself feel better about her despicable behavior. I would bet that your FHW has no fond memories of their time together--just the opposite. Your reaction should be "Ha, you wish, honey!" You have the upper hand here, don't let her sow doubts in your mind. As I told OW in our situation, the only time I sent her a message "You can live in the fantasy land where you and FWH are soul mates, but you are going to have to live there alone." So is she--you are with him, she is not. She can go suck on that!

All of this should be said in your head or to your FWH or to all of us on SI. Do not engage her. She is not worth your time.

ETA: You asked why after all this time would she contact you. I think she is embarrassed about her friend asking what you might have meant when you warned her about OW. She is just trying to get back at you for your remarks (even though they are totally justified--and not slander, because they are true!).

[This message edited by hopingforhappy at 12:29 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

brohl5 posted 1/21/2014 12:25 PM

First thing....breathe. It sounds like the OW is fishing. Is he up to something? Well, it's possible and I would keep quiet and go into stealth mode. Trust by verify KWIM? But it sounds to me like she is enjoying getting under your skin.

I am confused why this "friend" of hers would friend request this woman's XH and his new wife. If my friend did that I would be pissed! So I wonder if OW has set up a fake FB account under this woman's name and is trying to stir up a mess. Are you in contact with OW's XH? Maybe you could ask him his opinion.

Most definitely you need to block her. I would not respond back because that is what she is wanting you to do. Just block her and the friend, immediately.

Does your H know this happened?

Ostrich80 posted 1/21/2014 12:28 PM

Ignore the skank. I don't think it was coincidence. I think ow had this person request you just to mess with your head. Does she really think she's so damn special. You should have told her...he dis-connected you..AND THAT'S A FACT.
She's obviously not moved on.

blakesteele posted 1/21/2014 12:29 PM

Feel your feelings....journal about them....do what you do to feel them.....

Your feelings are reminding you of what happened in the past. This fAP is using old facts to try and get you to believe something is presently occurring.

Once you feel those feelings fully....check them against your present facts. See if there is any reason to choose to act on those feelings...many times there won't be.

This is not blakesteele wisdom....it is a very simple, very real, very powerful way to fight anxiety. I picked it up from a therapist while I was seeking help with my anxiety.....which was exactly timed to when my wife started her affair! Big surprise......

Anyway, the healthiest thing a person can do with anxiety is to work it out with this process.

Your feelings are REAL....even though the facts that trigger them now really are true....they are no longer "true in the present"--the facts are no longer "in-play".

By the evidence presented by the fAP (facebook comments) she is stuck in the past....has not grown anywhere from where she was. Those 6 year old facts are still very much "in-play" for her. Just because TIME passes does not mean healing is occurring. You and your husband have made CHOICES over the past TIME period...and have grown back together through those many, many choices. She is attempting to keep you from growing, to doubt your choices and the real results (facts) of those choices....for if you grow (and you have) she will feel like even MORE of a failure.


I see this in my D friends...those that are still jaded and blame their ex's for all of their misery are all to pleased when they detect marital strife in others. Honestly, I kinda saw a bit of this in my own Mom....who was still very much jaded and blamed my Dad for their D. Since my wife and I are choosing to learn to R, my Mom is looking at her own D.....and processing a bit of that now, 30 years later!


Now, you may very well find some things to work on in your M still because of this "feeling vetting" process....but that is nothing to be scared of....that is, I believe, how intimacy and marriages grow. By two healthy people realizing that it is healthy to NOT be happy happy happy.

That is one of the mistakes pre-A blakesteele and Mrs. blakesteele were guilty of too.


Oh...and this is BIG!!!

You might feel like a fool, might feel stupid for allowing yourself to R with your husband. But check the facts....I bet you will disprove those feelings too.

You are not a fool, you are not stupid.....you are growing and maturing in ways some of society would never choose to. Your husbands FORMER AP is among that group.

Post often....we got your back.

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:40 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

brohl5 posted 1/21/2014 12:32 PM

OW in my case reared her ugly head years later too. It's not uncommon. They truly do live in a fantasy world.

"You can live in the fantasy land where you and FWH are soul mates, but you are going to have to live there alone."

I LOVE this!

SIH, I am so sorry that you have had to go back to this dark place this week. Please don't be mad at yourself for falling deeper in love with your H. I'm glad for you both.

smile_it_helps posted 1/21/2014 12:33 PM

Thanks hoping for happy.

No Brohl it's def not a fake account. I can tell by her friend list kids pics and the picture of her and OW.

I did contact her ex-husband. He had said yes to this woman's friend request at first also because they had some real estate contacts together. He doesn't know her either. We both unfriended her.

I really thought at first since she contacted me, the exh and exh new wife that maybe she was having problems with OW herself. Well I guess not. I hate this...

smile_it_helps posted 1/21/2014 12:35 PM

Thank you so much Blakesteele. I will try.

Rebreather posted 1/21/2014 12:35 PM

I believe in full transparency in marriage; which means were I in your shoes, I would tell my husband. If he is really committed to you and your recovery, he won't break NC.

She's fishing, she's a horrible person. Take it as an opportunity to turn toward your spouse, not away.

blakesteele posted 1/21/2014 12:49 PM

Side note.....from a guy that has worked around law suits in my line of work.....

Slander is false in nature.....what you experienced first hand gives you knowledge of what this person is capable of because FACTUAL ACTIONS that you PERSONALLY OBSERVED.

You did not slander this person.

Even in cases were real slander has occurred, many times the case is lost when the person who is accused of slander reports what they did as their "opinion". Opinions don't need to be factual in nature.

Almost didn't mention it because this fOW is not worth that much time....but I still get angry to think about a person so very willing, so intentional in their actions that I find myself wanting to set them straight.

yeah....i got some more growing to do myself.

Okay.....I have said too much....hang in there.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:54 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

blakesteele posted 1/21/2014 12:51 PM

I would tell my husband.

Rebreather....so spot on. Sorry I failed to mention this.

My wife has shared some things with me regarding running into fAP around town....not talking or breaking NC, just some odd behaviors (parking locations, timing of getting out of his vehicle in relation to her physical location,etc). It really does provide an opportunity to nurture initimacy.

Peace.

sadinlex posted 1/21/2014 12:53 PM

Bitch

After 6 years, and she's still trying to mindfuck you? What does that say about her?


((((smile_it_helps))))

I never thought I would love my husband quite as much as I had before the affair. I now realize I do. OMG I stupidly do. I let myself fall totally in love with him again. How stupid can I get? Why? Why would I do that?

There's nothing stupid there, I think this is beautiful

smile_it_helps posted 1/21/2014 12:58 PM

Thanks. Yes I realize I didn't slander her. It's just that sick feeling you know? The whole double betrayal. Why would she want to hurt me all over again? That's the only thing that gives me pause...

So many things are going through my mind. Does she have hope now that both our kids are in college he will want her? Has she tried to contact him and he didn't respond and didn't tell me so she got angry?

You're right rebreather. I have to wait till he comes home though. It's killing me. He just called to say hi all happy. It was so hard to sound normal...

TrulySad posted 1/21/2014 12:59 PM

I believe it's important to talk to your husband about this. You can't live in a truly R marriage, hiding things. And in this case it involves his XAP. Please don't allow her this control again. Have faith in your H, and discuss it. This is his time to prove to you some things.

Also, on a side note... are you aware of a key and a night at the Virginia House? If your H never told you about this, it's obviously something you need clarification on.

I hope you can gain some peace over all this. She sounds like a whack job living in a dead fantasy.

smile_it_helps posted 1/21/2014 13:01 PM

Sadinlex I told myself I would never allow him to hurt me again. If I don't fully love I can't hurt. I let my guard down and let him fully back in and didn't even realize it till now when I am feeling the pain, the rapid heartbeat, cant breathe about to be sick again.

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