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purplejacket4 posted 1/21/2014 12:43 PM

As some of you might remember I'm not only a BS but a child of a BH and WW/MOW. My mom started her 30 year affair with a MM when I was eleven years old. The MM was/is a deacon in the church I grew up in, my father was the minister. Nice right. My dad knew my mom was cheating but no whom with. This is what my dad list his job over in 1983. My parents divorced in 1988 when I was 19.

Fast forward ten years. My mom finally cops to me who MM was. Gross. My dad still thinks this man is his friend. My dad is good friends with MM son who works with him.

Fast forward twenty years. My dad has invested 20K in one of MM's hair brain get rich quick scams. Mom is giving MM (who she's still an AP to) has given him thousands of dollars and has a credit card for him that she pays.
I convinced my mom to close the credit card account and I helped pay it off. I told my dad to STOP giving that loser money for Christ's sake! Dad still doesn't know that his friend was Mom's AP partner.

Fast forward 35 years (about now) over Christmas father was discussing officiating at MM/his "friend's" son's wedding. Friends son (let's call him Brent) is a horn dog asshole who was fucking my contemporaries when I was in high school (he's 10 years older than me). My dad was saying that at the wedding he told Brent his "wandering days" were over. It was all I could do not to say "I wouldn't bet on it...I'm sure the apple doesn't fall far from the tree with that one!" I didn't. I just coldly changed the subject and I'm sure my dad wonders what crawled up my ass.

My dad thinks this reticence between us is because I'm gay. It's not. At the same time I came out to my parents is when I found out identify of MM. It's all I can do not to slip as they all are in a tight not group at church and the business they all worked in. And to make maters worse even my mothers parents are friends with MM. Arrgghhh!!!

I'm just so tired of repressing this and compartmentalizing it. That damn Whitney Houston song "saving all my love for you" came on this am and that threw me into this tailspin. Thanks for reading!

blakesteele posted 1/21/2014 13:06 PM

Wow....that is a complicated situation....very sad. Your Mom settled to be an AP most all of her adult life? And is continuing to do this today?

Not that it is any of my business....but did your Dad invest any time in finding out who the OM was? Not judging....just curious. How did he discover her affair?

Share only what you want to.....

The whole secret thing? Adultery is very much a silent sin and burden. Our closest out-of-town friends know....but only we confided in only 2 people in our town. Our Pastor, whom I reached out too upon my first DD and have continued to seek counsel from (as well as friendship) and a good friend of my wifes who "heard a RIDICULOUS rumor!"...causing my wife to confide in her.

This is the main reason I hold any and all facts or figures surrounding adultery as suspect.....how can you state something that is very elusive with any confidence at all?

My default advice is....when in doubt, tell the truth. The truth is your parents interactions have and continue to affect you. So far, 17 months into this journey, the truth has always helped......it is sometimes very painful...but the truth has never made things worse.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:07 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Blobette posted 1/21/2014 13:07 PM

Wow. I would find this very hard to live with! Personally, I'd want to slip a note to your mom's AP's BS!

I guess my question would be -- what's in it for you to maintain such close relations with your dad if it's so hard for you to be around him? And I'd be so ANGRY at my mom for forcing you to carry this secret.

What a mess. No answers for you, just sympathy.

blakesteele posted 1/21/2014 13:10 PM

Any chance your relationship with your Dad would improve with the truth?

I only ask because I believe his life would have improved had he had some truths to work with when he experienced the pain we all know too well.

Peace.

SisterMilkshake posted 1/21/2014 13:12 PM

Why are you being the secret keeper?

StillLivin posted 1/21/2014 13:14 PM

Why are you keeping this secret?
It isn't your shame or your secret. Just seems like you have dealt with enough already, and not understanding why you would continue to have something like this hurting you.
Personally, the AP and his dirty, horndog son should let their actions see the light of day. Maybe it will encourage them to become better men. And if not, maybe their BS can see them for who they really are and move on to better men.

purplejacket4 posted 1/21/2014 13:20 PM

My dad had confronted my mom and she admitted the affair but wouldn't give up the AP. So my dad (the preacher) goes to the elders and deacons for advice not knowing the guilty party was sitting RIGHT there. The deacon (her AP) convinced my dad to not hire a detective and to just let it go. I know this because my dad told me the story about his caring deacon friend not wanting my mother to be humiliated. Grrrrrr. That man will rot in hell I hope.

I'm still the secret keeper because I'm afraid what would happen if I gave up the name. This affects my dad, my old decrepit grandparents, etc., etc. this is actually one of the reasons I stayed 300 miles away from home and never visit there anymore. I make my dad meet me at my sister's half way in between.

Eta: when the mother fucker dies all bets are off.

[This message edited by purplejacket4 at 1:23 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Charity411 posted 1/21/2014 13:33 PM

I agree. Why are you being the secret keeper. Your post bugs me on so many levels. You don't bug me. The situation does. Part of it is personal. I was married twice. My second husband left me for his best friends wife. But my first marriage ended because it became clear that my husband was gay.

His whole family was deeply involved in our church. They were deacons and deaconesses. All of them sang in the choir. We went to church at least four times a week. I was the camp cook at bible camp.

When I started to realize I was in a completely loveless marriage we tried counseling. The Christian counselor advised me to file for divorce. Divorce in my church was off limits so when I filed I became the sinner. I was literally shunned. And I became the keeper of his secret because being gay was off limits too. For all the same reasons you describe I kept his cover.

I can honestly say with complete clarity I regret keeping the secret. In hindsight I took on all the collateral damage in an effort to save his whole family from it. It wasn't fair to me. Your mother has put you in the same position my first husband did when he married me under false pretenses. That fact that she told you who it was is a miserable thing to do to you. Because now, if the truth comes out and your dad finds out you knew who it was, he'll likely be angry with you.

I assure you that if you don't stop keeping the secret you will become more and more angry and resentful as time goes on. For years I was painted as a sinful, wanton woman who abandoned the perfectly wonderful Christian man whose family were pillars of the church. The hypocrisy of these church situations is what ultimately becomes unbearable.

TheRealDeal posted 1/21/2014 13:47 PM

(((purplejacket4)))

I've been exactly in your shoes though it was many years ago during my teens. I found out about my dads affair before my mom did. After she found out I was put squarely in the middle of it all. worst.time.of.my.life

it's horrible.
it's not right
they truly aren't your secrets to keep
it equates to emotional abandonment- expecting YOU to keep her secret all these years.

I don't have a close relationship with my dad; never understood exactly "why" until during my IC (after D-day) my counselor pointed out how my emotional wellbeing was abandoned so many years ago. how my parents both wanted me to keep their secrets and take on the role of grown-up...to my parents.

I've worked thru most of those issues and I better understand how that time in my life (30 years ago) impact my current life and coping mechanisms. my journey continues so I improve my coping skills and I've grown quite a bit in the past 7 months. perhaps at some point my dad and I can have some semblance of a father/daughter relationship. not sure that will ever happen but I'm open to it...

it seems the secrets you keep for your mother are hurting you and your father's relationship. they are not yours to keep and it seems only you are paying the price. that's a big piece of baggage to carry for someone else.

what blakesteele said is true

the truth has always helped......it is sometimes very painful...but the truth has never made things worse

Tren0R201 posted 1/21/2014 13:55 PM

How you're letting your dad invest his hard earned money while you know what you know is beyond me. In fact it's unconscionable.

purplejacket4 posted 1/21/2014 14:16 PM

Oh I don't. When I found out he gave MM money I throw a stinking fit because the guy is just shady anyway. Then I told my mom to tell her AP if he took anymore money from my dad I'd blow the whole sorid thing out of the water.

sisoon posted 1/21/2014 14:30 PM

(((pj4)))

Very difficult sitch to be in. If you wait a while (5 minutes? 5 months?), I suspect the solution will become clearer.

My fear is this: MM drags your father into something really bad, which would be prevented if your father knew what a $%^& this guy is.

And I wonder what other damage this guy is doing to his church....

confused615 posted 1/21/2014 14:39 PM

Please give your father the gift of the truth. Please do it before the mother fucker(OM) dies. If you wait until he dies, you are denying your father the right to confront his friend.

What a shitty position your mother put you in. Im so sorry. My mom did almost the same thing to me when I was only 8 years old. I had forgotten all about it until I read your post. My dad moved out because mom needed "space" for awhile. Within days, her Om was sleeping in their bed. Dad came over one morning and I answered the door. He looked down at me and asked me "Is she in there with him?" And I couldn't speak. Mom told me not to. So I didn't. I will never forget the way he looked at me..when he realized I knew,but wasn't going to tell him. It was a terrible position to put a child in. A child of ANY age, Dr PJ. Im so sorry your mother did this.

((((Dr PJ))))

Rebreather posted 1/21/2014 14:39 PM

This is a damaging secret and I think your father deserves to know the truth. He is probably going to be livid with you, but this secret is eating you up inside and slowly destroying your relationship anyway.

Stop being the secret keeper and become the truth teller.

Jeaniegirl posted 1/21/2014 14:40 PM

Personally I would tell that piece of crap OM that he has 5 days to tell his wife and his son (who probably already knows) and if he didn't, I'd be showing up at church and standing up to testify and reveal it all. Good grief! What a position your MOM has put you in!!! Unforgivable.

I feel sorry for you and for your Dad. No one deserves this level of disrespect.

Tell! You will have support here to get through it all.

[This message edited by Jeaniegirl at 2:41 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

momentintime posted 1/21/2014 15:04 PM

IMHO, I can't imagine any reason that is acceptable is keeping this secret. Your Dad is the only one kept in the dark, and for YEARS. He is held to ridicule by your mother and her AP, and possible AP's son. Why would you have let so many years go by protecting your mother and her AP at the expense of your father?

I don't understand this at all. Not trying to call you out, just can't see how this happened and for so long. What the pressure for you must have been like, why would you accept the responsibility of keeping this secret.

[This message edited by momentintime at 3:07 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Nature_Girl posted 1/21/2014 15:52 PM

The truth shall set you free. All of you.

cancuncrushed posted 1/21/2014 16:21 PM

I would confront, inform, mom and AP they have x amount of days to come clean. Its their secret, they should tell your dad.. Its not your secret or your responsibility. IF they choose not to, then you can tell your dad, and explain how you have tried to get them to come forward and they would not.
You need to protect your father and his money. He is blind to all. His being made a fool of, is bad enough, lasting years and taking his cash too is unbelievable.... Helping to keep this secret is siding with mom. Who in this position, wouldnt want to know?
It will rock his entire world. His church. This is what they did. And do everyday.

marionwendy posted 1/21/2014 16:46 PM

Wow I would tell my Dad the truth. This would eat me alive.

KatyaCA posted 1/21/2014 16:53 PM

Secrets thrive. Beyond the affair they've been playing him for a fool for years.

Do yourself a favor and stand up for truth and honesty. Shine the light of truth on their sin and tell your father the truth. He deserves to know.