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Who knows your spouse cheated?

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EB1541 posted 1/21/2014 12:31 PM

It's been 19 days since day. I've told one person. I am sorta embarrassed for his family to know he cheated. I think he would get mad at me if told them. So I was just wondering should I keep it a secret or tell someone?

Who have you told?

[This message edited by EB1541 at 12:32 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

bobf posted 1/21/2014 12:35 PM

Just my ww, me, the OM and his spouse that I notified. I did not tell our kids or anyone else. We'll, our ICs know as we'll as our psychiatrists, but none of our friends or family.

I did not think it would be helpful to R in our case if everybody knew.

[This message edited by bobf at 12:36 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Coachdig10 posted 1/21/2014 12:43 PM

My WW, the OM and that is it. Don't really want anyone else to know.

Brandon808 posted 1/21/2014 12:49 PM

Before I made the decision to D? No one.
Once I made that choice I told some friends and family.

ascian posted 1/21/2014 13:03 PM

Outside of our counselors and those directly involved? Nobody. Since infidelity is such a polarizing things, we wanted to be farther along in our own healing before inviting others to poke at the wound.

yme32313 posted 1/21/2014 13:06 PM

My family and I are close so I told them. I knew about their relationship problems and seeked advice from them when it happen to me. My best friend knew because she totally understood what I was going through for she had been through it as well.

Shayna71 posted 1/21/2014 13:18 PM

Dday we told the kids, because they are 17 and 19 and they would wonder where Dad went (the plan was for him to leave the next day) We also told our 17 yr old daughter who the affair was with because there was a very good chance the OW was going to try to interact with her (She had access to her through school and sports)and I was having NONE of that. We decided to try to work it out the next day, then we told his parents and mine. Since the kids knew and they were close to them we wanted them to have someone to go to, if they didn't want to talk to us, and we didn't want them to be overwhelmed and tell the g-parents before we did. I have 2 friends who I talk to, and he has one.

simplydevastated posted 1/21/2014 13:22 PM

Only a few close friends, my mom (because I almost had a nervous breakdown) and my cousin (because I was an emotional wreck when my aunt was dying. It all came spilling out).

Blobette posted 1/21/2014 13:26 PM

This is a deeply personal decision and there's no right answer. If your WS is in the fog, sometimes telling people can help pull him out of it. If he's committed to R, sometimes it can be helpful for both you and him to have friends who support you in your path to R. Sometimes family are supportive, but sometimes they just make things worse. At minimum, you each need your own IC to bounce things off of. Personally, I told 3 close female friends, one of whom is a joint WS/BS friend, who has acted a bit like a marital godmother. She works in the same field as WH (even knew the OW), so I feel better when he goes on conferences where the OW is, because the friend is there. Not that I'm worried about WH slipping at this point, but because she's there to support him. WH also had a male friend he could talk to, and at one point even opened up to a second male friend. I saw this as a good sign -- he wanted to be open and honest with his friends. He was initially so ashamed of himself.

Anyway, as I said, it's a personal decision, and really depend on your judgment re whether people will be supportive or not. If you suspect they won't be supportive, hold back. You can always tell them later, once you've settled down. It's tough at the beginning, though, when you feel so lonely.


SoVerySadNow posted 1/21/2014 13:27 PM

My two best friends (20 years history together), our pastor, WS's therapist, and our sons. That was tough, but WH and I sat together to tell them since the younger of the two overheard things on dd.
WH has told none of his friends since his A was out of town and because they would really step back from him.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 1:28 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Pass posted 1/21/2014 13:31 PM

Who have I told?

All of my friends, all of my family, all of my new neighbours, some of my clients, a couple of waitresses at my local bar, my optician, my shrink, the entire audience at my weekly open stage, everyone I jam with, old friends, strangers on the bus. Almost fucking everybody!

Her family is a bunch of arseholes, so I never told them. They wouldn't have believed it, and they probably would have lashed out at me.

I wish I'd told her neighbours (they used to be my neighbours as well). I've become the dirty little secret in the neighbourhood, while they've all be setting her up with their friends and family.

Why have I told so many people? I've discovered that people want to help. They want to be there for me. Am I being selfish? Maybe, but I haven't done a good job of hiding my emotions. People were wondering what'n hell was wrong with me.

Tell fucking everyone, EB. Knowledge is power. You may be worrying about people thinking he's an arse, and that causing some difficult situations if you decide to reconcile. Well, that isn't your problem. He is about to face a metric shitload of consequences, and losing the respect of everyone he knows should be Consequence Number One.

People can't be there for you if they don't know what's wrong. Please get the support you need.

And he'll be mad if you tell people? Fuck him! He has lost all right to get mad about anything!

Blobette posted 1/21/2014 13:38 PM

Oh, EB, I see from your other post that he's an unremorseful jerk. I should have read your post more carefully.

I mean this all in the kindest possible way, although I know it's not going to seem that way: 1) You're not talking because he might get mad? Screw him! YOU'RE the one who should be mad! 2) You're embarassed to let his family know? Why on earth should you be embarassed? They're the ones who raised this cheating scumbag!

Keeping it a secret benefits only him at this point. It keeps you isolated and allows him to manipulate you better. He needs to come face to face with the consequences of his actions. You will never be able to appeal to his better nature -- right now, he doesn't have one.

I can't believe he cheated on you so early in your marriage. He's no good, I'm afraid.

EB1541 posted 1/21/2014 14:28 PM

Thanks for all the responses. I guess I just felt in the wrong if I told anyone. I want to have some support but it's hard when no one knows.

I want some one to know in his family because he is just living life like it's all fine and dandy! I told my mother because I have no close friends. But his family keeps texting me about normal stuff but it's hard when it just reminds me of him and how much he hurt me.

Know that some of you mentioned it. I am keeping a secret for his benefit. It's not fair it just hurting me more. We can't afford counseling and I doubt he would go or even tell the truth there .

But thank you everyone it's nice to see all perspectives.

BrokenMomof2 posted 1/21/2014 14:29 PM

First people I told were my parents, they have been unbelievably supportive with everything, I am so glad I did. The only other family members that know are 1 of my siblings and my uncle (He is a family attorney so I was able to get alot of help from him)

I have told a few friends that have dealt with infidelity before and I knew they would be a good support system and would be accepting of my WH if I let him stay in my life.

None of WH family knows yet. He has a strained relationship with them and is closer with my family. Right now Im not concerned with telling his family, but Im sure it will come out one day.

scarednbroken posted 1/21/2014 14:30 PM

I haven't even told WH I know. But my 17yo son knows... I will be speaking with my mom and a close friend bc I will need their help should things get out of hand.

I told my best friend about 6 years ago when I found out then. She wouldn't stay in same room with him after. Then she moved away for her husbands job. She's the only other one I would tell now if I could...

Then there's all of you!

EB1541 posted 1/21/2014 14:30 PM

And Blobette thank you for the tough love! I needed that eye opener. I need to stop worrying about what benefits him when he clearly doesn't think about what benefits me.

ziganska posted 1/21/2014 14:42 PM

It is a very personal decision. For me, my H, brother and our two therapists know; no one else. My friends know something is going on with me and have asked what's up but I won't tell them just yet. I need much more distance from the A and the DD before I confide in anyone. I think the initial reaction of your friend would be to tell you to leave your H immediately and that might not be what you want to do. They might even stop being your friend if you told them want to R with him (which is why I'm not telling one friend in particular). When you think you have more of a handle on what your H did and what you want to do with that information, I think you'll find it easier to confide in someone else. But for now, I think telling more people might confuse you even more because you'll be getting such unbiased opinions.

mandan66 posted 1/21/2014 15:04 PM

EB---you can put me right there with ((Pass)) except I also told my dog and cat, and surrounding neighbors pets also. YOU don't owe him a damn thing, esp. if he is unremorseful. So, I look at it this way: yes, it is a personal decision, but if you want to tell the world, tell the world! One of the things you learn through all this is who your REAL friends are also. You know your husband didn't have your back---now is a good time to find out which of your friends really have your back. JMO.

EB1541 posted 1/21/2014 15:12 PM

Mandan66. You just made me laugh! :) Thanks you are so right. I know everyone's situation isn't black and white so everyone's answers vary. I just want to know how everyone dealt with this aspect of cheating and their reasons behind it.

I'm so glad I found this site. The support is awesome. The circumstances we are all here really stinks though.

MammaMia posted 1/21/2014 15:13 PM

Soon after dday, my best friend from up north was scheduled to visit us. Actually she was staying with u when I confronted him. I told her everything, every little detail ( I would have anyway even if she were not staying with us)She is the ONE who has helped me tremendously and has listened to my whining and agonizing for the last 4 years and not once has she complained that I am bothering her.

I also told my cousin but I regretted it later because I have a feeling she told her 2 daughters and that is not what I wanted her to do.

Our sons do not know, neither do our families. My parents have long been dead and his were very old and sick and I would not have told them even if they lived close. His sister doesn't know and I don't plan on telling her; we are not close and never have been.

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